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Old 12-03-2008, 08:07 PM   #1
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Unhappy I need info

My mom is in a STRONG middle stage of ad, my step dad wants my sister and my help, but only when she is having a bad day? He says he can't handle her anymore but I can't get him to call or dicuss any insurance or moneys with ayone to get her into a good home HELP!!!! my sister and I have our first support group meeting next week.....I don't know if I am more mad or frustrated

Last edited by tamjeans; 12-03-2008 at 08:09 PM. Reason: miss spelling and wordage

 
Old 12-03-2008, 10:43 PM   #2
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Re: I need info

Probably some of both tam. It is difficult to watch Mom's decline and Dad's struggle to deal with the situation. Yet Dad doesn't want to lose his wife. So he enlist your help to keep her with him when she truly needs to be placed in a facility. Yep, been there and truly understand your delima and all the emotions that bubble to the surface.

I do hope the support group helps. I hope they have some good ideas to help you deal with your father and your mother.

My Mom was much as your Dad. My Dad has vascular dementia. She refused placement, refused in home help, if we would just help then it would all be ok. She was diagnosed with depression and it only got worse. This went on until she was diagnosed with ALZ. Then they had two choices. In home help or a facility. We tried the in home help but that's didn't work out because Mom still didn't need help.... she could do it all by herself. Now they are in AL.... and she still wants to go home because she can do it all herself. They are NOT going home. They are right where they need to be.

You need to continue to talk to your Dad. Don't take his refusal to answer as a reason not to talk to him. Play up all the positives. The benefits she would get from socialization, planned activities, meals prepared for her needs, on premisis medical care.... and you can think of many more. Perhaps you can even take him to a facility for him to see what it is like for himself. They are not the depressing holding areas of the past but bright cheerful homes with caring staff. You can tell him that it is planning for the future. You will have to be dilligent but it can work.

If necessary you can refuse to enable him to keep her at home by refusing his request for help. That's a tough stance to take but might get him to reconsider. Perhaps you can take him to a support meeting with you or your sister and the other one stay with your Mom. It sounds like he needs the wisdom of those that have been where he is.

Assure him it is not going to get better. It will only get worse. The dangers of her wandering off, starting a fire, taking medication that she shouldn't is ever presesnt and he needs to be aware of this. He also needs to know that the stress and sleeplessness of caring for your Mom is probably taking a tole on his health.

I nothing else works.... at some point there will be a crisis that will force his hand and he will not have a choice. It has happens all too often. A broken bone, an outbust, getting lost, just the day to day stress, him getting sick, or some other even will make the move unavoidable. The problem with that is that you really don't have the time to investigate facilities and do the paperwork that is needed.

I am truly sorry you need to be here but glad you found us. I am sure others will have suggestions as well. Most of us are or were where you are now. Most of us had to make the decision for our loved one. So welcome to our little group. Let us know how the support meeting goes and how it goes with convincing Dad to do what needs to be done. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers......

Love, deb

 
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Old 12-04-2008, 05:25 AM   #3
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Re: I need info

I know I need to keep the talking going, I made him mad a couple years ago when I suggested that they talk to a Doctor and Lawyer he wouldn't even let us kids see her or they wouldn't answer the phone for 6 months or so. I would be crushed if that happened again exspecially now. When Mom sees me even though she has no clue who I am I can calm her down And that is a relief for me. she gets so afraid of him, they have only been married 8 years. so as you know she really has no clue that he is her husband. locks him out of the house etc... I will keep a watch on this sight for new ideas THANK YOU for being there!!!!

 
Old 12-04-2008, 08:16 AM   #4
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Re: I need info

Your Mom is in a dangerous position and needs to be in a good nursing home. Do what you can to facilitate that happening. The meeting you and your sister are going to ought to be a source of information about what rights you have etc.

Good luck .. you will be in my prayers. My Mom passed away from Alzheimers and old age last Christmas. It was a very hard few years for the whole family.

Love,

Martha

 
Old 12-08-2008, 04:38 PM   #5
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Smile Re: I need info

I had the opportunity to spend 9 hours yesterday with my mom. Heaven knows I realize now what my step dad goes through!!! YIKS!!!!! She had a good day asked me what time Jim was picking her up I told her 5 only about 90000000 times, most of the day had no clue who I was but we did have a good day!!! When he got back and walked into my house she asked him (JIM) where jim was and when he was coming back to get her. These days make it much easier to deal with what is to come in the future.

Praises for a good day
Tammy

 
Old 12-08-2008, 10:09 PM   #6
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Re: I need info

Glad you had a good day Tammy. Yes it is difficult to answer the same question over and over, to know your Mom doesn't recognize the ones she loves, and to see what Dad goes though..... but you are handling it all well. You have to find the diamonds in the mud. Grab any amount of pleasure you can find, and enjoy the time you have with Mom even if it is a constant conversation about the young man Jim that she is looking for.

And you are right.... when you see the reality of what is happening it does make it easier to take the next step. I wish for you another good day tomorrow

Love, deb

 
Old 12-09-2008, 03:27 PM   #7
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Re: I need info

it was and still is so hard to have put my mom in a nursing home. i knew it had to be done because my father would have lost his mind even with 24 hour care. i still question if we did the right thing. and guess what i still cant come up with an answer. good luck at least my dad doesnt have to worry 24 hours a day. keep that in mind.

 
Old 12-09-2008, 09:06 PM   #8
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Re: I need info

I think we all question our decision from time to time Debbie. I do myself. That's my heart thinking. I do wish Mom and Dad could have stayed at home. I wish we could all go home for Christmas. That I truly miss. I wonder if there was a way..... any way. And then my brain goes to work and I know that there was no way. They are where they need to be. They are safe, well cared for, and much better off then when they were isolated at home. Then my heart wishes.....

You know the right answer but right now your heart is talking louder than your brain. Eventually the brain will get a little louder but the heart will never stop wishing.....

Love deb

 
Old 01-03-2009, 04:58 PM   #9
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Re: I need info

I know it has been awhile! I haven't had much to write about. I am so confused (no pun inteneded) My step dad is driving me more crazy then my mom who has alzheimers.... I try to call everyday somedays he answers then other days he doesn't some times it is several days before I get ahold of anyone. He has completely stoped asking for help and will not tell me ANYTHING on how she is doing???? I just want to scream!!!!!!

Last edited by tamjeans; 01-03-2009 at 04:59 PM. Reason: for to end sentence

 
Old 01-03-2009, 07:57 PM   #10
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Re: I need info

Are you able to go by the house and find out what is actually happening Tams? Do you think your Stepfather is taking adequate care of your Mom? Do you have a good idea what is going on there? Is she getting worse? Is he hidding her condition to avoid the inevitable? Tonight I have more questions than answer for you but glad you returned.

Love, deb

 
Old 01-04-2009, 03:46 AM   #11
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Re: I need info

I wonder if his mind is in right order ... if not you have a classic example of ''the blind leading the blind" and both of them falling into the ditch. I see that he is a recent husband, not your father. That makes it harder. He does not have a life long committment to your mother.

I think you have to insist that some medical evaluation take place, and then go to a lawyer on your own and try to get the necessary paperwork done to insure that your Mom gets care and you have a part in it, not just financially.

I think visiting an Elder lawyer and telling your whole story would be useful to all of you.

If you feel that her new husband is not caring for her properly, that can be resolved legally. There is such a thing as adult protective services.

Good luck!

Love,

Martha

Last edited by Martha H; 01-04-2009 at 03:47 AM.

 
Old 01-04-2009, 05:22 AM   #12
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Re: I need info

Quote:
Originally Posted by DGabriel10 View Post
Are you able to go by the house and find out what is actually happening Tams? Do you think your Stepfather is taking adequate care of your Mom? Do you have a good idea what is going on there? Is she getting worse? Is he hidding her condition to avoid the inevitable? Tonight I have more questions than answer for you but glad you returned.

Love, deb
I do drive by the house and try to check on her, they are normally gone ( I am going again this morning)you see they own three houses one of them is 2 1/2 hours away, the only info I have on the other is it is in a small town??? He also has a durable power of attorney on her. I was laid off from my job so I am unemployed and finances are tight. It was going ok until I started trying to get her on a waiting list for one of the good nursing homes HE SHUT UP NO MORE INFO PERIOD!!! before she can be accepted she had to be interview by the county aging assos. and he will not do that. I honestly do not believe that he is harming her I do however think that what you said was right maybe he is hiding the fact she is getting worse. ALL I AM TRYING TO DO IS HELP!

 
Old 01-04-2009, 05:31 AM   #13
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Re: I need info

Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha H View Post
I wonder if his mind is in right order ... if not you have a classic example of ''the blind leading the blind" and both of them falling into the ditch. I see that he is a recent husband, not your father. That makes it harder. He does not have a life long committment to your mother.

I think you have to insist that some medical evaluation take place, and then go to a lawyer on your own and try to get the necessary paperwork done to insure that your Mom gets care and you have a part in it, not just financially.

I think visiting an Elder lawyer and telling your whole story would be useful to all of you.

If you feel that her new husband is not caring for her properly, that can be resolved legally. There is such a thing as adult protective services.

Good luck!

Love,

Martha
The blind leading the blind I think hits it right on the head also like Dgabriel said he is hiding the fact that she is getting worse. They have only been married since 2000 and within 3-4 years is when I started noticing the signs and symtoms. She is a talker and can cover really well but if you listen you can tell she is clueless. The Lady at Alzhmeirs Org said that it has helped her cover for what she can not remember. ALSO he has a durable power of attorney on her so my hands are tyied

 
Old 01-04-2009, 11:03 AM   #14
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Re: I need info

You hands are not totally tied. Martha is right about Adult Protective Services. Each state has such. It might be under a different name but it is basically a protective service for the adult handicapped and elderly citizens that are stuck in an unhealthy situation. They can demand an evlauation of your Mom if there is adequate suspicion that there is an unhealthy situation. An elderly gentleman who refuses to let the children speak to their mother who is suffering from dementia to me falls under such suspicion. He is definitely denying you your right to see your Mom. I would consult with a elder attorney or other legal council to find out what you can legally do to find out your Mom's true condition and what is going on with her. There should be some probono legal advice availble. Check with your state bar association to find out what is available there.

I am truly sorry your step father has chosen to make this so difficult for you all but don't give up hope of finding a solution. My thoughts and prayers and with you and your Mom. Please keep typing and let us know what progress has been made.

Love, deb

 
Old 01-14-2009, 06:12 AM   #15
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Re: I need info

Well because of the weather last month I finally got to go to my first support group meeting! HURRAY! those people are a true blessing, even though they had some good ideas to help me I think I felt good just knowing that there are real people out there to actually talk to! (no offense intended to all your help!)nothing has really changed here but I am trying to stay positve and I keep showing up when lest expected that has been working so far the last couple weeks! we will see. My moto is ONWARD AND UPWARD!!!!!

 
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