hi everyone im new to this but need some support... my mum of 66 had\a stroke on 13th sept 08... she is now left with vasculr dementia. she has been passed from pillar to post and is on a mental health ward basically they not sure whats happening with her next. my dad is not coping to well. we do have support as i have 3 other sisters... but this has completly destroyed our lives... my mum was so fun loving and had a good social life...i just cant seem to cope lately and finding the stress coming between me and my boyfriend.... mum is at a stage where she is doing n0 2s in her pants... but she still talks and a brilliant memory... has anyone else experienced this and how did they cope.... i miss mum so so much
Hello and sorry that you had to come to this area but know that we are all here to help you.
We are sorry that you are suffering. You must realize that you are grieving even though your mother is still here in an earthly form. Your mother, as you know her, is no longer there.
She is in a place she needs to be. You have to accept that or it will eat you alive. You have to be supportive to your Dad since he's suffering the loss of his wife, soul mate, buddy, friend.
Just know that the loss of ability for toilet necessity and other issues are all part of the dementia. the stroke affected the part of the brain that controls this and other functions.
I wish I could wave a wand and have everything be better for you but we can't. We are hear to listen, give you a shoulder to cry on, and just let you know that you are now alone, there are other's going through it as well.
I'm so sorry your going through this terrible time. We have all been there. Still going through it as a matter of fact.
I was just talking about my Mom to an old friend this morning. I MISS my Mom. She is here with us but its not Mom. Her decline has been slow compared to some of my friends here. It still hurts the same. We have had a longer time to adjust. But in all honesty.....you never adjust you just accept. You really have no choice. We fight, Mom fights it all the way but its still a downhill slide. It truly is "The Long Goodbye". She is losing peices of herself everyday. In turn, we lose peices of our Mom.
You just do the best you can for her. Do your best and thats all anyone can ask of you. We tried to "fix" Mom at first. We did our best to keep her home and if we worked hard enough she would be fine. We were so wrong. She is now in a Assisted Living Facility. That is whats been best for Mom and her daughters.
I wish you and your family all the best. Come here often. This site is my lifeline to sanity. You'll get wonderful support and we have big shoulders. Even a few smiles.
thanks so much...so sorry about your mum. thats what we have tried to do.. try fixing her but its basically never going to work... if shes having a good day you think ye shes on the mend when basically deep down you know she never will although there is always that glimmer of hope that will never be.... we have meeting with all the family tomo and the docs to see were we go next... ?
thanks for your concern... it is hard and some days it does tear me apart... i think ive cried everyday since it happened.. its so nice to have someone respond to my thread that knows nothing about me and is giving me support... thank u so so much.
My dad passed away a year ago from an anuerism, but he suffered from vascular dementia. It sounds like your Mom's stroke did more damage than the dementia. It's the result of the stroke that has left her incontinent and in need of depends. I know that that is hard on you and your Dad.
Vacular dementia will affect her memory more than anything right now. You will notice that she will have an extremely short memory. She may not even remember that she ate lunch with you. This is common with vascular dementia. It is like she has lost her sort term memory all together. And it will get worse, but the progression may be fast or slow.
Your Mom may also start to suffer from sundowners-meaning that she has problems in the late afternoons and evening where she gets irratable and anxious. This is common with dementia patients also. All of these things can be taken care of with meds. They are upsetting to see, but common with dementia.
Your Mom is probably in the best place for her to be right now. And I don't think that you should plan on her moving home. She will require full time care that is best handled by nurses and trained staff. They are used to her behavior and know what to expect and can take good care of her...
I know that this is hard on your. Try to make sure that there is someone for you and your dad to talk to about it. And please come back and post often. WE have all be through what you are going through and are here to help..
I'm with Ibake, it does sound like the incontinence is a result of the stroke. My Dad has vascular dementia.... and has for over 8 years. He is still continent and long as he does not have stomach upset. He has absolutely no short term memory. He will eat lunch and ask when lunch is on the way back to the room. He also suffere from Sundowner. He has hallucinations, talks to his siblings and parents that have long since died. His has been a slow progression and each step down has been directly related to a vascular event.
I truly understand how you feel. Dad's was so gradual and Mom was his caregiver for the first 6 years so it was a gradual acceptance. But my Mom is now diagnosed with ALZ and hers has not been a slow gradual decline. I have basically lost my Mom in two years. She still talks to me on the phone but is not the person I depended on. Now she is dependent on us.
Like you, I truly thought if I worked long enough and hard enough, and did all the right things, I could make it ok. I finally realized, with the help of the wonderful people here, that I could not fix it. Rather than fighing what is, I deal with the bad times and enjoy the good moments where ever I can find them. Instead of resenting what this disease has taken away I try to find a reason to laugh and enjoy my parents. I grab what little I can for as long as I can. Yep, there are times I slip into those sad moments and wish they didn't have to deal with this diease but I also realize that there is so little time left with them. I want to drink it all in while I can.
So welcome to the board. We are all in this with you and we have your back. I hope you type often. So drag up a chair, grab a tall drink, and stay for a while.
thankyou so so much for all the concerned replies...it really helps... so sorry for all of your losses that you have experienced.. sometimes life is so god damn bloody cruel.. lets just hope that one day they find a drug that can help...
groovichik...hope you know you have lots of support and understanding shoulders to lean on here.....and I sure agree about how important it is to find a cure.......Pam
vascular dementia 
