Suddenly my little brother wants to have someone that he has met in the town where my mom is in the nursing home, and he wants these people to start picking mom up and taking her to church on Sunday's. I personally don't think it's a good idea and was wondering how everyone else thought on the matter.
Not sure about your loved ones but I know that mom is in a much better mood when she has the same routine all the time. I'm also worried that these folks might not be aware of problems they could face. I plan to call them tomorrow and also talk to the case worker at the NH but I thought I'd ask those who know.
Last edited by TexasCookie; 01-12-2009 at 06:46 PM.
Who has POA? IF you have it you can tell the staff that you don't appove and mom then can't go out. simple. I don't think it's a good idea. It's people who don't know her, who she doesn't know who are taking her out of the building to a place that you don't know...I see this as fraught with bad things...
If your brother is that concerned with your Mom's religion, have the minister come into the home and visit her there.
I have POA so I don't have to let them do it I was just wanting to get some feedback. They have church services at the nursing home and I know that she attends them.
Its HIM trying to act like he's all religious. He wants to THINK that he's a Christian but a Christian wouldn't have gone to a lawyer and tried to get me in trouble for "stealing" from our mom. I didn't but his feelings were hurt that he was made POA and MPOA and then he got po'd because I wouldn't sign it all over to him. At the time he didn't even live in Texas and when the lawyer asked my mom, this was before she got TOO bad, if she wanted anyone else on it and she told him I was the only one she trusted.
I would do some serious checking these people out before I agreed to let my mother go anywhere with anybody that I didn't know. IBake is right... there are way too many potential problems. I would definitely tell the nursing home staff that Mom was not to leave with these people. If at some point you meet these people, learn their credentials, know their experience, be satisfied that it is ok, and know it would not upset your Mom... then you could change your mine.
Right now.... trust your gut feeling!!! And your gut feeling is telling you not to do it. There is a reason you feel that way so follow what you know.
Mom went on a few outings organized by the NH with nurses aides along. Outsde of that she never left the NH. Changing to a different dining room once because of renovations threw her completely off. She was uneasy, didn't eat, and felt threatened.
My Mom's NH had weekly services on Sundays, various local pastors donated their time. Mom went once or twice, but didn't feel comfortable there - "is this church? Where are my old friends? this is not my pastor."
I would not recommend what your brother has in mind.
If you can't see the writing on the wall, then you ain't looking.
There's something sneaky about all this. Your brother or 'these new friends' could put undo pressure on your mother and get her to sign something she shouldn't (if she's still capable of signing).
I have a friend whose mother owns a townhouse. Due to strange circumstances, there is also a daughter, sil, and 3 small children living there as well (free). There's another daughter who lives out of state.
She called her mother on the phone and said I have a letter I want you to write down while I dictate it and the mother did!. The daughter then said, now I want you to go have it notarized and mail it to me certified mail. The Mother almost did it but thank God she showed us (my BF and me first!).
The letter stated "Daughter you have missed a vital part of your life being with me. It is now your turn to come live here. I don't want (Sister) living with me anymore. They are sucking me dry . . ., I want you my darling daughter, you who had been cheated out of my company and love all these years, etc.
because of the Mother's cognitive state, she truly wasn't aware of what she wrote or what it meant if she did get it notarized and mailed it.
So silblings can and do screw each other. Your brother has something else up his sleeve than his own religious beliefs especially when there's services provided at each NH and AL facility if desired.
I would err on the side of caution -- TRUST NO ONE BUT YOURSELF
and I'd sure document this because I have a feeling there's more manipulation of your mother to come.
Sorry for being so blunt but sometimes those that are away can see things more clearly.
mary lou, i must agree with the previous posters- change - any kind of change is quite upsetting to the alz patient. let alone people that she doesn't know coming to pick her up and take her there. i see how muddled and anxious my mother gets just getting ready to go to a doctors appt. or to the store for groceries, and these are things she enjoys (or used to). now these outings leave her shaky and even more confused. and it seems to take the rest of the day for her to calm down. it's like being told that you are in a play and you haven't learned your lines. socializing for the alz patient is just too much work. tell your brother that even though he may mean well, he is not thinking in your mothers best interest. familiarity and security are the key, a new change to her routine may very well cause her a setback that she won't recover from.
Thank you every one for your posts. I KNOW that seh doesn't need to leave but I just wanted to know that I was thinking of her and not just being a b toward my brother for what he did before.
Neither brother can seem to understand that this isn't the same woman we're dealing with. The older brother makes comments about her 'faking' things. I would think the faking woudl have stopped when I put her in the NH, LOL.
Younger brother couldn't understand why she would get so upset when he took her back to the NH after an outing then I found out he was letting a nurse walk her back to the unit the disappearing without even telling her bye. Sheesh. I told him NOT to do that anymore so we'll see what happens.
The doctor has already ordered NO taking her out but I managed to get my brother permission to take her out to eat but only be out for short periods. Now I guess he wants to see how far he can push.
TC...I'm glad you asked here before you agreed to this "new plan"!
Alzheimer's patients don't take well to "new plans"! They have enough challenges trying to keep up with the "old" ones.
I sure understand what you say about your brothers thinking your Mom is more in control of herself...but, as you are aware...she is not. I went thru much of the same with my 4 brothers right after my Mom was first diagnosed. No matter what I tried to do, I got objections. I was fortunate my sister trusted me and stepped to my aid in many things that happened.
Please, please do not allow her to try to do something so unfamiliar with unfamiliar people! Have your brothers researched anything about Alzheimer's? They need to be enlightened about what's in store for all of you.
You're smart to have discussed this with her doctor....keep hangin' in there...lots of support for you here!.......Pam
You are absolutely thinking of your Mom Texas. The only way your brother is considered is in that you have to protect your Mom from your brother in this one.
I had to shake my head when you said "faking it". Don't we wish they had enough cognitive ability to fake it!!! I almost have to laugh about my Sister 4. I was the one doing everything she is doing now... except I had a 4 hour drive to do it in stead of a 15 minute drive. I rarely complained but just did what was needed. I got repeated phone calls from Sister 4 about what I was doing wrong. One in particular where she accused me of trying to take away Mom's driving priviledges when Mom knew she was perfectly capable of driving. She had talked to Mom. :::slaps forehead::: Now the shoe is on the other foot but she has an entire assisted living staff to help. According to her she can do nothing but sit by the phone and wait for "the call". She swears her entire life revolved around Mom and Dad. And she still thinks I can do no right!!! I actually laughed when I typed that
You just have to have confidence in yourself and your decisions no matter what anybody else throws at you.... especially those that are in denial. It take a backbone, a lot of self confidence, and more than a few minutes of talking to yourself but it can be done. If that doesn't work...... call on IBake
Just tell them Mom doesn't leave the facility and leave it at that. Your Mom will be better for it. I will say again..... you are absolutely doing what is right for you Mom. That is your charge and you are doing your job well
Thanks Deb. I just hate to be the one who alwyas gets talked about behind my back cause it always gets back to me. The bad thing is that although I've been the one doing all the work with my mom the idiot little brother gets the house when she passes and I KNOW he'll kick me out before the ink dries. Older brother says all I have to do is contest it but I'm sitting here with NO income and struggling to get the utilities paid every month so how am I supposed to hire a lawyer?
I'm waiting to hear from SSI since I didn't have enough work credits for disability and I'm living off my kids and foodstamps. Have any of my siblings stepped up to help? Especially since they KNOW the last four years of my life were spent as a prisoner taking care of OUR mom? Oh hell no! FOr some reason I OWNED it to her since I lived her in the house with her.
Sorry to rant, I'm not feeling well and I need to go and see mom today and that always make me feel like crap. Thanks again for everyones input.
Sounds fishy to me. Brother wouldn't be going with her, just having some person he met there pick her up and be in charge of her? NO WAY! With an elderly person who was "all there", maybe, but an elderly person with dementia? Absolutely not! They don't know what they're getting into, they won't know when she's acting "normal" and when she's confused, as they have no history with her, and who would be responsible if she wandered away? If brother wanted to take her himself, maybe, but what is he thinking? That's just crazy for him to put her in the hands of strangers like that.
I know BlueAtlas. He is trying to act like this Christian now and he has no idea what being a Christian even means. I know the word has different meaning to everyone but my definition is " Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you". I spent a lot of time with my paternal grandmother and that was what she put in my head.
I plan to talk to the social worker at the NH today and see if she even knows these people. I googled them and they do a lot with the church BUT the BTK killer was active in HIS church AND he was a boy scout leader.
I'm sure there are very well meaning and legitimate people who do this as a ministry, but it's simply not appropriate for an Alzheimer's patient. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it would be cruel to do that for an Alzheimer's patient! I think your brother is feeling guilty for not doing more over the years (while you were doing everything!) and is trying somehow to make it seem like he's contributing. Too little too late!
Hang in there! You're looking after her best interests. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise!
What they can't say to your face is not worth listening too. It is a cowardly way. I just collect such gossip for it's amusement factor because those that spew it have serious problems with self confidence, courage, and common sense.
I do hope you find some answers to your problems. You have given so much for the rest of the family to ignore you now. I do hope it turns around your for you..
There's some zealots whose Christian churchs are actually "cults". They don't care the 'age' of their participants, but they do drain them of all their worldly possessions and bank accounts.
While you may have POA and MPOA, you are opening yourself up to possibly a daily or hourly barrage of phone calls on how Mom needs this or that and she then 'gifts' it to the church in preparation of her going to heaven.
Elderly people do not possess free will. My Mother got involved with the psychic friends network when it was popular and she was just starting with the Dementia path seriously and daily -- we received phone bills of $300, $700, and almost $1,000. We finally realized what was happening and put a block on the 900 calls plus it was around the time other serious things were happening so we got POA and MPOA
Don't let your Mother leave the facility. IF they were a true religious group, they wouldn't hesitate to come to her where they can be closely monitored.
You are right Diane. There are too many charlatans that dress themselves up as caring individuals when in fact they are only out to benefit from others. Even with a POA, if your loved one has not been declared incompetent, their signature is as good as yours. There are those that know this and prey on the elderly. The elderly, especially in the earlier stages of this disease don't have the cognitive ability to see past the slick speeches. It is exploitation at it's worse but it is common place. So you can never be too careful....
Texas, something I have learned lately.... they can't hollar and curse at you when the phones are not connected. "I will talk to you when you can be reasonable"..... CLICK! Know you have done right and nothing he says can make it different so you don't need to listen to his abuse and that is what it is.
First, don't be too hard on brother at the on-set, He may have accidentally gotten sucked into the 'cult' mentality and don't know it as well.
Second, when it becomes apparently that he does know it and doesn't care and graciously gives freely to this 'new-found religion' OR, doesn't know it but still feels that there's no harm in Mom participating.
Then you have to just stay strong. Tell him you love him as a brother, appreciate the fact that he may have found religion that would help him become a better person, and that you understand that the cleansing of his soul when he 'found' Jesus again, is a wonderful thing but you are standing your ground on not disrupting mother's schedule more than necessary that doctors and nurses all say changes in routine isn't good.
I have been a born-again Christian for some years now. I know what it is to be full of the holy spirit and want everyone to see, know and feel what I had. But I also was given the ability to learn over time that not everyone was comfortable with me and my new-found wisdom (lol).
I am now comfortable in the skin. Could I be a better Christian and clean up my potty mouth and try not to sin as much as I seem to be, absolutely. Do I judge others and profess to be better than them and tell them they are destined for hell -- absolutely NOT. I try to be the best I can be, but God made me human and loves me for my strengths and most time, my failings.
Your brother may just have come into this and the feelings are strong. Realize that just with any fad, this too may fade. Stay strong for Mom and don't falter.
Let them come to her if they are legit and no donations, of money or articles should have to exchange hands to be in God's favor. He has everything and doesn't need anything!