Well Sister dropped over to tell me that she spoke to the rep from Bayaya who was asking how everything was going. Their nurse comes for about 2 hours (that's all Sister wants) so that Sister could do banking and shopping.
We found out that we could put nursing care nto insurance reimbursement if they provide more hours per week care. I told Sister I'm not making that call its all on her.
I quietly talked with Sister about the sedative saying that she should be consistent and give it all the time that if she gives it and then doesn't for a few days, it may take longer for Mom to settle into something. Sister said one is too weak and two is too strong. It seems that Mother is able to break-through the affects of the pill(s) and attempts to get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of the night quiet frequently. Sister is afraid of her falling or going towards the stairs. Our bathroom is directly opposite the top of the stairs.
Sister also said, I don't know if you noticed it or not but I think Mom has sleep apnea because I notice she stops breathing. I said well its probably true because she's aging and the brain and everything is slowing down but the only recourse would be to get the doctor to write for Oxygen and then we'd have the fight of her trying to sleep with the thing in her noise or the mask on her face. And if she stops breathing, an alarm would go off, etc. I'm not sure if this is what you should do. I can't help you answer this one either.
She gets frustrated with me not wanting to offer any opinions one way or the other. I tell her my feelings and then say whatever it is she does is fome with me.
I understand Sister's feelings. She's still not accepting that this is a one-way road. I think lovingly that she's still hoping that there would be a reversal of all of this and she'd have Mom around longer.
She said she talked with the rep and stated that she was starting to realize about the nursing home more now and have information regarding the house and the irrevocable trust. But then Sister replays that I said Mother would be better to be put in a hospital first and that it would then be easier to get into a home". I said "Sister, all I did was tell you what others have told me, I truly don't know one way or the other personally".
She sometimes makes me feel so bad. Its like she tells everyone, My sister does . . . ; my sister said . . . and I feel that eeryone would assume that I'm 'driving the bus'. I am chosing for my sanity and my mental well-being and the fact that I AM STILL GRIEVING FOLKS!, to try to be a good sister and support Sister with her decisions and her rights in my Mother's care. I know that if both of us had active roles, there's be disagreement abounding because everyone hears with selective ears based on life experiences, etc.
So I again said, Listen (Sister) I am not getting involved in the decisions. Longerstay at home or go to a NH, Doctor or no Doctor, Oxygen or no Oxygen, more hours of a nurse or not. It's whatever you want and whatever you want is fine.
I think she may read these posts and for that I'm fine. There's nothing I write here that I haven't said or would say to her. I just want my Sister to know that I love her dearly. I'm sorry for the role she has been dealt or chosen to absorb -- she's a better person than I in that respect.
But I support her because when more than one person 'supports' the one whose ill, it just causes more drama then necessary. All I feel my role should be is support to Sister while SHE suppors my mother. its the only way to keep things sane at least for me.
Set your boundaries Diane and stick to them. Every time she brings a decision up just tell her that you support any decision that she makes. That is it her that is there 24/7. When she feels the need to place Mom, take her to the doctor, get more inhome care, or investigate her breathing then you support whatever she decides to do. Keep repeating it. If she gets angry, it is because she doesn't want to make the decision. She has put herself in a position where she is the one that needs to make the dcisions and she needs to shoulder that responsibility. It also makes it her choice to keep Mom at home or place her. That way you are not driving the bus.
You have been though enough. This was sister's choice and she needs to see it through. You have made your choices as well and you need to see them through. Don't argue with her. Just repeat that you will support whatever decision she makes.
I do understand your delima. When I made the statement to Sister 4, that if she and sister 3 decided to place Dad in another room that I would support that decision. I added that since they were the ones that were there I felt it was their decision to make and I would absolutely back whatever she decided. It is up to them to decide when they need to do something different. I don't have any way of knowing when they have had enough so the decision is theirs. She let me know she didn't believe me. Oh well..... It's still her decision and I am not going to make it. I will just support whatever she does when she does it.
In order to diagnose sleep apnea, there has to be a sleep study done. Your Mom would never cooperate for a sleep study. There is a pressurized mask that is worn at night. I truly don't believe your Mom would deal with that well. It could be another battle for your Sister to fight with your Mom. So why would you even do that. So I agree with your hesitation, but leave the final decision up to your sister.
As for the additional help and insurance paying... I would jump on it. But sister has to make that decision as well. As she does when Mom goes to a facility.
You don't want to be the one blamed by Sister when Mom won't use the mask, she doesn't like the nurse, or she is finally placed in a home.
So repeat after me....... Sis, this is your decision to make since you are there 24/7. I will support any decision you make but I can not make the decision for you!
So no more worries. You are doing what you should. Recover from your procedure, support your sister as you can, deal with your own emotional grief, and let your sister deal with the decisions related to the situation she has created
Dear Caring, Of course I agreee with deb. You have told sister whatever she decides you support her decision. Thats being supportive. Very supportive. I would give anything if my sister #1 would say that to me. Your Sister doesn't see it that way. As deb said just keep repeating that statement.
As far as a sleep study......that would be impossible. Believe me its just weird the things they put on your head and face. She would never ever be able to understand what is going on.
Again like deb, I would jump on more help at home if she doesn't want to place her yet. That one should be easy. I still can't understand why she is resisting more help. But thats her decision to make.
How are you doing after your surgery? This problem next door is stressful for you even if you don't have to make any decisions. Take it easy. Stress is not good for you when your body is trying to heal its self.
Thanks for asking. I'm doing okay. Recuperated at girlfriend's house and while I joke about girls-bonding night drinking, we didn't (lol)
Seem to be doing okay, had a slight pain yesterday on the left side of abdomen but it went away after a few hours, My doctor and I think it was residual gas OR my friend in the office thinks I may have been ovulating. I won't dare tell BF, he freaked out last month when the doctor suggested I could be pregnant! -- Both of us were like, Oh great now how do we tell the kids (lol) You know just the thought that your parents may be 'doing it!'. lmao
Much of my hand's off approach is really self-preservation. I've had much of my life being the 'bad seed' and having a job that sometimes puts me in the position of being the bearer of bad news, I really don't and can't deal with the drama that would occur if I took a more active role in Mom's caregiving.
So saying to Sister, I agree with whatever your decision is and support you, may seem like a cop-out to some.
Here is my insigt on it from how it is with what is going on in my family regarding you. Maybe it pertains to you but maybe it doesnt. But here is my 2cents. Everyone says its too much for me taking in my fil. They feel he should be in a nh and al I too "rant" to my sil and parents when fil does something. Maybe I shouldnt tell them anything that is going on with him. I do for these reasons. I tell sil's because I never want them to say I never told them whats going on with him. I tell my parents just to vent and need to vent. But they get all upset and say its to much for me because of that. We keep him here because he is comfortable here and never wants to be in a nh or al. If something medically or if it is too hard we would do the right thing of course. Or it seems to me for at least my situation it is a two way thing. Damned if you do damned if you dont. If I hide things from them they would say Oh you never told me that. Or its too hard on you. Now that I have this message board I can relate to alot of things and will help me. Maybe your sister should read these posts on the thread. Maybe it will help her also. If my sil would read what you have written and understand. Does this make sense? Im reading what I am writing and Im thinking huh? lol Im trying to write down why your sister might he keeping your mom home I guess. Trying to do the right thing like I am I guess. But you are so supportive to her and I guess my sils are also. Its hard on both sides. My sils are supportive and when I ask for what they think its not like I want them to make the decision for me I guess I just want to make sure I am making the right one. Maybe its validating what I am doing?
Im trying to be supportive of you but Im not sure if Im saying the right things. The things you write about your situation sounds like you are very very supportive of your sister but maybe dont agree with what she is doing. Maybe really she doesnt even know what she is doing is correct but feels she is doing the right thing. There is no right or wrong. You both love your mother. That is what you both have in common. You know more about the disease then she is maybe she is in denial like I am but now I am more enlightened and REALZALIZE what is going on. I think your sister has to also. Maybe then she will "get it" like I do now. Now that I know more right now from you guys I wish we would have put him in a al right from the beginning. It would of been easier for him and for us. Now I have to get hubby on the bandwagon. He is almost like your sis. He doesnt really have a clue. Go with the flow is hubby. Baby his dad. It will be very difficult in all aspects now to put him in al or nh for him and us. I think it will be difficult for your sis due to her living with your mom emotionally.
Ok Im rambling and sorry. Trying to be supportive. Take care of yourself.
Your sister doesn't want the nurse any longer than two hours because I am sure there is rule in the "martyr of the year" contest that states that you can't have help more than two hours a week or whatever. She can't be martyr queen if she has alot of help. She likes the "woe is me" that she can pull by not having enough help with mother. She enjoys the burden of being overburdened.
IT's like we had a story book with grumpy bear from the carebears. He was hanging under his cloud...all of the other care bears brought him their "things".. Sunshine brought sun, Friendship brought friends...you get the picture. Well grumpy bear looked at them and said: "Go away. Don't you know that I'm happy being unhappy under my cloud?" Well, some people are like that. They are actually happiest when they are unhappy. I think they are wired wrong. And I think sister is like this.
You are right to push the decisions back on her. It is her decision to make regarding mom, not yours. Because you would be blamed for all of the things gone wrong...and you know it would go wrong. You would never get the praise when it went right..just the guilt. She is looking for the scape goat. And none of us like to make tough decisons, but she chose to take care of mother-and she has made it abundantly clear that you don't know much about how it should be done, so let her make the decisions and you just support her....
You worry about getting yourself well and not preggers...wouldn't that be not welcome! Rest up and keep far back!
Happy, I had to smile at your post because it sounds like me. LOL Sometimes I feel as though I'm rambling on and on. I've read through some of my posts and just deleted them because they don't make any sense to me much less make sense to my friends here.
ibake and deb, Martha have a way with words. Heck everyone here seems to be able to put their feelings into words better than me. One thing about this site, I feel like I'm among friends. If I mess up and ramble, no problem.
And your right......There is no right or wrong. Everyone has to go with what is best for them and their LO's.
I'm headed to Moms. She isn't well again. I'm sitting here typing again instead of going out to the car. One of the things I do before I go is come here. It seems to calm me before I make the trip. And of course I'm delaying going because I know its not going to be good when I get there. I miss her. Its been 5 days because my back has been so bad.
Ok enough of putting off the visit. Wish me luck. I'm going to need prayers today.
It is what it is. Do the best that you can and let the rest go. Know that you are facing the worse that you will see for now. Now take a deep breath and know that we are surrounding you with towels and hugs and love...you do what you can when you can...
feeling all warm and fluffy? That's us, each of us is holding a part of you in our heart.
Hope you arrived safely and will enjoy the time with your mom.
Smile and nod, nod and smile and let everyone wonder what the hell you are smiling at! lmao. Sometimes I sleigh myself!!!
Hey got a joke for everyone:
Adam was in the garden with Eve and they were having a tremendous row. Eve was accusing Adam of being unfaithful, he said
"Eve, give it a break! You're the only woman in the garden!"
that night while they slept, Adam awoke to a poking feeling. Waking he found Eve leaning over him poking him over and over.
He shot up and said "Eve, what the heck are you doing?"
Eve replied "I'm counting your ribs to make sure you don't have any other woman in your life!
When my mom was going to be discharged from the hospital a month ago after being in rehab/hospital since October. It was the hospital case managers that recommended she go back to the Rehab. Dad had decided he wanted her home. She had been gone for 2months had spent a week in ICU close to death. He Felt she "deserved" to come home. I disagreed with his decison. I reminded him how difficult it was going to be for her and him and myself to care for her in the home. She was still weak having difficulty walking and had c-diff. The night before she was due home I caught him sitting in the kitchen in deep thought and I could tell he was questioning if he had made the right decision. I did tell him I did not agree with the decsion to bring her home but I would support him on it. She has been home a month now and I have heard Dad I don't know how many times out of frustration and tiredness say I made the wrong decision. I should of done what they told me. Somedays he regrets his decision and somedays I am angry that he made this decison. I try to understand WHY he made this decision. It is very hard to stand by and try to be supportive to someone when you feel what they have chosen to do may not have been the best thing. I do love my Dad and he trys so hard to deal with mom on a daily basis that I have no other choice but to be supportive.
Happy, Martha and Ibake both told me long ago when I was trying to make the decision on whether or not to put Mom and Dad in AL that if I was considering the idea then it was probably past time and I would place them when I was ready. That is basically what I said to my sister about moving Dad to a higher level of care... She will do it when she is ready because she is the one that is called first.
You have to make your own decision if you want to keep them at home or place them in a facility. But you have to do it with a clear head. It is not because they wish to stay at home but is because you are able to care for them effectively at home. It is not out of guilt but love that we should do what we do. It is not done in denial either. So if you are able to keep him at home do so. If it gets too much then place him.
Chris, I am sorry to hear that you nor your Mom are doing well at this time. Remember you have to take care of yourself first to effectively care for your Mom. As for your post, I find them enlightening and uplifting. Frequently I think I ramble too much. There are times I wait for all of you to tell me to hush for a while So don't delete those post. They probably contain nuggets of wisdom that I need!!!
Pauline, I do remember your reservations about bringing your Mom back to live with your Dad. But yet you had to support what he decided to do. Just remember that nothing is permenant on Planet Alzheimer. The decision can be changed if it gets to be too much for your Dad. Remind him of this the next time he complains. Then repeat your support for him. Sometimes we are slow to admit our mistakes or get stuck in those mistakes and not know how to get out of them gracefully. Hindsight is a wonderful thing if you are not eating the crow So next time he is overwhelmed give him some options to sit at that table and consider once again.
I'm down the shore with boyfriend because we were going to take a course on chart reading and compass reading, etc. He intends to get a boat somewhere down the road.
Anyway . . .
My daughter calls me a little while ago and said "Mommy, did you hear what happened with Grandma?" I said, "No, what happened" and my heart starting beating real fast and I was feeling sick to my stomach.
She said "Aunt Sister" came over at 5 this morning and said Grandma fell out of bed and cut her head bad and that she was taken to a hospital for stitches. Then they told sister that she was severely de-hydrated and that they were transferring her to another hospital (where mother's doctors are)
and they did.
I called Sister to ask why she didn't call me. Her reply was I knew you were down at the shore with Joe. I said, 'yes, but you didn't even call my cell and I have it on all the time". She said "I would've if it was more serious or Mommy wasn't going to make it but I knew I had to deal with this myself".
I said, what does that matter, when you broke your shoulder I was also down the shore(at cousin) and rushed home as fast as I could to be with you.
She said the doctor was there (while this conversation was going on) and when I asked if the doctor said anything about putting Mom in a NH she said ""not really" He just said, how's it going and I told him that I think I'm at the point where she can't be home".
She sounded so hurt, so disappointed in herself BUT everyone, I knew you were all with me while I spoke and I told her that first Mom's dehydration isn't her fault that its just her inability to take in what she needs. Second she has nothing to feel guilty about. She was a good daughter and is a good daughter and took care of Mother to the best of her ability.
I said that I don't want to say a NH will be better care because the care she gave my mother wasn't horrible. I said but Sister you have to remember that they are there for 8 hours and get to go home and de-stress or un-wind and she never has down time. That she always has to be 'up at bat" and that's not healthy for her.
I said that I know I should come over right after work and spell her for a few hours each day but I get home so very tired" She said she understood and that if I did, I would end up sick from the Chronic Fatique and Thalaseemia Minor trait and that I could pass germs onto mother being around so many people at work".
I said yes that while I am supportive of her, I want her to know that I'm there for her no matter where I am or what time it is, etc. And that I'm not a heartless ***** who doesn't care. Her reply was silence and then "yeah, whatever". I said "well, it would've been nice if you'd reply "no, xxx, I know you're not a heartless *****". and ended the call with a few more words of encouragement.
So folks, I hope that this episode is the start of positive things for Sister and that we don't lose the roof over our head in the process. But I have my troubles in God's hands With him beside me, I hope to face whatever it is that will result.
God Bless Us.
P.s. I lost a ring from my Dad's that I wear. I have from an uncle who passed, one of my Dad's and one I purchased during my marriage to Mikey.
the one of my father disappeared off my finger. While I could've cried over it, I just said "Lord, its the only thing I have left. Please let me find it". I decided not to tear the car, yard, grocery bags, garbage, etc. all apart yet..
I went into the dining room and took away the pot holders I used last night during dinner and Joe calls "honey, look!" and right on the floor under the table was my Dad's ring -- just sitting right there. (Maybe it was inside the pot holder but I like to think it was God who put it there for me).
I agree...this may be the opportunity you've been waiting for. There were 3 different times just like this when my husband and his brothers could have gone ahead and arranged for their Mom to be put into proper care in a NH...but, unfortunately, they did not.
Believe me...it's just so much better taking this step "on the advice of a doctor" instead of trying to convince both your Mom and sis to do it. Your sister has done the best she knows how to be the caretaker...but it's time for the next step.
I'm surprised you were not called about what happened, but maybe that's what your sis thought when you told her you'd support any decisions she'd make. I know it's challenging, but it has already been a lifetime of trying to understand each other's thinking!! I have a sister too....and while we certainly agree with Mom's care, we think differently in other things!
Chris and Pauline...(and you too Caring!) ....please know you're in my thoughts....Pam
I too am sorry that your Mom fell but it can turn out to be what was needed to move Sister in another direction. Dehydration is a problem with so many elderly. It's not Sister's fault but might be the bolder that releases a land slide. I hope sister is finally getting a good night's sleep and not sitting in the hospital room. I hope you are also getting some rest.
I don't understand why your sister did not call. No need to call if mom doesn't eat her supper but a trip to the hospital, especially a transfer for a second reason, is reason enough to pick up the phone.
You did good with sister. She may not understand what you said today but hopefully at some point she will get it. I do understand that guilt and disappointment in yourself when you try your best and it doesn't happen. But in this case there is no reason for guilt or disappointment. It is an impossible situation at best. It's like trying to nail jello to a tree. Even if you get it to hang there for a moment, it eventually slides away from you.
Keep us informed as to what happens. Perhaps even put your two cents worth in with the doctor. It is time Sister was freed from her burden but nobody can actually do that but her.
Whatever happens, you know we are all here hanging on to your towels and standing behind you supporting you.