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Old 01-16-2009, 11:46 PM   #1
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A question about mom's stuff

Mom is moving into our home in 2 days...

We have 50 boxes of her stuff minus her clothes and favorite chair etc...we still have alot to move here...

She has a dining room table that is a glass top and a marble base and has 5 chairs. it has not been used for 8 years. She wants to keep it in storage, we want to sell it and put the money in her bank account...

We can "say" it is in storage and she will forget it, is this a bad idea to sell it and say it is being stored???

She also has a hutch and the same applies...

I could take pics of the pieces and say they are stored, she is stage 4 now and declining...

I really want to get rid of this 10 year old stuff and put money in her pocket, even if I need to be secretive, as it is stuff she will not be needing...

any advice is appreciated!

Last edited by Lookingout4Mom; 01-16-2009 at 11:48 PM.

 
Old 01-17-2009, 12:04 AM   #2
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Re: A question about mom's stuff

If they are in storage she can not see them. If they are sold she can not see them. She will eventually forget about the pieces and you can use the money for her care. I say get rid of what you can and say what you have to say to your Mom to make her happy. If you store them, you will just have to dispense with them later....

There is nothing wrong with telling your Mom what you need to tell her in order to do what you need to do and to make her happy. Remember, she doesn't have the cognitive ability that you have to deal with reality

Love, deb

 
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Old 01-17-2009, 12:14 AM   #3
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Re: A question about mom's stuff

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lookingout4Mom View Post
Mom is moving into our home in 2 days...

We have 50 boxes of her stuff minus her clothes and favorite chair etc...we still have alot to move here...

She has a dining room table that is a glass top and a marble base and has 5 chairs. it has not been used for 8 years. She wants to keep it in storage, we want to sell it and put the money in her bank account...

We can "say" it is in storage and she will forget it, is this a bad idea to sell it and say it is being stored???

She also has a hutch and the same applies...

I could take pics of the pieces and say they are stored, she is stage 4 now and declining...

I really want to get rid of this 10 year old stuff and put money in her pocket, even if I need to be secretive, as it is stuff she will not be needing...

any advice is appreciated!
Hello,
Boy, this is a hard one. You want to do what your Mom wants but you also need to consider your needs, especially, since she's moving in with you. If it were me, I would ask her what her favorite things are that your home will allow so that she will feel comfortable. It doesn't have to be the big stuff--just really special things to her. It's really hard to know what to do--are any of her pieces of furniture things that mean alot to you because once they are gone--they are gone. When I lost my Dad and Mom, it was really hard for me to give anything up because they lived with us in an apartment that is attached to our home. If you don't think it will be a big problem with her, I would probably sell it now because I think it will be harder on you later on.
Hope this helps. precious49 God Bless You and Yours Today and EveryDay

 
Old 01-17-2009, 12:24 AM   #4
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Re: A question about mom's stuff

DGabriel10

precious49

Thank you both for the advice

Mom is happy, that is the main concern...

I will take your advice and follow it!

 
Old 01-17-2009, 03:49 AM   #5
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Re: A question about mom's stuff

I would do everything now while you are in the midst of of it all. You may as
well just part with it now because you would only be postponing the inevitable. Those pieces of furniture will never be used by her again You cannot have it in your house so therefore I would do what needs to be done today. Why put off what needs to be done today for tomorrow is my theory in life. As their will always be more for you to do tomorrow. Out of sight out of mind is what will happen with mom about it anyways. I would just say it is in storage and leave it at that. Eventually she will forget all about it.
Best of luck with the transition of mom moving in with you.

Love Pauline

 
Old 01-17-2009, 06:50 AM   #6
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Re: A question about mom's stuff

When Mom moved to my brother's house, he took her own bedroom set and favorite rocking chair, and a china closet. The china closet fit in with his dining room decor, her bedroom set went into her room, the spare bedroom.

ALL the rest was given away. She (we) lived in Queens NY and there is a lot of poverty there. Bill put the items of furniture on the sidewalk. The super of our building came by and said are you really giving all that stuff away? I know a family just arrived from Honduras who have NOTHING. When the moving van came to get Mom's stuff for Bill's house, and when the movers heard the story, they carried, loaded, unloaded and carried all her extra furniture into the apartment of the Honduran couple .. including dishes, glasses, pots and pans, sheets, towels, vases, wall pictures, couch, chairs, kitchen table, a bed, a dresser, end tables, coffee table. ..anything Bill decided Mom would not need or miss. I was movng to Indiana to start over, and in fact wound up buying much of my furniture from garage sales and consignment shops. It was cheaper than moving them from NY.

She never did miss or ask for anything. She forgot those entire years -- she forgot I had lived with her for 5 years. A few of her own items went to her room in the NH three months later. The bedroom stuff is still at Bill's house, and it is now a guest room, where I sleep when I visit NY.

Your Mom will not miss or remember anything. Do not pay for storage - give it away. GoodWill, Salvation Army, Homeless Shelters etc. You will feel good about it.

Love,

Martha

Last edited by Martha H; 01-17-2009 at 06:51 AM.

 
Old 01-17-2009, 09:11 AM   #7
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Re: A question about mom's stuff

Martha...absolutely love your solution to your Mom's things! Your brother must have a personality just like yours!

O.K., Looking...I agree with the others it's the best thing to go ahead and sell what Mom no longer needs and put the $$ toward her care.

There are 6 "kids" in my family...the 2nd brother has the POA. When Mom first went into a facility with a broken hip, we honestly thought there was a possibility of her returning home. That didn't happen...she never did go back.

She had a big 'ole farm house full of stuff...it took 4 of us more than a year to sort, throw, store. We had no choice but to sell the house to take care of Mom. Lots of antiques that had been in the family for years were put into a storage facility...the $60 monthly fee was taken out of Mom's money. After a couple months, I suggested to "that" brother it may be smarter to let each of us pay $10 a month...or just go ahead and empty the storage unit....each of us already knew which items Mom wanted us to have..........Mom would never be needing any of it again so this made sense to me. He nixed the idea until more than a year later when the youngest brother "came up" with this solution!

Mom was in an Alzheimer's Facility with a twin bed, dresser, and a couple chairs. That's all she needed, and she never realized she had ever had anything more.

One of the most difficult parts of this entire disease process is each of us coming to realize that it is O.K. to tell little white lies to our loved ones...it is O.K. to not have guilty feelings when making needed decisions...it is O.K. to go thru and get rid of property/items.

It's a wonderful testament to how each of us were raised by our parents that these are difficult for us to do...it seems to go against everything we were taught...but coming to understand and accept what we cannot change is a huge step in getting thru this horrific journey........Pam

 
Old 01-17-2009, 03:57 PM   #8
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Re: A question about mom's stuff

Quote:
Originally Posted by petal*pusher View Post
it is O.K. to tell little white lies to our loved ones...it is O.K. to not have guilty feelings when making needed decisions...it is O.K. to go thru and get rid of property/items.
Oh, I so agree with this! Little things tend to make my MIL get agitated. She obsesses about how much money she has (or doesn't have, more accurately), how many pills I have for her to take, and any number of other things. I now tell her the easy answers. When she wants to know how much money she has, I just tell her that her social security check goes into her account every month. I'm amazed, but she's satisfied with that. The motion detector in the hallway outside her door? That's the kids walkie talkies recharging. Etc, etc. Her safety, comfort, and manageability are what counts! She can't understand, she can't process, and it just gets everyone stressed, so we say what we need to.

Yes, by all means, sell the items and put the money in her account to help take care of her, or give it away like Martha's brother did. You have her good in mind, but you're in charge.

My two cents worth...
Emily

 
Old 01-17-2009, 07:58 PM   #9
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Re: A question about mom's stuff

My father was concerned about paying for the storage unit and the apt. We told him that we would set the apt. back up when he was healthy again. WE knew that daddy was failing and wouldn't be around to see the sun set on the year again.. but we wouldn't tell him that. He was happy that he wasn't paying rent on the apt. and storage shed. You do what you have to do to save your loved ones.

You Mom will never miss the table...And a glass table isn't a good item for someone with dementia. She wouldn't be able to see the edges and it would be a hazard for her to have in her room. So there! we have another reason to dispose of it!

 
Old 01-17-2009, 08:48 PM   #10
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Re: A question about mom's stuff

Thanks to every one of you for all of your replies and advice!
I have been doing a billion things and would have replied sooner, but 1/2 of today I ran errands with Mom while DH and his friend moved her desk and bookcase to our home for her.

The latter part of the day I felt very sick. Must have been the 2 diet cokes and 2 double coffees, I thought I was going to have a heart attack! I feel better now, it almost felt like a viral stomach thing for a few hours...

Anyways, we celebrate Christmas tomorrow at Mom's parents house (they are 91 and 90) 2.5 hours from us.
(They were ill during Christmastime)

I have movers scheduled for Monday. I could cancel them though. They did not have me put a deposit.

The storage is $30.00/mo.

We have a Realtor who said to "stage" Mom's house to sell
and told me what to leave there:

1 sofa and 2 chairs from Italy 100 years old in mint shape plus 2 end tables (marble) and a marble coffee table also from Italy, a picture from Italy, 2 lamps from Italy...all 100 years old!

Also kitchen table and 4 chairs stay

But not much else stays for the sale oh the hutch stays too.


Mom also has a Viking statue that is worth ?? and a Vintage gold leaf mirror, which she told me to sell, but I need to ask my Grandma tomorrow about the value of it as it was hers.

The dining room table/ 5 chairs would sell easily for a couple hundred, it has a matching hutch
She also has a tv center I will sell for 20 its older...
I think I should cancel the movers and sell her stuff before the handyman comes to do repairs, leave what is left to stage and decide what to do with the rest during the showing.

I do not want 100 year old furniture, no matter how worthy it may be.
I think it should be sold to put in her bank.

Does anyone know if I should contact her Elder Law Attorney? I am DPOA but am I to keep track if I let my sibling have something of hers? How does that work?

When I held up each of her 100 books/clothing/jewelery/kitchen stuff for her and she wanted to donate one, if I though I could sell it for her I did, otherwise it got donated to the Goodwill, or if it was a tshirt I did take 2 home and one jacket that she did not want. She still has about 5 jackets and 15 sweaters and lots and lots of other clothes she forgot about. I would keep a few but sell/donate the rest. We donated her old shoes too.

But this seems different because she thinks furniture is still hers. Really sad, but at least she is still happy. She has asked me to sell a few
Even though she fell and bruised her knee and her filling fell out she is still smiling. We go to the dentist on Tuesday and I am glad she has dental insurance.

Anyways a lot to decide and trying to take it one day at a time here.

If you knew how much stuff she has you would really not believe it. Shopaholic and still shops Macys for most of her make up!! And she is a former chief as well and she used to make ceramics and porcelain dolls, the dolls and the clothes which she made are in boxes in my garage(been there for years) and need to be strung together, I want to keep a couple but probably sell the rest.

She also collected plates like Frank Sinatra that sings etc...

I am a clutter free person and DH agrees her room and our home will stay as clutter free as it can.

 
Old 01-17-2009, 10:32 PM   #11
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Re: A question about mom's stuff

looking, I don't think there will be questions about the small stuff but I would definitely keep records on what happened to the antiques in case there are questions later. If it is sold and goes into Mom's account just keep a record. If it was given to a relative then you need a record of the item and the value. I would only drag it out if asked but it is better to have a written record than trying to recall from memory what it is for.

It also sounds like you need to get an appraiser to give you a current value of the antiques. It may amaze you how much some of those may be worth and at least you will know that you are getting fair market value for what you sell.

Love, deb

 
Old 01-17-2009, 10:39 PM   #12
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Re: A question about mom's stuff

Thanks deb

I am going to get appraisals, I was a RE appraiser trainee at one time so I can ask that forum for direction...

Thanks for the continued advice! I am off to bed and we have a big day tomorrow!

 
Old 01-18-2009, 02:27 AM   #13
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Re: A question about mom's stuff

Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha H View Post
When Mom moved to my brother's house, he took her own bedroom set and favorite rocking chair, and a china closet. The china closet fit in with his dining room decor, her bedroom set went into her room, the spare bedroom.

ALL the rest was given away. She (we) lived in Queens NY and there is a lot of poverty there. Bill put the items of furniture on the sidewalk. The super of our building came by and said are you really giving all that stuff away? I know a family just arrived from Honduras who have NOTHING. When the moving van came to get Mom's stuff for Bill's house, and when the movers heard the story, they carried, loaded, unloaded and carried all her extra furniture into the apartment of the Honduran couple .. including dishes, glasses, pots and pans, sheets, towels, vases, wall pictures, couch, chairs, kitchen table, a bed, a dresser, end tables, coffee table. ..anything Bill decided Mom would not need or miss. I was movng to Indiana to start over, and in fact wound up buying much of my furniture from garage sales and consignment shops. It was cheaper than moving them from NY.

She never did miss or ask for anything. She forgot those entire years -- she forgot I had lived with her for 5 years. A few of her own items went to her room in the NH three months later. The bedroom stuff is still at Bill's house, and it is now a guest room, where I sleep when I visit NY.

Your Mom will not miss or remember anything. Do not pay for storage - give it away. GoodWill, Salvation Army, Homeless Shelters etc. You will feel good about it.

Love,

Martha
Hello Martha,
What an awesome story about your brother and his helping others that really are in need. God Bless You and Yours Today and EveryDay precious49

 
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