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Old 01-27-2009, 08:18 AM   #1
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What the neighbours must think?

Mom has put us kids in so many embarrassing situations. When she ended up in the hospital this past fall. She told all the visiting neighbours and acquaintances that her family didn't even come to see her. Up to a certain point they believed her... So untrue...we drove hundreds of miles to be with her. What those people must have thought?

When she was staying here and someone would phone, she would tell them how terrible and how unhappy she is here, but she acted just fine around me.
I would get on the phone after she was finished and quiety walk into another room and tell them that mom is doing fine here.

She forgets that she eats so when she talks to others she tells them that she is not eating, or that she had nothing to eat...they are probably thinking we are starving her.

She told the neighbours that she has a lump growing on her head so they were frantic with worry, it wasn't even true.

She said that I was feeding her sleeping pills so she sleeps all the time, which wasn't true...

She embarrassed my sister calling her a liar in front of professionals

She says she is stuck in a *ell hole and has to get out of there. There's so much more that I can't even mention on this board.

She is at my sister's now and when I talk to mom on the phone she sounds just as she was here, so convincing that it is just terrible there, and that she has to get out of there, but I know that my sister just as I, has done everything possible to take care of her and make her happy..
Still have to wonder if what she says is believed by others?. Remember that mom is not in a Nursing Home yet, so she still has interaction with normal living. If she was in a Nursing Home, they would understand her behavior better. Normally when someone told me something before, I had no reason to disbelieve them, but then again I never knew anyone with dementia until my mother got sick?

 
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Old 01-27-2009, 08:56 AM   #2
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Re: What the neighbours must think?

quit beating yourself up with this. as long as you and your sister knows the truth. thats what counts. we cant changed people. we have to changed the way we feel. anybody that knows you and you sister knows better. and the ones that chooses to believe your mom. arent worth the time of day. hang in there. disney world

 
Old 01-27-2009, 10:47 AM   #3
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Re: What the neighbours must think?

hey dorri, i'm going thru the same thing with my mom, but now she is in a nursing home because she fell and fractured her pelvis. she wouldn't listen when we suggested that she use the walker and the cane we got for her. i visit her every day. one day "everything is great and the place she is at is just wonderful", then the next day she'll say "this is the worst place ever the food is bad and they don't give her her meds". the bad thing about this kind of disease is it's not simply fixed or sometimes diagnosed. when she first went to the nursing home both the doctor and the social worker said she was competant. they gave her a ten questionairre (sp) since she got 9 out of 10 they thought she was fine. i told them to spend 15 minutes talking to her. they got the hint. she definately has dementia but at 89 i guess she has earned it. though as frustrating it is for us i know it is for her too, as she realizes she cant do things like she used too. hang in there, don't worry about the neighbors, take care of your mom like you are so you have no regrets. sounds like you are doing a great job! amed

 
Old 01-27-2009, 10:48 AM   #4
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Re: What the neighbours must think?

My MIL isn't as bad as that, but she's heading there. I just wink at people after she's had her opportunity to spill out her innocent lies and quietly say "she has that A-L-Z disease." She generally can't hear me, as she can't hear worth a hoot most of the time (mainly a focus problem, I've discovered), but she doesn't understand the spelling out of A-L-Z if she does hear. It relieves me that the neighbors don't think I'm abusing her and aren't going to report me! I usually get a smile and a nod of understanding back from the person who just received her little lies (which she completely believes, of course).

Maybe you can talk to her neighbors or others who are involved in her life, explain her situation, and give them your phone number to call in case there's a major change or emergency.

Hang in there!
Emily

 
Old 01-27-2009, 11:14 AM   #5
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Re: What the neighbours must think?

First dorri,

don't beat yourself up. It's the disease that is causing your Mom to go off on these tangents. There isn't a whole lot that you can do about that!

It also sounds like it's about time that your mother moves in somewhere where she is watched over by someone else. She isn't living on her own now is she? It doesn't sound like she is able to live on her own any more.

Good luck, keep posting and take deep breaths!

 
Old 01-27-2009, 12:03 PM   #6
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Re: What the neighbours must think?

Thanks guys..no. my sister is still trying to look after mom in her home. I know that on some days she is having a very hard time and has admitted that she didn't realize how bad mom has become in such a short time. She is the one who has primary decision making for mom's care, so don't know in the end if she will continue to care for her with assistance from available services, or if she will sign mom into a Nursing Home. Something got messed up with her referral for an assessment so it's back to waiting again, but like her doctor said, an assessment won't tell you more than what we already know, he said she needs a Nursing Home.

Mom has passed the stage where she would be able to care for herself in her own home....it was only a short time ago ( a few months ago) that she was running everything smoothly. She had a rapid decline from one extreme to another.
She cannot remember being given her medication, and asks about it a minute later..she asks what she is taking everytime, even though we kindly tell her.
She can't remember eating at times..she doesn't know where she is half the time. It would be disastrous to leave her in a house with a stove with the way she dozes off in a second or forgets what she is doing? Mom needs constant supervision.

 
Old 01-27-2009, 01:20 PM   #7
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Re: What the neighbours must think?

I remember a time when I was turning onto my street and a neighbor that knew my mother was sitting on her stairs. She was 80+ years old. Well, she flagged me down and I pulled over.

She said that she was talking to my mother and some others at the senior center and thought it was horrible that my mother wasn't being taken to the doctors, etc.

I said what are you talking about. She said my mother told them all she wasn't feeling good and when Sister was told that, Sister said 'there's nothing wrong with you and you don't need to see a doctor".

I said "that may be. My mother got to the stage where she wanted attention and the way she got it was to constantly complain about this or that and Sister was running her back and forth all the time to the doctors".

Now we take her for her quarterly checkups, or follow up for any tests that she took and take her when she's actually sick with something real.

She was like "Oh, I see, I'll tell the others".

So you see, it happens to all of us. We have to stop feeling that we have to answer everyone. We know the truth.

 
Old 01-27-2009, 01:54 PM   #8
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Re: What the neighbours must think?

Quote:
Originally Posted by caringsister54 View Post

She said that she was talking to my mother and some others at the senior center and thought it was horrible that my mother wasn't being taken to the doctors, etc.

I said what are you talking about. She said my mother told them all she wasn't feeling good and when Sister was told that, Sister said 'there's nothing wrong with you and you don't need to see a doctor".

I said "that may be. My mother got to the stage where she wanted attention and the way she got it was to constantly complain about this or that and Sister was running her back and forth all the time to the doctors".
My mom did a similar thing about her health complaints..she would finish with one complaint after the doctor checked, tested and reassured her, but immediately after she would start on another. Finally her friends started to disappear because they didn't want to listen to it anymore.

 
Old 01-27-2009, 03:32 PM   #9
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Re: What the neighbours must think?

Been there done that dorri. Mom wrote in many of her christmas cards that she lived in a H Hole and we would not let her leave, and if they were truly her friends they would come rescue her. I was able to speak with many of her friends just before Christmas. The word Alzheimer gave them clarity of understanding they needed and they all know that my sisters and myself would only do what was the best for Mom and Dad. So don't worry about what other's might think. If they are concerned they will mention it and a simple exlplination is sufficient. It is amazing how many have been touched by this horrible disease and understand. Or at least that is what I have found to be true.

Love, deb

 
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