It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 01-29-2009, 11:11 PM   #1
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 88
Lookingout4Mom HB User
Second guessing things

Mom is moved into our home. It is me and my spouse who is such a dear, and now Mom, who I try to let stay independent. I feel such relief she is here.

Right now she is sleeping. She has a big day tomorrow with her companion.

After her move, I keep expecting her to ask about her old place, her furniture, etc...but she seems to have forgotten.

Anyways, I just finished most of the paperwork for her living trust; the 2 deeds and 3 bank accounts are processing.

I wanted her old house in the trust since she did live there when it was established.

Anyways, we have questions about being reimbursed by her for AD proofing our home and also for groceries and utilities.

My question is not so much the reimbursement (we used our credit cards for most of the stuff)

But am I supposed to contact her Elder Lawyer or just keep all of the receipts and a copy of a check from her with a memo??

I also think her lawyer needs to know Mom moved!

Please share your stories.

Also I plan to sell her furniture to put into her trust. We moved some of it into her new room here.

My sibling showed some interest in storing some of her furniture, but, I feel strongly that I should sell it. He talks alot, and is not reliable to actually come to vist much less pick up some furniture. I do not want the hassle.

Any advice or stories are helpful!

Oh and I had some of her stuff appraised, she seemed to think it was valuable. It is not real valuable, but maybe she can make a couple grand from 2 chairs 1 couch 1 coffee table 1 end table and 2 lamps...

I just worry one day she will wake up, but I pretty much know that wont happen...

Last edited by Lookingout4Mom; 01-29-2009 at 11:15 PM.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 01-30-2009, 07:23 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: NJ, United States
Posts: 1,471
caringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB User
Re: Second guessing things

You need to get a lawyer involved in everything. We are now suffering the horror of dealing with hospice and NH's regarding Mom because they all say no insurance pays for room and board and they want my sister and I financially liable for that cost. Around here the rate seems to be between $240 and $290 per day, we don't have that kind of money.

They feel that because we created a trust 7 years ago, it was because we wanted to 'hide' her money and stuff. There is a 5-year look back period. Unfortuantely they are wrong. There's no extra money. What small amount is left will be gone within 2 months.

They do require you to pre-plan and pre-pay funerals before you put them in a NH, around here that's about $9,700.

They keep saying they won't take the money they just want to see the account information, Our lawyer said that as of July, 2007, that account basically became my sisters and I and we could've used it for anything we wanted but we used it to supplement the short-fall of everyday living with her social security and what money I was able to contribute. it was the reason why what money she did have lasted as long as it did.

Now that the NH is taking the social security, my sister who hasn't worked in 8 years needs what money is left -- after paying the funeral expenses, to pay a home-equity loan my mother took out years ago and all the utililities, etc. to run a house.

In NJ, you need to look towards medicaid, the only problem is you don't fill out any paperwork until you need it. Sister went down and wanted to do it right then and there and they said, she can't be dealt with until March. Sister lost it in the office and broke down. now they gave us an appt. February 4th. In the meantime, everyone wants room and board for 3 months upfront?

You do need a lawyer but also he may tell you that you need to make sure its protected in such a way which may mean you don't put all the money into that account. We did everything right and now my aunt is saying, its unfortunate that we were so truthful and loyal to mom because no good deed goes unpunished and the way people have been speaking to us over the last few days, the fact that no doctor returned out calls, they signed my mother out of the hospital days ago saying there was nothing mroe that could be done, and happily informed us that it meant the medicare coverage also stopped. (I can see their smiles through the phone).

Protect yourself and your mother. Keep the lawyer involved in everything just in case, in a few years when it gets bad (and I hope its not very soon) you may find that you need to put her some where.

Thinking of you, now that we're going through it.

Caring

 
Old 01-30-2009, 02:31 PM   #3
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: kinston,NC usa
Posts: 327
thisworld HB User
Re: Second guessing things

caring sister, listen to me good. hospice can not talk to you this way. I dont know about NH though. but a hospice facility can not turn you away. and no insurance want pay room and board. glad i didnt live in NJ. you say $290 a day. walts was $120 a day. something just isnt right here. also, I chose not to have a funeral. my girls aggreed with this. put money to the side when I sold some antiques to be cremated. $2,100. then one monring I woke up and thought I was going to check on donating Walts body to science. not because of money . but to help otheres with this horrible disease. called cancer. so much to this story. then I found out later I dont have to pay for cremation either. I believe when you die. its just a shell left. your soul is gone. so all of this made sense. I requested no flowers. and my true friends are here for me . instead I got money instead of floweres to help me out . i feel for you and your sister. but things needs to really be thought out . before you spend your last cent . life keeps going after someone dies. we all know that. Diane , you take care of your health. and dont put it on the back burner. love faye

 
Old 01-30-2009, 08:30 PM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: charlotte, nc, usa
Posts: 7,161
Gabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB User
Re: Second guessing things

Disney... I can tell you for fact that room rates here in NC are a LOT cheaper than they are up north. I have a friend in Boston that was looking for a care facility for his Mom the same time I was looking for Mom and Dad. We ended up at the same facility. The rates he was quoted were about twice as much as what they are here in NC.

They can talked to you that way but in your situation Diane... they are barking up a dead tree. The trust is secure and 2 years past the look back period so there is nothing they can do. You are not required to bring your Mom back into your house. You can refuse. You do not have to guarantee payment. You might not get your choice of facility but they will have to figure out where to put her. They can't just take her to the end of the street and put her out.

Looking, I would definitely keep recoreds and would ask your elder lawyer for his guidance. I have the bills for Mom and Dad's (insurance, house expenses, etc) drafted from their checking account. The only checks I write are for the lawn service and the Assisted Living Facility. My problem is going to be with Sister 4. She has access to Mom's ATM card and a check book since she is in the same town Mom is in and I am not. She is constantly "shopping" for Mom or reimbursing herself for "Stuff" and I have no receipts and no clue what she bought. She has also got the medicine and medical bills coming to her. Now she's not even talking to me. And I am supposed to keep that all straight ARGGG So what I did was give her a different series of check numbers. It is very obvious which spending is hers and which is mine. I have my receipts and will just let her justify her spending.

Your Mom will not be going back home so if you can sell the extras at a reasonable profit then do so. I hate that we are "hanging on" to Mom and Dad's house, very much as it was when they moved out, after 16 months. I wish it was done. I wish I had sold it before the bottom fell out of the real estate market but even today I have sisters that don't want to do anything. What would Mom say? So much hindsight!

My best advice is to check with your lawyer concerning what you need to do. Keep records of all monies coming and going. That is for your benefit. It's called covering your butt!!!!

You also need to check with the lawyer on provisions for reimbursement to you and your hubby for Mom being there. I know it is appropriate just don't know the mechanism to make it work.

I hope things go well with your Mom and she settles in quickly.

Love, deb

 
Old 01-30-2009, 08:59 PM   #5
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 88
Lookingout4Mom HB User
Re: Second guessing things

Thanks for the advice. I wrote a letter to Mom's Attorney and I am posting it here. This is new to me and I need all the help I can get!
Dear (Attorney name):
I felt an urgency to move my Mother, name, to our home for the time being.
She had suffered from a Urinary Tract Infection that has caused her mental health to decline. Mother is still ambulatory and loves to still go out for dining and to shop and she is content.
We have moved her most cherished belongings from her old home, and my spouse has added numerous safety features to our home such as grab bars in the shower and a latch so she cannot open the exterior doors.

We do not leave her alone and she still goes on outings with the same Licensed Companion she has been with since 3/2008.

Her Trust is being established. The 2 deeds have been recorded.

She has some heirloom furniture and I did have it appraised and it is not antique.
My sibling has asked if I want him to store it for Mother, as he thinks it is very valuable.
I believe it should be sold and put in her trust, please advise if it is not what I am to do.
The appraiserís name and telephone number are available to you:
Appraiser
(000) 000-0000
He appraised the furniture at $1950.00.

I will be keeping all receipts and records. Mother will contribute to 1/3 of groceries but only what she is going to want to eat, as well as a portion of the utilities.
To clarify groceries; if spouse buys oranges, she will not have to reimburse us for 1/3 of the cost of oranges because she does not like to eat oranges.
I will track the past utility/water bills and future bills and the difference is what she will be paying.

Her town home will be going up for sale soon. She know this and agrees to sell.

Her memory is very short term that since she moved in with us, she has forgotten about her Town home and her furniture.

Please do not hesitate to call or write.
Do we need to do anything to her Trust regarding her change of residence?

Sincerely,
daughter

 
Old 01-30-2009, 09:17 PM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: charlotte, nc, usa
Posts: 7,161
Gabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB User
Re: Second guessing things

I sounds good to me. You might want to include if there should be provisions to reimburse yourself for care or housing. I do know some have taken compensation for caring for their loved one or "rent" for staying in the house with them. That is entirely up to you but a possibility.

Let us know what you find out.

Love, deb

 
Old 01-30-2009, 10:11 PM   #7
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 88
Lookingout4Mom HB User
Re: Second guessing things

Quote:
Originally Posted by DGabriel10 View Post
I sounds good to me. You might want to include if there should be provisions to reimburse yourself for care or housing. I do know some have taken compensation for caring for their loved one or "rent" for staying in the house with them. That is entirely up to you but a possibility.

Let us know what you find out.

Love, deb
Thanks Deb,
The fact that my Mom is sick and dying slowly makes me want to not take money from her at all. This is how I feel now. Maybe my feelings will change.
My Mom is bringing her company to us for now plus:
newer towels, nice body wash (my mom buys 10X of everything, forgets about it, then buys more- not now, but she brought a lot of usable things here)

a close to brand new car we get to drive when she is in it and she buys the gas (it has 4000.00 miles on it)

We will unpack and use some of her kitchen things like a blender for later stages for feeding her, a gazillion pots and pans and ziplock bags trash bags staples etc...

She also moved an entire office supply store including a gazillion post its file folders etc...computer, desk I plan to use it all to keep track of everything.

Her income right now is 4400 but will be reduced to around 2200. I want most of it to pay for her in home care.

I never want to put her away somewhere, ever. I know I may have to but my goal is to keep her here with us.


Last edited by Lookingout4Mom; 01-30-2009 at 10:13 PM.

 
Old 01-31-2009, 04:53 AM   #8
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Adrian, Mi. USA
Posts: 445
petal*pusher HB User
Re: Second guessing things

Bless, bless, bless your heart "looking".....your honesty in trying to keep track of all you are doing is very admirable! There may come a time however, where you may realize the enormous responsibility/challenge/reality of keeping your Mom at home will be overwelming. Each of us start this journey with noble thoughts...and have had to realize there is NO guilt or remorse if placement has to be made.

I'm not sure there will be anyone keeping track of all those "incidentals" you're talking about...but I know when we broke up Mom's household...we used cleaning products right there and just decided whoever needed towels, blankets, etc. should go ahead and take them. We took several loads of this type of stuff to homeless sites. The furniture and bigger things were divided at a later date.

With my inlaws...they were both placed about 4 years ago...MIL passed Christmas of 2007...FIL passed Christmas of 2008................their house remains F-U-L-L of all possessions! Their 3 sons have made little attempt at emptying the home....ARGH!! I have packed up all clothes and given them away...but there is just so much being ignored.

You're smart to write that letter...it's important that you document what you are doing. There's just so many decisions to make......(sigh) p

 
Old 01-31-2009, 05:34 AM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Martha H's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Middlebury, IN
Posts: 4,695
Martha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB User
Re: Second guessing things

When I moved to NY to take care of Mom, I found a job and contributed to the household 50/50. Later, as I beacame her Dementia Caregiver, I continued to do that. As it turned out, her savings went to pay for the 3 months of NH care (in NY, at $11,000 per month) before Medicaid took over, and for her funeral. I was finacnailly strapped; when I retired, I barely made ends meet.

I didn't think it would have been terribly wrong to pay myself something out of Mom's money.

As it turned out, Mom had a joint account with my brother. This account existed for 30 years, since my Dad passed away. That money now belonged 50/50 to both Mom and him, but he always considered it her money.

After half of it went to the NH and all other assetts she had went to the NH, and Mom passed away, my brother, with the agreement of our sister, gave ME all that was left in that account. It was as much as I would have been entitled to pay myself if I had done so for the last year or two when she needed all night care.

So you see, it all came out right in the end, and now I am no longer struggling quite so much to make ends meet ...

Love,

Martha

Last edited by Martha H; 01-31-2009 at 05:35 AM.

 
Old 01-31-2009, 07:58 AM   #10
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
DrewsG's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Illinois usa
Posts: 690
DrewsG HB UserDrewsG HB UserDrewsG HB UserDrewsG HB User
Re: Second guessing things

Dear Martha,
I'm sure you already know this but your brother is a gem. I know most people hope that their brothers and sisters will "do the right thing" but when it comes to money.............it doesn't always happen. You had mention your brother before in another posting and I thought at the time how wonderful and fair your brother was to you. Just wanted to tell you how glad I am for you. You deserve it Lady. You were a good daughter to your sweet Mom.


Love, Chris

 
Old 01-31-2009, 08:55 AM   #11
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Adrian, Mi. USA
Posts: 445
petal*pusher HB User
Re: Second guessing things

Amen to that!........p

 
Old 01-31-2009, 09:45 AM   #12
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: charlotte, nc, usa
Posts: 7,161
Gabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB User
Re: Second guessing things

Martha, I know you know how lucky you are to have such a wonderful brother Martha but I must tell you he is a gem. What a wonderful thing for him to do for you.

Pam, I know your delima. Mom and Dad's house is the same. Just sitting. The food and clothes were taken out but the rest remains. When I mention it I am told, this is not the right time.

Looking, I feel much the same as you and don't take compensation for what I do for Mom and Dad but wanted to make you and others aware that it is appropriate. I remember the day when I was as determined as you to keep Mom and Dad at home. As the situation changes you have to rethink your decision and as others have said, no regert or guilt when the time comes. Just take it one day at a time.

Love, deb

 
Old 01-31-2009, 06:41 PM   #13
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Lake Worth, FLorida USA
Posts: 1,676
meg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB User
Re: Second guessing things

We too had to empty out the house..oh my gosh, what a task...after about three months, my husband, my second son and I started just walking in cirlcles...after so long, looking at the same stuff was dizzy-ing. So, in rides my oldest son from out of town. Within one day he cleaned out the house completely and had everything moved to the garage and then he involved us...he made piles...goodwill, garbage, storage. Well, within one weekend of his work we were done. It took a new set of eyes to finish the job. What a load off of our backs.

And I too know the value of good brothers...yes, Martha, you got one of those good ones! As did I.

In a perfect world my mom would be here with me but I know it isn't best for her or us. That may sound selfish but, if I am anything, it is realistic. She lives not where she wants but where it is best for her. It's hard but I accept it.

We can only do what we can only do. We try daily to keep her happy in the moment.

And yes, my mom is quite the shopper too. Her repeat buys are eyebrow pencils (which she applies below her eyebrows) and purses. A girl jsut can't get enough purses ya know.
One time I told her that because she buys so many eyebrow pencils that when she dies I will have to have a dump truck backed up to her apartment to get them all out.

Love to all this fine night,
Meg

 
Old 01-31-2009, 10:28 PM   #14
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: charlotte, nc, usa
Posts: 7,161
Gabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB User
Re: Second guessing things

The eyebrow pencil story made me chuckle Meg. Mom's latest is air fesheners. Under the sink is filled with air fresheners. If they were all opened at once.... WOW!!!

You attitude about where you mom is definitely mirrors mine. It is not what I want but what is needed for my parents. Each day I realize that more and more. Dad's wandering, hallucinating, and aggitation is so much worse now. Mom's ability to deal with him is almost gone. I cannot imagine them still being at home. What a disaster that would be. So we didn't make the move too soon. Last night Dad wandered most of the night and had a bad morning as well. I truly wonder how long this will go on before my sister gives up and lets them move him to the locked unit. Since she is there, I have told her, that when she makes the decision I will back her 100%. She is resistent to move him but she is the one that answers the call.

Love, deb

 
Old 02-01-2009, 02:36 AM   #15
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Lake Worth, FLorida USA
Posts: 1,676
meg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB User
Re: Second guessing things

Deb,
I'm so sorry your dad has advanced to this point. And I think how hard it will be for your mother for him to moved away from her even though it will give her some piece but the thought of splitting them up is sad indeed.

Love, Meg

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Anyone else a second or third time mommy? Delia79 Pregnancy 4 07-05-2008 04:52 PM
allergies, my 3 year old and second hand smoke kelly80zoe04 Allergies 12 12-02-2007 07:27 AM
second guessing during mania? InShambles Bipolar Disorder 4 04-15-2007 04:42 PM
Issues... Grief, second guessing, confrontations ICC Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) 10 03-17-2007 02:02 PM
Second guessing.... cinting Relationship Health 25 03-15-2006 02:04 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added




Top 10 Drugs Discussed on this Board.
(Go to DrugTalk.com for complete list)
Aricept
Aspirin
Ativan
Morphine
Namenda
  Reminyl
Risperdal Seroquel
Xanax
Zoloft




TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Gabriel (762), ninamarc (157), Martha H (124), meg1230 (93), angel_bear (68), jagsmu (55), Beginning (51), TC08 (44), ibake&pray (43), debbie g (37)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1182), MSJayhawk (1015), Apollo123 (913), Titchou (862), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (763), ladybud (760), midwest1 (671), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:10 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!