Hi everyone....some of the newer members won't know me, but for those who were here back in 2005 when I started posting about my mother and her dementia.... I just wanted to stop back in and let you know that she passed away on Jan. 13. I went in to wake her up as I usually did, and she was already gone. We should be getting the death certificate today or tomorrow... I suspect she had a heart attack. It was very strange.... I didn't go completely hysterical like I always thought I would.... I said, "You're finally free".
Her best friend for over 60 years talked to her on the phone the week before she passed.... when I finally got in touch with her to tell her, she said she knew that something was wrong with mom, and that she went into her bathroom and cried for mom, and asked God to take her soon.
I know alot of people here thought it was best to put her in a facility, but that isn't the answer for everyone. Dad said later on the day she died that he was at peace, because he did what he promised that her years ago that he would do (and vice versa), and that was to keep her out of a nursing home. Yes, it was extremely hard to deal with on a daily basis, and sometimes I would tell dad that it was getting to be more than we could handle, but he was firm in his decision. So I had to honor his wishes about keeping her at home. He has no regrets, and neither do I, frankly.
Thanks to everyone here who listened, and God bless those who are still on this journey....this is truly one of the worst diseases that there is.
I am very sorry to hear that you have lost your mother. But, you are right, she is now free. I am sure, at times it was quite a struggle for you to take care of your mother at home. I am new to this board, and taking care of my MIL at home.
God Bless, and may you find peace also.
Darla
I am very sorry to hear that you have lost your mother. But, you are right, she is now free. I am sure, at times it was quite a struggle for you to take care of your mother at home. I am new to this board, and taking care of my MIL at home.
God Bless, and may you find peace also.
Darla
Thank you Darla....and many blessings to you for caring for your MIL. It's a struggle for sure, but in the end when it is all said and done, we wouldn't have had her anywhere else but at home....even if she didn't recognize it as the home we've lived in since 1974. I lost mom a long time ago. I miss her physical presence, but if given the opportunity to have her back as she has been for the last few years, or to know that she is free and at peace, I want her to be at peace and safe where she is now.
sorry for your loss. We couldn't keep mom at home anymore. Wasn't healthy for my sister -- her caregiver. but I sure do wish God would speed up the process so my father isn't waiting at the gates of Heaven too long.
She is being hand fed and apparently taking in some food, but she still would rather sleep, so have no idea how long the seasaw is going to keep going.
sorry for your loss. We couldn't keep mom at home anymore. Wasn't healthy for my sister -- her caregiver. but I sure do wish God would speed up the process so my father isn't waiting at the gates of Heaven too long.
She is being hand fed and apparently taking in some food, but she still would rather sleep, so have no idea how long the seasaw is going to keep going.
Each situation is different....while it probably wasn't the healthiest situation for either of us, Dad still wouldn't have done it any other way.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, and I hope a peaceful end will come soon for your mom, and she will rejoin your dad.
I'm so sorry for your loss, Kim. I remember you, I've been coming to this Board since November 2004.
Yes, she is now free. like my Mom who died in Dec 2007. It was a long hard journey, but they are now whole again.
I hope you will gradually forget the helpless state she was in in the last few months and remember your Mom as she was in her younger days. I do that. I can think of Mom and all the memories are good, maybe then just for a few seconds the picture of her in her coffin or the blank look in her eyes those last few months suddenly flashes on - then I think of her again as she was before, active, bright, laughing, telling a silly joke or singing a silly song.
I wish you all the best as you go through the funeral and burial. God bless you. You did exactly the right thing for you and for your parents; there is not only one answer.
I'm so sorry for your loss, Kim. I remember you, I've been coming to this Board since November 2004.
Yes, she is now free. like my Mom who died in Dec 2007. It was a long hard journey, but they are now whole again.
I hope you will gradually forget the helpless state she was in in the last few months and remember your Mom as she was in her younger days. I do that. I can think of Mom and all the memories are good, maybe then just for a few seconds the picture of her in her coffin or the blank look in her eyes those last few months suddenly flashes on - then I think of her again as she was before, active, bright, laughing, telling a silly joke or singing a silly song.
I wish you all the best as you go through the funeral and burial. God bless you. You did exactly the right thing for you and for your parents; there is not only one answer.
Love,
Martha
Thank you, Martha....I felt for you back in 2007 when I saw that your mom had passed. You received the gift of a red feather....I looked up to heaven that morning before we went to the funeral home to make arrangements, and I asked her to give me a sign that she was ok.... this will sound very strange, but about an hour after that, as I was passing by my computer room to get ready to go to the funeral home, I saw our next door neighbors' cat on the fence. Momma cat always seemed to come around and sit on the bricks outside our dining room window, when mom was at her worst with her yelling, and name calling. I'd go out and sit on the front porch with Momma cat, and she would curl up on my lap and purr up a storm. So whether that was mom's sign that she was ok, I want to believe that it was.
We had a beautiful memorial service for her on the 16th, and we had her cremated...she didn't want bugs crawling on her! The funeral home put together a beautiful slideshow from pictures I brought in, and the way I will always remember mom is sitting at a slot machine in Reno! That was her favorite place to vacation, and we would go 4 times a year until her hip became too arthritic in 1998. She had her hip replaced, but could not walk the distance anymore. But before that, she loved going to Reno more than anything, and that's how I remember her.
God bless you as well, Martha...and thank you for your kindness during my rants!
I wish you all the best as you go through the funeral and burial. God bless you. You did exactly the right thing for you and for your parents; there is not only one answer.
Beautifully written Martha....
Kim, so sorry for your loss. This is such a difficult way to loose our loved ones.....stay close to your Dad......I'm sure he cherishes you greatly.............Pam
Last edited by petal*pusher; 02-03-2009 at 02:33 PM.
Kim, so sorry for your loss. This is such a difficult way to loose our loved ones.....stay close to your Dad......I'm sure he cherishes you greatly.............Pam
Thank you....I am staying close to dad right now....he is actually doing very well....he said he was at peace, and we both knew this would happen eventually, so it was a blessing given her tormented state of mind. I'm surprised she didn't give herself a stroke or heart attack earlier than this, given how angry she was.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Your parents are blessed to have you around and willing to so lovingly care for them. I'm glad you and your dad are both at peace. What a wonderful gift!
I am sorry for your lost and your Dad's loss but your Mom is at peace. Yes, she is free. I do understand your decision to do what you needed to do for you Mom and your Dad. Each decision is different. In my case both of my parents have dementia. We had no choice but AL in order to keep them together. So you are right... each has to make the choice that is right for them. I am glad you and your Dad are at peace with your choice and you did what was right for you all.
I will keep you and your Dad in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you find joy in her memories and peace in knowing you did everything possible.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Your parents are blessed to have you around and willing to so lovingly care for them. I'm glad you and your dad are both at peace. What a wonderful gift!
Blessings,
Emily
Thank you, Emily....yes, dad and I are both peaceful about her passing... we saw how much she was suffering, not knowing where she was, always saying she wanted to 'go home.' Dad said that when he finally got her settled down into bed the night before she passed, she said "What's that light?" Dad said there wasn't a light...and she said that there was, and that her mom and one of her brothers was waiting for her. So I hope they were both there, greeting her with open arms.
I am sorry for your lost and your Dad's loss but your Mom is at peace. Yes, she is free. I do understand your decision to do what you needed to do for you Mom and your Dad. Each decision is different. In my case both of my parents have dementia. We had no choice but AL in order to keep them together. So you are right... each has to make the choice that is right for them. I am glad you and your Dad are at peace with your choice and you did what was right for you all.
I will keep you and your Dad in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you find joy in her memories and peace in knowing you did everything possible.
Love, deb
Thank you, Deb...I've been following along with your journey, and I truly feel for you and your family. In your case, AL was the only choice. Dad did not want to go that route, so I am glad that we were able to keep her here until the end.
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers too, Deb. I know that I did the best that I could, and I find great comfort in that.
I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. My dad and I are doing exactly what you and your dad did with your Mom. We are taking care of Mom in the home. It is a decsion that my Dad stands firm on. I used to try to tell him that she needed to be in a facility where she can be taken care of 24/7. He just repeats the same thing back to me. She will never go to a Nursing Home as long as I am (meaning him) is alive. Somedays I believe he is going to die trying to take care of her. I moved back into there home to help Dad with her care four years ago. I have seen a steady decline year to to year, month to month, week to week and even day to day now. My dad does most of the care during the day as I work a full time job as well. When I come home from work my nights are spent taking over for my dad so he can have a little break from it. We have become a team in this Dementia/AlZ journey. I know this journey won't last forever and that is what keeps me being able to do this. I tell myself this will pass and I want to know when this is all over that I did everything possible to make Mom's days a little better for her. I do understand the sense of peace that must come over you after they have past on. To watch my mom living in such confusion and turmoil is very difficult. I often try to imagine how she must feel. I often try to remember days of long ago before this disease took over her. I can't seem to remember those days and that troubles me. I have tons of pictures of places and events that she was part of before this that I will often look at. Then I am able to recall who she used to be. You and your dad did what you thought was best for your mom that alone must make you feel good!
Love Pauline
I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. My dad and I are doing exactly what you and your dad did with your Mom. We are taking care of Mom in the home. It is a decsion that my Dad stands firm on. I used to try to tell him that she needed to be in a facility where she can be taken care of 24/7. He just repeats the same thing back to me. She will never go to a Nursing Home as long as I am (meaning him) is alive. Somedays I believe he is going to die trying to take care of her. I moved back into there home to help Dad with her care four years ago. I have seen a steady decline year to to year, month to month, week to week and even day to day now. My dad does most of the care during the day as I work a full time job as well. When I come home from work my nights are spent taking over for my dad so he can have a little break from it. We have become a team in this Dementia/AlZ journey. I know this journey won't last forever and that is what keeps me being able to do this. I tell myself this will pass and I want to know when this is all over that I did everything possible to make Mom's days a little better for her. I do understand the sense of peace that must come over you after they have past on. To watch my mom living in such confusion and turmoil is very difficult. I often try to imagine how she must feel. I often try to remember days of long ago before this disease took over her. I can't seem to remember those days and that troubles me. I have tons of pictures of places and events that she was part of before this that I will often look at. Then I am able to recall who she used to be. You and your dad did what you thought was best for your mom that alone must make you feel good!
Love Pauline
Thank you, Pauline.... you understand how we both felt. Dad was very firm in his stance about not putting her in a home. It was very rough, but we can both look back now and say we did what we felt was right. I worried about dad's health, and I prayed to God to not take him first, because I know that I would not be able to handle mom by myself.
Trust me, Pauline...the good memories will erase the bad. God bless you for taking care of your mom and dad.
Thank you, Pauline.... you understand how we both felt. Dad was very firm in his stance about not putting her in a home. It was very rough, but we can both look back now and say we did what we felt was right. I worried about dad's health, and I prayed to God to not take him first, because I know that I would not be able to handle mom by myself.
Trust me, Pauline...the good memories will erase the bad. God bless you for taking care of your mom and dad.
RE Moms Journey has end
As I sit here reading your stories tears are falling down my face because of my own experience working with people with dementia and seeing that so many others do it there self with no out side help… I think that you are brave and courageous. I don’t think I could let my loved one go to a facility either. but you still have the option of in home care in a tight pinch or if you need respite care Believe me its worth it. I took advantage of respite care for my grandma and was greatly relieved and finally had a minute to take care of my self the one person I was the least concerned. about I looked exhausted all the time because I was terrified of her getting up in the night, and falling or forgetting to role over or just not waking up, I was getting up every two hours to reposition and do continence care was a constant routine. Thank god my parents were able to step in and help when they we not working but either way respite was a god send. god bless you for taking care of your family
Last edited by swimnutt1523; 02-03-2009 at 08:06 PM.
Reason: forgott to type
RE Moms Journey has end
As I sit here reading your stories tears are falling down my face because of my own experience working with people with dementia and seeing that so many others do it there self with no out side help… I think that you are brave and courageous. I don’t think I could let my loved one go to a facility either. but you still have the option of in home care in a tight pinch or if you need respite care Believe me its worth it. I took advantage of respite care for my grandma and was greatly relieved and finally had a minute to take care of my self the one person I was the least concerned. about I looked exhausted all the time because I was terrified of her getting up in the night, and falling or forgetting to role over or just not waking up, I was getting up every two hours to reposition and do continence care was a constant routine. Thank god my parents were able to step in and help when they we not working but either way respite was a god send. god bless you for taking care of your family
Thank you....and God bless you for all that you did for your grandma. Mom helped take care of her own mother before they finally had to put her into a nursing home....it really took a toll on mom, but she wanted to do it. Mom was not incontinent, yet...but I was afraid that she was on her way, by the accidents she was starting to have. I thank God that he took her before it got to that point, because the real fight would have started then.... she would have REFUSED to wear the Depends, I know it.
I'm very lucky that I was able to still work during this time, because dad was at home with her. He ran his errands on the weekends when I was home, so we traded off. I still find myself thinking that there's something I should be doing for mom, because of the free time that I have now.... so I started putting our treadmill to use a couple of weeks ago, walking in the morning every other day before work. Just a new routine that I need to adjust to.
I had to laugh about your Mom refusing the Depends . Mom often has loose stools so I am constantly washing her clothes, cleaning up messes in the bathroom . Well, I recently bought a pkg of Depends and explained to her how easier it would be for her to wear these. Well, her response was: Oh no I don't need those yet. I have no problem in that area. I kept putting them out for her in the bathroom nope she would not wear them. I even replaced them in her her underwear draw. Well, that didn't work she just didn't wear any underwear so forget that. She just won't wear them.
That is so good that you are now back in to taking care of you with the walking. I am a big walker/runner and I still try so hard to squeeze that in or going to the gym now that its is snowy here in Boston. I do find I am going less and less though . I am just to tired. Part of me still fights to keep it up. It is my out.
