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Old 02-08-2009, 11:07 PM   #1
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Paying to take care of parents

Sister 4 sent e-mail tonight. She wants to be paid compensation for a part time job she didn't accept because she "sits by the phone and waits for Mom's call". This job is a total of 73 hours, a few hour a day, a few days a week, for a few weeks tutoring after school. She did it last year and missed a day because she chose to take Mom and Dad to see Dad's sister who was ill and a second day for the same sister's funeral. One other day she was called but Sister 3 went to referee Mom and Dad instead.

We all know what the stock market has done in the last few months. The money that Mom and Dad have for their care is in the stock market. At one time there was more than enough for whatever care they needed.... now I am not so sure. If I open the can of worms to pay Sister 4, then do the other sisters not deserve the same compensation? Then how do you justify that when it comes to medicaid look back.

I have hard questions for Tuesday's meeting. The status quo is not working. If Mom and Dad need more care than this facility can provide then they need to be moved. We are already paying a sitter 9 hours a week and all she does is go sit. All the brainstorming ideas about socializing Mom have gone the way of the wind. She sits in the room with the sitter. Now my sister, who hired the sitter, wants to be paid to sit by the phone.......

love, deb

 
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Old 02-09-2009, 04:16 AM   #2
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Re: Paying to take care of parents

I don't think so.

It would be different if she had a job and missed a day to do some specific job for your parents. Nobody gets compensation for a job they didn't accept or for waiting by the phone. The latter is utterly ridiculous in this day of cell phones!

However, I do think that family members who do direct care such as staying with the patient at home, cleaning him/her up, doing laundry, feeding and making sure he/she gets meds could be paid out of the sick person's savings.

Maybe you can put her off with ''we are working on it?" There are many excuses not to go out to work ... but this one does not hold water. Nowadays we are lucky if we get an offer!

Love,

Martha

 
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Old 02-09-2009, 05:17 AM   #3
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Re: Paying to take care of parents

Sorry Sister #4 !!!!!!! I'm with Martha. I don't think so. Aparently she thinks Mom and Dad have plenty of money? Do you think this is directed more at you Deb or the fact she wants compensation? I'm trying to figure out where this is coming from. I don't know Sister #4 of course. But I've found that when money starts coming into the picture its because some caregivers are tired and resentful and want some compensation for what they think is an unfair situation. Could this be Sister? Now I guess you'll be the bad guy if you say no? Gezzzzz

My goodness what another mess she is stiring up. Good Luck my friend. Her reason is just ridiculous. Gram had plenty of money in the beginning of her illness. We never dreamed she could run out. But she did. Good thing no one of us took money for what we did or she wouldn't have had enough to last until the end. We had just done a reverse morgage on her home when she passed away a few days later.
I'll be thinking of you and hoping your visit goes well. Put on your sweet smile.
Get ready to block those punches my friend.
Love Chris

 
Old 02-09-2009, 08:27 AM   #4
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Re: Paying to take care of parents

Ditto! If she was actually giving care, that would be another matter. But being paid to sit by the phone? Is that what she's doing? Or is she watching TV, cleaning her house, reading, and all the other things that normal people do when they're at home? Does she stay off the phone so that there won't be a busy signal if "that call" does come? I doubt it. Didn't that part time job have a phone number where she could be reached in an emergency? I'm with the others. No one gets paid to be the emergency contact!

My two cents worth...
Emily

Last edited by BlueAtlas; 02-09-2009 at 08:29 AM.

 
Old 02-09-2009, 11:59 AM   #5
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Re: Paying to take care of parents

Tell her to get a cell phone or call forwarding. Shameless.
If she turned down a job it's becasue she WANTED to turn down a job.

By the way...how about compensastion for you for travel expenses and for whatever else you do or sisters # 2 & 3 do.

Tell her to give us a call. We want to talk to her!

Love, Meg

 
Old 02-09-2009, 12:06 PM   #6
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Re: Paying to take care of parents

Okay Deb,
here's the straight shoot -- tell Sister #4 that she's been out-numbered. She didn't ask for the job! -- in a way she did when she put Mom in a home that is 4 hours from you.

Tell her "no". the reason is, then whatever she is paid, she'll have to pay you when you take time from your life to run up there and replace her in times of need and she'll have to pay Sister #3 and #2 for their part when they need to jump in. And all of your compensation would be at a higher rate because you will put tolls and gas into the equation. Let us not forget if you have to stay over at a hotel or whatever!

I started to think your Sister #4 has a touch of a mental condition, this just clarifies that she does. My sister lived with my mother, shared groceries, utilities, etc with Mom and lived off Mom's social security plus whatever money we had in the checking acocunt that was part of the trust. I didn't give her anymore because she was doing this and I never interfered if she took cash out to go get her hair done or whatever and sometimes, I'd give her gift certificates for her birthday or christmas presents to do so.

It's all greed honey, G R E E D and the last letter can be changed to G R E E N. Which is what she wants.

Share your reconciliation with Sisters 3 and 2 before you tackle #4 because you will need them in your corner.

Ask her if she pays her plumber or electrician to have them sit by the phone and wait for her to have problems to call them? or her doctor. Does he sit by the phone and get paid in case she calls? What is she nuts? (don't answer that!)

CaringSister54 -- give me her email, I'll tell her for you!!!

 
Old 02-09-2009, 12:09 PM   #7
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Re: Paying to take care of parents

oooooo, she made me so mad -- your Sister #4 that is.

to all of us, I have to say


Just when we think we heard it all . . . some stupid, moron, idiot of a sister does this to one of our own!!!

ooooo, I just want to come out there and silly slap her.

Love to all!
Caring

 
Old 02-09-2009, 12:45 PM   #8
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Re: Paying to take care of parents

Dearest Deb,

I am sosrry to think that she has gotten so mercenary that she is willing to take money from her own mother just to answer the phone. I would have rather starved than take money from the care of my mother and father. Shame on her. "Honor your father and mother so that their days may be long on this earth....".. [I]Does she not remember her commandments? I cannot believe that she would pull this sort of stunt.

If she is determined that this is the way that she thinks she needs to go...Offer to buy her one of those phones that go by the call that are a cell phone. I am sure that you will be willing to pay for it yourself-as a gesture of generosity and knowledge of what your parents actually have in their accounts-then tell her that she will be reimbursed by how many calls she receives on the phone. That way she won't be out any money for the time wasted answering the calls and she can be out and about as it is a cell phone. This should take care of her having to "sit and wait to answer the phone", yet give her the flexibility she needs to have other jobs.

I was able to work and take care of my parents and live 1200 miles from them!And I never would have charged them for anything that I did for them, including all the flights that I took or the hotel rooms, or the rental cars....What is her warped thought pattern? HUH? Is this an excuse to AVOID working?
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Last edited by ibake&pray; 02-09-2009 at 12:46 PM.

 
Old 02-09-2009, 01:12 PM   #9
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Re: Paying to take care of parents

Quote:
Originally Posted by ibake&pray View Post
Is this an excuse to AVOID working?
[/I][/I][/I][/I]
Bingo!!!

 
Old 02-09-2009, 02:03 PM   #10
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Re: Paying to take care of parents

I was able to work full time while caring for Mom. We did pay a Home Health Aide for the last 9 months of those 5 years. Then my brother took her in, and then the NH after she broke her hip.

No one asked for any money for this care. We did it out of love.

Martha

 
Old 02-09-2009, 02:38 PM   #11
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Re: Paying to take care of parents

Quote:
Originally Posted by DGabriel10 View Post
Sister 4 with no kids was upset that her other sisters got more when in fact the four of us got the same and the four grand daughter's also got the same in a lesser amount.
Deb...you posted this in your "What to do about selling the house" thread...

Believe me Deb...we're here for ya...and I sure agree with the others this is a pretty strange request...but do you think she feels cheated because you're including the grand daughters as equals to the actual 4 daughters?

This is the youngest daughter...all of us know from our own family structure how family placement plays a part of how we each look at things. Please know I'm not making excuses for her behavior...which often seems self-destructing...but, for some reason the two of you think SO DIFFERENTLY!

We'll be thinking of you tomorrow...sounds like you're planning on going, and I'm glad you've made that decision. Being there first-hand keeps you informed of exactly what is going on.........positive vibes, my friend!...Pam

 
Old 02-09-2009, 03:40 PM   #12
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Re: Paying to take care of parents

Got your voo-doo doll handy? Should we stick pins in it now? Or are you going to just ask her how much she thinks her parents life is worth? Sorry, that's a cheap shot, but that's all she deserves.....

Just smile, smile smile smile...makes her wonder what you're up to...especially after her asking to be PAID! Take it outta her hide....

 
Old 02-09-2009, 04:33 PM   #13
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Re: Paying to take care of parents

ooooo, I have a great idea. Suggest going out for lunch or dinner and leave your wallet at home! -- then she'd have to pay. She may bug you for reimbursement but I agree with others and block her email address.

only kidding.

You need a strong backbone to deal with this but you also need to clue in Sister #2 and #3 so they can see how warped she is and back you. It may backfire and they all start to see you with their hands held open.

Remember to sing "its a small world after all".

 
Old 02-09-2009, 04:40 PM   #14
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Re: Paying to take care of parents

I was having a senile moment and couldn't remember what I wanted to write.

Yes, its true Petal that sisters think differently. In the case of my mother being one of 10 and part of the 'first five' siblings. She always felt she got screwed by always getting the hand-me downs. her sisters were like, what house did she live in? With 10 kids we always got hand-me-downs from others on the street!. My mother always felt that she didn't have a great life, her sisters (only a few years older) always felt that there was laughter and love in their house.

In my case, I was the child that was physically and mentally abused -- let's not even talk about emotional abuse. When I talk about our childhood, my sister said "why didn't you tell me what was going on, I would've got Mommy to stop", I said "Sister -- what house were you living in? You were usually in the room and just walked away when she started her screaming fits".

Ifs funny how two people being in the same room can hear two different things. I wouldn't go with her to Mom's doctors because of that reason. I didn't even go next door (same roof, different door), to talk with them because sister and I in the same room is like a keg and a fuse!. It usually takes about 5 - 10 minutes for her and I to go at it. Usually me with the bigger, louder mouth.

But I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. While I try to be supported, I've gotten the feeling that she's like angry that I'm not more involved in what's going on now.

I just don't want to be involved and I also don't feel that I have a right to voice my opinion about anything because its always causing conflicts between us as I see the world pretty and pink, and she looks at it dark and gloomy. its always been that way and probably will be in the future too.

Love to all.
Caring

 
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