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Old 02-10-2009, 07:00 AM   #1
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Unhappy Feeling defeated

I know that we all have been there but I'm just plain exhausted. Moms health is declining of course. How can it not? Of course the dementia is getting worse. Is she getting worse because of her illnesses or is the "beast" getting a stronger hold on her? Is it both? At this point I really don't care. Mom is worse. Thats all I know. Her decline is making it necessary for me to be there almost everyday. Forget in and out in an hour. That can't happen now. She simply can't take care of herself anymore. I'm taking her to the Dr. again today. She may have a UTI or pneumonia. I suspect both. She is so sweet and clueless as to her condition.

She doesn't know anymore when her depends is dirty. God help me I try not to get upset at what I have to see and do but its so hard. I never wanted to be a nurse. But I am now. Keeping her clean and tending to her sore bottoms is wearing on my soul. I don't want to rant about Sisters...........so I won't. It would take too much of my energy and I need to save that for Mom and myself. My husband is helping with the things that he can. For that I am grateful. This is for my sisters

I think Mom should be in the hospital. So I'm packing her bag and taking it with us today. I have a feeling thats where she will be going..........another 12 hrs in the ER trying to find a good IV site. They will have to lose at least 5 before they realize that I know my Mom better than them. Until I have a fit and get a surgeon in for a central line. I know I'm worrying about things that haven't happened but experience has taught me to get ready for these problems. They will happen. They ALWAYS do. Then of course even after I tell them that Mom has dementia they will ask her questions that she answers WRONG. Then I have to correct her and she gets angry. Makes her feel stupid........Geeeez!!!! ANTICIPATION ............drives me up the wall.

I'll go to Moms at least 3 hrs before the apt. to get her ready from "head to toe" so to speak. Give her lunch and pray that she doesn't have an accident before we see the Dr. You know me, I worry too much. She can barely walk now. Or move with any speed other than very sloooow.

I know what needs to be done for Mom and me. I'm just tired and not sleeping very well. I've been looking and can't find a NH that I would feel comfortable putting her in. I"m still praying that the decision will be taken out of my hands. But in Gods time........not mine. She needs more than Assisted Living. I'm stuck and feeling DEFEATED.

Sorry, I just needed to put my feelings somewhere. I've needed to for awhile now. But when I started to type I just sat and stared at the screen. OK I did and now I'll get ready to go. Maybe today won't be as bad as I think? Thank you for listening to me rant and rave about things that are out of my control. I feel better and I don't think I'll be crying later.....I've got that taken care of already.

Love to all,
Chris

 
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Old 02-10-2009, 09:18 AM   #2
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Re: Feeling defeated

Chris,

Here's your towel. Hang on tight babe. You know that we are here for you. You are stressing too much. You do what you can do, remember that. Do and let God.. Just take a breath and take one thing at a time. Your Mom is failing, and that'e evident, but we can only take one step at a time. You are such a patient and kind daughter and it is so difficult to deal with on a daily basis. It is so hard not to lose your temper when you are wiping her for the umpteenth time when all you wanted to do was to be her daughter, not her mother. Is just isn't what we signed up to do in life and somehow we got caught in the middle.

You need to find a senior center for your Mom to visit. Or you need to have someone come in so you can get some relief. And as you have already decided, it's time for Mom to be somewhere where she will be watched over. She needs more care than you can provide with her at her home. She needs a NH. It's time for one. Time for someone to watch her depends-and that someone isn't you.

Keep looking for the home for her. God will help you. Ask for referrals. Push her doctor, push the nurse, refuse to take her home until the come up with a plan. You need help. Don't give up Chris, you'll find a way. Hang in there hon, it's a rough path, but you'll make it..we all do, we just get beaten up along the way..

 
Old 02-10-2009, 09:43 AM   #3
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Re: Feeling defeated

You are right. She needs to go to the hospital. And from there, right to a Nursing Home. One of the untold secrets of the trade is that NHs take people direct from hospitals even if others are on their waiting lists. Because the hospital simply tells them 'This person can NOT go home." Your Mom needs 24/7 care. Do not worry about the cost. My Mom had to go on Medicaid, had to spend down her life savngs. It all seemd very unimportant compared to having her safe, clean, dry, medicated, cared for, dressed, hair combed (and cut when needed) and her teeth brushed, and a bed with one side up so she would not fall out and further hurt her broken hip, etc.

You have done your best, now she needs full time care.

Go to the hospital and see what they say.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Love,

Martha

 
Old 02-10-2009, 11:10 AM   #4
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Re: Feeling defeated

Hi Chris,
I just read through your post and feel so badly for what you're going through. When I read the posts on here, it describes for me from other's words, what my mom and Uncle are going through, gives me a better understanding.
I hope and pray that you will be able to find good full time care for your mom. I think although you have to keep going for you and your mom, it's really necessary to have days where you just get plain "fed up" with dealing with all of it. We're not meant to go through this.....it just is plain unfair, but we do it.
Sending you hugs and prayers and also grabbing a corner of the towel along with everyone else to keep you going.
Love, Caroline xo

 
Old 02-10-2009, 01:57 PM   #5
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Re: Feeling defeated

Sigh......

We all know how you feel. Not many people can say that to us. We are on the front lines and sometimes our despair looms larger than our hope. Hope not for the quick cure but the simple hope of a good day with them.

I think it is beneficial to read posts such as yours ...knowing we have felt what you are feeling validates us all.

If we could just take one day at a time..try not to extend our worries past our nose. I know, easy to say, not easy to do.

Hang on, dear Chris.

Love, Meg

 
Old 02-10-2009, 02:58 PM   #6
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Re: Feeling defeated

Oh Chris......I'm just so sorry that any of us have to go thru this.

This forum is filled with people offering loving arms to wrap around you...it's the perfect place to unload your frustrations, feelings, and challenges...and I'm so glad you have done just that. We're here for you...

Ten years ago I was in your place...and I felt tears swell for the sadness and despair that comes across in your words. My own Mom...and both in-laws were placed ONLY because they were sent from hospital to facility...I honestly don't know how we could have done it otherwise. I so much admire those who are able, or choose to take care of their loved one at home...but such challenges!

Hope your day went as smooth as possible...such a loving daughter you are...and bless, bless, bless you for helping your Mom in this difficult transition........Pam

 
Old 02-10-2009, 07:12 PM   #7
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Re: Feeling defeated

Chris,
Most likely your Mom will get admitted today into the hospital. Once they get her medical condition the pneumonia or infection under control they will approach you with her discharge plan. Perhaps at that point is when you can discuss with them that she cannot go home she needs to go to rehab. Then once in rehab afte 21 days she can be placed into long term care. If you place her in a rehab that has the long term care floor then the transition won't be so difficult from reahb to LTC.

We are at that point with Mom now. She has so many medical conditions along with the dementia that she needs more care then dad and I are able to give her. She came home in Dec after being in the hospital/rehab for 2 months. Two weeks after her being home dad realized he made a mistake by having her come home. The dementia and medical conditons had slipped so far down that slope. Much more then he thought. So now we are so burned out from running our selves ragged with trying to take care of her. Him during the day and me at night and my days off from work. Yet it still isn't enough for her. She needs 24/7 care and now finally dad is realizing this!! Right now she is getting worse everyday with medical issues. The VNA called me yesterday at work with concerns about her SOB/CHF and high blood sugar. We called the PCP he thinks an infection is brewing put her on strong antibiotics. I think by the weeks end she may just be in the hospital. I have come to learn all the signs and recognize when somthing is just not right. Change of mental status is real bad too!
I know exactly how you are feeling Chris I certainly understand where you are with your Mom. It sounds like we are living the same exact life everyday.
It is not easy. Somedays I just barely make it to work with all that I have to do with her in the bathroom and cleaning up her messes she doesn't realize she has done.
I am thinking of you..
Love Pauline

 
Old 02-10-2009, 09:38 PM   #8
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Re: Feeling defeated

Chris,

You slipped up girlfriend when you wrote your post. You didn't say you couldn't find a quality place, you said you couldn't find a place that YOU liked. Well as much as you would like to be IN LOVE with a place, any place that she is safe, clean, secure, and watched is a nice place.

You will visit, spontaneously and without notice and you will be okay with that. They come in shifts and are always refreshed and alert, not drained from lack of sleep and the other commitment caring for someone requires.

So, take a deep breath, listen to all of us here. Sign your mother over to someone else and then hug your husband and remind him how lucky you are that he picked you to share his life with. Sometimes things like this do two things: 1) strengthen the family bond or 2) destroy whatever rements(sp?) are remaining in a marriage.

Love to you and yours. I pray that God gives you strength. You are not a bad daughter to do this and you aren't doing your mother a dis-service. You are allowing people who took courses in this, and are paid to do it, do their job.

Take Care
CaringSister54

 
Old 02-11-2009, 06:12 AM   #9
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Re: Feeling defeated

I brought Mom home with me late last night. We saw two Drs. and after hours at their offices they both agreed that they didn't want Mom admitted to the hospital. Something going through there that they don't want Mom exposed to. So we went for out-patient testing. Dr said he wanted the results today so we had to go last night. She was exhausted but she did well.

She doesn't have a UTI. Not sure if thats a good thing or not. It would have explained the decline in her abilities to function. They think its her heart, lungs, kidneys and liver. She had a large number of tests and x-rays. It was just easier to bring her home with me. It was so late. She's sleeping now. I'll wait for the Dr. to call today. I'm taking her back to Assisted Living later if the tests don't show that she needs to be in the hospital.

Sisters are not willing to admit that Mom needs a NH at this time. Thats all I have to say about that at this time.


Mom knows she is ill. She ask me twice not to put her in a NH that she will get better. I never mentioned a NH at all. I NEVER do. I wouldn't dream of saying that in front of her.

Thank you for your responses to my post. I just needed to vent my frustrations. I appreciate your caring and understanding words. They help get me through these hard times. I read my post and I sounded ready to BLOW. Sorry about that ladies. I'm better today.

Have to run.......Moms up.

Love to all,
Chris

 
Old 02-11-2009, 09:17 AM   #10
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Re: Feeling defeated

Hang in there Chris...

And Chris...don't listen to your sister unless they are willing to take care of your mother also. This isn't just YOU doing the work and they making the decisons. It doens't work that way. You can't be responsible for the work and not the decisions.

One of the ladies that used to post here was in your situation. She packed Mom up and dropped her off at her sisters after sister refused to put Mom in a NH or AL when Mom was past the point of being able to be cared for at home. She left Mom and her luggage with sister. It only took three days for her sister to decide that Mom needed more help than she could provide. I'm not saying that this is the route for you to take, but you don't need to listen to someone who refuses to help...

Hope that you hear from the doctors and that they have an answer for you as to what is ailing Mom, besides the dreaded disease. It will help you with deciding what to do...

Here's a clean stack of towels Chris....hang on tight.....

 
Old 02-11-2009, 08:24 PM   #11
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Re: Feeling defeated

Hang in there Chris. You are doing the best you can for your Mom and at some point you will make the necessary decision. I hope the doctor calls early and there is some new to validate what is going on with Mom. I nodded with IBake's suggestion. Mom actually did that with grandmother and her sister. It was just less than three days before her sister relented.

It is always difficult when the status quo is turned upside down and it takes time to adjust. It would be so much easier for all of you if Mom had more care than she can get in the AL. Your Mom would also be getting better care because he needs don't stop when nobody is there. You are doing more than you should have to do. Your best bet is to talk to the doctor, let him recommend the nursing home, and then tell sisters it is doctor's orders.

Sorry I haven't posted before but know I have been thinking of you and your Mom and have you both in my prayers.. I also have towels for you and there's a bottle of something cold in the fridge. Hang in there. This will resolve itself.

Love, deb

 
Old 02-12-2009, 05:14 AM   #12
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Re: Feeling defeated

I took Mom back to her Assisted Living apartment early last night. Dr. called and told me she has pneumonia in her right lower lung. Not bad yet. Her kidneys are slugish. Also her liver numbers are "off". She is taking antibiotics and she has a nebulizer machine for her breathing. He took her off the meds that are causing her liver to act up and her kidneys to slow down. Its a balancing act with the huge number of meds that Mom takes. I want to just stop them all. He said he understood my feelings but that it would kill her. I know that..............Do I sound terrible?

The RN was there and she had already received her orders from the Dr. Mom wanted to "go home". So I took her. He doesn't want her in the hospital at this time. He is worried about c-diff and MRSA that she could catch while she is there. We are to watch her and see how she does without the meds. Her breathing is better also her blood pressure. We hired a sitter for nights. Mom knows her, or knew her, not sure if she will today. We'll see.

I talked with him about a NH for Mom. He said lets wait and see if she can recover from this illness before we make a final decision. He told me he would admit Mom to the hospital and then we could make a decision on which NH we would want to put her in. Its just a matter of time I know. If Mom does not improve she will not be able to stay where she is now.

My head is spinning and I feel numb at this point. I'm just tired. After I can sleep I'll be better. Thank you, each and every one of you for all of your support. It means so much to me. Especially when I'm going off the "deep end".

Love to all, Chris

 
Old 02-12-2009, 05:14 AM   #13
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Re: Feeling defeated

Chris

My mother, sister and I lived under the same roof but two different living quarters. I work full time and with everything life handed me knew that I didn't have it in me to care for my Mom so shortly after losing my husband and after dealing with his health crisis' that popped up occasionally.

While I could see what the truth really was and tried to help sister realize it, it was really when she was ready and I know she was getting to the point but just wasn't in her heart ready to made the decision. I don't know if she wanted me to make it for her (she never asked) or what BUT after a very short time -- Mom health declined so rapidly and all it took is one fall.

Well I'm here to second, third, and forth agree with what others wrote. Until your sisters step up to the plate and pitch in with taking your mother off your hands or coming in a few hours each weekend to give you and your family time to do something, they have NO BUSINESS stopping you from what you need to do for you and your family.

If someone else has the POA, and everything then tell them, you have x number of hours to get here and take over, I'm done. Ask them this question for all of us okay --

Dear Sister:
If I wasn't here taking care of Mom and doing everything that I do and Mom got this sick, what would you do? How would you handle it. Pretend I'm not alive and here, and give me the straight answer and "I don't know" isn't an option.

See what they say.

I always give advice to my friends stuck in certain situations as enabling an adult child not to grow up or taking on responsibility for a dysfunctional sibling. "what would happen to them, if you weren't here"

It may surprise you.

 
Old 02-12-2009, 06:31 AM   #14
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Re: Feeling defeated

Hi Caring,

I've already ask the question of my sisters, "What would have happened to Mom is I weren't here"? Answer " I think Mom would have passed away long ago without you".

I have DPOA and Medical POA. Mom signed those papers years ago. I'm trying very hard to have some kind of relationship left with my sisters after Mom is gone. This disease is fracturing my family all to pieces. We have always been close. I love them. And I've seen familes that don't speak after this disease is done destroying their family. If I have to make a decision without them I will do that for Mom. Thats why she signed the papers. Sisters say that I'm too emotional......yep, thats me. Its who I am and I'm just like my Mom. They didn't want the responsibility...............well who does?

If Mom improves this time my husband and I are leaving for a trip. Don't know where, don't care. He said "lets pack a bag and just drive south". Sounds good to me. One thing I do every day is to tell him "Thank you for helping me" and I love you. "No problem. I love your Mom too. You would and did help me when Dad had cancer". He's a keeper. Believe me he didn't come that way. It took me years to mold that man!!! Just kidding. He is pretty great. We did grow up together thats for sure.

Thank you for caring,
Chris

I meant to tell you how much I hope that your Moms suffering is over soon. I think of you all every day. Love, Chris

Last edited by DrewsG; 02-12-2009 at 06:41 AM.

 
Old 02-12-2009, 06:43 AM   #15
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Re: Feeling defeated

Dear Chris....
Hugs to you also today.......
In no way do you sound "terrible"......if you do, then so do I, right? I think all of us get to the point, where we just want this to be "over", for our loved ones as much as ourselves. It's so very hard to deal with, to watch, and to live through, and I think we all reach a point where we are so tired.
I will say a prayer also for you and your mom. I'm so happy to hear you have such wonderful support from your husband, that really makes a difference Chris. And if you guys are able to take that trip, just get in the car and "drive".....you so deserve a break!!!!

Love, Caroline xo

 
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