Dad will start his transition to the Reminisent Center (locked unit) tomorrow morning. Mom was included in the last half of the meeting. She came in the room in tears because she thought we were talking about her, then she dissolved into more tears when she figured out what was happening. She said "NO!!!". She would just take Dad and move back home. She never did give her blessing but either resolved that she couldn't stop it or tuned it out. We will know which in the morning. Dad was actually better the last couple of days while I was there but the fact that the stairs are directly across from their room, and he consistently goes down the stairs in his wobbly state is enough to need to move him. We will see how it goes. It was a hard decision to make, difficult on Mom, will be difficult on Dad, but I think it was the right one.
Dearest Deb....
Praying hard for this transition for your mom and dad.....it will be hard for them, hard for all of you......I so wish you did not have to deal with yet another hurdle.
What are we going to do with these Sisters huh??? It's hard to imagine how their minds work...but maybe we're better off not knowing some days.
Please keep us posted how mom and dad are doing....
Love, Caroline xo
Kinda breaks your heart some doesn't it? It will ache so bad because you are going to have to keep up the happy face for both of your parents in the next few days. Only when you are alone will you be able to drop the smile and let your guard down and weep for the injustice of it all. I am soo sorry for you and your dad. But I know that it is for his own safety and good, and that is better for him.
I wonder how your Mom will do without him. Do you think that she will cope or do you think that she will slip down the hill faster now that he won't be there with her? I hope that she can stay stable and get out of the room and socialize with the other ladies in the area....
My prayers are with your folks. Now keep your chin up and know that I am here to keep your chin up. I'll ball up my fist so you can rest your chin on it. Keep your smile firmly in place, tough as it may be. Then you can weep after hours. I've done the laundry and there's a whole stack of clean towels...both red and purple for you.....
BTW, how much did #4 charge for the meeting?
Last edited by ibake&pray; 02-11-2009 at 09:09 AM.
Just a quick update. Dad went into Reminiscent this morning and Mom went down to visit. The next event was Mom trying to take Dad out of the building to go home. When they were told that wouldn't happen Dad got angry and threatened violence. Mom got angry and then melted into tears. Then Dad got more angry because they upset Mom. At this point they both have steeled resolve that they are NOT sleeping in separate beds. The facility social worker is now trying to convince either/both of them or anything beyond the hostility they are both feeling and it's not working. Beyond that Dad's noticed the wander bracelet because somebody ask about it when they was escaping. He is determined to cut it off and throw it in the creek. This is NOT going well at all.
Aww Deb....
I have to say my heart breaks for your parents. I assume in their condition, it is best for them, but in their hearts, it is completely wrong. No matter what their mental state, they want to stay together, it's beautiful and sad all at the same time, and must be really hard for you to witness. It is so hard to lose a spouse at any time, and they must feel like they're "losing" each other. No matter what, it sounds like they still "need" each other very much and being together sounds like what's gotten them this far. What a tough situation you are in here Deb....I'm so sorry. God bless them.....I wish this didnt have to be so hard for them or for you.
They will both calm down. They will both not only accept the new situation but forget it was not always this way. I recommend that your Mom not visit Dad for a week or two. (If that can be regulated.) Hang in there. Do not make any decisons based on how badly it is going. Give it a week, two, or a month. Nothing is solved overnight.
Love,
Martha
Last edited by Martha H; 02-11-2009 at 12:47 PM.
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I'm so sorry. I had a feeling they were not going to do this without a fight. Nothing is ever easy is it? Talk about a heartbreak. Meg said it best...this disease finds news ways to torment us every day.
Just know I'm thinking of you and your parents. (((( Big Hugs))))
ibake made me laugh too. I needed that today. She"s always coming up with good ones isn't she?
Love Chris
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I know how hard it was for Daddy to have Momma in the locked unit-and he understood! They were separated for three years and it was the hardest thing in the world for him. He said the best time was the last three weeks before he died when Mom moved into the same room with him. He said he "got his wife back!" He was sooo happy. What do you expect from a couple that have been married for 64.5 years and are happy?
You can't expect them to be overjoyed about not having the love of your life in a different bed. It doesn't come easily and they will never accept it with joy or even with anything akin to acceptance. They willl tolerate it-maybe at best.
My heart aches for them.
Last edited by ibake&pray; 02-11-2009 at 02:14 PM.
The following user gives a hug of support to ibake&pray: luyingjie (01-24-2012)
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Thank you all. This has been harder than moving them into AL. At least I knew they would be together. Dad, before he even knew what was going to happen, said he was only happy when his wife was with him. That tore my heart apart even before the move today. I am back home and the information I got early afternoon was because I called. A good friend's 39 year old brother died suddenly and I felt the need to be here as well. Not to mention I had a dental appointment this afternoon. Evidently Sister 4 is punishing me for not agreeing to pay for the job she didn't take. She has not sent out any updates since I was there..... but she has been on one of the web posting services talking about a basketball game she watched, so I know she had the time. Sister 2 is headed there Friday so at least I will know something after that. I truly don't know which is worse, dealing with my parents or sister 4!
Thank you all for your support, kind words, advice, and just being here. It means a lot to me knowing you are here....
Love, deb
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Hi deb,
Glad you made it back home safe and sound. Sorry about your friends brother. Wow 39, thats so young. Your a good friend.
It shouldn't suprise anyone that Sister #4 is still being her sweet self. I was hoping for your sake that she might realize that getting paid was just "stupid"...........guess not?
I find myself thinking about your parents so much and hoping that things will work out for them. We've been married for 43 years and I know how I would fight to keep my husband near me. I know its best for them both. Most definately Dad. Its going to take some time deb. I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know am I?
Just know that I'm thinking of you and your parents.
Love and hugs, Chris
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Dearest Deb,
I am sorry also to hear about your friends brother.....we never know what's around the corner do we?
Like Chris, I feel so much for your parents also being split up.....I hope and pray this transition will work out, although I cannot imagine it being anything but hard.
Sister 4....really not sure what to make of her. I think some people just think everything revolves around them. She truly has no idea what it's like to be alone in caring for your parents. The love and care you all put in together is wonderful......she is lucky you are "all" doing what you can. It is hard enough when there are a bunch of siblings but worse when only two or three of them are left with the burden.
In my family, my grandma had 10 children. 2 sons passed away since 2002, which is what I believe triggered grandma's dementia. Two daughters live very long distance and are themselves almost 80 years old.....so can not really be expected to do much. For the rest, two daughters, are completely hands off, dont even "ask" how grandma is doing. One daughter shows up now once or twice a week for a couple of hours, just enough to ease her conscience. So grandma is being cared for my Uncle, who lives with her, and Uncle #2 who all his life has been a recluse, but despite that, will still come and stay with Grandma. He doesnt do as much as Uncle #1, but he does what he can, and that's all that matters, because in such an awful illness, every single bit of help, whether it's physical or emotional helps, it truly does. And that leaves my mom, who travels from 3000 miles, when she can, and supports by phone every single day of her life.
From what I've experienced in my life, and from the stories I've read here, as awful as this illness is, it gets to the point where you have to hold up your hands and there's not much that can be done for your loved ones. Really and truly in my opinion, siblings and family still have the only remaining power to either support each other or make an already tough situation even harder. Sister 4 seems to be that person for you, just like my aunts are for my mom and Uncle. Keep going as you do Deb, knowing that at the end of all of this, that you can only look back at "your" part, and you can only measure your "own" efforts......and you will have no regrets dear friend. I'm glad you will get some information from Sister 2......I think it's cruel of Sister 4 to keep you out of the loop....that's manipulative as she knows you're not 5 minutes away. Aggh...what will we do with these siblings eh????
Hang in there,
Love, Caroline xo
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I probably should apologize for my wordiness on the board today but I had to keep my mind busy. I could keep my hands busy with work here but my mind would not shut up. So I wrote.
I finally got Mom on the phone a few minutes ago. She sounded tired and was very quiet. She gave short answers to questions but didn't initiate conversation. She did say that Dad got up and dressed and they had both been to lunch They came back to the room and Dad was sleeping in his chair. When I ask if she had been out of the room before lunch she said yes, she had been for a walk before Dad got up. That would explain nobody answering the phone. She even laughed tentitively to a few things that were said. I did notice the TV was on. She is having more difficulty carrying on a conversation when there is outside input such as the TV or people talking so that partially explains her quietness. Most I think she was just tired from yesterday's fiasco.
So I can only assume that they have at least temporarily DCed the move. Dad has been sleeping the last few night and did when I was there. No, Sister 4 has not informed anybody of anything that is going on yet. But I do feel better having talked to Mom I know it's not over but at least I can breath for a moment...
Thank you all.... you mean the world to me and are my sanity. I'm off to talk to Sister 2 as she drives from a conference back to school so she can rush through her work, have one night at home to catch up, and then drive to visit Mom and Dad tomorrow and Saturday. This is the sister that does less than me according to Sister 3 and 4.
Love, Deb
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What wordiness on the board? I didn't see any. I'm interested in your wordiness anyway. So type away. Glad they have stopped the move... I guess. I suppose "glad" isn't the word I should use. I wish things could have gone smoothly. But thats a dream.........and we live in the REAL world. Don't we? No, I'm sure its not over but Dad has a reprieve for the time being. Bless his heart.
No comment as far as sister #4 is concerned. What is there left to say about that sister? What a pain in the wazooooo!!!
Thinking of you and Mom and Dad.
Love and hugs deb, Chris
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My heart aches for your Mom and Dad. She must be so torn. She is so fearful that she losing her love and she knows that it will happen. How dreadful for her. It must be so exhausing for her. Your dad is sleeping it off and doesn't know why.
I ache for you too my dear. And my heart is heavy. It is so hard to watch this happen to your parents. It near tore me apart when it happened to mom and dad. DAddy was so sad and Momma kept asking why she couldn't leave with us. What had she done wrong that we left her there. It is so hard and so sad.
My arms are around your dear sister. I will hold you safe and sound and you can cry on me for as long as you can cry. I'll just keep handing you towels....faith my dear. Remember it moves mountains.
I have nothing to say about 4.
The following user gives a hug of support to ibake&pray: luyingjie (01-24-2012)
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So glad to hear you are getting a little "breather" today....as am I. We never know what the day brings do we?
Uh oh, Sister 4 has rendered Ibake "speechless"! But I'm right there with her......just let her be her lovely self and fluff it off for your own good!!!
Love, Caroline xo
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Still nothing from sister 4 but a note on the internet message sight that Mom and Dad went to the Valentine Dance this afternoon. I have no clue if this was a one day respit from the attempt to move him or if they are giving up for the time being. Sister 2 will find out tomorrow. She did write e-mail yesterday and ask for information since she was going tomorrow and so far nothing from sisters 3 or 4.
I had to laugh. About midnight my phone rang. It was sister 2. She is always in bed by 10 PM so I paniced just a bit until I heard her ""ACK"" and then a chuckle on the other end of the phone. Evidently Dad was sound asleep but Mom is on a tear to go home. She had the night caregiver (We love this particular caregiver) to called Sister 2 because Mom and Dad's van is at her house. Then Mom got on the phone and told Sister 2 to bring the van when she came tomorrow. Sister 2 said she was coming by herself so there was nobody to drive the van. Mom said that was just an excuse because Sister 2 had friends that could drive it. When Sister 2 told Mom it was not safe for her to take Dad home alone she told her it was none of her business. Mom said Dad had been talking all day (he had not) about going home and she wanted to go home too (which is the truth).... so they were leaving that place tomorrow. Sister 2 talked to Mom for a while and then ask to speak to the caregiver again. She ask the caregiver if Mom had taken a sleeping pill yet. The caregiver said she didn't think so. Sister 2 told her to give her one..... or three! I wonder if Mom will even remember it in the morning? If so Siste 2 will be in for a long night tomorrow night when she shows up without the van!!
It's been a LONG day....
Love, deb
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It's hard to imagine how their minds work...but maybe we're better off not knowing some days.
I was hoping for your sake that she might realize that getting paid was just "stupid"...........guess not?
