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Old 02-19-2009, 06:54 AM   #1
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Family butting in with treatment

It is CAJ again and I just needed a place to vent. I am my Mom's power of Attorney and I have three sisters and only one helps with my Mother's care and that is only after I lay a guilt trip on her.

This past weekend I found out that my Mother has been talking to each sister and telling them that she wants out of the nh and my three sisters tell her she does not belong in a nh. They have asked my Mom why she does not just come and live with them. Well Mom's response to my three sister is, that she would love to live with them, but that I am power of attorney and I will not let her live with them.

Where was all three of them when I had her living in my home and no one could help me then. Now all the sudden they know more than me and the Doctors.

Well thanks to me finding this board (which is a God send) I decided not to let my sisters make me look like the bad girl. I talked to my Mom and told her that I was willing to let her live with any of my sisters as long as they could take her for one week and handle all her needs, then I would let her move in with them. My Mother said thank you, I love you so much. Well not one sister, so far, has stepped up to the plate to take Mom for a week. I am sick of them making me out to be the bad guy.

I also am dealing with the fact that all three sisters are drug and alchol users. So here is a question I want to ask my sisters. I want to tell them I am going to interview some people to take care of Mom and get her out of the nh. I will let them chose out of the final three care givers.

The first caregiver is single, 48 year old, crack addict and Alcoholic.

The second caregiver is married, 40 years old and a Mother of three and is a cocaine addict.

Then we have the final caregiver who is a single, 36 year old Mother of a 16 year old and is a crack addict and an alcholic. I am her 16 year olds's payee, because she cannot take care of her own daughter.

Wonder who they will pick? Who they would want me to pick. My pick is none of them, for the best interest of my Mother. But I have just described my other sisters to you. Would you let your Mom with alzheimer live with any of these people.

I am really tired of people who can not even take care of their own addiction, and/or family telling me what I should do. I believe my Mom is right where she needs to be. It is hard to have your family talking about you behind your back, because they think I am not taking care of my Mom the way they see fit. I want to throw in the towel, sit in a corner, and just cry for a year, or commit myself, just for some peace and quit.

I need away from all of this. I would give up power of attorney, but I feel Mom did that in her right state of mind, because she knew I would always look out for her best interest.

I am a person who needs to have family around her, it is part of my serenity and now that has all been taken away from me, because my Mother ask me to be her power of attorney and I have to make the hard decisions.

I know I keep going on and on, but I am just so tired and need the great input from you wonderful people here. I know through Christ I can get through anything, but real tired of getting no support, and very angry that one daughter is left to make the decisions of four daughters. I will sign off now, thanks for letting me vent.

God Bless you and yours!

 
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Old 02-19-2009, 08:44 AM   #2
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Re: Family budding in with treatment

Bless you CAJ!

ISn't funny that your sisters are so quick to talk and so fast to run away when you call them out? You are doing the right thing for your mother, don't ever doubt it. You know it, they know it-they really do-they just won't admit it..and your mother knows it also. That's why she put you in charge.

What you could do is have all three of your sister over for dinner or just a family get together as a fun time. Then just bring out the calendar and say, I understand that you have been talking to Mom on the phone and that you have all volunteered to have Mom come and stay with you. Here's the calendar. What week are you going to have her come and stay with you. Sign up or shut up.There will be no monetary compensation for this. If you aren't going to take Mom for a week, I suggest that you quit encouraging her to try and leave the nursing home. She is where she needs to be. She is getting the type and quality of care that you cannot provide for her. She has round the clock nursing supervision hands on staff. Three balanced meals and snacks every day. Organized activites. Clean clothes, she is bathed and her hair is taken care of as are her toe nails and fingernails. Unless you can prove to me that you can also do this, stuff it.

That should take care of that problem from your sisters. And I know that you can do this. But do it to all of them at the same time so that you will only have to do it once and so that they all hear the same thing at the same time. And then you will be done with it. You are a strong woman and you need to do it for your own peace of mind and for the safety of your mother...and besides that you know they won't volunteer to take her. They only want to make her feel that she's more special to them and that they can do this better. It's always the same...

Grab hold of the towel..we'll keep the other end tight and won't let go...you are doing the best you can for your mom and that is the most important thing in the world.....

 
Old 02-19-2009, 09:46 AM   #3
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Re: Family budding in with treatment

I second the motion! Let them have her for 1 week each, or maybe a month. Don't cancel her NH room though - because after a few days they will be bringing her back there in a great hurry.

The best advice for Buttinskis as my Mom used to call them is "Ok you go ahead and do it your way from now on." They disappear in seconds.

Love,

Martha

 
Old 02-19-2009, 04:17 PM   #4
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Re: Family budding in with treatment

I vote for the family sit down with the calendar! But then I'd also have a document that says if anyone talks with your mother in a negative way again to get her to leave the NH they forfeit any rights to any inheritance there may or may not be at the end of her life!

they want her because they think with her is the money for her.

Simple logic on the mind of drug addicts

CaringSister54

 
Old 02-19-2009, 08:18 PM   #5
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Re: Family budding in with treatment

CAJ...I sure agree...there's a reason your Mom put YOU in charge of her care!

You have come to the right place for the assurance you need in choices you've already made for your Mother's care. I think each of us can admit to having doubts about what we KNOW we have to do...but those of us who know exactly what is ahead for our loved ones want to be here to give gentle guidance.

You've already made some tough decisions...and there'll be many more, but it sounds like the sisters are not equipped to make the hard and serious decisions for now....and certainly for what it yet to come with this disease.

You are stronger than you think CAJ...and your Mom knew this. We're here to listen any time. Sending positive vibes your way.......Pam

 
Old 02-19-2009, 10:31 PM   #6
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Re: Family budding in with treatment

I'm on board with everyone else. You know you have done the right thing. You and the doctor's made an informed decision on where you mom needed to be and you made the hard decision to go forward. It is your that has done the work. Your Mom knew what she was doing when she gave you the power of attorney. Stand your ground and leave your Mom right where she is.

No, your sisters are not going to take your Mom for a week. They are not going to take her for a day. They just want to put salve on their own guilt by undermining you. People like that can't stand on their own so they try to know others down to their level. I would absolutely tell them to put up or shut up. They will back down. If they continue to aggitate Mom then restrict their calls to her. It is unfair to your Mom to be torn in this way.

But you keep your head up and never doubt that you are doing exactly what needs to be done for your Mom no matter what they say. It's difficult to ignore the stings of others, especially those that are suppose to be supportive, but sometimes that is just what you have to do. Know you are right!!! You know what they are and what they are doing is wrong. Stand up and tell them to stop if they want to continue contact with your Mom.

And don't give up the bed!!!

Love, Deb

 
Old 02-20-2009, 02:22 AM   #7
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Re: Family budding in with treatment

Listen to Deb,

She's certainly been on the running track when it comes to sibling insensitivity.

She knowst thou which she speak-ith.

You came to the right place, We'll give you the arms to comfort you, the shoulders to cry on, the ears to listen but we also have feet to give you the swift kick in the backside when someone needs it the most.

Most of us have walked a few steps ahead of where you are. Some like Martha and I are already across the finish line and the last few feet aren't pleasant.

You just have to stay strong, never waiver in knowledge that your mother is better off from your decisions -- and there's many more to come.

If you bring your sisters into the situation by asking their opinions or telling them what's going on, then they feel they have a right. Stop doing that!, come to either us or one of your close friends or other relatives to talk to.

Just know that if they starte this ***LJLJLJ(&*%*% already, you are in for the time of your life as it gets worse. You will have every right to distance yourself from them emotionally as it won't be healthy for either you or your mother.

I usually don't advocate actual separating from family but its clear they are all in their own world and can't be responsible adults now.

Love
your caringSister54

 
Old 02-20-2009, 04:28 AM   #8
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Re: Family budding in with treatment

Thank you, you are all so caring and loving and although I am sad we have to walk this journey together, I am glad I found all of you. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy and then I write on this board and all of your love comes through and I realize it is not me with the problems, it is my Sisters. I will stick by my Mother through it all and she knows that and that is all that matters to me. It is so nice to hear from others who know exactly what you are going through. I will keep my chin up and I wish the good Lord could seperate me from my Sisters's emotional baggage, because it pulls me down daily. I guess it will be in his time and not mine. I just try to help anyone that needs my help, and getting real tired, so I know in order to take care of my Mother I am going to have to let them go. Caringsister and Martha I am sorry about your loss, but thank you for continuing with this board to help those of us that have just begun the journey.

Love Julie/CAJ

 
Old 02-20-2009, 10:47 AM   #9
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Re: Family budding in with treatment

Dear Julie,

I'm coming in late on this thread but I want you to know that your not alone. Your situation sounds just awful. I'm so sorry. Just know that your Mom was right in picking you to care for her. You are the one she can count on no matter what the problem. I feel for you Julie. We have addicts, two family members, that we deal with and they make our life so much harder. I have no time for them. They have had so many chances and cost us so much worry and pain. No more. Mom is our focus.

Keep your head up and do what you have to do for your Mom. Tell them all to "back off" or you'll stop them from seeing Mom. But if you make the threat........carry it through. They don't understand anything else. But I"m sure you know that already. I'll be thinking of you and hoping things get better. You have very understanding people here. We care about you and your problems with your Mom. She is lucky to have you.

Love, Chris

 
Old 02-20-2009, 06:38 PM   #10
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Re: Family budding in with treatment

No, you are not alone with your problems Julie!! We are all here with you. Wrapping you up in our towels and holding you tight.

You are doing what you should and what you must for your Mom. Your sister's problems belong to them. They have to carry them and you need to let them go because you have enough on your plate. Don't let their baggage pull you down. My new pat answer is "I am sorry you feel that way." Notice I didn't say anything about being sorry for anything that I did or said or felt. I am sorry that they can not do better but perhaps they are doing the best they can. I am sorry they feel the way they do about me but I can't change how they think. A very special friend of Mom's who is a psychologist always told me. You can only carry what belongs to you. Don't pick up the baggage of others. They make their own decisions and choices that you have no control over so why would you want to take responsibility for something you don't control. Take responsibilities for yourself, your choices, and your decisions. Let others do the same. That way you will not be burdened with baggage that is not yours. Every time one of your sisters takes a hit they make a choice. They chose the drug over your and their Mom. Remember that!! As much as you love them you can not fix them... they have to have the courage to fix themselves. In the meant time... you have more than you can do to take care of yourself and THEIR mom!! Yep, you are already doing your part for them... that is enough.

So if you have to separate yourself, and your Mom, from them while you care for your Mom, then so be it. Nothing wrong with telling them that when they are clean, sober, and rational they can return. Then stick to your decision.

You are truly doing an amazing job with all the chaos and distractions being thrown your way. You can continue and will for your sake and the sake of your Mom. You are who she has...

Love, deb

 
Old 02-21-2009, 04:20 PM   #11
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Re: Family budding in with treatment

Dear Julie,
Welcome to the board, and so sorry you need to be here.....but there is no better place to be for friendship and support. This board is our own little pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!!!

Through everyone's posts, I'm seeing a very distinctive pattern here of siblings and family who just plain make a bad situation worse. My family is the same Julie, and as the other ladies said, we advised my Uncle (who is grandma's sole caregiver), to call their bluff and drive to their homes, and say "Okay, here you go, her bag is packed, she's all yours!" Uh oh!!! All of a sudden, Aunt had the "flu", and there was no "heat on in her house"....and I just cant recall the other excuses. It's all talk, and as someone said, is solely to ease their guilt.

I am an only child, and always grew up longing for a brother or sister I never got. My Uncle is one of "10" children. 2 have passed away, and the one that helps him emotionally is my mom, but we lived an ocean away, and she does what she can, she just got back from a trip there again last week. The funny thing is I always thought you'd never have to deal with anything alone if you had siblings, but that is so untrue. Blood at the end of the day, doesnt mean anything, unless it's pumping through the heart of someone that truly loves their family member. If not, those people can become a torment......so stick to your guns, and do what you have to for yourself and your mom, and as everyone says, come here every time you need to......there is always someone here.......

Love, Caroline xo

 
Old 02-24-2009, 10:48 AM   #12
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Re: Family butting in with treatment

Wow, you sure knew how to handle them and good for you? Maybe now they will be quiet and appreciate what you have done for your mom. The last thing you need right now is their opinions or to be put on a guilt trip so that should shut them up once and for all.

 
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