Family butting in with treatment - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

CAJ0818 · 02-19-2009, 07:54 AM

It is CAJ again and I just needed a place to vent. I am my Mom's power of Attorney and I have three sisters and only one helps with my Mother's care and that is only after I lay a guilt trip on her.

This past weekend I found out that my Mother has been talking to each sister and telling them that she wants out of the nh and my three sisters tell her she does not belong in a nh. They have asked my Mom why she does not just come and live with them. Well Mom's response to my three sister is, that she would love to live with them, but that I am power of attorney and I will not let her live with them.

Where was all three of them when I had her living in my home and no one could help me then. Now all the sudden they know more than me and the Doctors.

Well thanks to me finding this board (which is a God send) I decided not to let my sisters make me look like the bad girl. I talked to my Mom and told her that I was willing to let her live with any of my sisters as long as they could take her for one week and handle all her needs, then I would let her move in with them. My Mother said thank you, I love you so much. Well not one sister, so far, has stepped up to the plate to take Mom for a week. I am sick of them making me out to be the bad guy.

I also am dealing with the fact that all three sisters are drug and alchol users. So here is a question I want to ask my sisters. I want to tell them I am going to interview some people to take care of Mom and get her out of the nh. I will let them chose out of the final three care givers.

The first caregiver is single, 48 year old, crack addict and Alcoholic.

The second caregiver is married, 40 years old and a Mother of three and is a cocaine addict.

Then we have the final caregiver who is a single, 36 year old Mother of a 16 year old and is a crack addict and an alcholic. I am her 16 year olds's payee, because she cannot take care of her own daughter.

Wonder who they will pick? Who they would want me to pick. My pick is none of them, for the best interest of my Mother. But I have just described my other sisters to you. Would you let your Mom with alzheimer live with any of these people.

I am really tired of people who can not even take care of their own addiction, and/or family telling me what I should do. I believe my Mom is right where she needs to be. It is hard to have your family talking about you behind your back, because they think I am not taking care of my Mom the way they see fit. I want to throw in the towel, sit in a corner, and just cry for a year, or commit myself, just for some peace and quit.

I need away from all of this. I would give up power of attorney, but I feel Mom did that in her right state of mind, because she knew I would always look out for her best interest.

I am a person who needs to have family around her, it is part of my serenity and now that has all been taken away from me, because my Mother ask me to be her power of attorney and I have to make the hard decisions.

I know I keep going on and on, but I am just so tired and need the great input from you wonderful people here. I know through Christ I can get through anything, but real tired of getting no support, and very angry that one daughter is left to make the decisions of four daughters. I will sign off now, thanks for letting me vent.

God Bless you and yours!

ibake&pray · 02-19-2009, 09:44 AM

Bless you CAJ!

ISn't funny that your sisters are so quick to talk and so fast to run away when you call them out? You are doing the right thing for your mother, don't ever doubt it. You know it, they know it-they really do-they just won't admit it..and your mother knows it also. That's why she put you in charge.

What you could do is have all three of your sister over for dinner or just a family get together as a fun time. Then just bring out the calendar and say, I understand that you have been talking to Mom on the phone and that you have all volunteered to have Mom come and stay with you. Here's the calendar. What week are you going to have her come and stay with you. Sign up or shut up.There will be no monetary compensation for this. If you aren't going to take Mom for a week, I suggest that you quit encouraging her to try and leave the nursing home. She is where she needs to be. She is getting the type and quality of care that you cannot provide for her. She has round the clock nursing supervision hands on staff. Three balanced meals and snacks every day. Organized activites. Clean clothes, she is bathed and her hair is taken care of as are her toe nails and fingernails. Unless you can prove to me that you can also do this, stuff it.

That should take care of that problem from your sisters. And I know that you can do this. But do it to all of them at the same time so that you will only have to do it once and so that they all hear the same thing at the same time. And then you will be done with it. You are a strong woman and you need to do it for your own peace of mind and for the safety of your mother...and besides that you know they won't volunteer to take her. They only want to make her feel that she's more special to them and that they can do this better. It's always the same...

Grab hold of the towel..we'll keep the other end tight and won't let go...you are doing the best you can for your mom and that is the most important thing in the world.....

Martha H · 02-19-2009, 10:46 AM

I second the motion! Let them have her for 1 week each, or maybe a month. Don't cancel her NH room though - because after a few days they will be bringing her back there in a great hurry.

The best advice for Buttinskis as my Mom used to call them is "Ok you go ahead and do it your way from now on." They disappear in seconds.

Love,

Martha

caringsister54 · 02-19-2009, 05:17 PM

I vote for the family sit down with the calendar! But then I'd also have a document that says if anyone talks with your mother in a negative way again to get her to leave the NH they forfeit any rights to any inheritance there may or may not be at the end of her life!

they want her because they think with her is the money for her.

Simple logic on the mind of drug addicts

CaringSister54

petal*pusher · 02-19-2009, 09:18 PM

CAJ...I sure agree...there's a reason your Mom put YOU in charge of her care!

You have come to the right place for the assurance you need in choices you've already made for your Mother's care. I think each of us can admit to having doubts about what we KNOW we have to do...but those of us who know exactly what is ahead for our loved ones want to be here to give gentle guidance.

You've already made some tough decisions...and there'll be many more, but it sounds like the sisters are not equipped to make the hard and serious decisions for now....and certainly for what it yet to come with this disease.

You are stronger than you think CAJ...and your Mom knew this. We're here to listen any time. Sending positive vibes your way.......Pam