Another terrible sad story - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

Martha H · 02-20-2009, 12:47 PM

I just heard from a dear old friend in Germany. Our children went to nursery school together long ago. Recently she has been taking care of her father at home, who has Alzheimer's Disease. She has a bad back. The inevitable happened, she was trying to get him up out of bed to shower and dress him (he is fully incontinent, 90 years old, and resists being washed) when they both fell. She called emergency and they came and took him to the hospital.

He was OK, just bruised. BUT they also found a fungus infection on the skin of his buttocks, found him undernourished, and decided he could not go back to his daughter's care. They declared her incompetent to be his caregiver, and sent him to a nursing home. Not the one in her town which is within walking distance but in another town.

I have been trying to get her to put him in a NH for the past 2 years, but especially when I stopped in to see her last May and found the whole house stank because he was peeing or defecating all over the house and she could not keep up with the work. But it took a fall and emergency services coming into the house to get him there.

Now she is trying to get her life back together again, having been his caregiver for years. Not able to leave the house, not able to have friends over, etc. Her 2 sons live in a big city quite far away and hardly ever come to see her, never mind help her.

She herself has a very bad back and will need surgery, and lifting him and physically fighting with him to get him into the shower did not help that.

I thought of the brave people on this Board who are also trying to keep their loved one at home thinking it is the best thing ... in my friend's case it was not. Neither for him nor for her. She had no idea he had this fungus infection ... now on top of everything else she feels gulty.

Hope this story helps someone out there needing to make a hard decision.

love,

Martha

debbie g · 02-20-2009, 03:23 PM

that is a very sad story. it did help me with thinking i still want to take my mother out of the nm and let her go back and live with my dad. i cant help feeling like that, but i know its not possible. i am very sorry to hear about your friend.

caringsister54 · 02-20-2009, 03:44 PM

You know it won't be the best thing to do. it'll cause all sorts of stress and after what I went through with my mother, no amount of money will help someone who needs 24/7 care in their home.

it's best to do it the way you are doing it Deb. We all know its hard for some, for me it was a no brainer. The person in it can't see how bad it is and doesn't want input from those on the outside.

You did right putting them in the NH. Your sister's wouldn't rotate support so it would be a vicious battle.

We feel for you but don't waiver.

Your CaringSister54

Gabriel · 02-20-2009, 08:02 PM

Sad but so often true Martha. It takes a crisis to drag us out of our comfort zone, even if that comfort zone is not so comfortable. The familiar is always better than the unknown.

Diane you are so right. When you are in the middle of the storm you can't seen the severity of it. It takes the outsiders to see the chaos that is raining down. yet we somehow think we are super human and can do anything. beyond that if we can't do it all then somehow we are a failure.

I threw my cape in the trash when Mom blew up at the caregiver and we were forced, because there was no other option, to put Mom and Dad in AL. I also learned that didn't make me a failure. Actually knowing what you can not do and being able to find help is one of the best assets you could have. Sure beats the super human complex!!

Some can keep their loved ones at home. It depends on the caregiver and the loved ones. Because of extenuating circumstances some just can't do it. Mom's temperment was our limiting factor. With others it is physical problems or emotions exhaustion or anything else that overwhelms.

The advice I got to start with makes the most sense. It is time for the move when the caregiver is ready to give care over to the professional. It is up to us as caregivers to listen to ourselves and listen to others..... and be realistic about what we can do and what others can do better.

I do wish your friend well Martha. I hope she finds her way. Perhaps this was a blessing in disquise. And for you Deb.... you know why you made the decision to place Mom. Yes, we all would love for our loved ones to be home as they should be. We don't make those decisions lightly. So as much as you want Mom home, never second guess your decision. They are not one in the same and both are out of love

Love, Deb

DrewsG · 02-21-2009, 07:00 AM

Dear Martha,

Your story about your friend is so sad. Maybe now she can get the help she needs for herself. Bless her heart she tried so very hard didn't she?

I have to make sure Moms bottom is not getting sore now. I found a terrible mess on her bottom when she was here last Thanksgiving. She would have most definately been in the hospital if I had not started treating the fungus. I had no idea it was there. Its just so hard to understand how she went days in pain and didn't tell anyone. My God it was bad and she had no idea until she looked at me and said "Oh honey my butt hurts". When I read about your friend I thought about how I would have felt if Mom would have gone to the ER in that kind of shape. I would have felt so guilty and embarrased. One more thing that we have to watch.

I hope your friend is doing OK Martha. Its easy to miss these things with our LO's. I hope she knows that and its not because she didn't try her best to care for her Dad. I'm sure you gave her your wonderful "Martha support" as only you can.

Love, Chris