I'm sitting inside watching huge snowflakes drift down this morning...s'pose to get up to 8" today. Making my weekly visit down to see Mom yesterday proved to be the right timing...today the roads are awful...but my plan is to go back down again tomorrow.
I've mentioned before that Mom is in the very end stage...10 years after diagnosis and placement in a wonderful Alzheimer's Facility. This has been such a long journey...and I'm so ready for this to be over....
I remember when we (6 of us "kids") first toured this place...7 buildings on a cul-de-sac...6 huge Victorian homes facing each other, then the sprawling one-story building at the end of the road. I had a difficult time when we visited this building...clients sat in contorted positions...a few with dolls tucked into their arms...vacant eyes staring nowhere...I cried knowing Mom would eventually be here...and that's where she has been now for almost 5 years...at the "end of the road."
My "Mom visits" are perhaps really "me" visits...she has not recognized me for over 5 or 6 years...and for the last several months has not even made any response at all to my weekly visit. A year ago, she could smile and acknowlege my presence, sometimes sing a few words along with me, and at least she knew I was someone who loved her...........now, it is very rare for even a tiny response.
Her weight is under 90 lbs...and I realize what is happening. The caretakers offer gentle shoulders and know I want what is best for Mom...they want it too..........for her to find the peace she so deserves.
Yesterday's visit left me with a smile in my heart; something that does not often happen. I found her in a big chaise-type chair...tiny body pulled into an awkward position...leaning curled-up to the side, knees partly drawn up, and hands carefully tucked under a blanket by a caretaker. Her constant motion trying to re-arrange her body makes me think she's in more pain than we realized. I pulled up a chair facing her and carefully wrapped my arms around her...and started singing familiar songs as I pushed back her hair. No response at all to me.
As I sat there, a couple came in with a little terrier. It ran back and forth between their legs, anxious to explore. They sat across the room with their loved one and pretended not to watch as I kept on talking and singing to Mom. When I sat back in my chair, I realized that little dog had crept across the room and lay at Mom's feet!
The couple were surprised that active little dog had come over and settled down close to Mom. I thought Mom didn't know I was there...they told me her feet had kept perfect time to my music...
When I first visited this final building...I prayed the whole way home that Mom would pass before placement here! Those prayers continued several days until I realized there was just so much I had to learn about how this disease affected Mom, my family, and others. It was really pretty selfish of me to think how bad I wanted Mom to die...and I had to re-arrange my thinking.
Did I want her gone so I would not have to face the challenges...to prevent the division of my family...stop the huge amount of time this has taken out of my life......?? What I really wanted for her was "peace". I now realize how much I still had to learn...and how Mom was still teaching me.
Please, please send gentle prayers for her to find the peace she so deserves................thank you, my friends...Pam
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