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Old 02-22-2009, 07:19 AM   #1
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I am at breaking point...

Hi all,
Its been few weeks since been on here. No time really. I am going nuts i feel i really am. I cry at the drop of a hat, then i get angry with poeple around me who love me. There is times i wana go get a hotel room and just lock myself in it and turn my cell off and just be alone. But then I think who is going to take care of these poeple and my son who i never see much as it is now. By the time i do see him i am wore out.
My dad comes to me daily sometimes crying sometimes angry asking me for more help and what are we gona do with mom. I dont have the answers, he said we need help from sister but that is not going to happen. She has made it clear.
Dad is moms main caregiver , i go up daily do her medication,dishes,laundry,sweeper and etc, then i have another family member who is 44 and terminally ill that i care for, i go over there and cook lunch at 11 to 12 then back at 5 to 630 for dinner and cleaning an etc. In between that i go to moms from 330 to 445. Every single day. by the time i get home ihave cleaned 2 houses and already cooked a meal. In the evening i see all my dishes and there are so many times that i am to tired to cook
so we order in or fast food.
I am my dads only support person and I love him but feel he has dropped the ball on her care early on. he was in denial when i was begging him to get her meds. It wasnt until she was overdosing on her own meds that he let me take that over.
My dad does her cooking and gets up out of his chair to wait on her what ever she ask for. Moms day is usually 18 hours in bed then she will get up to eat. she has a shuffle and takes her good while to get around. she has the blank stare but can still get some sentences out. She is now waking him up at 345 every morning to start her day and get her meds. that is driving him nuts and says he is exhausted i understand that i am too. He has been pushing me to come up and stay at nites during the week. This week he is really pushing hard. I cant do it. I will not be worth anything to anyone being up allnite. He said he needs help. So i mentioned to him the other day about getting a home health aide a couple nites a week. He wants no one in the house outside the family.He will not even consider a nursing home. I feel that he does not want to be in that house alone without her if she were to go in home and also he is worried about losing there life savings. I told him the other nite i have a son at home i have to take care of , he said my husband does that and i need to spend this time with mom. He also resents the fact that i am taking care of another person in the family. I take mom to dr on march 2 i have asked dad to go with me as he never does and he said no he does not want to hear whathe has to say. I am ridden with guilt that he makes it seem like i do not do enough , i have nothing left to give . there is nothing of me left at the end of the day. My dr just put me on heart meds an cholestrol meds, already on paxil and xanax for nerves. I feel bad that he has no life as he says but i dont either. We just bought a camper last year as we have always wanted to and I got to go 1 nite. It will just sit this year or my husband will go with my son without me. I feel guilt for everything that i do. not being able to do more for mom,not being there for my son enough, if i do something for myself i think of everyone else.I have my own business I am trying to run in between all this and i tell dad this but he dont get it. Every day at noon he calls me and ask me were im at what am i doing. I am 45 not 15. But then again I know I am the only one he really talks to during the day. This whole thing is a mess. I have had hard discussions with me he will not budge. I told him we need professional help. he says no we dont thats what you girls are for. My sister only goes up maybe once a week if that.
I am babbling and im sorry I just needed to vent.
Thanks,
Tami

 
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Old 02-22-2009, 07:33 AM   #2
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Re: I am at breaking point...

Dear Tami,

He won't have this and he won't consider that -- and yet he expects YOU to take over the hard task he cannot do.

I think (if he is in his right mind) that you have to lay down an ultimatum. You can not and will not do anything more than what you do now, and you will also have to reduce that! Tell him your doctor said you need more sleep. Tell him anything. Tell him you sprained your back.

Then call senior services or whatever it is called in your area, and arrange for help to come to the house. If he won't let them in, (tell him this) then he she will be reomoved to a nursing home with or without his assent.

He does not have the power of life or death over her, nor over you. He can decide what to do with his time, but not with yours. I know this sounds harsh but you are losing it - (I know, I was there) and you cannot do this any longer. Talk to Mom's doctor, talk to local nursing homes and assisted living facilities, give him a few options that do NOT include "taking care of her at home at the expense of my daughter's health". Send your sister half of the bill. If she is unwilling to give physical help, she has to give financial help. If your parents are poor, get them on Medicaid.

Time to stand up for your own rights. As the bible says, choose life, not death -- for yourself. Did you know that caregivers have a high rate of early death, and often die before the person in their care? Don't let it happen to you.

Love and prayers,

Martha

 
Old 02-22-2009, 08:32 AM   #3
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Re: I am at breaking point...

Dear Tami,
Martha is right. As long as you let your father take advantage of you in this way he will keep it up. Why not?? Your are going to lose it at this pace. You are entitled to a life of your own. He is being completely selfish. No one can change this but YOU. You must tell him that this is not going to continue.

He is telling you that he doesn't care about your health or your son. Your son is going to be grown before you turn around twice. You cannot give your father a life. He has had his and its too bad it has ended in this way. That is not your fault. Its called life and sometimes it stinks.

He is using GUILT to make you take care of your Mom. Oldest trick in the book. He doesn't want to spend his life savings on your Mom. What is he saving it for?? Hisself?? Shame on him. Stop doing it and get some help Tami.

Love Chris

 
Old 02-22-2009, 10:24 AM   #4
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Re: I am at breaking point...

chris and martha are right. If you drop down dead, they'll have to find another way. All the regulars to this site gave me strong advice, but the strength to act has to come from you. I've learnt that people will treat you the way you allow them too. I've also learnt how to educate them as to how I'm going to deal with a specific problem, and suggest that how they act is of their chosing. Keep us posted

xx love sandra

 
Old 02-22-2009, 10:39 AM   #5
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Re: I am at breaking point...

Okay, I agree with what everyone wrote here.

NO ONE CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU UNLESS YOU LET THEM. You must have the word 'doormat' tatoo'd on your forehead!

Wake up. You can not do the pace you are doing for long. When you do stop, you will be hit with a whole host of problems if you keep going at the pace you are.

You either demand that a visiting nurse type is hired OR you call to get your mother into a hospital for an evaluation and complete overhaul.

Don't blame your Dad, he's selfish and only thinking of himself and the changes that will occur in his life when she's no longer around. Who he is and what he is must be tied to your Mother in a loving way. BUT be firm with him.

He may be afraid he'll lose the house they are in. Make sure he understands that in most cases, the spouse is allowed to remain in the primary residence.
I haven't heard of any that loose their house in this manner.

Take the reins and run with them.

Your
CaringSister54

 
Old 02-22-2009, 10:52 AM   #6
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Re: I am at breaking point...

i also agree. its time to be a grown up and that means looking out for yourself. spouses and children come first. i know how hard it is, but just let yourself go. things have a way of working out. love yourself otherwise life will be cruel.

 
Old 02-22-2009, 12:31 PM   #7
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Re: I am at breaking point...

Thank you all for your support and advice, sometimes you have to hear it from someone else. Because I find myself keep going back and forth with my emotions that this is my mother who loved me and we did everything together and dont want to let her down, but really this isnt my mother.
My cousin is a geratrics nurse has been for 25 years and he said its time for a home, my moms brother has said same thing but when my dad heard this he went nuts.
I read a post on here were someones loved one was removed from the home because of a fungus that developed. My mom is now wearing depends and dirtys them all the time, she is no longer getting in the bath tub and i ask dad if she is washing daily he said not much and I told him he needs to do that, he feels if she dont want to do it he cant force her. of course she dont want to do it. She cant hardly get out of bed. Well when i take her to the dr on march 2nd I am going to ask for a complete exam. Because i know he is not wiping her all the time he is letting that up to her and I havent been able to do that. I dont know why I just have trouble with that. I will dress her if I am up there and she needs her clothes changed. But I am thinking that with the amount of time she spends in bed and no proper hygeine it cannot be good in that area. That may be the catapult for the dr and my dad. That post i read here just sent a bell off in my head that i had never thought of i geuss because im thinking of to many other things. I did wash her hair a couple weeks ago because i took her to get it cut. I had begged her to let me wash it , it was so matted to her head and tangled it stunk that i had to shampoo it 3 times and leave in conditioner to brush it out. There was stuff just caked on her scalp. I brought my dad out to show him and his reply is you need to take her to beauty shop more. That is a horrendous job to take her out in itself as she can barely walk. My cousin the nurse said that dad needs to realize he is in way over his head and there is no one to blame but himself if there are legal ramifications. So that is my plan. As for staying all nite I have firmly said no. with guilt but no. I am working on the guilt thing and it helps to come here. But that is not my mother and if it were me i would not want my kids to go through this like we are.
Thanks so much,
Tami

 
Old 02-22-2009, 02:35 PM   #8
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Re: I am at breaking point...

Tami........you're getting great advice here...some things have been suggested that many just aren't ready to hear!

I was glad to see your second post (right above mine)...you truly do realize everything people have suggested is made from their experiences and their concern and love for you! This is such a tough journey...and, like many of us, you DO have a life besides caring for your Mom.

Your story is similiar to the start of my inlaws diagnosis; first my MIL, then 2 yrs. later, my FIL. His expectations were not as demanding as what you're going thru....but he became responsible for her care...and knew he couldn't do it alone.

Our solution was to get her to the Doctor...and she was directed first to the hospital, then a nursing home.......his situation was the same. Both never returned home. I'm glad you're getting her in to the Dr...somehow, you need to have him go too. Re-read past posts here about the importance of having ALL your concerns carefully written down to hand the receptionist when you first sign the register at the doctor's office. Take the time before-hand to make sure you've covered everything about both your Mom and Dad........and don't be afraid to address each concern in front of both parents.

You simply cannot go on like this Tami! Sending positive vibes your way.....Pam

 
Old 02-22-2009, 03:37 PM   #9
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Re: I am at breaking point...

Tami,

I can't believe that you are still married with a son! As much as you love your mother- your child needs to come first-and fast food for him isn't the answer. Babe wake up. YOur father is self centered selfish old man who only cares that his money isn't spend on anyone but himself. For heavens sake!

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU DIE? WHO WOULD DO THE WORK?

Ask him that. Because at the rate you are going that's what is going to happen. You are not your mother's keeper. IT is great that you are willing to help as much as you have, but it is not your job. Either your father gets help in there full time/par time, or your mother ends up in a home. You can't do this and you shouldn't be doing this. Your own family comes first as does your own health. We have been around the block with this before and we don't want you to end up in the hospital yourself from exhaustion..which is where it sounds like you are headed.

I feel bad for your dad, but this is of his own doing, and now he needs to realize that he is going to have to get help for mom or she needs to go into a NH.

Come back and let us know....

 
Old 02-22-2009, 05:57 PM   #10
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Re: I am at breaking point...

I agree with what everybody else here has said. Have you heard the word enabler. That is what your dad has forced you to become and you need to step out of that roll. He demands but can't do it himself without help. Without that help he would definitely have to comme to a different conclusion. So you are enabling him to demand the impossible. Mental was right, you do teach people how to treat you. He knows he can throw guilt in your direction and you will buckle. He puts you in an impossible situation and expects you to be all things to all people except those that are important to you. The hair is a mess... it is your fault. Not his because he refuses to get her proper care but yours. I think I just posted earlier about people who cleanse their guilt by throwing it off on somebody else.

You love your Mom and your Dad and for that reason you have to demand proper care for her and a lifting of this burden off of your Dad. Will he blame you and be angry with you, probably. But you know it is time and if that's how it has to be then so be it. It is so very unfair to your Mom to be in the situation she is in. Dad is being selfish. Is money worth more than your Mom's well being? When your Dad can no longer care for your Mom properly is it right to not put her in a NH just because that's not what he wants to do?

He doesn't want to go to the doctor because he knows what will be said. He doesn't want to have that fight because he knows he is wrong. Start looking for placement now because it will not be long before you get in the situation we did. Mom refused placement for Dad. She did not want anybody in the house other than family to the point she ran off the help we did get her. Stubborn in her refusal to the end. Now they are both placed in AL because they both have dementia. I dare say that her adamate refusal to have help with Dad may have hastened her dementia. We had a week to find placement for them both because it become impossible for them to remain where they were. Is mom still bitter because we did it..... YES!!! But was it the best move we ever made.... YES!!!

I like you tried until I was put on all kinds of meds and given an ultimatum by my physician. It has been a little over a year and a half and I am getting my health back. What you are doing is not good for you or your son. I would also recommend Meals on Wheels for your other family member. At least you would not have to go over twice a day. You need a break. You need to jump in your camper and stop when the mood strikes you with no obligations other than your hubby and son for at least a few days

So talk to her doctor, let him give the ultimatum, stick by it, and tell Dad that you can't do it all. He may be waiting for somebody to take the decision out of his hands but he is still going to be angry!

Love, deb

Last edited by Gabriel; 02-22-2009 at 05:57 PM.

 
Old 02-23-2009, 07:59 AM   #11
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Re: I am at breaking point...

Missy,

I've seen the same kind of thing, the manipulation, the crying the guilt trips from my MIL. She goes on and on until someone gives in and they always do. She won't even call 911 if she feels sick. She'll call all her kids till she guilts one of them. She gets to the hospital and they roll there eyes like here she is again. Nothing wrong except she wants people to pay attention to her 24/7.

You just have to take a stand and stick to it. If necessary, don't answer the phone, don't go over there. You need to take responsibllity for yourself and your actions. Someone needs to accept the fact that she needs more help. Granted you know it, but if you give in then your father is just going to keep playing that and you go back to that vicious cyle.

Please don't feel guilty. The BEST way that you can show your love is to do the right thing for her and she wouldn't want you to be doing this to yourself and your family either.

Your father needs to be the one taking her to the doctor and listening to the hard facts.

Please listen to the other ladies who have seriously gone thru this and all the doubts and all the anguish of this disease. It is commonly known that the caregiver and end up sicker than the one that they are caring for. Please please take care of yourself and your family.

 
Old 02-25-2009, 06:20 AM   #12
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Re: I am at breaking point...

Thank you all for your encouragement to give me a back bone. This week I have went up once and did laundry,dishes and I made mothers pills up ahead of time and put them in lil baggies labeled with the day and the time he is to give to her. I called him and told him I wasnt coming up I had work of my own to catch up on and that was the truth. I got my house in order and have cooked the last 3 nights at home. It felt soooo good!!! we did get my sister to give mom a bath and paint her toe nails which mom loved that. I told my dad I cannot stay up there as I am going to be with adam at nights. I also made it clear that i cannot do moms hygiene. I am taking her to the beauty shop which is a task but I am doing that for her and I am letting them do her hair on thursday as we are having a big birthday party for my dad sat he will be 70. Dad did mention to me that in last 6 months he has aged dramatically in his appearance he feels I agreed he has.
But this week I took a step back and it felt good. The other family member will be going up north to his mothers for a week next week and that will be a big break for me.
Thank you all very much,
tami

 
Old 02-25-2009, 07:22 AM   #13
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Re: I am at breaking point...

I am sooo glad that you took that step back and took time for yourself, Adam and your family! You did good getting your mom's stuff ready for the week and let go.

Keep taking those steps back; your dad will then hopefully see the real need for his wife and for his sake. Has your husband ever mentioned to your dad that he needs you at home too?

Be mindful that your dad will place on you anything that you are willing to accept. Keep your boundaries and spirit up. I'm not saying ignore your dad, but let some time go by so that he can see that you mean what you say.

Hopefully reading this board will help you with what is going on and what to do.

God Bless

 
Old 02-25-2009, 01:39 PM   #14
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Re: I am at breaking point...

Good for you Tami You have done phantastic in setting your boundaries and sticking to them. Mitsy is right, people will let you do whatever you are willing to do for them. It is up to you to determine what you are willing to give up. I am sure that Adam and hubby appreciates having his Mom at home and home cooked meals for a change. You don't have to ignore Mom and Dad to maintain your boundaries but you don't need to get sucked in so deep that you have no life of your own. That was something it took me a while to figure out I am so glad you are having a good week, have the prospect of a great break next week, and hope it continues for you...

We are stacking towels along your boundery lines to help

Love, deb

 
Old 02-25-2009, 05:47 PM   #15
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Re: I am at breaking point...

Mysissygirls

You may want to check with the beauty palor that you use. Sometimes, there's an angel willing to come to the house. They have a contraption that you can buy in usually a big name drug chain store that will allow you to wash someone's hair while they are sitting in a chair. You fit this on their shoulders while they are sitting next to the sink and it takes the water, etc. and runs it back to the sink

There's some salon employees that don't mind doing this on their day off. They don't have to split the money with the salon then and keep it all for themselves.

I know how difficult it was just to get my mother to a doctor when we needed to. Then we found that her doctor group has two days a month that they go to patient's homes for those that could not get out to come to them.

Just wanted to mention it.

CaringSister54

 
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