I am at breaking point... - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

MYSISSYGIRLS · 02-22-2009, 07:19 AM

Hi all,
Its been few weeks since been on here. No time really. I am going nuts i feel i really am. I cry at the drop of a hat, then i get angry with poeple around me who love me. There is times i wana go get a hotel room and just lock myself in it and turn my cell off and just be alone. But then I think who is going to take care of these poeple and my son who i never see much as it is now. By the time i do see him i am wore out.
My dad comes to me daily sometimes crying sometimes angry asking me for more help and what are we gona do with mom. I dont have the answers, he said we need help from sister but that is not going to happen. She has made it clear.
Dad is moms main caregiver , i go up daily do her medication,dishes,laundry,sweeper and etc, then i have another family member who is 44 and terminally ill that i care for, i go over there and cook lunch at 11 to 12 then back at 5 to 630 for dinner and cleaning an etc. In between that i go to moms from 330 to 445. Every single day. by the time i get home ihave cleaned 2 houses and already cooked a meal. In the evening i see all my dishes and there are so many times that i am to tired to cook
so we order in or fast food.
I am my dads only support person and I love him but feel he has dropped the ball on her care early on. he was in denial when i was begging him to get her meds. It wasnt until she was overdosing on her own meds that he let me take that over.
My dad does her cooking and gets up out of his chair to wait on her what ever she ask for. Moms day is usually 18 hours in bed then she will get up to eat. she has a shuffle and takes her good while to get around. she has the blank stare but can still get some sentences out. She is now waking him up at 345 every morning to start her day and get her meds. that is driving him nuts and says he is exhausted i understand that i am too. He has been pushing me to come up and stay at nites during the week. This week he is really pushing hard. I cant do it. I will not be worth anything to anyone being up allnite. He said he needs help. So i mentioned to him the other day about getting a home health aide a couple nites a week. He wants no one in the house outside the family.He will not even consider a nursing home. I feel that he does not want to be in that house alone without her if she were to go in home and also he is worried about losing there life savings. I told him the other nite i have a son at home i have to take care of , he said my husband does that and i need to spend this time with mom. He also resents the fact that i am taking care of another person in the family. I take mom to dr on march 2 i have asked dad to go with me as he never does and he said no he does not want to hear whathe has to say. I am ridden with guilt that he makes it seem like i do not do enough , i have nothing left to give . there is nothing of me left at the end of the day. My dr just put me on heart meds an cholestrol meds, already on paxil and xanax for nerves. I feel bad that he has no life as he says but i dont either. We just bought a camper last year as we have always wanted to and I got to go 1 nite. It will just sit this year or my husband will go with my son without me. I feel guilt for everything that i do. not being able to do more for mom,not being there for my son enough, if i do something for myself i think of everyone else.I have my own business I am trying to run in between all this and i tell dad this but he dont get it. Every day at noon he calls me and ask me were im at what am i doing. I am 45 not 15. But then again I know I am the only one he really talks to during the day. This whole thing is a mess. I have had hard discussions with me he will not budge. I told him we need professional help. he says no we dont thats what you girls are for. My sister only goes up maybe once a week if that.
I am babbling and im sorry I just needed to vent.
Thanks,
Tami

Martha H · 02-22-2009, 07:33 AM

Dear Tami,

He won't have this and he won't consider that -- and yet he expects YOU to take over the hard task he cannot do.

I think (if he is in his right mind) that you have to lay down an ultimatum. You can not and will not do anything more than what you do now, and you will also have to reduce that! Tell him your doctor said you need more sleep. Tell him anything. Tell him you sprained your back.

Then call senior services or whatever it is called in your area, and arrange for help to come to the house. If he won't let them in, (tell him this) then he she will be reomoved to a nursing home with or without his assent.

He does not have the power of life or death over her, nor over you. He can decide what to do with his time, but not with yours. I know this sounds harsh but you are losing it - (I know, I was there) and you cannot do this any longer. Talk to Mom's doctor, talk to local nursing homes and assisted living facilities, give him a few options that do NOT include "taking care of her at home at the expense of my daughter's health". Send your sister half of the bill. If she is unwilling to give physical help, she has to give financial help. If your parents are poor, get them on Medicaid.

Time to stand up for your own rights. As the bible says, choose life, not death -- for yourself. Did you know that caregivers have a high rate of early death, and often die before the person in their care? Don't let it happen to you.

Love and prayers,

Martha

DrewsG · 02-22-2009, 08:32 AM

Dear Tami,
Martha is right. As long as you let your father take advantage of you in this way he will keep it up. Why not?? Your are going to lose it at this pace. You are entitled to a life of your own. He is being completely selfish. No one can change this but YOU. You must tell him that this is not going to continue.

He is telling you that he doesn't care about your health or your son. Your son is going to be grown before you turn around twice. You cannot give your father a life. He has had his and its too bad it has ended in this way. That is not your fault. Its called life and sometimes it stinks.

He is using GUILT to make you take care of your Mom. Oldest trick in the book. He doesn't want to spend his life savings on your Mom. What is he saving it for?? Hisself?? Shame on him. Stop doing it and get some help Tami.

Love Chris

mentalmum08 · 02-22-2009, 10:24 AM

chris and martha are right. If you drop down dead, they'll have to find another way. All the regulars to this site gave me strong advice, but the strength to act has to come from you. I've learnt that people will treat you the way you allow them too. I've also learnt how to educate them as to how I'm going to deal with a specific problem, and suggest that how they act is of their chosing. Keep us posted

xx love sandra

caringsister54 · 02-22-2009, 10:39 AM

Okay, I agree with what everyone wrote here.

NO ONE CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU UNLESS YOU LET THEM. You must have the word 'doormat' tatoo'd on your forehead!

Wake up. You can not do the pace you are doing for long. When you do stop, you will be hit with a whole host of problems if you keep going at the pace you are.

You either demand that a visiting nurse type is hired OR you call to get your mother into a hospital for an evaluation and complete overhaul.

Don't blame your Dad, he's selfish and only thinking of himself and the changes that will occur in his life when she's no longer around. Who he is and what he is must be tied to your Mother in a loving way. BUT be firm with him.

He may be afraid he'll lose the house they are in. Make sure he understands that in most cases, the spouse is allowed to remain in the primary residence.
I haven't heard of any that loose their house in this manner.

Take the reins and run with them.

Your
CaringSister54