It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 03-07-2009, 02:56 PM   #1
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,128
dorri HB Userdorri HB Userdorri HB Userdorri HB Userdorri HB User
Towel please..

My sister told me today that a realstate agent is coming this afternoon to appraise mom's house. They are clearing the rooms and getting the contents together and will be selling the house soon.

I know I should separate the two but that house isn't just a house, it was a home and a part of mom. When I see the house I see mom, it seems so final. Her life, our lives, will never be what they use to be. Maybe if mom didn't get sick like she did, it would be a lot easier. If she was well and wanted to sell the house, it would be different, we would still have our mother. Our mom is gone for the most part, I cling to what is left of her and soon I will be seeing the house empty void of her belongings and all the things that comforted her and made her happy. A few short weeks ago she was still struggling with the decision to sell the house. It was too overwhelming for her to even think about it. At first I tried to save her and stall the others in hopes that mom would somehow improve and return to the house. She did give my sister consent on our last visit. It's inevitable, it's of no use to her anymore, there's little connection to the things that once meant a lot to her, the pictures on the walls of her children and grandchildren and the happy memories of her life gone by..when I look into her eyes, a part of her emotion is missing along with the memory.. Now to her it's just walls, and soon we will be walking out looking at empty walls and empty rooms and closing a another chapter in this painful process.. Thank God that our minds still have the ability to recall the happy memories we once shared. We still have a little bit of mom left, I guess that is better than nothing and we do have memories to cling to. I don't know why I'm so upset about this all but I am.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 03-07-2009, 03:58 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Buffalo/Niagara Falls, NY
Posts: 514
sunnydaze1 HB User
Re: Towel please..

It's very normal to be upset. I went through the exact same thing last year. It had to be done, there wasn't any getting around it. The hardest was the fact that my dad built that home with his own bare hands and it was the only home I knew until I married.

Sadly, dad passed away 30 years ago when I was barely out of my teens. So mom had been on her own until the time came when I knew that she couldn't live alone any longer.

The only thing that helped me was knowing that there is now a lovely family living in it now and the walls will hear laughter instead of silence.

Hang onto that towel...we're here for you.

 
Old 03-07-2009, 07:40 PM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Lake Worth, FLorida USA
Posts: 1,676
meg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB User
Re: Towel please..

yep, I've been there too. Everything in that house has memories written all over it..It took me and my family two months or more to get it done...very difficult thing going through YEARS of things...possessions.
Now, a beautiful family with two babies live in that house...our daughter, her husband and our grandchildren.

Fresh paint, new carpets, different furniture. New life has been born into that house....and we all keep on keeping on. There is no other choice.

Do the work and hold on to the memories.

Love, Meg

 
Old 03-08-2009, 09:08 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,128
dorri HB Userdorri HB Userdorri HB Userdorri HB Userdorri HB User
Re: Towel please..

Meg, you are so blessed to have your daughter, her husband, and grandchildren live in the house. Even though they may have changed some things..you still must feel a somewhat closer connection to mom if needed plus you have the added bonus of hearing laughter in the house again. I wish one of my family members wanted to move in but we are so scattered in distance. The sister who lives closest to mom's house has her own house so it will be going up for sale.

 
Old 03-08-2009, 01:37 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Lake Worth, FLorida USA
Posts: 1,676
meg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB User
Re: Towel please..

You're right. I am blessed and I know it. I can go in there now and not feel sorrow because those little babies come running every time they see us come in the door.
My step dad died in that house and I tell him hello everytime I go in and I know he would be so so happy to know the kids are there watching out for the house that he loved.

Mom misses it and we can't bring her back there anymore because it would cause her too much pain but her new life is getting easier as some of the memories of times in that house fade with time.

I wish you peace and fond memories of times gone by as you go through the things that meant so much to your mother.

Love, Meg

 
Old 03-08-2009, 02:36 PM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,128
dorri HB Userdorri HB Userdorri HB Userdorri HB Userdorri HB User
Re: Towel please..

Meg if your mom still has enough memory left, it must give her great comfort knowing that is her family living in the house.
The thing that breaks my heart is when mom was with it more than she is now, she wanted someone from the family to move into the house and look after her. Because her children live and work in other areas it wasn't possible to grant her wish. She went from daughter to daughter in the last few months before she ended up in the hospital, but it wasn't home and she knew it, she wasn't happy no matter how hard we tried to please her..
So many regrets, I feel like a failure that I wasn't able to grant my mother her need to move back home with her.

 
Old 03-08-2009, 03:42 PM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Buffalo/Niagara Falls, NY
Posts: 514
sunnydaze1 HB User
Re: Towel please..

Please don't feel that way..being a failure. You are a loving daughter and doing what's best.

Even if I was able to move in with my mom, or have her move in with me..it would have been ultimately way too much for me to handle; let alone my own husband and family. My mom has been in a nursing home for about a year. Yes, there are times she asks to go home and I have to come up with a good excuse as to why not. But ultimately, I know that she knows deep down in a little part of her brain that I'm doing what's best for her in the longrun.

Plus, you must know that mothers do not want their children worrying about them. I know I certainly wouldn't want my boys to give up part of their life for me.

You are doing the right thing. Hang in there.

Last edited by sunnydaze1; 03-08-2009 at 03:45 PM.

 
Old 03-08-2009, 04:03 PM   #8
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,128
dorri HB Userdorri HB Userdorri HB Userdorri HB Userdorri HB User
Re: Towel please..

Plus, you must know that mothers do not want their children worrying about them. I know I certainly wouldn't want my boys to give up part of their life for me.
.[/QUOTE]
[/COLOR]


LOL, you don't know my mother. My mother was one of those mom's who loved it when we worried about her and that was before the dementia set in.

From past visits looking after mom in her own home was easier than looking after mom in my home. Maybe because of the years she lived in her home, her surroundings stuck in her mind untouched at the time by any forgetfulness. If we brought her back home now, she may not remember it. She did just a while ago.

I still feel it would have been an ideal solution if a family member were to move in, ideal for her but not realistic for us. Afterall I do have a family here, what would I do with them?. My sisters have their families, their lives and jobs, they couldn't move. Now that mom has many medical problems, it complicates things even more. That is what is so frustrating about this? There are no ideal solutions, perhaps all that is left is tough love.
Thank you for the support.

Last edited by dorri; 03-08-2009 at 04:07 PM.

 
Old 03-08-2009, 06:50 PM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Buffalo/Niagara Falls, NY
Posts: 514
sunnydaze1 HB User
Re: Towel please..

You're right, it's just not realistic. Regardless if your mom felt you need to worry about her not, you have to do what is right for you and your family.

Yes, in an ideal world we would stop OUR lives for mom, but it's just not possible.

I guess my point is that we all go through this eventually, and I'm happier knowing my mom is being cared for 24/7 rather than me going on 2 hours sleep.

You're doing the right thing. I know it's hard, but visit your mom and enjoy those precious moments when you can.

 
Old 03-08-2009, 07:22 PM   #10
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,128
dorri HB Userdorri HB Userdorri HB Userdorri HB Userdorri HB User
Re: Towel please..

Thank you for your kind advice and hugs to you.

Last edited by dorri; 03-08-2009 at 07:22 PM.

 
Old 03-09-2009, 08:58 AM   #11
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: charlotte, nc, usa
Posts: 7,146
Gabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB User
Re: Towel please..

Sorry I have not been here to respond Dorri but I have been taking care of opening, cleaning, and repairs of Mom and Dad's cabin for the last few days and it is in one of the last remaining spots in the world that has no internet access.

I am dealing with much the same. Mom and Dad's house has sat, much as they left it 18 months ago. The food stuff, clothes, and such items were removed but everything else remains the same because some in the family just can not let go. My Dad built that house right after they were married. We moved in when I was 3 and none of us (daughters or granddaughters) remember any other home. Mom and Dad loved that house and never planned to leave it. But sometimes plans don't work out like we want.

I have nieces that can't even go into the house now. I have sisters that can't let go of the house. Yes, there are memories imprinted in every nook and corner of that house.... but in the end it is just a house and it does need a new family to love it. Hanging on the the house is the last bastion of holding on to the hope that things will go back to the way they were... and we know that can't happen. I would much rather have a loving family in that house than to see it standing as a vacant shell of what was. Seeing it empty is that pains me the most. There is no life there. Just a huge empty shell of nothingness.

So despite the objections I have a weekend scheduled later this month to dive into the clear out process. There is so much to go through and decide what to do with. I have a sister that wants nothing, I have a sister that wants to know how we plan to make it financially fair, I have a sister that is ready to do whatever is needed, and I just want it done. So I guess I will do most of the work.

Also they need to have lived in the house in 2 of the last 5 years in order to retain the capital gains tax exemption for primary residence when selling the house. Since the house was built back in the early 50's, Dad did much of the work, they paid for it as they built it, and there was never a loan on the house, we don't have a good tax basis for the property. If we don't sell it in the next 18 months then we take a huge hit in capital gains taxes. The area the house is in is suffering from a glut of houses in a very depressed housing market. But I have a buyer that wants the house. He just need to make some other things happen first and will be ready in about a year.... which fits well into my time frame. I just have to convince half of my sisters that it is necessary, get the work done to clear it out, get some consensus as to what is "fair", and hope that this deal comes through.

For me, my memories are no longer tied to the house. I know what has to be done. My memories are tied to my parents and they are no longer there. Yes, I will miss those walls just as much as I miss my parents. They are all sill there but not as before. Accepting the fact of the house was the final step in accepting the fate of my parents. This situation is not reversable. We can't go back. If wishes would take me back I would have already been there. So I lean on my rational logical brain to get me though. It is the right thing to do and what I need to do for Mom and Dad.

I am sorry for anybody who has to go through this. It is so very hard. But I find that hanging on to what was handicapps my moving forward with what needs to be. So for me..... I have to go forward.

Love, deb

 
Old 03-09-2009, 10:20 AM   #12
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: NJ, United States
Posts: 1,471
caringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB User
Re: Towel please..

So despite the objections I have a weekend scheduled later this month to dive into the clear out process. There is so much to go through and decide what to do with. I have a sister that wants nothing, I have a sister that wants to know how we plan to make it financially fair, I have a sister that is ready to do whatever is needed, and I just want it done. So I guess I will do most of the work.

Deb

you say that you ahve one sister who wants to know how to make it financially fair! -- there's nothing to be answered to that. The house sale will be monies to get added to your parents account to continue to provide their support going forward.

Anything else would not be allowed because its all part of their estate. Unless your parents put the house in someone's name other than their own.
Is that possible? Is the house in someone else's name? In that case, you get what you can, plus either the donation dollar amount for anything donated, etc. and divide by the sisters.

But my feeling is that the monies you recoup needs to be added to the account that you oversee to pay for your parent's care. Until such time that they are no longer around -- then if there's monies left over -- you divide equally if that's what their will stipulates.

CaringSister54

 
Old 03-09-2009, 10:35 AM   #13
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,128
dorri HB Userdorri HB Userdorri HB Userdorri HB Userdorri HB User
Re: Towel please..

Quote:
Originally Posted by DGabriel10 View Post
Accepting the fact of the house was the final step in accepting the fate of my parents. This situation is not reversable. We can't go back. If wishes would take me back I would have already been there. So I lean on my rational logical brain to get me though. It is the right thing to do and what I need to do for Mom and Dad

Love, deb
Deb, thank you for sharing that and I'm sorry, your journey is even harder with 2 ill parents.
I put the quote in because I think you are right in saying, "the fact of the house was the final step in accepting the fate of my parents"
Maybe that is why I'm bothered letting the house go because I'm afraid to face the truth. I feel by letting the house go I would have to face the fact that mom will never be coming back there, mom never will return to being who she use to be. Gee, those feelings are hard to write let alone accept.
It was all so sudden..she was up to doing everything just a few 6 months ago. Now she's incapable of doing anything. Like one of my sister's said, "everything is going too quickly, it's too overwhelming" and questions whether we are selling too quickly. The other's don't agree.

Mom lives in a town where the Mill has laid off near 75% of their employees. This is where most of the town's people were employed and other businesses relvolved around the livelihood of that business. It's bound to have a ripple effect on the whole town if it closes entirely. The agent appraised the house and I was shocked that it was so low, but said we have to sell now while it is still sellable. Do we sit on it? I still see mom as part of the house, yet I do agree that I need to let my rational brain think logic for me and close that chapter of my mom's life and our life in that house.. It's gone and unless God steps in and wills it differently, there is not a thing we can do about it.

Thanks for the advice.

Last edited by dorri; 03-09-2009 at 01:07 PM.

 
Old 03-09-2009, 12:25 PM   #14
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Oak Hill, VA
Posts: 3,508
ibake&pray HB Useribake&pray HB Useribake&pray HB Useribake&pray HB Useribake&pray HB Useribake&pray HB Useribake&pray HB Useribake&pray HB Useribake&pray HB Useribake&pray HB Useribake&pray HB User
Re: Towel please..

Dorri,

It's hard to let go of home as you know it. But honey, it's just a building, after all. When all is said and done, it was your mother and dad that made it a home. It was the love and attention and care that they gave you that makes it a home.

I know that holding onto it makes you feel like Mom is going to be able to come back. But you know that with this disease that isn't going to be one of the choices that you get. Hanging onto the house in hope won't bring her back, and it won't make the disease go away either. It's hard to read and hard to deal with. I've done it already and I hate it and hate having to pack up what was my parents life. It just isn't fair. But at this point in your mom's life you need to consider what is best for her..and keeping the house isn't it. If you can get someone to buy it in today's economy, do it..

you are in my prayers..and hang tight to that towel.I'll hold the other end......

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
infected by a shared towel helpmepls2000 Herpes 1 02-01-2010 05:55 PM
Okay hold the towel across because i'm gonna jump!!!! Catch me! caringsister54 Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia 26 01-27-2009 06:19 AM
Towel Exposure hithere343434 HIV Prevention 1 12-02-2008 03:43 AM
HIV from a towel sunshine1234567 HIV Prevention 2 05-30-2008 07:50 AM
Infant Towel Question OrangeCouture Infant Care (up to 18 months old) 5 11-20-2006 09:26 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added




Top 10 Drugs Discussed on this Board.
(Go to DrugTalk.com for complete list)
Aricept
Aspirin
Ativan
Morphine
Namenda
  Reminyl
Risperdal Seroquel
Xanax
Zoloft




TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Gabriel (758), ninamarc (157), Martha H (124), meg1230 (93), angel_bear (68), jagsmu (55), Beginning (51), TC08 (44), ibake&pray (43), debbie g (37)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1007), Apollo123 (906), Titchou (851), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (759), ladybud (755), midwest1 (669), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:22 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!