Welcome to our little group web. Sorry you needed to find us but glad you did. Each of us here is also dealing with a loved one or loved ones with this diesease.
First you have to understand that she has no cognitive awareness of what she has does. As Caring said, the part of her brain that that controls learned social behaviors is one of the first to go. She more than likely has no memory of soiling herself. She is as baffled as you are as to how it happened. She has no idea how the food got on the counter either. She doesn't know if she has eaten or what she might have eaten. She doesn't remember when to put out the laundry and each night is just another night because the time frame disappears. She no longer can tell Monday from Thursday.
Task like doing laundry, fixing meals, taking a shower, even going to the bathroom, and other task that we find so easy become terribly complicated to someone with dementia.
Emotions are either completely absent or extremely exaggerated.
It is not that she has given up, it is that her brain can not process the information.
My Mom has Alzheimer's and my Dad has Vascular Dementia. They are together in Assisted Living that is specifically designed for residents with dementia. Many days they have to come remind my parents that it is time to eat. Mom never did figure out when to put out her laundry, even if she was called the night it was due to be put out. By the time she hung up the phone it was gone from her mind. I have found cans of soup open and put back in the cabinet. The stuff that is in that fridge is disgusting. Dad has had accidents in the bed and then made up the bed. Dad only showers when we can catch him between getting up and putting on his clothes and coax him into the shower by taking away his underware and turning on the water. They you have to stand there and remind him to wash his hair, rinse off, give him a towels, sometimes even tell him to stop washing. Dad only changes when you take his dirty clothes away and put out clean clothes either while he is in bed or in the shower. Mom only wears white pants. Her hair used to be impecable but now it is always a mess. She has no clue what to do with it. She used to go down to the beauty shop once a week but she's not doing that now. It is just what they do. It is not a conscious choice that they make or even a subconscious. It is just what the disease does to them.
As for the answers she gives you, as when you hubby ask if she had just give up. They will give you an answer but it still may not have registered in their brain what you are saying to them. On a recent call to my Mom I ask to speak to the sitter. Mom said ok but kept the phone. I repeated the request in different words. Again she said ok but kept talking. I repeated the request no less than six times before she finally grasp what I wanted and gave the phone to the sitter. At other times I have ask her something totally rediculous and she has given me an answer that was just as rediculous with no awareness. Are you going to jump out of the window today?.... Sure I am! They don't process what you say but know from the inflection in your voice that it is a question and they give you an answer.... usually positive.
Until you truly understand that she is not doing this intentionally it will continue to frustrate you. Once you relalize she is doing the best she can it become a little easier to deal with. It's like a child. You don't expect a toddler to remember what night to put out the laundry. They don't have the time frame necessary to know when it is laundry night. Mom is the same. You put a toddler in the tub and don't expect them to do it by themselves. Mom is the same.
If her assisted living has care levels then it is possibly time for you to discuss a higher level of care for Mom. If not, it may be approaching time to move her to a facility where there is more assistance. Just understand that she is not doing these things by choice.
Yep, it is frustrating. Hopefully you will find the support, caring, and answers that you need here. Hope to hear from you again soon
Love, deb
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