Actually everything you said made perfect sense to me jags
I have been there. You may remember that Mom insisted on keeping Dad at home much longer than she should have. It was only when Mom was diagnosed with ALZ that other arrangements had to be made and they are now both in AL. For years Mom told us that Dad would never adjust to a facility. Reality is, Dad has adjusted rather well, it is Mom that has not adjusted. But despite her rants she is where she needs to be.
Martha is right, the time to move your Mom is when Dad is ready. If he is having doubts about his ability to handle the situation, then he is ready. He may not even know it but those doubts are there for a reason, he's wearing down. Yep, I tried to keep Mom and Dad at home. That is what they wanted and what I thought was right. I was frustrated, exhausted, and over my head when I finally realized that I had to do something different.
Yes, it is difficult. I think it would be more difficult if we had to separate Mom and Dad. As hard as it is having two with dementia at least they were able to go together. I have second guessed my decision. My heart wishes they were still at home. My heart wishes that it was possible for them to still be at home without this horrible disease. But wishes are not reality and when my head gets into the argument I know Mom and Dad are exactly where they need to be.
Yes, it is difficult to be accused of misdeeds by the ones we love when we know we are innocent. Yes, those we love tend to streak out at the ones that are closest. The ones they know will not abandon them. In Mom's mind her stuff is gone. You and your daughter are the ones she remembers being there. So if you add 1 and 1.... she comes up with 10. We know it is irrational but it still stings. Just keep reassuring your daughter that it is the faulty thinking in her grandmother's head that is the problem. She doesn't know any better. If she knew better she would do better
It is left to us in the real world to understand.
I am not in Canada and don't know how it works there. Check with a local care facility, hospital, social services... anybody in the business can lead you in the right direction. You could also contact your Canadian Alzheimer's Association for guidance. There is somebody out there that can help you. Now that Dad is being to doubt his abilities, it is time to start the process. It's not done until the day of the move but it's better to have everything lined up before hand
Good luck and I will keep you all in my throughts and prayers. Come back often to update and vent!! It does ehlp....