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Old 04-02-2009, 08:22 PM   #1
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Mom and Dad moving

It's been a while since I posted. Concert contest is intense. Working from 7:30 am until late 8:30 or 9:30 pm this week is exhausting (walking about 6 miles a day) but I love it. One more day to go but......

I had given up on moving Mom and Dad here. Sister 4 was using the distance from the facility as leverage. She found a place 15 minutes from her house and the place I found was 40 minutes from mine. "The professionals told her that she needed to be close enough to be there in a few minutes" so I could do what was right for Mom and Dad or move them here. !!ACK!!

So I finally told her to just do what she wanted to do. So she proceeded. She couldn't get the staff at the facility where Mom and Dad are or the staff where they are going to call her back. When she finally got hold of them she found out that they did not have the room they promised, when they promised it. It would be almost 2 weeks before we could move Mom and Dad.

So Sister 2 and I talked to Sister 3 and I called my contact at the facility here. Within an hour we had decided to move them here and I called sister 4 and told her that we were moving Mom and Dad here on Monday!! That my professionals told me distance was NOT a problem. If mom was crying, that was what we paid them to take care of. She said to do what we wanted to do.... and we are!! I am so exhausted and I need to go to bed because I have contest tomorrow (the last day) but I am excited and couldn't wait to tell you all what was going on here. They are moving MONDAY. I made all the plans in an hour while my wonderful staff took care of my sight reading room

Mom is so very confused. She has been crying incessently. She has left the room several times with the TV remote to "show those people" that their phone system wasn't working. She couldn't get a dial tone. I can't wait to get her into the new facility where there are activities that are across the hall instead of two floors away and where there are people that she can connect with and no sit in her room alone all the time. Yep, there will be an adjustment period but it has to be better than where they are with Dad going down 2 flights of steps and out of the fire exit (which he has done again) and Mom running out the front crying hysterically to find the van barefooted (which she is doing daily). This has to be better!!

Love, deb

 
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Old 04-03-2009, 06:53 AM   #2
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Re: Mom and Dad moving

Congratulations! You did the right thing, and your professionals are absolutely right - any staff member who calls the family when they have a minor problem with a patient - ANY patient - should be in another field. They are paid to take care of it!

I am happy for your Mom and Dad that they can be in a safe place after this move.

In my opinion, people in that stage of AD do not need a phone, do not need a TV remote, or anything else hard to manage. There are TVs that turn on and off with one push button. Mom's facility had a TV in the lounge area, and a lot of people gathered there and watched whatever happened to be on, with no complaints. They can't figure out what they want to see anyhow. Mom had a TV, and a phone. But the phone was fixed to receive calls only, not to make any calls. And she ignored the TV the whole length of her stay there, it is now in the guest room at my brother's. I'll be there in May again -- after I flew home in September, I found out that one whole closet was still full of Mom's belongings, so here we go again. We will take care of all that is left on this visit.

In the end Mom could not even brush her own teeth, find her clothes, turn on or off the lamp next to her bed, or feed herself. All that was done by the loving staff, for which we are very grateful.

It helped that my brother lived nearby and stopped in often, at irregular times, but that can be done once or twice a week even if it's 45 minutes away ... and there will be less interference from your other sisters, especially #4.

Love,

Martha
PS have a restful weekend!

 
Old 04-03-2009, 08:50 AM   #3
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Re: Mom and Dad moving

Dear Deborah-
I am glad that it has finally happened. YOur parents are in need of being in a locked unit. This will finally give them the care that they are in need of. This will finally put someone in charge of Dad besides your mother-and that will take a burden off of her shoulders. I hope it helps her.

I hope that you haven't got your sights set too high for your Mom. She may be past the point of engaging with other folks in crafts and games and such. Don't be too let down if it doesn't work out like you would like it too. The important thing will be that they are safe and contained in one spot!

On a brighter note-I do miss band cometitions. I used to run them when the boys were in High School!

 
Old 04-03-2009, 10:59 AM   #4
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Re: Mom and Dad moving

Well, all I can say is HALLELUIA!

Things have been so out of control for them. This move may not be better for her mind or your dad's but it will be better for their care. That's our job after all isn't it..to take care of them.

Sister #4 was in control with them close by but unfortunately she just was never up to the job. You knew it. We knew it.

And yes, I agree, I wouldn't be too disappointed if your mom isn't able to join in activities...she may have moved beyond that point now. BUT, they will be safe.

I do hope with time the torment your mother is experiencing eases. We will hope.

Move them, get them settled, then let the professionals work their magic.

Love, Meg

 
Old 04-03-2009, 03:59 PM   #5
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Re: Mom and Dad moving

Sounds like everything is working out for the best Deb. I know how much you cherish your mom and dad and want what's best for them..this sounds like it will be the answer you've been looking for.

Sorry I've not been around much..I was out of town and sometimes I just can't handle the reality of dementia so I don't log onto the forum. I now have an aunt in another facility that I'm trying to visit as her children aren't closeby.

My heart is with you and all that are going through this same disease with their loved ones, no doubt about that.

 
Old 04-03-2009, 04:54 PM   #6
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Re: Mom and Dad moving

I am finally home after the last day of contest. Yes I-bake, I absolutely love doing it even if it is 50 hours of work in 4 days. While I was there I also planned this move.

I don't have my expectations too high. I hope it will make a difference for Mom but if not at least I know she will be safe and more one on one care. I know there will be an adjustment period and I know the move will probably cause a set back for them both but it's a necessity. I resisted this move just to move them here but if they are moving anyway....

I got a voice mail and Sister 2 got a call from Sister 3 today. We were supposed to inform both facilities (the one the parents are in and the one they had contacted before the plans changed) of the change. She said that the facility they are in now said it was a mistake. HUH!!! So Sister 2 called the facility they are in now and explained what was going on and they didn't say anything about it being a mistake even when asked. I called the facility they were going to before the change and they didn't have a problem with it. I also took care of the LTC insurance transfer today. My contact here and I are taking care of everything including getting all the paperwork needed via fax or any way we can.

The other piece of the puzzle is transporting the "stuff" (they use all their own furniture) and transporting the parents. We did ask Sister 3 and 4 to take care of Mom and Dad for 24 hours and bring them here so we could move the furniture and get their apartment set up before they get there. They are not being cooperative.... so I think sister 2 and I will have not only everything to move but Mom and Dad as well. But that's ok. We can do this. I am dealing with faxing forms to doctors and contacting facilities and getting logistics worked out.... while dealing with backlash from sister 4. But I expected no less...... I just called Sister 4. I keep trying. She told me that she would not be available to help Sunday or Monday. I have a call in to Sister 3, who is eating out, and she has not called me back in 3 hours.

Both of my phones are ringing, I need to get the tax information digested so I can do that this weekend as well, and hubby wants supper lol

Love, deb

 
Old 04-05-2009, 09:46 AM   #7
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Re: Mom and Dad moving

Oh my goodness deb, what a job you have ahead of you Lady. Somehow it will all work out. Your Mom needs more help with her meltdowns than she is getting now and I'm sure she will be helped more where you are taking her. We have been gone and I just got in from the lake house where I've been wondering how you and your parents were doing. Now I know...........you'll have little help from Sister #4 or should I say absoutely no help from her. Thats OK she would have just made things harder for you in the longrun. And so it goes..........

I wish you luck friend and I'll be praying for you tomorrow. I hope you have good weather and Mom and Dad can stay calm. Bless you all.

Love, Chris

 
Old 04-05-2009, 05:29 PM   #8
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Re: Mom and Dad moving

Deb,
You certainly have some logistics to work out. It will be a big undertaking but I think in the long run it will prove to be the best thing for mom and dad and yourself. They will be living in a safer and closer environment to you.
You will feel you have more control over what goes on their lives being closer to you. I wish we could all be there to help you with the move.

Love Pauline

 
Old 04-06-2009, 09:54 AM   #9
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Re: Mom and Dad moving

Deb

We're patting you on the back and wipe your brow as you sweat through this stuff. You are a good daughter and sisters 2, 3 and 4 should be proud to call you Sister.

We are here for your friend. While we may not be physically able to life the boxes, etc. may our prayers lighten the load.

Diane

 
Old 04-06-2009, 06:43 PM   #10
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Re: Mom and Dad moving

The ALF my aunt is in has a couple furnished units for short-term respite care - check with both facilities to see if such a thing exists at either place for a day or two while you pack, move, and unpack your LO's stuff.

 
Old 04-07-2009, 06:07 AM   #11
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Re: Mom and Dad moving

For better or for worse the move is done and it went as well as it could. I went to Sister 2's Saturday afternoon to sign tax forms and work out final logistics. One of her aquaitances owns a removal company so we hired two of his guys to help pack up Sunday. Two of my nieces took Mom to Sister 3's. Sister 3 refused to keep Mom but showed up to help the physical move for a few hours. She said her nerves could not put up with Mom crying. We arranged with the facility for Dad to go to the locked unit for a few hours.

The two nieces that were helping with the packing (that have not been to see Mom and Dad is 18 months) arrived early before Mom left the facility. That made Mom suspicious. She was ok playing with her great grandchild for a while but then "escaped" and up the road she scurried, scaring the two nieces that were with her. She knew something was up but throught we were separating her and Dad... she threw a royal hissy fit. They did find her and get her back to the house but she would not go inside. They held her at bay until I got there to talk to her. In the mean time, the facility failed to pick up Dad after lunch to go to the locked unit and he appeared at the room door. Yep, we had one upset Dad that we were "Taking" all his stuff". It took some coaxing to get him out.

We finally had the panel truck loaded, Mom and Dad with us, and headed out of town. We made one pit stop. I went in the Hardee's bathroom with Dad and sister 2 went with Mom. I kept up with Dad but Mom slipped away. We thought she went outside but had gone back in the bathroom. !!sigh of relief!! We arrived at Sister 2's before Supper. Dad was happy sitting on he porch but keeping up with Mom was like keeping up with an active toddler. She had another melt down or three or six. We finally got them in bed. Mom got angry and went to bed in her street clothes because sister 2 told her it was Sunday and she couldn't go to church tomorrow. But thanks to some tylenol PM both slept through the night. We had dead bolted and barricaded the doors. Dispite this I slept light waking up every time the ice maker dumped ice or the clock chimed.

Monday morning the guys started unloading the truck early with the help of one niece. Sister 2 and I got both Mom and Dad up, showered, fed, dressed, and even their hair cut. Then Sister 2 took Mom and Dad to another nieces and I headed to the facility to do the paper work and help with the move in. Mom refused to get out of the van at the nieces because we were lying to her. Dad told her what a jerk she was being. I discovered that there were major problems with the meds I had brought with me. But we were almost ready for Mom and Dad by 3 PM and they arrived to see their new apartment. Mom was actually ok with it, for a while. Dad didn't seem to care as long as he had his wife, his chair, and his picture. We finished up, with Mom's plundering help and sister 3 calling repeatedly. She couldn't come help at this end but she called over and over. I stayed until after supper. That's when Mom had her major melt down. Many sobs later she was calmed down enough that I finally got home about 10 PM.

The only thing I heard from Sister 4 the entire time was a phone call to Mom after all was settled and she was almost out of her melt down. I was nice enough to tell her that the move went as well as it could, Mom and Dad were as happy as possible considering the chaos they had been through in the last few days, and I was just fine I came home exhausted, with a long list of things to do, and I am headed back to the facility soon, after I get some paper work, a few errands, and some phone calls made. I did ask Sister 4 if she could obtain and mail me Dad's hearing aid batteries since there was only one left. She sent me an address 25 miles from me where I could go get them myself. She also failed to get me Dad's military ID and some other papers I will need like the hearing aid warrenty I need to pick up the batteries. We won't mention her comment on an internet community that she planned to "Sleep late" Monday!!

So it is done. We only lost Mom a few times and she didn't have as many melt downs as I expected. Dad was surprising cooperative, as long as I kept reassuring him and reminding him that he could trust me. Sister 2, her daughters and son in laws, and our hubbies did an amazing job. Sister 3 helped to the best of her ability on one end. Sister 4 was her usual pain!! But at least I slept last night knowing Mom and Dad would be where I left them when I returned

I'm off to get my list accomplished so I can see how they survived the night. I do appreciate all your thoughts and prayers. I thought of all of you often and it gave me the encouragement I needed to keep moving.... or was it the towels pulling me along.

Love, deb

PS buckeye, Mom and Dad had furnture from their home of 57 years with them at the previous facility. Taking it with us was the "familiar" they needed in the new facility. So we moved a small apartment of furniture and "stuff". We also sorted out the "stuff" they didn't need to take with them. We have boxes of stuff in sister 2's barn now!!

Last edited by Gabriel; 04-07-2009 at 06:11 AM.

 
Old 04-07-2009, 07:46 AM   #12
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Re: Mom and Dad moving

Well, Deborah,

The worst is over. YOu didn't loose anyone, throw anyone under the truck, although I'm sure you though of it! Mom and dad are SAFE! Perhaps not as happy as they would like to be, but they are safe and not in sound mind! Out of the clutches of your evil sister and closer to you. That is a load off of your mind and feet! Now you can wash all those towels and think that the worse is over-after you drive the 25 miles to get the batteries for the hearing aides...helpful aren't we?<<shaking my head in dis belief>>But then I don't know why this should surprise me any more than anything else.. At least she won't have to be paid for the phone calls that she has to sit at home waiting for the phone to ring to get! Now she can get on with her life! What a blessing for her, don't you think!

I hope that you find Mom and Dad settling in and comfy. It may take several weeks for them to adjust, but just bid your time...we will continue to pray for them and you..but not sister 4.

 
Old 04-07-2009, 10:20 AM   #13
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Re: Mom and Dad moving

Oh IBake. We all have to be the bigger people and take pity upon nasty, Sister 4. She will be lost without having things related to Mom and Dad to complain about or martyr herself over.

Deb

We're so very proud of you and Sister 2 -- Give her a hug and let her know it was from all of us.

You did good and so did she. Sister 3 is conflicted in trying to do right for you so you wouldn't have anything to be-otch about but yet trying to stay loyal to Sister 4 so she doesn't get the wrath of her upon her head. We have to feel sorry for her, it must have been a difficult balancing act.

We know that Mom may be a little out of sorts so don't think she's going to skip and jump down to the arts and crafts room or share in the TV viewing with others in the facility. She's tied to your Dad and it will be difficult.
Glad to know Dad's latest bad times seems to be past.

Our prayers are with you. See the boxes and stuff didn't seem so heavy because we all had our hands on them helping you move them.

Glad you had others there to help.

love you lots -- don't forget to hug Sister 2 from us, okay?
CaringSister54

 
Old 04-07-2009, 06:01 PM   #14
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Re: Mom and Dad moving

Deb

A hard job done well!! You accomplished what you set out to do and wanted to do such a long time ago!! It's all over and in place now . The adjustment part is what lies ahead for all. That will be a day to day process. It will take time but the hard part is over!! Good Job my friend.

Love Pauline

 
Old 04-07-2009, 07:36 PM   #15
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Re: Mom and Dad moving

You so made me laugh Ibake. But in reality it is a blessing for Sister 4. I have talked to a number of people who think that this is the best for her. Sister 3 told me she had talked to Sister 4 several times to reassure her that it was for the best.... and being the bigger person that I am I did call Sister 4 to reassure her that Mom and Dad were doing fine when I got home last night. What I got in return was a package today from sister 4. Everything that comes to her house for Mom and Dad she wants the address changed to mine and she wants me to do it. She can't do the mail forward so I will do that as well. There were Mom and Dad's medicare cards, insurance cards, and Dad's military ID which I definitely needed but she kept the handicap parking hanger. Then there were some other random thing, like the LTD insurance card I had ask for a number of times..... I still feel sorry for her. She's missing so much!

Caring, you are absolutely right about Sister 3. She's doing a balancing act. She was most helpful to me Monday by faxing some papers that I needed and she called several times to find out how it was going. She did offer to come, but since she had a bad cold I told her it was ok to stay home which I am sure is what she wanted. I have kept her informed and understand her delima.

I did go to see Mom and Dad today. There was a slight altercation between Mom and Dad before I got there. Something at lunch either embarassed or upset Mom in some way. She didn't want to eat and Dad wanted her to "behave". Mom went into a full blown melt down after I got there. I assured her it was ok to cry if she wanted to. I kept Dad at bay and let her get out her frustrations. I left her in a much better mood.

Then I had to laugh. I got a call tonight from a very confused Mom. After she figured out she was talking to me she told me Dad was taking out his clothes to pack them up to go home. I had to stiffle a laugh..... as I assured her that was only the laundry we had done today. She left it on the stool intending to iron it tonight or in the morning. With some reassurance she was fine. The cargivers assured me they would reinforce what I told her.

They are so wonderful there..... After they fixed the med mistakes from the other facility. They threw out the ISPs and completely redid them. They are very one on one and with specific caregivers assigned to specific patients so they KNOW what to expect and what to do. They requested extensive information on Mom and Dad. I was up until 3 AM this morning completing their paperwork. Then that information was used to initiate the ISPs They will flow as the need changes. I do believe, as soon as I get an opportunity, there is a cake in their future.

Yes, I am relieved on so many levels. It will take Mom and Dad a while to adjust, and the little lady that keeps coming back to her room to adjust as well. She used to be in Mom and Dad's room and just can't get the hang of the change but she's a sweet heart and I always get a kiss when she shows up..... about 20 times an hour lol.

Life is good

Love, deb

 
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