sometimes i find i am loosing patience with my mom who has dementia. i was at the nursing home today and i felt like strangling her for the idiodic things she was saying. of course i didnt, but i got up and told her i needed to use the restroom. i hate myself for this. i wound up leaving with a huge headache. i am just venting.
You are a memember of the club. IT's so hard to listen your Mom and see the lady that you know and love open her mouth and hear gibberish or the same question that you just answered for the 19th time. You know that it isn't her fault, and it is really the disease that is making her talk like that, but boy is it ever hard to accept that!
You are just human my dear! What you need to remember is that there is no GUILT allowed here. You have every right to feel frustrated and angry..It''s a hateful disease that robs us of our parents like that. So vent away girl....
Oh my goodness, I understand...about a month ago I took mom to lunch....she mostly behaves herself so it is no problem...but, that day I got her seated and ordered Iced tea and excused myself to go to the bathroom. When I got back she was at a different table. SHe had spilled her iced tea and the waitress moved her. But the fact that she had spiiled her drink was so upsetting to her that she started to act like a child...babbling and acting goofy..all the while interjecting that she couldn't understand how she could spill her tea...I tried my best to make her feel okay about it but she got louder and more annoying to the point that I just couldn't stand it any longer..I felt like my head was going to explode. Finally in total frustration I grabbed my purse and said over and over .." I can't do this..I can't do this...Mom, I can't do this any more! I have to go outside!" I got my purse and got up to leave but something in her clicked...maybe it was the desperation in my voice when I used the word "mom" but she became my mother again..she was worried about me. It all stopped instanly, the bad behavior. I felt so bad and embarrassed. So I know what you are talking about. That day I thought I was going mad. And yes, I felt guilty so I didn't even post here about it. BUt I got over it and reminded myself that we are all doing the best we can. We're not robots and as much as we try, we do react.
So hang on! You have friends here who know how you feel.
The random rambling nonsense comments they make that have no connection to reality are difficult to comprehend. But you have to remember that they are doing the best that they can..... and you are doing the best that you can. There is no reason to feel guilty because your frustration gets the best of you from time to time. You are not super woman. You don't own that cape. So don't expect yourself to be super woman.
For a long time I was just as you are. I would listen to my Dad ramble on about the cows and pigs and his Mama frying chicken. I didn't know what to say back when he said his Mama was waiting on him to eat supper or when he ask if his brother had already eaten breakfast and left for work. I wanted my Dad back. Then I started talking on his level. He would say that his Mama was waiting supper on him and I would help him see what time it was. Unless it was 5:00 he would realize it was not time to eat. If it was 5:00 (which is what time they eat) I would say "Then let's go" and take him down to supper. He was happy with that. We would talk about milking the cow but it was never the right time to do it. Rather than trying to drag him into my reality I would just met him in his. Instead of being frustrated by his lack of touch with reality, I learned a lot about milking cows and we had some really good laughs together. Yep, I do have pangs once in a while, especially when I would like to discuss something in my reality with Dad, but the pleasure he gets from discussing those random things and the laughs we have is worth it. Sometimes I even ask Dad when he milked the cow. Some of the answers I get back from him are humerous. You absolutely have to keep your sense of humor.
Actually you did exactly what you should. When you find yourself getting frustrated you need to remove yourself. Your Mom will respond more to the feelings she gets than the words you say. She picks up visual cues when you are upset, frustrated, or annoyed. So don't feel guilty for doing what all the experts tell you to do.
Hang in there. It is very difficult sometimes. Just remember you are both doing the best you can and when it become too much you need to do exactly what you did today..... MINUS THE GUILT!!!
thank you for your replies. i guess i did the right thing about removing myself from the situation. i could never leave my mother alone in a restaurant so you mom did good. the milking cow stories have to be fun even if they are repeated over and over again. boy did i need to vent.
debbie one of my first posts were related to losing patience with my mom as well. If I can remember right I lost it with her and raised my voice and later felt bad. If anything tests patience it has to be dementia. The best thing to do is to leave for a few minutes. Atleast it will be an interruption which may prevent you from saying something you don't really want to say but if you do lose patience we understand.
One of the most important things that we've all had to do is to learn to forgive ourselves for being human. Noone can go thru this being a saint who keeps it all together all the time. I look back on some of the things I felt and said, and feel like I should be ashamed. But, It's just our way of staying sane in a crazy disease world.
I have a Calphalon pan with one side that is flattened, that I keep just to remind me that it's ok to let it out when you have to. I was so angry and upset and frustrated about the whole FTD life, that I threw it across the kitchen, into the dining room and against the far wall right under the window.That's what the stress does to us.
And now it's all behind me. There is complete peace in your future. But being patient and looking forward to that is tough, I know.
Hang in there, deb. And please forgive yourself every morning before you get up for what you might say or do that day. Later. Kenny
well if anybody has some extra patience I sure could use some... my mom is insisting that our daughter stole things from her,, first it was her silverware now it is her rings... to the point that she waits until my dad takes the dog for a walk and then starts the phone calls to me.... well today I answered the first one and now I am just not answering them for a bit.. I feel so guilty listening to them ring,someone up there please forgive me... I will call in a bit to make sure everything is all right but right now I am so mad at her that I may say some unforgivable things that can not be taken back...ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!oh oh there goes the phone again..................... ..............
Thank you for that post Ken. It said a lot. There is hope. We just have to first forgive ourselves for being human!!
Don't feel guilty for not answering the second, third, fourth, and sixth call Jags. Self preservation is necessary. Actually it's foremost. We are not super human and no reason to beat yourself up because you are human. Sometimes it's best to know when to walk away.
My mother was always accusing me of stealing from her or taking something and not putting it back where she swore it was originally!!!1
Also, I use to get woke up in the middle of the night when she couldn't find something and would pull my hair getting me out of bed to give it to her when I didn't know where she put it.
Even when my daughter was little (she was about 5 or 6) My mother hid her "good" ring that my Dad gave her. She came storming over to my house and demanded I give it back to her. First she accused me to trying to teach her a lesson for leaving it around, then when that didn't work, she accused me of stealing it for myself.
When the screaming between us was over, she just sat there and cried begging me to give her back her ring. My daughter on the floor playing with her dolls said "Grandma, my mother doesn't have your ring!!!, leave my mom alone!".
About a year later my sister found her dang ring -- it was in a:
stuffed into an umbrella sleeve,
rolled up and stuffed into a toe of a shoe,
which was put into a shoe tote,
shoved into a leg of a pair of pants,
rolled up into some towels and blankets and
shoved into a storage box in the attic.
When my sister found it, I found her laying crumbled in my mother's bed crying hysterically while my mother patted her on the back and saying she was sorry. Apparently after Mom knew I wasn't going to be involved in this daily fight, she started blaming my sister for losing it.
My mother did this all my life. I was blamed and hit for everything. It was one of the reasons why I couldn't do hands-on care of my mother. I knew that if something major was to happen, all the pent up anger of my life would've caused me to do something I would've regretted so I just supported my sister emotionally while she chose to do it. God Bless my sister. I still look back over the last few months and say "how did she ever????"
Just wanted you to know, its okay not to answer the phone. If something was to happen, you'd know soon enough but you can set up a signla with your Dad or a neighbor. You can say "call and let it ring once or twice, then immediately hang up and call back, you'll answer it then"
Or let your Mom call the house number and tell Dad to only call you on a cell phone number. This way you can ignore Mom
Mom will call me some days 10 to 15 times. I feel so bad when I've had enough and I just can't answer anymore. Shes not mean or hateful just confused. I can only answer the same questions so many times a day and then my nerves are SHOT and I stop answering. I also turn my volume down on my machine because I can't stand to hear her voice calling my name. My husband will check the machine for me to be sure she is OK and doesn't need a CNA. So your not alone in feeling guilty. I've stopped feeling guilty after two months of constant calls. We are only human and can only take so much and then we should take care of ourselves jags.
I just wanted you to know that I understand needing more patience but we're only human. Let go of that GUILT......... Your not guity of anything except trying to cope with this disease.
thanks chris, I thought I might be the only one who sometimes just has to make it stop..yesterday was the first time I did this and I almost didn,t post as I felt so bad and thought others would not understand..even my husband who has been a saint was getting upset...I don't mind so much when she accused me but she has moved on to accusing our daughter who is so great with her...would do anything for her!!!!!!!ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We do understand Jags. I have screened my calls before. Actually we have a network between myself, sister 2, and sister 3. We let each other know what the mood of the hour is. If I called and mom was in melt down I would get the world out that Mom's in a bad mood so you might want to wait until tomorrow to call or screen your calls. But on the good day... I would let the nieces know it was a good day to call. That way we reinforce the good. So don't feel guilty or badly. Try to use it to your advantage to maintain your sanity.
I have actually called staff to find the mood of the day before talking to Mom as well. Now how bad is that