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Old 04-05-2009, 08:04 AM   #1
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End of my rope with my dad

Hello,
I kinda just need to vent today. I have been helping my dad as much as i can about an hour or so everyday with housework,moms meds taking her to all her dr visits. Well he knows how to do her meds there are only 4 pills. Yesterday I had my son and his family in from indiana visiting an my grandchildren were all here plus last week my daughter gave birth to my 4th grandchild. She had some problems and has been in the nicu in a hospital that is 45 minutes away. I have been traveling up there with my daughter every day plus i care for another family member who has pancreatic cancer and is dying. I just do lunches and suppers there and his dr appointments. He is like my brother and best friend and i made the decision that i wanted to do this. Well my dad has been very resentful of all of this. Anything i do other than being up there he resents. He told me not asked that I am to start staying up there on thursdays and my sister on tuesdays to help him so he could sleep because she has sundowners so bad. I kinda of argued with him that i still have a 13 year old son at home and i need to be there for him. he said isnt your mom important i said yes but i am a mother to and my son needs me at home. I am already gone so much.
well yesterday my aunt came into town to visit her son that is so sick and we usually have supper out when she is in town. she went to visit my mom and dad. prior to that i called my dad and told him that i was babysitting my grandchildren and asked if he could do moms pills tonite. he said that is your job and you better not be going out to eat with your aunt. I quickly got off the phone and just tried get conversation off my mind. then he calls me back and said if you go out to eat with your aunt i am going to be mad ( for a nicer term). I never speak back to him but i said dad I am 45 years old and you are not telling me wat to do anymore. he started in you dont know what im going through up here. i told him you have no idea what responsibilities i have and that i do alot for him. he was screaming at me and said the f word and hung up on me. I was of course crying and upset but i am sick of him telling me wat to do and being mad at me for doing anything in my life but being up there. He called back an hour later and left a voice mail that said he was sorry hoped i had calmed down. It felt good for me to tell him what i had been thinking. I am sick of the guilt he puts on me I love my mom i already feel guilt and that an hour a day isnt enough. I dont need anymore. This is my stepdad and the only dad i have known my whole life. There is a background there that he molested me and my sister when we were children. I spent years in counseling over it and even confronted him. I have tried very hard for mom to have a relationship with him but he has controlled me and my sister so long. its a hold and a fear we carry from childhood to stand up to him and it makes our families crazy.I hope i can hold my momentum from yesterday because when you say anything to him he just yells at you and puts moms care in the mix like you dont love her enough and we dont know what he goes through. I know what he is going through. Moms dr has given us a list of where he can get help with her he wont do it. He said if we get outside help in the he is leaving. He has gotten control of her money, she has a substantial amount that was left to her by her parents. I would rather that money be spent on her care.
Pray for my guys that i keep the courage to stand up to him because it will be another round today when its 4 and im supposed to be up there. Im not going after the way he talked to me.
Thanks for letting me vent , I had to get it out or I felt like i was gona shake apart.
Tami

 
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Old 04-05-2009, 10:27 AM   #2
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Re: End of my rope with my dad

You have to be very strong and insistent. Every time he says 'you need to help me more' you answer 'I can not help any more than now. I have other things I need to do. YOU need to apply to nursing homes and get Mom to a safe place where she is taken care of by professionals."

Say it every time he starts to complain. Ignore the 500 excuses he will come up with to avoid doing that - he KNOWS it needs to be done. If he can't pay, Medicaid will. If all her money goes for her care that is good, why else did she save it? Just insist. Do less, not more. Eventually he will be at the end of his rope, see the light, and wish he had done it way earlier.

Love,

Martha

Last edited by Martha H; 04-05-2009 at 11:38 AM.

 
Old 04-05-2009, 11:03 AM   #3
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Re: End of my rope with my dad

Dear Tami,

Please forgieve me if I'm stepping on anyones toes but my gut feeling is that your step-dad doesn't want to spend your Moms money on her. Am I right? The more you do the less chance there is that the money will have to be spent at all. He wants it for hisself.

Don't let his threats work on your feelings of guilt. That's how he is trying to control you.......through guilt. The more you do the more he will expect you to do and things will get worse. You have children and grandchildren to care for so live your life and don't back down from him. He knows how to control people, through threats and guilt.

Don't let him do this Tami. Just my two cents and my feelings from your post. I can tell you are a good person and a caring one too. I'll certainly pray for you to keep your courage up and not let him control you any longer.

Love, Chris

 
Old 04-05-2009, 02:20 PM   #4
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Re: End of my rope with my dad

Hi Tami,

I too might step on toes. He molested you and your sister!! For a kick-off he deserves nothing from you but a foot up the rear-end. He's scum. Get that into your head. You and your sister should take steps to put ypur mother into care away from this control-freak. I'm sorry Tami, but i was sexually molested by an uncle, and I can't tolerate this coming into a situation. What you must be dealing with on top of this "heavy situation" is anyones guess? Without going into my situation, my brother acts similar to your step-dad complaining about all that he and his ex-wife does for my mother. I feel in my gut that he wants to keep control of the regular money that is coming into her bank account. Last week when i was up in edinburgh helping out, he informed me that he had upped the payment to his ex to around $175p/w to come down monday thro' friday for around 2-3hrs and bathe her and do a few things around the house. He said "do you have a problem with this?" I know that he cant affect the will, so i just let go of his handling of her disposable cash. It's around $8,000-$10,000 the last time i got hold of a bank statement. I cant seem to find one now. People like your step-dad will only keep trying to pile the guilt onto what he views as people he can control. Keep standing up to him. Crush him like the piece of ***** that he is. I'm sorry, but reading your post just made me see red. You poor dear. Dont give him the repect he so obviously feels he deserves. He's still under some illusion that he can control you and your sister. You set your boundaries and leave hime to stew. Please forgive me if i've overstepped the mark. I really felt my heart leap out of my chest when I read that "issue"

Take care.

love sandra xo

 
Old 04-05-2009, 03:19 PM   #5
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Re: End of my rope with my dad

first, your nuclear family comes first. spouses children, and grandchildren, etc. yoy have to get that in your mind.dont be a people pleaser-it doesnt work.

 
Old 04-05-2009, 05:56 PM   #6
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Re: End of my rope with my dad

Thank you for support. I do believe that my dad wants to keep moms money for himself and if she goes into a home he knows how fast it will go and he will also lose her pension. I have been feeling just like i did as a child with him and I hate that feeling. I went through so many years of counseling and it feels like it is all out the window. I am going to my primary doctor tomorrow for a follow up and i can talk to him and i am going to discuss my concerns regarding moms care to him. The other day when i was up there mom pointed to a bruise on her arm and she looked at my dad and said I want you to stop doing that. I then looked at her other arm and it had a bruise in the same area. He quickly changed the subject and said i dont know where you are getting them bruises. He will ask her if she loves him all the time and she is saying no. And when he gets up out of his chair she puts her hands behind her back and says no. It is keeping me awake at nite. My sister is in counseling and told her counselor and she said that there was nothing we could do because he is in control. Her doctor has told me the same. This cant be so. I am hoping my doctor will help me tomorrow. Its weird that i am 45 and i still carry that same fear of him as i did when i was 5.When my mother wasnt ill she never had enough courage to leave him even though he cheated on her and molested her girls. And now she is suffering i feel.
Thanks again everyone.

 
Old 04-05-2009, 06:54 PM   #7
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Re: End of my rope with my dad

There is such a thing as Elder abuse. If your stepfather is causing those bruises, you can anonymously call the right authorities (it is not true that you have no power over this situation!) and have him investigated. Your Mom would then be placed in a nursing home against his will. He could even go to jail. He does not have control over her body and soul. If he is her appointed power of attorney, he does have control of her financial affairs, but not to the extent that her money is not spent on her needed care but given to him to use as he wants. That is an abuse of the POA.

He sound like a real prize. If your doctor can't give you any advice, go to an elder lawyer. Or look up elder abuse on the computer, or call your local police station, and find out how you can get your Mom to a safer place. His demands that you do more for his wife are bizarre in the light of how he treated you all those years ago. GOOD luck!

Love,

Martha

 
Old 04-05-2009, 07:58 PM   #8
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Re: End of my rope with my dad

I can well understand what it feels like to be controlled. When I read your post it reminded me of my mom the last couple of years before being diagnosed. She had a way of making me feel guilty for not giving in to her demands. I never knew it was because she was sick but her behavior really hurt our relationship til this day.

You said it, you are 45 years old and need to stand up to him in a firm way letting him know that you will not stand for his behavior. Having a history of abuse in the past makes me wonder if he isn't putting those bruises on mom?. Has his behavior changed a lot lately, has he become more aggressive?. Maybe he has medical issues that need to be looked into as well?
Without overwhelming you, you could get some advice for starters and find out what your options are? Good luck and remember to stand up for yourself. Taking care of mom is one thing, but taking his abuse is not normal?

 
Old 04-06-2009, 11:04 AM   #9
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Re: End of my rope with my dad

I would call the local police station by your Mom's place of residence and tell them about the bruises. However, keep in mind that easy bruising is symtomataic of the disease and other reasons such as diabetes, etc.

My mother bruised real easy over nothing. Yet when she was going through her table banging phase and how hard she was doing it, we couldn't believe that her hand wasn't black and blue.

Remember that everything you do may have a consequence that you and your sister would have to live with -- like being sole caretakers for your Mom or having your Mom with you while you find alternative care facilities, etc.

Your step-father is controlling you through intimidation the same way he did when you were little. Instead of raping you now, he's raping your self-esteem and your mind as well as your heart.

you either have to walk away from it or deal with it, but you need to inform Sister first as she's as much involved as you. Does she have family as well?
United they can't break so unite with your Sister against your step-father.

 
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