I just got back again from edinburgh. Last month my lil' bro and i had a pow-wow. I thought it had cleared the air. I certainly felt healthier. When i went up this month to help it seemed calmer. He was a bit shot with me, but i got over it.
The thing is - he is trying to work the system (tax,council tax etc) and avoid paying anything. People are after him. Phoning my moms house trying to locate him. Two weeks ago some government officials came looking for him at the house. He was out working. His ex-wife who helps care for mom was in the house. She quickly tidied his room so it looked like a guestroom. They came into the house and searched around. Apparently they left satisfied. He's asked me to say he doesn't stay at my moms. I told him under no circumstances would i lie. So i didn't answer the housephone the whole week i was there. My sister lies to enquiries regarding him, as does his ex. She is being paid by him (from my mums bank account) cash-in-hand (no deducons to the govt.). Im not being self-righteous or holier-than-thou, but i wouldn't lie even if a gun was held to my head, and a lie would save my life. I would't even lie for my husband or two daughters. My relationship with God would suffer terribly.
I got home on saturday night and although tired, got on with my life. Yesterday (Tues) my lil' bro called our house. He said that the situation with people loking for him was escalating!! He told me that the officials wanted a list of every address he had been staying at in the past. Could he put ours on the list, AND if any govt. official called would i say that the days and times were correct. I said again that I wouldn't lie for him, and he said it's not for him it was to save our mum money?? I said no again, and he hung up on me. This just puts the cherry on the icing on helping to look after our mother. The anxiety i feel before going up in May has just gone up the scale. I am suffering at the moment from continuous post-viral problems. This has been going onsince Oct/Nov. The doc. tells me my bloods are coming back epstien-barr positive. My blood is monitored every two weeks at the moment. When i came back in March my family put me back together and i had 3 normal days before going back up to help this time. I have been ill with swollen lymph nodes and a sore infected throat with a barking phlegmy cought since sunday morning. That call yesterday just made me want to kill myself. I cant deal with this anymore. I want this to end (my mom to die) and i dont want to see anybody else and the way they live their lives ever again in edinburgh. I'm not judging them, but i don't want it at my door. They see me as the one with the problem!!
Thanks for letting me rant. after the tears, i will feel calm.
Last edited by mentalmum08; 04-22-2009 at 04:02 AM.
Reason: spelling mistake
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I know it's hard...he's your brother and you love him. It must be hard to think about what might happen to him but I understand completely not wanting to lie for him.
Nothing can be easy. You'd think having a mother with Alzheimer's is enough...but no. We have to deal with everything thrown our way.
Sorry to hear of all this going on now with your brother - more frustration to add to the mix. Since my family lives in the U.K, I know a bit about the "system" over there, and believe me, some of my family members have been "working it" for as long as I can remember. I can tell you that I know for sure, that the government there have really been cracking down on people who are receiving money for reasons they are not entitled to....perhaps this is part of why they are practically "investigating" your brother. From what I know the U.K is a very generous government in that respect, but there are alot of people taking advantage of that. This has been part of the animosity between my family as well. I completely agree with you that you shouldnt sign anything that is not on the "up and up". Not sure why your brother cant just say he lives with your mom? Did I misundertand that? My uncle lived with grandma and was her sole caregiver, and he was legitimately recognized as that. Your brother shouldnt need to lie about where he lives, unless he is receiving money he isnt entitled to, in which case, it's as simple as that, he's not entitled to it, end of story.
If he's paying his ex-wife to help, that can all be done legitimately as well through the government as well....no need to be anything other than "above board". Sad to say the government will pay for people to take care of their loved ones, because it's a heck of a lot cheaper than paying for them to be in a nursing home or care facility, so the help is there for him, if he claims it properly. So just advise him to get in touch with someone and discuss all his options and the help that is available to him, there's no need for any guilt to rest on your shoulders. Dont let it upset you, you need to do what's right for you, and you need to look out for your own health my friend. Believe me, we've just lost my grandma, so I see now what happens on the "other side" of this journey, and it's so very important that you take care of "you" as well......
Please "rant" as often as you need to, we are all here to listen...
Love, Caroline xo
I agree with Diane about Caroline's post. It was dead on correct. Brother needs to take responsibility for his own actions and make it right. Sandra, you are absolutely right not to lie for him. You have to do what is right for you. Brother has made his own mess and he doesn't need to drag you into it. Hold true to yourself and take care of yourself!!!
Caring sister - my lil' bro has POA. our mom gave him this privelege when she was compos-mentos (sp?). My husband has advised me not to "Meddle" in the day-to-day running of mom's finances. They cant interfere with the will, and that's all i care about. Honestly, they are thick. i dont know where they're coming from? I dont even discuss the purchase of a carton of milk with them. I dont even attempt practically normal things, they are thick and volatile.
Caroline - i totally agree with your understanding of the UK system, so all this cloak-and-dagger behaviour is beyond me??
I am sorry that your grandma passed away. Hope your mother is well, and her dear brother? Also, take care of yourself and your lovely immediate family. Thanks for caring. Also, thanks to you "rocks" too for caring. I must have come over as a drama queen.
Last edited by mentalmum08; 04-23-2009 at 02:55 AM.
Reason: Missed T out at start
Its a shame that Mom didn't give both of you POA's that's what we did with my mom. She has POA's given to both my sister and I -- I needed to be able to do things in case they both went at the same time from a car accident or anything.
I agree with hubby at this point. Distance yourself from it all -- I wouldn't even go up and help with Mom's care at this point. You'll just keep getting dragged into it.
You never answered if brother and x-wife are living in Mom's house? or did Mom go into their home?
Good luck we are so when you want to rant go ahead we have plenty of towels to go around
Thanks for your comments - those are words of high praise coming from you guys I have to say! I always find it funny when you all say I am "growing up"....I am yes, one of the younger members of this board, but I am still 39, so I'm certainly no "spring chicken" if you guys know the expression! Ha ha.
I am doing well, Ryan and Nicholas are doing great......Nicholas is acting out a little these days, I think it's an adjustment to having a baby in the house, so I'm just trying to get him through it and let him know he is not any less loved than he was before. The only thing family wise we have to get through now is mom's tests, hopefully all will go well.
Sandra - for sure, if your brother is living with your mom, wherever that is, he can go on record as her caregiver. Based on her age she should have quality also for certain allowances from the government, ie, rent, if they dont own their house, etc. I believe they will also pay for someone else that comes in to help, whether it be family or a nurse....he really should look into it, I'm not sure of the actual details....but suffice to say, you do not need to get involved Sandra in that respect....not a road you want to go down, you'll always be looking over your shoulders....keep that in mind if he tries to guilt you into anything.
As I watch my uncle and listen to him a week after they have buried my grandmother, I see him struggling, to get through each day. I'm not really the best one on here to give advice like the other ladies, they are all "hands on" with the care of their loved ones, either at home, or whether they are being professionally cared for.....but I can really see now what it does to someone who completely devotes their life to this, what it's like when it's over. It's hard. So my goal now is to encourage people to ensure that they take care of themselves while they're caregiving for their LO's.....because doing that will make or break how difficult it is to "move on" when the journey ends. My uncle is taking one day at a time, he's cried, he's been angry, but mostly he is alone. Thank goodness, my aunt and uncle are keeping in touch with him, but at nights, he is alone with his thoughts and two empty chairs, in a house full of memories. He has to find a new home....and a way to support himself, not easy after all this time. Yesterday he was actually "talking" to my grandmother and pretending to answer for her.....not good. I hope that's an isolated incident....we're trying to convince him to come visit us for a week or so, just for a distraction. Grandma has been gone almost two weeks now, it feels like such a long time ago. Because I wasnt there to see her in the hospital or at the funeral, I feel like she is still here.....like I didnt have any closure......I'll have to find a way to deal with that, starting with the fact I know she is at peace, with her family, and not suffering anymore.
By the way, you would have to get in line behind me for the title of "drama queen".....
I hope all works out Sandra with your brother......stick to what you know is right and you cant go wrong, that's what I always told my mom....and she has no regrets.
Diane - my lil' bro lives in my moms house. His ex has a private let.
Caroline - My heart goes out to your family. I'm sorry i missed the fact the your gran had died. I usually keep up tp date with postings.
You didn't need to go to have closure -- here's what you do.
You write a short note telling her you loved her, the memories you will have of her and other things -- don't make it too many pages.
Now roll it up. Either insert it into a balloon someone fills with helium OR burn it and as it burns say a prayer that the smoke will send the message up to heaven.
OR if you have a church, you can offer to have a small mass for grandma said there and have all your family come out. If you intend to baptise Ryan this would be a good time to incorporate grandma into the mass so you can feel like you did say goodbye.
also about Nicholas. -- yes you can continue to let him know he is loved but don't do it by ignoring bad behavior. Tell him you would love for him to be a good boy that his brother will try to be like -- BUT mis-behavior calls for 'time out' in the quiet corner for a certain time (like 2 - 3 minutes). But you make sure he understands why he's being disciplined and don't associate it to the baby by being with the baby when he's in time out because he will resent the baby then.
So, lets say he throws a few blocks and you've told him "don't throw blocks in house Nicholas". the next time you say "don't throw blocks because it makes Mommy sad and I'll have to put you in time out if you do it again".
Then when he does it again, you remove him from the toy area, put him some place like a corner or the bottom step, etc. But you make sure to set the timer and you make sure he can see you and you him. Each time he gets up and move, you put him back in the spot and show him you are resetting the timer.
Nicholas has to understand that just because there's an addition to the family doesn't mean he can disrespect you or do bad behavior. You have to make sure you discipline at the immediate time of the infraction. he's too young to say "if you throw the blocks, I'm putting you to bed early" because by the time bedtime comes he would've forgotten why he's being punished. And I usually didn't like to punish themfor something they did during the day when it would impact quality time with Dad when he got home from work.