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Old 05-04-2009, 10:58 AM   #1
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the time is coming

hello girls, well I took your advice and lenghened the time of my weekly visit/ stay and stretched it out to two weeks between a visit to my parents.... what a difference I saw... It was not a very happy visit as my mom spent the whole time either sleeping or in her pygramas and was not feeling very good.... my dad finally brought up that he was thinking it was time to look into a care home. I would like to say hooray but it was very upsetting for me even though I knew it has been coming. I had this strange feeling that somehow I had let them down. I was happy for my dads revelotation but I was crying inside... I listen while my dad talked and I could see he had a very stressful time without me there for my weekly stay. both of us unsure as to the next step. I was releived tohear him talk about a care home.... I am home now, did all my crying last night and just phoned to talk again with my dad and suggested that the first step was to call my mom's Dr. and tell him ALL the things that have been happening with my mom and to be brutly honest. I am thinking I should perhaps call her Dr. and talk to him to pave the way, My parents have been married for 65 years and this is going to be one of the hardest things that we are facing. i want to help my dad make this move forward. I called on brother #2, who is the next closest geographically and asked that BOTH he and his wife arrange to visit, and explained what is happening and suggested a visit in about 2 weeks so maybe he can take my dad and have my dad show him the care home that he is thinking about, I think is is important to let my dad know that we support him and it is okay and that there should be no guilt for him, ... I want to make this as easy as I can and if I have to guilt trip my siblings into helping so be it!!!!! so the time is fast approaching, I know that there will be many tears shed and I am not sure I have the strength. I have to been there for my dad but how in earth do I do it without crying and making matters worst.

oh why oh why is this happening.....dam there I go with the tears again, I want to thank you all for the mental shake the other day, I needed it and it did give me the strength to prolong my trip from one week inbetween to two weeks.... I have to say I felt like I was abandoning them and each day I did not go was filled with guilt.... but it was nessecary and I can see that now.

I know this is a long post and if you managed to read it all, thanks again for the support, not sure where I would go or what I would do without you.

judy

Last edited by jagsmu; 05-04-2009 at 11:16 AM.

 
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Old 05-04-2009, 11:59 AM   #2
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Re: the time is coming

Ah Judy

I wish that we were there to hold you and pat you on the back and tell you it will be alright.

Why are you crying honey? Is it because of the Mother that she was and you want that? Because you certainly can't be crying over the woman she is now, because its not her anymore.

If your father sees you crying or sees this as being difficult for you all, he's goign to back-peddle and avoid taking the NH solution because of the pain it will all cause you.

I guess I was lucky and am lucky I am able to de-personalize the individual my mother was from the form she was at her death. I was able to deal with her on a de-personal level so the stuff she tried to pull, that worked on my sister, didn't work on me and my mother knew it in her own way.

So you have to be strong. Pretend or accept the fact that the person your Dad is caring for is no longer your Mom but a stranger -- and help your father do what is best for him. After a 65 year marriage he may feel guilt that he's failing her. You have to keep reinforcing that he hadn't failed her at all. He's not a super-human and its better that the person he's caring for be taken care of by a loving staff whose refreshed for each shift.

Unfortunately if you don't de-personalize this, it will eat you up and if he sees you suffer over it, he'll say "okay, I'll keep her home, I'm doing it for you all"

And yes, see the break while hard for you was just enough to get him to accept he can't do it alone and really his health is more important and he shouldn't. if he couldn't or wouldn't get someone in-home for 12 hour periods, there's no way it would work.

Love you lots
CaringSister54

 
Old 05-04-2009, 12:31 PM   #3
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Re: the time is coming

When I visit my parents home I keep an upbeat attud. I smile and laugh and keep everything light, It is when I get home and the reality of it all the dam bursts...I think that somewhere in my brain I feel that I have let them down, the moving of my mom into an extensive care unit, and that is what it will come down to, is to me like the beginning of the end...once my mom goes into the facility I know she will not be coming out/home and I know that she will not get miagically better, in fact I think once she is there she will crumble and dissappear, I have tried oh so hard to keep the eneviatable at bay for as long as I could..I know that the care will be better than anything I could give, I know that it would be better for my dad and know these things and have told myselve this and many other things but it comes down to ...have I done everything I can... my soul searching has told me yes, my heart has whispered to me otherwise....my mom is/was my best friend and confident and I truly love her so much.and miss her..

Last edited by jagsmu; 05-04-2009 at 01:25 PM.

 
Old 05-04-2009, 01:56 PM   #4
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Re: the time is coming

I understand sweetie because i saw everything you describe in the eyes of my sister. Unfortunately I had to be the one to say "why fight giving her the medicine when its not doing anything". Why sit there and force feed her, she can choke and maybe food will go into her lungs and not the stomach.

I had to watch my sister claw and cling to what her life was like and want to continue that no matter what or how bad my mother treated her, etc. I saw my sister's denial of how bad it was and/or her quest to not face the inevitable.

And you are right -- the inevitable is going to be difficult. it may be fast (my mother was 7 weeks total) but you can't put off God's plan. And to make someone continue in a trapped situation when there is something much more wonderous and beautiful for them ahead is slightly selfish.

As I said, I was lucky -- maybe its because I didn't have a terrific relationship with my mother all my life. When my mother got worse, I just put it in my mind that she was gone many years before she actually left. I was able to separate her in my mind as the person who was my mother, versus the person who is abusing my sister and sucking the life out of her.

I feel that my mother died many years before instead of 10 weeks ago. My sister clung so much to avoid the inevitable but at what cost?

I love you, we all love you and we are here for you.

your
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Old 05-04-2009, 11:35 PM   #5
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Re: the time is coming

Bless you Jags.... I will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers for the courage and strength to do what is best for your Mom, your dad, and yourself.

I do understand your feelings. I have been there twice now, when we moved Mom to AL and then to the locked unit. It is not the facility, it is knowing the loss of abilitities that comes with it. I was not guilty because I gave Mom and Dad the best care I could give them.... but I felt horrible that they needed it. In the last 2.5 years I have watched my Mom go from the strong stubborn intellegent amazing women she was to a shell of herself. That is what is so very hard to accept and what occassionally brings the tears eve today.

Know that you are doing what is right for your Mom. She needs the eadditional care. Konw that you are doing what is right for your Dad as well. He is exhausted and stressed out from all he has been through. Know you are doing the right thing for yourself by doing the right thing for them. Yep, we wish we had our loved ones back but unless we live in denial we know that is not possible. Yep, it is so very hard to let go of the Mom we knew but don't let that stop you from giving Mom the best care she can have....

Love, deb

 
Old 05-05-2009, 12:24 PM   #6
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Re: the time is coming

Judy,

My mom was my best friend too. My dad and mom were married 64.5 years when they passed within 5 weeks of each other. Daddy died first from an aneurism-he also had vascular dementia. He died sitting in his chair looking at mom sleeping. When we told Mom (they were sharing a room in the AZ wing) that daddy had passed she said no no no....get out. 5 weeks later she was gone also. It pained my father greatly to put Mom in the home. It made his heart hurt. It tore mine right out of my chest.

I know what you are going through. I was the strong one for Dad. I told him he had to do it. He couldn't care for Mom anymore. It was draining him and taking away his health. He needed to have help. It was for Momma health and safety. It was in the best interests of both of them. But what about me? Who cared about me? It hurt like a stake being shoved through my gut. Never have I done something that has hurt so much. So it's ok to feel the hurt. Go ahead and guilt your siblings to help. Use any means of pressure you can. You need all the help you can get. And you have all my love around you dear....

Last edited by ibake&pray; 05-05-2009 at 12:25 PM.

 
Old 05-06-2009, 04:10 AM   #7
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Re: the time is coming

Sorry you are going through all this, Judy, but it is necessary. Having your Mom in a good nursing home will be a relief for everyone. Your Dad would never have suggested it if he were not at the end of his rope. Please accept all the help you can get from your siblings to make this a successful change. God bless you.

Love,

Martha

 
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