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Old 07-29-2009, 10:26 AM   #1
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Wanting to run away from it all

I can totally understand lil Deb wanting to vent. I am just so angry all the time anymore. I went home yesterday and told my husband I want to move away from Ohio and never look back. I love my Mother sick or not, very much, and like lil Deb said when something happens to someone you step up to the plate and take care of them or do what you can.

Well my question is out of four children, who signed me up to do it all? All three Sister said they would be there to help me anytime I needed them. Well this week I needed them and not one of them could assist me and take my Mother to the heart Doctor.

My Cousin's 9 month old daughter died this week and this has hit my Mother hard, she has called me the continuoulsy the last three days and asked me when I am picking her up to go to the funeral and I tell her ever time that the funeral is not until Friday. I found out today that one of my Sister is going to the funeral home at 2:00 with another Aunt, but do you think she would take Mom with her. No, she is going to let me do it, after I get off work, because my Sister does not know how Mom will act. What even makes me angrier is the fact that one Sister has been on vacation for a month, another sister does not work, and my other sister believes if she pretends this is not happening to our Mom than it is not.

I called and explained to each sister how upsetting this death has been to Mom and asked them to call her or visit her and reassure her that her Grandchildren are fine and are not going to die, while she is in a nursing home. Well no one called or visited. It has been me and her wonderful nurse that have been helping my Mom through this terrible time.

But my Sister's have no problem calling me and asking me if they can come to my house and go swimming, and bring there friends with them. Well I am ready to sell the house, with the pool and never own a pool again in my life. How can a swimming pool be more important than the fact that your Mother is in a nursing home and one of these days she is not going to know who you are?

My Mom has always been there for all four of us girls all of our lives and how the other three can just turn their back on Mom makes me sick. I would like to tell them exactly how I feel about them, but then I know they will never speak to me again. I let one of my Sister's know how I felt two weeks ago and she has not been to see Mom since. She is punishing my Mom, because I asked for some help. I do not want to lose my relationships with my Sisters, but I am at the boiling point and could careless if I ever spoke to them again, my Mom deserves better than they are giving her.

The Doctor has put me on Medicine, and my Husband tells me to not depend on them for anything and then I will not get so hurt when they say no. He makes me angry when he says that, because I am tired and I should be able to count on them. I pray to the good Lord ever night that he just help me to accept the things I cannot change, but those word are sure hard to live by and I am going insane.

Thanks for letting me vent again and keep writing because I read them daily and sometimes it the only thing that keeps me going.

God Bless each and everyone of you here.
Julie B

 
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Old 07-29-2009, 02:20 PM   #2
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Re: Wanting to run away from it all

Honey, I get it. So does every other poster here. You have every right to be totally ****** off and devestatingly crushed by your sisters' lack of compassion.

First of all, close the damned pool. You can tell them you have not had time to maintain it, due to all the demands of your own family, your job and mom. If you had just a little help with mom, then maybe at some point this summer, you would be able to see your way clear to maintain your pool. Shame on every one of them.

Do I have a solution for you? I do not. I wish I did, because I would follow my own advice, if I just had some. Your husband may be right, and it's the last thing you want to hear: don't count on 'em. I don't even ask my brother anymore. I quit that 3 years ago, after the last $4000 check I sent him so he could come see daddy.

How did you get to have this issue all to yourself? Well, as someone told me yesterday on this very board, selfish people are selfish people. They are not created in a day or a week, they are who they are. That sucks, too. But it's a fact, hon.

Please accept my deepest sympathies on the loss of your cousin's baby. How tragic. I will keep you in my prayers, and I do hope beyond all hope that someone, somewhere steps up to help you.

Sending cyber hugs...

...lil' deb

 
Old 07-29-2009, 03:10 PM   #3
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Re: Wanting to run away from it all

CAJ0818

You're worry about your sister's not talking to you? Get a grip girl, your sisters are crapping all over you now so why should you care.

We've had this discussion before, you and I. You are the adult and those girls are babies. You know dang well that when Mom dies, they'll all come calling to see if there's any money left or stuff left, etc.

I agree with Lil Deb -- close up your pool if you're not big enough to just tell them 'no, you can't come swimming today or any other day, I'm too busy with Mom!"

And if you stop expecting things from these people, I agree with husband and friends, you won't be disappointed.

A famous person once said "no one can make you feel bad, but yourself"
You are allowing these people to treat you like dung and its not right. For your own sanity, stop calling them, stop talking to them, and live your life as best you can. You don't need to close up the pool, but put a lock on the ladder!

I can guess you aren't 40 yet? or 50? Because if you were, you wouldn't give a rats butt what feelings you may hurt by telling them all how you really feel. I give you that permission -- SPEAK UP , THEN HANG UP!

LOVE
your caringsister54

 
Old 07-29-2009, 03:53 PM   #4
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Re: Wanting to run away from it all

Hoo-Boy, Caring. Once again, you have me wiping tears of mirth from my eyes. Here I sit, with a big issue of my own, and I am laughing my a*s off at your "I'm guessing you're not 40? 50?" You are so right, Caring!

I am 54, fixin' to turn 55 soon. How the hell did that happen? Anyhoo, I no longer care what folks think anymore. Got advice? I'll listen. Got criticism? Stuff it.

Caj, how old ARE your sisters? Not that that matters much - tell 'em to kiss your royal a*s, and go on about your life. You have enough to do without them adding to it. And I begged - let me repeat that - BEGGED my brother to help me with dad. No go, my friend. He lives in another state, is perpetually broke, has girlfriend and dog...just can't fit it in. He told me last time we talked that if he had had to take dad when all this mess started in his neurons, he would be either passed away or in a home because HE sure can't stand to do it.

I love my brother. I do. But he cannot/willnot help. So, I just do it myself. I will accept ZERO criticism from him (not that he has given much - he just wants to live his life), and he will get ZERO benefit. Like I said, I love him. And I always will. But he is of no use here.

That's where your sisters need to live, Caj. Love 'em, don't need 'em. Sounds like they are more PITA than anything else. Get tough. I had to, and it was the most foreign thing ever. Get mad, and stay mad. Tell 'em where the bear cah-cah'd and hang up the phone.

Then - live your life.

...lil' deb

 
Old 07-30-2009, 03:58 AM   #5
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Re: Wanting to run away from it all

I just typed it in another post...... if you try to make your sisters do differently you will only annoy YOURSELF!! I have figured that out over the last few years. They are what they are and you can not change them. Wanting them to do something different from what they are willing or able to do is just frustrating you and doing nothing to change them.

I agree, close the pool. You are too busy with Mom. The other thing you can do is tell rather than ask. That's what I have done. I just announced that I would be gone from X date to X date... and told them to "handle it". Then I got on an airplane and flew off into the sunset... literally!! Now they have no choice because I can't do it. I did some handle some phone calls on morning from here but otherwise one of my sisters actually stepped up. Yep, it's easier to let me do it if I am there, willing, and able.... but since I am not there they have no choice. Was it difficult for me to do. Oh yes!!! I worried before and the first few days I was here but then I figured out it was ok. So you might want to force their hand by taking an extended vacation

Love, deb

 
Old 07-30-2009, 04:26 AM   #6
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Re: Wanting to run away from it all

I am 45 years old and pretty outspoken, but once Mom got sick I realized even more how important family is. My Mom has always told us family is everything and I am afraid if I alienate my sisters I will no longer have them when my Mom passes on and that scares me.

We come from an abusive alcholic home and I have always taken care of my Sister's when the fighting was going on, and I guess I continue to do it. My Sister's are 48, 42, and 38 and they have no problem telling me no, so I just get so angry.

I was angry and kept saying to myself I have to get out of this bad mood, and kept trying to think of the best way to get out of it, and I thought of you wonderful people, you understand what I am going through and no one else does. I thank God for all of you.

My Husband tells me all the time he wishes I would just get mad and let it out, and he wants to tell all of them just how much this is bringing me down, but I do not want him to. I just want peace in our family, because if my sisters get mad at me they will not go and see Mom, they would not want to run into me, that is how childish they are.

Deb I so want to do what you did and just get on a plane and go any where for awhile, but I can honestly say that I do not trust my sisters to take care of my Mother and I would do nothing but worry about her the whole time I was gone. But oh how it sounds like a piece of heaven to just get a way for a little while.

Thanks for letting me vent and I will use the phrase that no they cannot go swimming, I am busy with Mom and just maybe someone will step up to the plate. I just think they are being so disrespectful to my Mother and that upsets me. CaringSister thanks for giving me the permission I need to speak up and hang up. It will be hard but I need to do it, if for no other reason than to stop the insanity and anger in my head. And the famous saying you quoted is quit ironic that you would say that to me, because I always said the same thing to my Daughter as she was growing up and now she says it to her Children. They are words to live by, that I had put on the back burner, thanks for the reminder.

Thanks to each and everyone of you for being there and for caring enough to respond.

Love,
Julie

 
Old 07-30-2009, 05:58 AM   #7
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Re: Wanting to run away from it all

CAJ0818
You say:
I am 45 years old and pretty outspoken, but once Mom got sick I realized even more how important family is. My Mom has always told us family is everything and I am afraid if I alienate my sisters I will no longer have them when my Mom passes on and that scares me.


I come from a large italian family -- very close for the most part. Anyone gets sick or hurts in anyway, we circle the wagons! BUT
my aunt -- the youngest daughter of three is more the 'martriarch" of the family. Since my sister and I are the two who listen the most, she always stated over and over how we must 'keep the family together' when they're all gone (meaning our parents). she has three daughters and two of them can't even be in the same room together so I have to ask myself??? what the heck is she saying 'keep the family together'

I have two of 27 first cousins; one lives far into PA and the other lives 1 hr away and not once does either of them attend family christmas -- on Christmas Day. But the rule has always been "if you can't make it to dinner (at this aunt's house), you better make an appearance for dessert" Aunt also understands (grudgingly) about alternating years and has tolerated that well.

So you say, you're afraid to stand up to your sisters because they won't be there for your mother and they may not talk to you either? Well, let me remind you IN BIG letters -- (take a breath, its gonna hurt)

THEY'RE NOT THERE FOR YOUR MOTHER NOW, SO HOW'S THAT WORKING FOR YOU? and you hope they'll be close to you when your mother goes -- no one knows, but when your mother goes, you may not have a relationship with them or if it is, it'll be a false (non-respectful relationship) only to use you, your pool, and anything else that suits them.

YOU definitely need to talk with someone and get some counseling to give you the backbone you need. You need to understand that sometimes the best family members to have is 'friends' not blood relatives. My friends have more respect for me and mine than some of my relatives.

I'm sorry but I have trouble with people who can stand up to husbands, children, and some others but not everyone. I have a boyfriend who can tell me what his hopes, dreams and desires are, can stand up and fight with his mother and his anal sister -- BUT cowers, stutters, won't state his hopes, dreams and desires to his own son for fear that his son will get upset. He's afraid to ask his son to pick up wet towels, put dirty clothes down the basement, do a load of wash, take out the garbage or even vacuum for fear that he'll get angry or mad and my friend just doesn't want to deal with it. He states "honey, he'll do all that when he's older and he has to". I reply "no, he won't because you make it to easy and soft for him to want to stay here and not want to go anywhere".

So make "family" with others -- the neighbors, co-workers, other friends you made over time through sports and/or church activities. If you kept yourself closed off, open up to others and you'll find unconditional love that you've cheated yourself out of. And then 'damn' the sisters.

When you stop kissing up to them -- boy will they either get the wake up call they needed all along OR they'll turn away and the change will NOT happen overnight. You will need to keep enforcing what you want and EXPECT. What they're doing is what they've done all along. so what's changed? except you'll be breathing a lot easier for having done it. Believe me.

But I also say that children living in an abusive household deal with issues in different ways. Perhaps your sisters can't forget and forgive like you did of your mother. I know I told my mother to her face, I can never forget but I may be able to understand as time goes by about the abuse -- but I also never forgave her for putting me through it. I just looked at the time of her life when I was conceived and born and realized some things that as a child I wouldn't have thought about. It may be the reason why my mother didn't like me or want me around as much as my sister and while I understand, I still couldn't do hands on care of her like my sister did, but I would've put her in a home and make sure she was well taken care of -- from a distance. I envy those who have better relationships with their parents.

Caring

Last edited by caringsister54; 07-30-2009 at 06:07 AM.

 
Old 07-30-2009, 08:13 AM   #8
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Re: Wanting to run away from it all

CaringSister,

I love your straight talk, it is exactly what I need to hear and you are so right in everything you say. I will take your advice and seek some help to get the backbone I need. Thank you for your incite and from one daughter that lived in an abusive environment to another, I am sorry for the pain that was caused to you growing up. I do not think any children should be raised like that. I also was very angry with my Mother for not protecting us, or getting us out of the bad situation and through talking to a therapist I have learned to forgive my Mother, because at that time in her life she was doing the best job she could, and it has relieved a lot of my stress by not staying angry at her. Thanks for you kind words.

Love,
Julie

 
Old 07-30-2009, 09:58 AM   #9
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Re: Wanting to run away from it all

Julie,

Not having your sisters when your mother passes on shouldn't scare you. You don't have them now. Not in the real sense of what a sister should be. Kowtowing to them and giving into their wishes isn't going to keep them by your side. they will only be there for as long as they can get what they want from you. Don't worry about alientating them. It will only make you feel better when you get it off of your chest. It isn't your responsibility to be their keeper. Caring is correct, You need to stand up for yourself and not worry about them. I bet that your migraines will disappear, as will the feelings of stress and the fatigue. hugs......

 
Old 07-30-2009, 10:31 AM   #10
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Re: Wanting to run away from it all

One more thing Julie -- if you can't stand up to them for the betterment of yourself -- think it as doing it for the better-ment of your husband.

i.e., your husband owns the house as much as you do. Don't let them come and plop at your husband's house, its not theirs to use as a hotel.

the pool -- think of it as your husband's pool. No they can't use it. etc.

If you are able to stand up to anyone who would take advantage of your darling, wonderful, supportive husband -- then stand up to them on his behalf.

De-personalize it as well -- its all them Honey and has nothing to do with you.

Love you lots -- go getem!

CaringSister54


If you have to phrase it

"hey sister # , I have a wonderful friend named Diane and you know what she told me and I'm quoting her "you're an as* and you need to get a life"

 
Old 07-30-2009, 10:32 AM   #11
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Re: Wanting to run away from it all

Gosh

Sometimes I feel like Simon Cowell and you all are Paula Abdul!


 
Old 07-30-2009, 11:15 AM   #12
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Re: Wanting to run away from it all

There's a small two letter word we all have to learn somewhere along the way -- that is NO.

It took me many years in an abusive relationship to say 'NO more' and get out.

Start small, say, "we can only have you over on Wednesdays". Then go on to become more assertive in other ways too. Good luck!

Love,

Martha

 
Old 07-30-2009, 12:07 PM   #13
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Re: Wanting to run away from it all

Julie,
Just finished reading your post and all the replies. I've got say I was reeling and rolling with every thing in your initial post. My tummy was knotting. I was just getting more and more empathetic towards you. Then I started reading the replies. The girls are so right. I kept on saying just wait till caring reads this. And caring stepped up to the line with her no nonsense advice. All the girls gave good advice.

Deb once gave me good advice early on in my journey. "You teach people how you wish them to treat you you" How true this has been. They might not like it, but hey, that's their problem. Just pull up yer britches and mosey along girl. You will toughen up. You have to. This will pass. Don't expect anything and you won't be disappointed. Anything you receive will be a bonus. That's the premise that I live my life by.

Anyway-here's a bale of towels to grab hold of. Red for Danger. Flap them about in your sisters' faces. Metaphorically speaking.

Regards sandra xoxo

 
Old 07-30-2009, 12:58 PM   #14
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Re: Wanting to run away from it all

CaringSister,

Thank you for the first time I have smiled in a week. I am jealous of your assertiveness. Thank you for letting me use you to tell my Sister's what I think, but it is time I grow up and stand up to them if not for my self, like you said for my Husband. You are Simon and we are Paula's and for that I appreciate you!

Ibake,

I think the reason I say I will be scared of losing them when something happens to my Mom is because deep down in my heart I know I have already lost them and they have lost my respect. We used to be so close (at least that is what I thought) until my Dad died in 2002. I feel like you know me. I am on medication for migranes, stress and fatigue and to tell you the truth I want to stand up to them and I guess it is time. I do not want to continue being this out of sorts when I have two beautiful Grandson that I am to tired to even take to the park, and I feel time is passing me by.

Thanks everyone for sharing with me, you all are so wonderful and I am so glad I found you! It is time for me to get motivated!

Love,
Julie

 
Old 07-30-2009, 01:32 PM   #15
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Re: Wanting to run away from it all

I could write a book on this subject, but since you've received a lot of great advice, I will only add this:

When your mother has departed, you sisters will be eaten by regret. They will be envious of all this time you have had with her, that they didn't. No matter how hard these days are, when she has passed, you'll know that every moment that you had to do more than your share, was a blessing in disguise.

And remember, our children learn how to care for us in the future by how we care for our parents now.

My mother was one of 5 children, but she was the caregiver. Out of her 4 siblings, she was the only one with a husband and child (me) at home, and yet she did all the appointments, all the shopping, cooked and delivered dinner every night for her parents (and an adult sister that lived at home), etc....and when it was her turn to receive care, I could not imagine doing less for her than she had done for her parents. My sister was grown and married and didn't see our mother in action all those years that my grandparents needed care. I like to think that is why she so easily chose to not be involved in my parent's care. Oh well, her children were watching her...

 
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