And yet, another new day - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

skimps46 · 08-18-2009, 09:28 AM

Good morning my sister-friends,

As hard as it was for me to believe, another day did dawn. I sit here at the computer, wondering what to do now. That has been the pervasive feeling all last evening and now this morning. What do I do now?

Daddy's bedroom door is closed. I can't go there yet. It will remain closed till I have time alone to take care of that business. And I will do it. Just not today.

He is being cremated like mom was and our daughter was. His ashes will be shipped to Portland Or (where we are all from) where he will be scattered at sea with mom and Kelly, at the same coordinates. That's what he wanted, and we, of course, will honor that. No service, as he did not want one.

Our pastor is coming over this morning, and it will be fantastic to see him. Then, Jodi and Patrick and I are going to get out of the house and do something. Patrick has taken this entire 4.7 years like a real trooper, and it's time to normalize his life. Only 3 days till school starts, and I want to give him happiness for this last 3 days of his summer. So we will try to make it normal. Whatever that means.

As for me - I am sooo numb. I want to get daddy his morning cup of coffee. I want to fix him scrambled eggs and shave his cute face. I want to have him here to love on him. I want to hear him say my name. His horrible 4 days of passing is crammed down in my mind, and all I can see now is his face as it was. Was, as in 3 months ago.

Picking up rocks. Swinging his cane at the neighborhood children. Cussing. Callin' out, "Debbie". Looking at me like I had two heads when I served him broccoli. He didn't like broccoli.

I will spend the day in reflection, and in memories of daddy as he was. And know that we are ok, and will heal over time, and will always be enriched, blessed and honored that daddy was such a huge part of our lives for so long.

And it was an honor and a joy.

...lil' deb

TC08 · 08-18-2009, 11:10 AM

Hey Lil Deb

Just wanted to say good morning to you

I know I came in late on your journey, but your deep love for your dad jumps right off the page. As I am just beginning this journey with my dear stepdad (who married my mom when I was 5), I've leaned on your every word - I've had the opportunity to shave my SD a couple of times now, and it is such a precious thing to be able to do!

I know I have quite a road ahead of me - one you and other wonderful friends on this board have traveled. You are brave - you are all heart. You did a beautiful job with your dad. You will see him again and the love you shared will never end. Feel all that you feel. Know you are never alone

meg1230 · 08-18-2009, 11:52 AM

Well, are you happy now? You made me cry. And I hate to cry cause it messes up my sinuses!

...your statement that it was an honor and a joy is what did me in.. It is how I feel about mom...but, okay, let's be honest...it is more an honor than it is a joy, doncha think?

I think those flashes of your dad as he lay dying will fade over time and the old happy days will emerge. Time.

I hope you have a picture of him in his best, happiest times placed conspicuously somewhere in the house for all to see.

And as for the closed door...here we go again...don't close it with the idea that you will "have" to open it someday. Just leave it open a bit...walk by, peek in and move on to whatever cake you are about to bake.
Any time I walk into or by the room my step dad died in I always say, HI! to him. I swear someday I think I will hear him say HI back to me!

You did good today...you took baby steps...those will be enough to get you into tomorrow.

I hope you have fun today with your kids...breathe that fresh air and think of all that is out there waiting for you.

Love, Meg

caringsister54 · 08-18-2009, 12:02 PM

Goooooood MORRRNING Glory

You don't know what to do now is understandable. You identified yourself as a caregiver for so very long that its hard to know.

I know because after my Mikey died, I spent 3 weeks at home not knowing what I should be doing. Even now I still don't know.

I just know that I get up in the morning (I wake up at 5:15/5:20) but still get to work a little late everyday because I can't think to start my day without my Mikey. Its in my subconscious and just makes me so very tired.

I then get dressed (not caring what I wear) and leave the house to go to work. At work, I'm energetic, animated, friendly, outgoing, etc.

Then I go home, quiet, tired and just wishing for bed to sleep it away, only to start the next day again.

I have to 'force' myself to live. I have a boyfriend who I do love but I find I can desperately want to be with him each day but also don't mind any excuse not to and then hating myself when I don't see him.

I am in a flux. When Mikey was around I knew what I had to do, when I had to do it, and stuff -- now I just exist. My kids are older and not needing me to tell them what to do, how to do, when to do. So we're all living together well. But I just exist.

So Lil Deb. You will find that you will need to re-invent yourself one more time. You need to rekindle what it was in DH that made you fall in love. You need to set up the boundaries for your 13 year old that lets him know just how far he can go but you'll still be his mom. You need to be the Mom for Jodie as well as be her friend.

Then most of all you need to be kind to yourself. Find charity work, volunteer work, and/or a part-time job so that your self-esteem will rebuild and you will be a better person mentally. As life outside of that door, will challenge you and keep you attune to all the wonders God still has planned for you dear friend.

DrewsG · 08-18-2009, 02:35 PM

Hello Deb,

I understand exactly how you are feeling at this moment I truly do. Mom has been gone two months now and I still ask myself that question almost everyday. My sisters are moving on and seem to be doing better. I'm trying my best to do the same but its taking more time for me to figure out how I live this wonderful life that I have without Mom. I still feel lost and adrift without direction.

Yes, I have my wonderful family and my husband is trying his best to understand the tears but..................

So I have decided to join a new group of people who are having a rough time dealing with a parents death. It was offered to me through my Hospice grief counselor. I turned her down at first but after a few visits and calls I decided that maybe its what I should do for myself. I need to talk about my Mom to someone who is not related to me or Mom. Its just too painful to share with family because then your grief is transfered to them and they begin to cry. So thats what I'm doing for me Lil' Deb and maybe in time you may find that its what you need to do for yourself. No one truly understands the grief or pain unless they have been where we are now. We lost our parents a little at a time, years of watching them struggle to remain independent takes its toll on us too. I didn't realise how much until Mom was gone and I didn't know how to feel about anything. After being on alert for so long.......now what??

Then suddenly its over, just like that...........she's gone. After years of taking care of my sweet Mom I can't just "get over it". I wish I could be stronger but Its not who I am.

My Mom passed away here, in our den, we made that room into her bedroom so she could be closer to the family room where we stayed for 6 days and nights. I closed the pocket doors after her hospital bed was removed and our furniture was put back. I left them closed for about 6 weeks. I just felt better when I was here alone if I didn't see the room . Thats just how I deal with my pain Deb, everyone is different. Now I can look in there and not see what happened those last 3 days and nights. Its the room where Mom breathed her last breath and its OK.

Thinking of you everyday and hoping you have a few good days with familly.
Enjoy!!

Love to you,
Chris