So my saga continues!!! As does all of ours, yes?? Okay - learning as I go - my mom and I had a great talk yesterday - we also talked to the social worker at the care facility my DSD is currently at. She recommended a couple of other places we haven't checked out, so I got on the phone today and setup tours for tomorrow and Friday. One facility tomorrow - one Friday.
There's another facility that sounds promising. It actually has independent living and assisted living. I talked extensively with the contact person there, and she said they have several couples such as my folks - one with dementia one without - able to live in the same apartment - the one with dementia baing cared for as needed (if the dementia sufferer becomes combative or has exit / wandering issues, then they would have to move to another facility). It's worth having a look. I'll let you all know how it goes!
Still waiting on my test results......................trying to be patient...............it's trying
I do believe you are my clone TC. When we started looking Dad was worse than Mom so we found a place that not only has assisted living but a locked ALZ unit for combative or wandering residents. They have since moved locations but are still with that same brand name facility.... both in the locked unit. I do like the dual level or multi level facilities because you don't have to start all over again when the level of care changes.
Mom did much the same thing when she was checking out AL. The first two she was not happy with at all but the one she finally moved into she suddenly dropped her negativity and we did question if that was really Mom. She signed the papers herself that day. The next day she was not so sure and the next day she was even more hesitant. But SHE had signed the papers and it was a "done deal". It was less than a week between the day Mom said OK and we had them moved in. The quicker the better.... and keep it ALL positive and upbeat!
I am in the middle of doing an extensive investigation of Mom and Dad's finances to pay for their care. With long term disability insurance and them being in a companion room I was able to pay for their care without dipping into their savings. Now that they are in separate rooms and their level of care has increased... I just need to know how long the money will last. There are so many variable to deal with. I think there's enough... I hope... because from what I have read Mom and Dad, because of their pensions, don't qualify for medicaid even if their money runs out. They are the gap elderly that fall between the level of those that qualify for help and those that can afford the care they need. It's going to be a squeeze.
POA's are absolutely essential. We could not have done all that we have done for Mom and Dad without them. We couldn't even change the address on the power bill without one. I have learned the the federal government doesn't recognize POA's. Dad is a veteran. He has Tricare insurance. The POA means nothing to them but I could take this piece of paper to Dad and have him sign it. Now does that make sense? Even though I told them he had advance vascular dementia. They ask if he could sign his name and he can.... but I also told them he wouldn't remember it 2 minutes later and they still said have him sign it. WOW From what I understand Guardianship is the only thing the government adcknowledges. I learn something new ever day.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that this move goes well for you
Just a little word of warning - it is very likely that wandering will start .. and if the exits are not secured, your loved one may be walking down a highway in the middle of the night. Then they would hae to move again, and moving is a huge hassle.
At the NH where my Mom stayed, every resident had a monitor attached to their back or the back of their wheelchair. If they went through inner doors to the beatiful garden between the buildings, nothing happened. However if they went out one of the doors leading to the outside world, alarms went off. Thus, they were all safe but not totally restricted. If a relative or friend came to take them out, the device was switched off for the duration of the visit.
!!!Shivers!!!! Thinking of the early morning in February when it was about 8 degress outside that Dad, with no coat on, was picked up by the police wandering down the road. He had never wandered before and we didn't think he would but.... he did. He had gone down 2 flights of stairs with his bad knee and PAD and out the stair exit that was not secure. We were just extremely lucky that the local police picked him up and recognized the yellow key fob he had with him as belonging to the facility. So even if they have not wandered before... never take that chance
Oh gosh you're all giving me more to think about!?! This is tough because to find a facility where my mom can feel comfortable, and my DSD can be well cared for.............tough. With my DSD's form of dementia, he has developed physical issues as well. That's why in the beginning they tested for Parkinson's, Lewy Body Disease, and others. His mobility really isn't all that great. I watch several of the other patients on his locked unit exit seeking, but they are very mobile.
Hope I'm not fooling myself here. To have to place he and my mom on a locked unit right now..............we just don't seem to be at that point in our journey, but you're all giving me lots to think about. Today we visit the place that has independent living along with assisted living. My sister and nephew are driving up from Oregon. All 3 daughters, nephew and mom will be there for this tour! Gheesh!! At least I'll have backup today.
Yesterday my mom and I toured an assisted living with memory care. Just the two of us. We liked it, but it's further away and would not be familiar to my DSD AND my mom gets turned around easily so she could get lost too
Oh - what do you all think about having 24 hour nursing care on staff versus 12 hours a day? That's a big strike against the place I put a deposit down on. They don't have 24 hour nursing on staff. Opinions??
And, last but not least................I got my test results.................I am CANCER FREE!!!!!!!!!! I will be followed closely for several years to come, and really, the rest of my life as this type of thyroid cancer is slow growing, but right now - I'm CLEAR!!!! I'm doing a happy dance over that one!!! so thank you all for your prayers!
That is phantastic news TC!!! I am so very happy for you. I know that's a weight off your shoulders that you didn't need while trying to deal with Mom and step Dad.
Both facilities Mom and Dad have been in (AL and locked facility) only have 12 hours of nurses on duty. It has not been an issue. Their nurses are on call if necessary and there is always 911. You don't have 24 hour nurses at home I do know that every employee of the facility is trained in first aid and CPR.
We had the same problem you are having. Mom was not nearly as bad as Dad when they first moved. So we put them both in AL. That worked ok for the first year but then Dad started his wondering and Mom deteriorated. We tried separating them with Dad in the locked unit and Mom in AL but Mom would not hear of it!!! A month later we were notified that Mom and Dad would have to move. It was not safe for them to stay there. That is when I found the facility they are in now which is a locked facility. Dad adjusted very quickly but Mom took a longer period of time. The locked unit they are in has a high proportion of functional residents. Of the 20 residents only 3 are in the very advanced stages. There are a few in wheel chairs but most are walking and feeding themselves. About half, including Mom are searching for exits. I was hesitant at first to move Mom to that lower level of care but it turned out she needed it more than Dad did.
Don't let the shaky ambulatory status fool you. My Dad has a bad knee, PAD, constant leg pain, has been in PT for a walker, and even considered for a wheel chair...... and he walked down two flights of steps, out the back door, across the yard, and into the road. How, we don't know because he had trouble walking to dinner just a short distance away. But when they make up their mind to go they are GONE!!
You just have to take a realistic look at what they can and can not do. Do they need careful watching or can they function on their own with just a minimal amount of assistance? Is it safe for them to be outside by themsleves? The one thing you do need to remember is that nothing is forever and you have to be willing to change your mind if needed. Mom and Dad's first facility suited them at the time but their disease took them to another place that they needed more care. It happened quickly and you just have to be ready to reassess if necessary or find a facility with all levels. We thought we had found that until we realized that Mom and Dad both needed more care and refused to be separated. The first facility didn't have double occupancy rooms. There is so much to consider, especially when you have two at different levels that want to stay together.
I will keep all three of you in my thoughts and prayers that the perfect facility is in your future.... and give praise that you are cancer free !!!!
A few years ago my brother's MIL, who lived with them in Queens, NY and had Alzheimer's, had an argument with her daughter, and decided to go to live with her son in Florida. Unfortunately she made this decision in the middle of the night, in her thin nightgown.
The police found her wandering along a very busy NY highway, and asked her where she was going. I am going to live with my son in Florida. What is his address? Phone number? No idea. Where do you live now? I don't know.
At the police station she remembered her last name. This is not the same as my brother's where she lived, but with her first and last names they were able to get a report on her, which included her last address, and someone there knew she had moved to my brother's house and knew his last name. HOURS later they had located her address and rang my brother's door bell. All this time B and A had assumed she was sleeping peacefully upstairs in her bed. It was 4 AM!
She had never wandered off before.
They eventually drove her to her son's house in FL, because they thought maybe she would be happy there. Of course she wasn't. That lasted for 6 months, and her son enrolled her in a NH, where she died a couple of years later.
Hi my sisters in dementia!!! I keep trying to find a loving nickname for all of you, but that sounds kind of weird!?! I'll keep working on it.........................anyway....... ......the SAGA CONTINUES!?! So - I got a call from my mom yesterday morning - she was very upset - asked if we could meet for coffee / breakfast. I quickly got cleaned up and out the door to meet her - only to have her do a complete meltdown on me???? She doesn't want to move - doesn't like the place we found that-works-and-fits-all-of-their-needs-oh-and-did-I-mention-it's-the-most-affordable-and-my-folks-don't-have-tons-of-resources??? I know you all warned me this could happen AND IT DID
She actually wants to stay in the house (which she can't manage - financially or otherwise) and have my DSD be in a care facility???? THIS one really blew my mind because I thought she would want to BE WITH HIM again???? Out of all that she expressed yesterday, this was the shocker for me. I knew she'd get cold feet.............I knew she'd criticize every little thing............but I thought she'd want to live with her husband of 40 years who has loved and ADORED her!?! I don't get it????
So - I called in support. My sister who lives in Oregon is driving up today with her hubby. I arranged a care conference at the facility my DSD is currently at (which - according to my mom - she'd leave him there longterm if she could - it's $7,000.00 a month private pay - they don't take Medicaid - not that they're to the Medicaid stage yet - but that $7,000 would spend down their money pretty fast). The social worker there is great and my mom will listen to her and to my brother-in-law. He is in the medical field - actually manages the Providence clinics in the greater Portland area - and - he's a MAN and for some reason (??) we're finding our mom takes direction from him more easily than from us. Wow - some of this double standard stuff never ends. Anyway - my job is to rally the troops - when the frontline becomes too tough - I've got to call in support. I'm the one that's here - that lives 15 minutes away from my parent's house and 10 minutes away from the care facility. I'm doing the day to day stuff - the POA stuff - but when my mom gets like this, I've got to call for help. HELP
So wish me luck all my veteran sisters of dementia! Let's see - the acronym for that would be...............VSOD..............how's THAT for a nickname? Hmmmm............I'll keep working on it Love you ALL! Thatnks for being here 24/7!!!!!!!!!!
We knew it and warned you. This was a good thing so you weren't taken by surprise when it happened.
You need to tell your mother "sorry, you signed the document and its a binding document that can't be broken"
You also have to know that your DSD was burden to her in his illness. Now that he's there and she's free (so to speak) who would want to go anywhere and be part of that again. Is probably what's she's thinking.
Do what you need to do. DSD doesn't need to be in the same facility as your Mom but your Mom needs to be someplace where she's safe.
If you want to know how well she'd do, being alone, set up some tests and see if she knows what to do such as 'turn off the circuit to the stove' and see, etc.
I just joted down words that may or may not create whole thoughts. I'd vote for telling her that the signature and agreement she made is binding and she now has to go.
I'm with caring.... just tell her it's a done deal and she has to at least try it. We made so many promises to Mom. If Dad gets better than maybe you can go back home. If we can find adequate in home care then maybe. On and On.... for 2 years. Now Mom doesn't know to ask to go home any more. No, it has not been easy and Mom has acted out repeatedly. But she is where she needs to be and not going back home.
So don't expect it to be easy just do it. Tell her whatever it takes to make it happen. There are no lies in dementia... there is just bending to their reality to get where THEY need to be!!!
You never know.... she might get there and love it Dementia is a world of it's own.....
Thanks my Alz's pals Just wanted to clarify - my mom does not have Alz / dementia - my DSD does. She is just self absorbed That said, since my DSD has gotten worse, we are seeing cognition issues with my mom, so I may have to eat those words!! Just another reason to get them both moved - where they have help when they need it. She will be considered "independent living" and he will be "assisted living." But I admit - I will feel much better knowing there are staff keeping an eye on her as well.
The care conference went very well yesterday. This morning I'm getting my mom's car in for service, so that will give she & I some time to talk. The staff were very straight forward (but in a caring way) at the care conference and told her they wouldn't be able to get a doctor to sign off on her just taking my DSD back home. Hopefully she heard it / took it better from them than she has from me.