Today was the day we changed daddy's room back into our guest room.
We had moved out an entire room (bed, furniture, boxes of books, my dh's beloved record collection...) to storage in May when we moved daddy in with us, and put it all in storage.
When daddy passed, I got rid of all the hospital equipment, wheelchairs...you know, stuff..., cleaned and shampoo'd the carpet, and then today we rented a U-Haul and went and got our belongings out of storage.
The room looks like it used to, minus a few boxes of stuff that we stored and never did need. The cat is laying on the freshly made bed, the bookcases are shiny with a new coat of polish, and it is going to be a nice room for dh to go fire up the turntable and listen to his records in peace.
So since it looks so nice, and since it was a BIG job all finished now, why does it feel so wrong? I cannot handle it. I think I will never go in there again, even though all my painting and craft supplies are in there, all orderly and pretty.
I can only see the hospital bed in there. With my daddy laying on it, semi-comatose. I want to cry.
I am with Martha... give yourself time. It is a slow process to get through grief and you have only just begun. One day in the future it will be right again and the momeories of Dad will be happy ones, not those that hurt.
one baby step at a time Little Deb..... and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
...losing someone we love is always very painful,but death is not a failure, everyone dies, it's part of the process of life.
When my grandfather passed away, the mourning process took over a year, it was very difficult to have to go through all the holidays and seasons - birthdays, anniversary, et cetera, so you need to be very gentle with yourself and let yourself grieve. It's okay to get angry and have hysterics when someone dies, we can't pretend it doesn't hurt. Let yourself cry, let it out, otherwise you will create more problems for yourself. You have to take care of yourself the best you can, and I know it's not easy... But you can do it
And please don't be too hard on yourself or others who may grieve in a different ways. DH, son and daughter may not be reacting the way you are and you will probably get mad thinking they may not love him but they did.
My sister got mad at me saying that she was amazed I wasn't crying over my mother dying. She was really upset with me, but I didn't cry when my daddy died either. I choose to cry privately and away from people and most of the time, i do my grieving when they are alive. But my father grieving didn't hit me until 7 months after he was gone. Everyone has to understand that I need to stay strong for others.
so don't be hard on others. Just keep talking. You'll go into the room when there is something funny or happy you want to see or hear and wham, the good memories will start to creep in and the room won't be associated with daddy any longer.
hey what kind of records does dh have? My husband collected 50/60's doo wopp street corner, soul - group harmony records.
my dad will not remove anything that belonged to my mom. he still has the table by the chair set up with her magazines and kleenex. her clothes are still in the closet and drawers. he said he is not ready. i dont think he ever will be. so when i am there, i walk into my moms closet and smell her clothes. i go through the drawers and touch as much as i can. i had to ask my dad if i could sit in her chair and he said yes of course. i think he needs to donate some things and throw out all the garbage. i tried asking him if i could help, but he said no. it has been 3 months since mom passed and i dont know what to think. you will get used to the room again and think of better times.
I only got rid of Mikey's clothes. He died in April and I was donating most of his clothese in July/Aug. The reason was that he had all my bedroom space and upstairs closets and I had my clothes in the basement. So that was the true reason why I did anything. I kept two of his tops, and one pair of pants (they were the ones he was wearing in the hospital that fateful day).
I only now started to see about selling some of his records and that is only because I need the money to help my kids with their last few college expenses.
i wasn't emotionally ready to sell anything before this even though it was Mikey's wishes 4 months before he died.
My bedroom, I had the walls re-sheet rocked and I hung wallpaper. He slept in a room that was cracked plaster. Oh well, didn't have the money then.
in terms the kitchen stuff which Mikey kinds took over one side of the room. Well, a water flood from the bathroom and all his memoriabilia is off the walls and the color paint he selected (coco cola 'yellow') is now a beige.
its my childhood home so there are memories all over the place. You have to make changes and make things 'yours' and then the room won't be 'dad's" anymore.
Dearest L'il Deb....
Your words make "me" want to cry.....I can just feel your sadness. But you know I really do understand what you're saying about the room. My grandma died at home also, in her living room, they had made it up likely the same way your daddy's room was, with a hospital bed etc. My grandma lived 15 years in that house....had many good memories, and alot of bad. My uncle was also brought there to lie in rest when he died until they took him to the cemetary. It was a home full of sweetness and sorrow.
My uncle who looked after my grandma - his immediate reaction when she died was to "get out"...too many bad memories, he could never get past. Within 3 weeks of when she passed, he was in a new apartment....at the time, he thought it was the right thing to do...that he could never find the "good" memories again in his home of so many years. It has now been 5 months....and he is regretting it every single day......he would give anything to be back there. But since grandma passed and he moved out, it has been completely renovated and a family is living there.
So....just take some time Deb...the ladies are right....I too think it is good to keep busy...but you might just be putting off the inevitable and that is, the need to "grieve".....you have to go "through" it, you cant go "around" it Deb.......I know its so hard. When you "want to cry", that's when you should..........
Mom's room: she lived with my brother for the last 3 months before falling and having to go to the NH. For the entire 2.5 yrs at the NH he kept the room ready for her to come back. As we told her, "when you can walk again, when you are able to go up the stairs, you will go home." I am sure none of us ever expected her to actually move back there.
Whenever I visted NY I slept in her room. I borrowed some of her clothes! We wore the same size on top, just my legs were too long for her pants. I used her shampoo and hand lotion. I kept a few things in that closet for my visits.
When Mom died, Bill emptied out the closet. When I arrived for the funeral, nothing was left in the closet. My own stuff was also gone.
Later on another trip we emptied out boxes that he had stored in his garage and one closet with boxes in it, but all her hanging clothes and standing shoes and other items in the closet were gone. I think he just had to clear everything out , probably the same day she died. It was a kind of therapy for him. I never told him he had thrown out shoes, sweaters and pajamas of mine.
Leaving everything as it was is the way some people handle it, even as long as 10 years. Throwing everything out is another way. Neither is right, and neither is wrong. We do what feels right to us. We are all different, and we are all doing our best.
"Leaving everything as it was is the way some people handle it, even as long as 10 years. Throwing everything out is another way. Neither is right, and neither is wrong. We do what feels right to us. We are all different, and we are all doing our best."
Truer words were never spoken Martha. We each have our own way and our own time to deal with grief. There are no right and wrong ways. You just have to do what feels right to you.
Grief is not static but constantly changing as we move through time. There are seven stages of grief that we each go through. The first is shock and denial. "this isn't happening" This provides the emotional protection from being over whelmed. After the shock wears off it is replaced with pain and guilt. "this is too painful to bear and what could I have done" This is an unbelievably painful stage where we fully experience the pain of loss and even guilt over what we should have or could have done. This can be a very scary time filled with frustration. Then we move into the anger stage "Why is this happening to me" when we lash out and question why me and may even bargain to bring back our loved one. Once that anger has subsided you fall into depression, loneliness, and reflection. "I don't care any more" You realize the full magnitude of your loss and it depresses you. you may isolate yourself and reflect. The emptiness and despair if real. Then you make the upward turn. "I'm need to get my life together" you start to adjust to your life without your loved one. After you reconstruct your life and start to work through what life will be in the future you come to the last stage of acceptance and hope. "I'm ready for whatever comes" This is when you really begin to accept and deal with the reality of your situation.
Each state is important. There is no time table for how long each will last. Some will last a short time and some may take longer to work your way though. you may be working through more than one stage at a time. But eventually you come to the end and find a way to move forward.
So don't rush yourself. Feel the emotions that come from within and let yourself heal. In time you will again find your balance.
You are a wise woman -- you always write concisely and with wisdom. We are blessed having you on the posting boards.
We are also all sorry for everything that you have to go through. When it is all said and done, you will wonder where you acquired all the 'free time' but we are also glad that you are an example of how you need other things in your life by your trips, your activities, etc.
I sure hope others learn from you, that they need to have a life in addition to the life with alzheimer.
Exactly Pauline. It's all in how you handle it. You can find the bright spots, the moments of joy, and little bit of laughter or a sweet smile and hang on to those or you can dwell on the difficult time. You can look for the good, even in the bad. Dispite this weekend's chaos and Mom's tears when I arrived today, I spent a lovely afternoon with my parents under the wisteria arbor eating home made peach pie, listening to mom and dad ramble their non sense about the baby doll I gave Mom for her birthday. It was actually rather cute..... and the pie was yummmm!!