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Needing Some Advice ...Long Post !

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Old 09-13-2009, 12:50 PM   #1
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Needing Some Advice ...Long Post !

Hello to all ,
I am new to the boards, but not to the effects that this very cruel disease has on life . My Mother is 81 ,and in stage 5-possibly 6 of the AD . We lost Daddy 17 months ago after a 7 year battle with the late stage heart disease, and a debilitating stroke. Since Daddy's stroke in 2002 ,I had been the primary caretaker for my Mother, my Daddy , and my uncle ( moms brother) until their passing in 2005( Uncle ) and 2007 ( daddy ).

My Mother has had my cousin living in her home, and helping take care of her since Aug 2008, so I have had about a year to " recover " from some of the care taking of the past 7 years.

My cousins health has begun to deteriorate , so she will be moving out in a couple of months. I am toying with the idea of moving my Mother in my home. Although she will have a fit, her living alone is out of the question. My husband ,and I are both self employed ,and I do all my work from my home. My concern is " will I be able to do this? ". At the time of my Dad's passing in 07 , I was a complete total nervous wreck . I was extremely depressed, and my health was deteriorating very rapidly. As I said I have had some recovery time , and now am feeling "almost normal "again.

Sorry my post is long, but I would love some advice from others who have moved a parent in their home. Will I lose myself ,and health yet again ? Can I live with the unmerited "guilt" should I choose a nursing home ,or assisted living ? Mother is very hard to deal with, can get very angry , sullen , won't bath , or do "anything " sometimes, she is also starting to become incontinent . Other days are better , and she is manageable, but most days she just sits and stares without saying a word. She initiates very little conversation with anyone.

Do I have any help ?? No ; not much at all , a very occasional 2-3 hour break from a family member is about all I can count on.

Thanks for any advice from someone who has been where I am. Right now I am feeling very overwhelmed, knowing that she needs me soooo much, but that I have to take care of me to :-(

~ I love my Mother dearly ~ :-)

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Old 09-13-2009, 01:37 PM   #2
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Re: Needing Some Advice ...Long Post !

I guess the answer is - "depends" Although sometimes the answer is "Depends!" sorry - little ALZ humor there.

You will hear from other citizens of our group who did take in Mom or Dad. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

I didn't move my Dad in with me, although I guilty that I didn't. I'm glad I didn't --he needed full time care, and I couldn't put job, family, my health on the back burner until he was gone. Honestly, I would have lost too much ground in my life. It sounds selfish, but it's the truth.

Something that seems to be a constant in a lot of ALZ caretaker stories was they went way beyond the call of duty - and in some cases sanity - keeping Mom or Dad at home. They say "I don't need to think about a NH now, I'll worry about that later." Then it gets just a little bit stranger and they say "Oh, they are having a bad day, I shouldn't have upset them." Then there is a huge crisis, the LO has beaten their child, run away, caused a dangerous situation and they wonder "Why can't I deal with this, it's just a little bit worse than yesterday, tomorrow it should be better." It's hard to see the big picture when you are making decisions based on their behavior right that minute. When they can't take it anymore and it's time to make the move to a NH there is a mad scramble.

I went through all that with my Mom, trying to get him in a home. We waited until there was a giant crisis and making decisions during a giant crisis isn't good.

The best advice I can give is don't move NORMAL - don't justify staying in a situation that is out of control because it's just a little bit worse than yesterday. Plan that at some point you will need to move her into a NH, find one and figure out how you will do it. Put her name on a waiting list if they have a long one. If it works out and you can keep her at home until the end, great - if not you have a safety net set up. Mentally prepare to use it. Look at the big picture, don't get caught up in the trap of "It's just a little bit worse today, I can manage."

I really think my Dad lived longer and was happier in the NH. There was a lot more activity there. At home he didn't have anything to do but follow my Mom around. Being home reminded him of all the things he was supposed to be able to do but were confusing to him. Will your Mom feel lost and out of place at your house? The hospital like authority of the staff made things easier for him, with my Mom or me he would argue about taking a shower - or anything else.

Understand that for us the thought of a NH would be horrible, but all the stuff that we like to do at home - garden, read, hobbies, watching movies on the sofa isn't usually doable by an ALZ patient. The NH gave my Dad activity that wasn't stressful to him.

Last edited by teapot; 09-13-2009 at 01:39 PM.

Old 09-13-2009, 01:42 PM   #3
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Re: Needing Some Advice ...Long Post !

Welcome to the board somewhere out there We have all battled with the same feelings you have right now and have all been in your shoes. This is a great place for advice, information, emotional support, or just blowing off steam in the presence of those that truly understand. I hate you needed to find us but glad you did!!

First, there is no guilt to be felt whether you put your Mom in a nurseing home, locked ALZ unit, assisted living, or bring her home with you. If you make the best decision for you and your Mom then you have done all that you can do and there is no room for guilt.

In my case, Mom has ALZ and Dad has vascular dementia. We tried keeping them at home as long as possible. We tried a little too long and a little too hard. Disaster day arrived and we were forced to do something different. My only regret is that we waited as long as we did. Dad adjusted fairly well to AL but Mom never did. Yet I can not feel guilty because she would have surly been worse at home. We made the right decision at the time for all of us.

Recently I have had to move them both to a locked ALZ unit. Again, Dad adjusted fairly well but Mom ended up in a behavioral unit for med adjustment. She never has and never will be easy to deal with. But right now they are both greatly deteriorated but in a happier place than they have been in years. Again, there is no guilt because this was the best decision for everybody involved.

As for your concerns, yes they are very valid. I saw myself going down hill rapidly trying to keep Mom and Dad at home. Driving hours in the middle of the night was wearing me down. Stress eating was blowing me up and destroying my health. The night Mom and Dad first slept in their AL room was the first night in a long time that I slept soundly all night. So any decision you make has to take into consideration not only your parents but yourself as well. With so many other diseases your loved one will cooperate with you but in dementia, they are in a world of their own that has no consideration or contact with your world. You will end up a prisoner to the disease.

I too love my parents dearly. I am a Daddy's girl and if there was any way to do anything different and keep my sanity and keep him safe I would.... but having them in a locked ALZ unit is the best for them. I can not watch him 24/7/365 and make sure he doesn't wander out into the world. I am not strong enough to fend off his agression when he is sundowning and doesn't understand the world around him. I can't feed him, bath him, take care of his medical needs, socialize him, entertain him, and be patient with him all at the same time. I can love him just as dearly where there are fresh faces every 8 hour, trained staff, and support personnel to do the many things he needs.. some of which I would never be able to give him. So I love him enough to put him where he needs to be and for that I have no reason to feel guilty

Keep typing. We are all here to listen, lend our expierences, and support you. Here's your first towel. You are going to need it. You can dance with it, cry in it, flip people with it, cover your head with it if needed, or just hold on to it because we have the other end

Again, welcome to the board and I hope you find a home here!

Love, deb

PS... A couple more things I thought of. There is a major adjustment each time you move Mom so think ahead a bit. Sometimes moves have to occur but know what you are getting into when you move Mom home with you so you don't have to possibly move her again in a short time.

The other thing is, if you do move Mom home with you please find a day care or activity center that she can do to on a regular basis to give yourself time away from her. Or hire help at night so you can sleep, or during the day so you can get away. Dementia patients know how to dance on your last nerve and you are going to need sleep and some down time for you

Last edited by Gabriel; 09-13-2009 at 01:47 PM.

Old 09-13-2009, 02:10 PM   #4
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Re: Needing Some Advice ...Long Post !

Thanks Deb, I'm glad I found your group also, and thanks for the towel ;right now I'm using it to cry in :-( and I'm sure tomorrow I'll need it for some of the other reasons you mentioned. I will be back to talk some more later , sounds like you definitely understand where I'm coming from. Just to find someone who understands is very encouraging.
Love & prayers, Vicki :-)

Old 09-13-2009, 02:15 PM   #5
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Re: Needing Some Advice ...Long Post !

Thanks teapot , I think the fact that Mother isn't interested in "doing " anything anymore bothers me the most . She was always so active, and always into something. She is so sad, depressed, and faraway . I just want to "fix" it for her but I can't . Pray I will make the right decision . Luv & prayers, Vicki

Old 09-13-2009, 03:53 PM   #6
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Re: Needing Some Advice ...Long Post !

My opinion, and that's all it is, based on my experience:

Every move is very confusing, unsettling and difficult for a dementia victim. Every new house, new person, new routine is difficult.

A person in stage 5 or 6 needs round the clock care.

A person in that stage left alone can set the house on fire having forgotten how to use the stove, coffee maker, toaster, etc.

Your basic job as a loving daughter is to make sure your Mom is safe, takes any medications she needs on a regular basis, and is not in a position where she can hurt herself or anyone else (driving a car into a group of children, setting the house on fire, hitting her grandchildlren, etc.)

I did it both ways - first moving in with Mom for 5 years, later enrolliing her in a NH. The 5 yrs of home care were terrible for me. And to an extent unsafe for Mom. Once she climbed up on a chair, a hassock, and a few phone books to get down a bag of medicines -- after I had 'hidden' them up there to keep her from taking more than 1 day's supply at a time. I was at work at the time and nothing happened - I noticed the bag was down when I returned. Could have been a disaster, just one of many.

My feeling now - we should have placed Mom in a good facility at least when she entered stage 5, after my 4th year with her. It would have been safer for her, and would have saved me that final year of anxiety, worry, sleeplessness (she awoke me all night long) and aggravation. Her money would have run out soner, and she would have been placed in Medicaid sooner, no difference.

Guilt for having placed her in a NH is not a rational feeling. We want to be superwoman but we are not. We think we can do a better job than a round the clock team of 3 shifts of nurses, but we can't. We think Mom will be happier with her loving daughter, but she isn't. In fact twards the end she had no idea who I was, she knew the NH personnel better.

I am convinced we did the right thing, but I know people who kept their loved one at home until the bitter end and lived to tell about it - barely. Who is right? Both of us. I did what was right for me, she did what was right for her. Are either of us wrong or stupid or guilty? Of course not.

Good luck as you make your plans. You are on a hard road through no fault of your own ; I will pray for you.



Last edited by Martha H; 09-13-2009 at 03:55 PM.

Old 09-13-2009, 04:13 PM   #7
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Smile Re: Needing Some Advice ...Long Post !

Thanks Martha for your opinion, that's what I need right now is advice and opinions from people who have been there done that . Opinions are a dime a dozen , but there are only worthwhile if you have " traveled the road" , and this group evidently has .

I keep trying to " convince " myself that she is not as bad as I actually think, that maybe I am being a little dramatic, but in my heart of hearts " I know ".
I try to decipher and make sense of her moods , and sullen behaviors . I blame it on depression , and grief of losing Daddy. Actually , she rarely ever mentions Daddy. Maybe , I am in denial , or the fact that I just want my Mother back. Whatever the case it's pure cruel torture to see someone you love so dearly experience this terrible monster called ALZ.
There are not enough emotion Icons on this page to display my feelings right now .

Thanks again for your support and prayers , I need them both immensely

Old 09-13-2009, 04:57 PM   #8
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Re: Needing Some Advice ...Long Post !

Welcome Somewhere!

I am one of the posters that had made the decision to do it myself, at home. Maybe this will give you a different perspective.

Mom died in Oregon in 2004. We live in Colorado, and moved daddy here with us shortly after she passed as he was showing early signs of dementia. I quit my career to stay home with him, and we moved him into the duplex next door to us. For the first couple of years, he was still driving, and although I cooked and delivered every meal to him, and spent a lot of time with him, he could still make coffee, clean up his dishes, tend to the yard, etc.

By 2007, it was clear that he was in stage 6. I (and be aware - I have a husband and young son at home) was not doing more full care. He was now doing strange stuff - putting dishes in the washing machine, collecting and stacking rocks everywhere, making little piles of "stuff" that was important to him - and the doctor had a visiting nurse come by and a social worker. They found him to be "barely" able to live "independantly", even though he was anything but independant. I just kept closer watch, and spent more and more time at his house.

By the beginning of this year, it was getting scary. I really should have placed him, but I just couldn't do it. So my work got harder. He became totally incontenant, no longer knew my name or our relationship, and by February, I was occassionally feeding him. His ability to walk was becoming less and less every day, and by March, he was falling almost daily. I was now spending 14 hours a day with him.

May 14, it finally hit me that if I left him alone in his house one more day, it could be catastrophic. We moved him into our home. At that point, he degressed every single day.

Hospice was called in by daddy's doctor on August 1. I was sooooo in denial, I thought they were wasting their time. Of course, he was in Depends full time, no longer able to use the toilet at all. He was being fed by me, chopped and pureed food. He was almost non verbal. Able to nod yes or no, and could squeeze my hand. He was bedfast, and when I would pick him up and put him in his wheelchair so I could strip his bed, he didn't sit straight and wanted to go right back to bed.

It got worse than that. Pureed food became too much for him to swallow, and he stopped eating even baby food by August 12. Same day, he stopped drinking liquids. Oh, he would try,then choke and choke. Per hospice's instructions, I stopped making him drink.

He went into a semi-coma August 14. He would squeeze my hand, but could not speak at all, his eyes were half open staring into nothingness, and he died, here in his own bed in our home August 17 at 7:12a.m.

If I had it all to do again, would I place him? I don't think so. I COULD do it, so I DID do it. But before anyone thinks of doing this at home, realize that my marriage was seriously strained, our 13 yr old son was shoved aside as I worked many hours a day with my dad, I gained 40 lbs.

Now that daddy is gone, I am still trying to get used to the idea that I can grab the keys, my purse and get in the car and go. I haven't done that for YEARS. Like, 4 years! I can go to the store - and not have a firecracker under my butt to get home. I can go to the mall (!), and stay for a whole hour if I want. I can get my son off to school and sit at the computer and drink coffee for as long as I want. I can run the vacuum without worrying about disturbing daddy, and my son can have a buddy over for overnight.

I would trade all that to have my daddy back for one hour. But that is not to be.

It was the most wonderful, horrible, joyous, terrible, enriching, loving thing I have ever done. I loved my daddy with all my heart, and I miss him with every breath I take.

I wish you every blessing as you make this tough decision. It's the hardest job I ever loved.

...lil' deb

Old 09-13-2009, 05:06 PM   #9
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Re: Needing Some Advice ...Long Post !

Should you move your mom in with you?....well that depends on your mom and how demanding she is or how demanding she may become and how much care is involved etc etc?
Last year I was so confident to bring mom in and did so on a trial basis. There is too much to put into words right now, but by the time she left I was drained. It was at this time that I realized that mom needed more care than what I could give her. If you must try can you not try this on a trial basis as I did without committing yourself as a permanent caregiver, until you are more sure?

Old 09-13-2009, 06:11 PM   #10
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Re: Needing Some Advice ...Long Post !

Okay -- let me tell you what a normal day was like for my sister -- my Mom's full-time, at home, caregiver.

Mother never slept, so up and down all night long. Gets up around 5:30 tries to dress herself and can't so she goes and wakes up sister whose not really sleeping anyway. So up. Sister takes Mom into bathroom -- "no don't want to wash, don't want to put bra on -- pushes sister out the door and screams and bangs on walls and sink counter. Sister calms her down so she won't wake us up next door.

Take Mom downstairs -- puts her on the couch to watch a little TV while sister starts to make breakfast _ Oh did I forget that sister didn't get a chance to dress? or Wash? Breakfast is underway, Mom screams and bangs on snack tray. She gets up and walks over to TV -- she doesn't like whats on -- she bangs on the TV screen and 'wham' short-circuits Sisters new flat screen.

Sister now has breakfast ready and goes to give Mom her medicines -- Mom fights her and bites her. She takes pills, goes to crush them and puts them into something - - Mom still refuses to eat. Oh she doesn't like breakfast made either and pushes the dish right across the table and bam -- all the food is all over the floor.

Sister tries to make more food, crying the entire time. Oh sister still not dressed or washed -- She needs to go to the bathroom -- Mom shadows her in there and stands in the doorway watching sister go. Mom won't go sit down.

Sister finally gets some food in Mom. She gets Mom to sit down on the couch, let's watch something -- Oh wait, the TV is now broken. Let's listen to Broadway play music Mom, you always liked Broadway plays right? Mom nods "yes". Sister puts CD from play on player.

Mom gets up to go over to player, sister thinks to listen better -- Oh no, Mom now pushed it off the counter screaming the entire time -- no music either.

I walk in -- beautiful sunny day outside, weather nice and plesant. There's the two of them in the living room sitting on the couch. Sister crying and Mom there patting her hand. She's got bite marks on arm from Mom -- there's food on the floor, the TV is broken and the CD doesn't work. The curtains are drawn and some have blankets over them "why?" because Mom screams about the sun --

The mirror has a blanket over it as well because Mom screamed when she saw herself in the mirror.

Its now time for lunch -- it goes a little better. Sister is exhausted and wants to just sleep for an hour, begs Mom to take a nap. Mom takes about a 15-20 minute catnap, gets up and goes to pinch sister awake.

Sister decides to get Mom to help plant plastic flowers in a flower pot. That goes okay -- now its time for dinner.

Oh sister is still in pj's and hasn't washed herself all morning.

Now its time for dinner -- sister is in kitchen cooking, Mom is right in ther with her, banging on the table, and screaming. I come home from work and try to distract Mom so sister can get some things done. No go. Mom screams even more and pushes me out of the room. She wants my sister. Sister trying to cook and Mom is pulling on her shirt. Its dark from all the windows being covered. Its stale air because Mom doesn't want any fans or windows open.

Dinner done but Mom doesn't want to eat. Sister is forcing her to eat and get some liquid inside of her. Mom is content for a few minutes.

Now what to do the rest of the night? TV broke, Radio doesn't work, window's darkened and not open to fresh air. . . . And sister is ready for bed because she's still in her pj's. She tries to get Mom to go upstairs with her and tries to get her settled in bed to watch a little of TV.

They both fall asleep -- Mom for 15-20 minutes and tries to get out of bed. See one thing -- Mom pees about every 15 minutes and sister doesn't and won't put a diaper on her yet "its not time for that".

The yelling? Sister justifies it by saying she's trying to talk with me.
The Banging? Sister is as aggravated by it as everyone is.
The biting, kicking, pinching -- "oh its okay, she doesn't do it everyday, tomorrow will be better?".

Wait, what is Mom trying to do now? uh oh, she's trying to get dressed because she woke up from her 15 minute nap and now she thinks its morning again. Fights with sister whose trying to get her to sleep.

Fast forward a few months -- most is still the same except we have Ativan now but sister won't give her enough to knock her out. Mom still not sleeping. Thankfully during doctor visit all other medicines were suggested to be stopped, sister argues the opposite and after a week of struggling to get them into her, sister finally gave up. but now sister is crying all the time. She is frustrated, she wants her Mom back -- she thinks not giving her the meds is going to have her die overnight -- she doesn't want the inevitable to happen.

I'm there telling her that she can't see the tree from the forest. That she can't see how abusive Mom is "no she's not, she says". How Mom doesn't sleep "she sleeps, she said -- but only for a little bit of time throughout the day".

oh and did I say that the very next day -- sister is still in the same pj's? and looks like hell. She says "its not important that I get dressed, as long as Mom is dressed".

So there you have one or two days of a caregiver sentence. My mother was a nasty and abusive woman in life and on planet alzheimer its more of the same only its now everyday.

Take the worse day in your life and double it -- that is a day when someone has the illness. NOT everyone get nasty but everyone at some time or othe does not sleep through the night. Everyone doesn't get combative but everyone gets to a time where they don't want to wash and get dressed. Everyone doesn't lose their speech but everyone gets the point where they don't know their surroundings or their loved ones.


Old 09-14-2009, 07:07 AM   #11
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Re: Needing Some Advice ...Long Post !

Dear Caring Sister, Diane... this is an awesome letter. It ought to be published. It ought to be sent to anyone planning to take full time care of an Alzheimer patient. It would help them to see into the future, and make plans accordingly.

I always said, if Mom becomes incontinent and poops in her pants I will put her in a nursing home. Well, this one time was just an accident. Well, it isn't her fault if she can't control her bowels. It was caused by the Aricept. It was caused by the food she ate. Next time I will get her to the toilet in time.

She only went to the NH after falling and breaking her hip.

Sooner would have been better AND prevented that accident!



Old 09-14-2009, 07:33 AM   #12
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Re: Needing Some Advice ...Long Post !

A harsh response. I tried to have my mum live with our family, giving up a loved job to do so. Mum was a gentle, quiet soul but even so it was 24/7 non stop. A two storey house/stairs/mum wanting to help and the danger of switching on appliances/taps running/things you don't think of. I moved her to a secure unit...I was devastated, she was overjoyed, people around day and night, singalongs, bus outings, dances etc. I could sleep and didn't realise how unwell I was. Does stress have a hand in cancer? Appears to be no other reason for mine. I cannot begin to imagine how you ladies cope with aggression as well, you have my undying admiration. My BIL however was not allowed to come home with us by the hospital authorities as he was considered a danger to us and himself. They placed him in a secure unit. My guilt has gone....I did the only thing that kept mum safe and happy and BIL, after a tumultuous month, reverted back to his firefighter days and kept the unit safe from harm very happily. I don't know that I will ever get over the resentment that two people. one a nurse of 40 years and the other a firefighter, both lovely people who worked hard and harmed no-one, enjoying their retirement and still helping others, should have had to leave us in mind while their bodies were so healthy. This, not guilt, still has me weeping in the night.

Old 09-14-2009, 07:41 AM   #13
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Re: Needing Some Advice ...Long Post !

Diane, thank you for expressing the words some of us weren't able to relate. When I first came on this board and you would relate about your mom, I would think, oh, that's not my mom, she's not that bad, but here we are a few months later and mom has no been thru several phases since and yes on some days she is that bad, right now she isn't the nicest, is verbally and at times phsically aggressive and abusive to those around her. She's been very paranoid and thinks everyone is trying to kill her, has even accused her closest family members.
She's moving into a new Nursing
Home this morning and she's got the roommates she said she always wanted. She met them yesterday and right in front of them said " I hope they don't come and steal my stuff" Not off to a nice start mom.

Not everyone goes through a hostile stage, not every one with this disease ends up going through all the stages, but do keep in mind that your loved one may go either way?
A few short months ago, mom wasn't able to connect to a phone ringing and a few months later. something clicked and she's been calling obsessively ever since. What your mother is today may not be the same woman she may be in future months ahead.


Old 09-14-2009, 09:31 AM   #14
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Re: Needing Some Advice ...Long Post !

Dear Somewhereoutthere,
Welcome to the board! As you can already tell, you'll get lots of good advice and support here from a variety of situations. You've already gotten some great answers. Everyone's circumstances are different. Whether it will work for you and your mom depends on your particular details.

For me, it's working well to have my mother-in-law in our home. She's 85 and in stage 6. I am disabled myself and haven't worked in several years. I have to be very careful not to lift or let her bear her weight on me in any way. So far, so good. The biggest issue here is the mess and smell, but I've been able to deal with it pretty well. It means keeping on top of it, sanitizing the bathroom several times a day, using the products people here have recommended like Odoban, which gets rid of the new odors every morning.

When my MIL first came, we immediately realized how unsanitary she was and determined areas of the house where she would not be allowed to go. She isn't allowed into the side of the kitchen where food is prepared and dishes washed. We don't tell her that, we just quickly usher her to her chair and she's gotten used to being on that side of the room. In the living room, we don't want her on the sofa, since she sometimes manages to get the outside of her clothing soiled. Until I get her cleaned up, I don't want our few expensive and nice pieces of furniture becoming unusable. She has a nice padded rocking chair and a recliner that she can sit in. Again, we just usher her to the acceptable places and she doesn't realize that she's not "allowed" to sit in certain places.

She's never been a person who stood up for herself very much. As sad as that was for her during her life, it's made it easier for me. Not that I trample her! Please don't misunderstand! But if I tell her it's time for a shower, or let's go this way instead of that way, she pretty much goes along with it. She sometimes digs her heels in, but she hasn't been aggressive at all.

She'll eat whatever I give her, she'll wear whatever I put out for her, she'll read whatever I hand her, she'll watch (for a few minutes) whatever I put on the TV for her. But, of course, she doesn't understand basic logic. She wants to do things I can't let her do, like go for a walk by herself. Or use tweezers herself to pluck out facial hair. Or wash her hearing aids. She needs constant supervision. It's not easy, and I need to be constantly flexible, but aside from the hygiene issues, it's not nearly as hard as I thought it would be.

It depends very much on her temperament and yours. There are lots of things you can do to make it work physically, but the emotional part can be very stressful. You can turn off the breakers to your stove, put child safety handles on doorknobs where needed, make her closet unable for her to open if she tends to put soiled clothing away (I can tell her how to do this even with the sliding doors), and all that other stuff. But you need to keep your sanity. As has already been mentioned, you need to have breaks yourself. I take MIL to adult day care two days a week. That gives me a break and a chance to do all the errands that would be too difficult hauling her along. On weekends, hubby and I tag team with her. And we even got a date night this past weekend! We fed her early, put her to bed, and our 20 year old son stayed in the house with her while we went out. There are lots of creative things you can do to make it work.

That said, it's not for everyone. If you decide to put her in assisted living or some other type of facility, no one will look down on you for that. That's the best solution for many people. You'll still have a lot to deal with, but the physical caring will be on someone else's strong shoulders, someone who is paid well to do it and doesn't have emotional strings attached to it.

Whatever you decide to do, there will be an adjustment period and you'll surely have lots of questions. The wonderful ladies here have helped me over and over again with their love, encouragement, and support. Come back as often as you need to!

I wish you the best as you make this difficult decision!


Last edited by BlueAtlas; 09-14-2009 at 09:34 AM.

Old 09-14-2009, 10:41 AM   #15
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 7
somewherouthere HB User
Re: Needing Some Advice ...Long Post !

Thanks so much to all you wonderful ladies. I feel like I have gleaned much advice & info already. Its great to hear several different view points based on personal experiences. Has anyone ever heard of ,or had any experience with an organization called Visiting Angels ? It is a non medical paid service that allows the patient to stay in their own home, which is better for Mother & me if that could happen. They provide help with meals, hygeine , meds and various other services.....

I'm thinking of investigating this option in conjunction with Home Health Services . It is another option I have placed on the table.
I had Mother 24/7 for 4 days last week ,and by Friday night when she went back to her home I was totally spent.

I spent most of the weekend lying around ,and or in bed. Not a very good weekend for me & hubby. After having some time to think , and reading all the post I don't think moving her in my home is the best option for me or her at this point.

She has just started hiding her soiled clothes. Last week she began responding to "Good Morning Mother " with a wave . She rarely will hold a conversation or talk with me anymore.
She also has begun to " get my attention" by tapping on the breakfast table.

I do totally agree with Martha that every move is very hard for an ALZ patient . In fact any change in Mother's schedule at all totally rocks her world .

Still praying & weighing all my options ~ Love to all , Vicki

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