a widowed neighbor called my 82 year old father to meet for coffee. he sved the message she left and let me hear it. he was crying while i was listening. i was a little shocked, but i said i thought it was great. he asked my permission to meet her. i told him he doesnt need my permission and then he told me he already called her back and asked her to lunch. he felt so guilty about my mom passing and its just 4 months. i guess he really didnt feel guilty enough! he has since taken her to a movie and dinner. i am so happy he has a companion to do things with. i worry less about him. do you think this is normal? there is no marriage in the future-just company for him. my brother is fine with this, but his wife got upset which i could care less. i think i feel happy for him.
Take it from someone who is a widow. Having that companionship and where it leads is great. It'll help your Dad live longer. He isn't being disloyal to your Mom or her memory. Look at it like I have about my situation:
I didn't know true love until my Mikey came into my life, caused me to open my heart, and I was taught what and how great my God's love is through the love of my good man. Now I am free to know and give that love to someone else. It was a testament to how wonderful my marriage was, my life with Mikey was, and how much we loved one another. My heart was NOT hardened or cold, and i knew I didn't want to close up my heart from loving again. So loving someone is my gift to Michael who taught me so much.
I now have a boyfriend. Whose nothing like Mikey but yet he sees in me my goodness of my soul and my heart. And I am able to share the unconditional love I have.
So love your Dad, be happy for your Dad. Encourage the relationship. Invite her to family events and sharing a meal occasionally. If you find that they are sharing a bed, be happy that he is able to love another and realize that his liking or loving the companionship is a gift from him to your Mother who taught him what love is all about.
I wouldn't even be upset with anyone who gets solace and companionship when one's spouse is in incurable, irreversible situations that occurs. As long as it doesn't interfere with their support and caring of that loved one.
I am soo happy for him Deb. God is giving him a chance for happiness again. And while it may seem like 4 short months -- it is also the fact that I realize as a widow that Life can be so short, as mine was and that of my boyfriend's wife. My husband died at 48, his wife died 8 years ago at 46. You've got to take life when its given to you.
Diane (aka CaringSister54)
Last edited by caringsister54; 10-13-2009 at 01:08 PM.
but Deb one more thing. make sure their relationship is 'even'. What I mean is the lady should treat your father to a meal or two. Make sure your father's assets are protected as well.
Unfortunately my friends Dad found companionship with someone in his condo building and without his kids knowledge (they all lived a distance away), she convinced him to shell out money for a cruise for her and her girlfriends and such saying "if you loved me, you'd . . ." and he was so desperate for her time and attention that he did.
When she heard that his kids were coming to move him into a facility due to his ill health, she came down and helped herself to stuff "you're not going to need anymore where you're going". And she left never looking back. She never reached out to him, never checked on how he's doing, nothing. He no longer served a purpose.
Thankfully it was caught before he lost everything.
I'm not saying this is the case for your Dad but sit down and have a heart-to-heart and just tell him that if anything doesn't seem right to him, he can come to you to discuss that it won't hurt you in anyway.
I'd like to think God thought him a good enough man to send him someone else to love him as he should be loved and allow him to love another.
Be thankful that your mother taught him how to love. It has been more than 4 months since your mother died hon. For your father she died when she no longer could be with him as the girl he once knew! He has suffered for a looonnggg time. Be happy for him. He is probably glad to have someone his own age to talk with after all this time.
I totally agree!!! It is a wonderful and amazing thing that your Dad has been able to open his life to someone else. The companionship will do him a world of good.
I chuckled at Diane's suggestion that you lady pay for part of the outings. I am not sure that is going to happen with that age group. They grew up in a very different time and with a different mindset. It is the man's job to take care care of the lady. End of story. Going dutch and equality is just not there.
I am with IBake. your Dad lost his wife many years ago. He stayed with her and loved her until the end. Now it is his time. Yes, there are some that can't understand the need for companionship for others. They can't see through their little fog to the happiness of others. So pooh on the Sister in Law!! Just keep an eye on what is going on for a while but I bet you it will be fine. I say.... Go Dad!!!! Live life to the fullest.
I have mixed feelings. I'm happy your Dad is feeling well and is able to have a new relationship. I know he grieved for your Mom long before she actually went.
Yet, four months feels too short. It must be a generational thing. (I am 70). It also bothers me that the woman called and invited him. I have some widowed friends and more divorced ones. Some of them are happy, as I am, to be alone and living their own lives their own way for the first time. Others feel desperate to 'get' another man, and whenever a woman dies, they cast their line out to catch the newly widowed man. I have seen these experiments fail time and time again ... the man is simply not ready, and the woman is left disappointed afer a hard campaign to get him on the hook!
If new romance ever comes my way, I will be thankful. But I would never call a newly bereaved man and ask him to come over for a cup of coffee. Maybe it is a generational thing .. yet my acquaintances who do it are up to 84 years old!
Martha , I respect your feelings. but he dont have time to wait. im 60 and lost my love last Nov. we had a great marriage of 40 years. i will never ever forget him but im ready to live the present and not the past. iv dont have time to wear the black dress for 5 years. as they did in the olden days. life is way too short. and if he is happy so be it. as long as she dont take advantage of it. always keep your guard up on everyone even your love ones. so we cant get hurt or taken advantage of. my best friend is the one you are talking about. 2 years after her spouse pass . a guy that lost his wife 4 months and he starting dating her. and she fell for him. we all knew what he was doing. she had money and he didnt. she had known him since childhood. so she would say to me when I tried to talk to her. she said dont take my blessing away from me. if I can put a smile on his face. but into the relationship. after remolding his house. buy him a $58,000 truck and her taking in his granddaugher and buying her everyone. dancing lesstion etc. they got engage 6 months . and the whold time he was seeing someone else. he used her big time. so you see things do happen. just keep good sense here. and he is 82. and god dont expect us to live forever. so if he is happy. more power to him. it takes all kinds of happiness in this world faye
It is true debbie It may have been only 4 months since your mom passed but it has been a long time since your dad lost the woman he knew.
I see that with my dad now. He is grieving the loss of my mom. She is still here with us but he often says that is not the woman I knew in that room.
I think it is good for your dad to get out with other people women/ men. As far as a relationship developing further with a woman I am not to sure that will happen so soon. He needs to thread lightly on this. Enter the cold water slowly!!! Watch out for the sharks!!! Some woman as Martha mentioned can be sharks ready to grab onto that newly widowed person. We would never want your dad to be taken advantage of financially nor emotionally.
thank all of you for your responses. i am very happy for my dad, but i guess it may bother me a little. i can get over that feeling very quickly. after reading your posts, i do realize my dad lost my mom years ago to dementia. just as i lost my mom. i just want him to be happy. my dad has no money to speak of and this new companion has offered to pay half some of the time. of course i will and do watch him like a hawk as i have been for the past couple of years. his happiness makes me happy. my mom shoed him the way-you guys are right!
I just read your post with my Mom. My Dad has Vascular Dementia and my Mom is the main care giver. As you, we live in a Chicago suburb. I am only 37 y/o and I would love for my Mom to meet a guy to spend time with her. Ignore your sister-in-law, your Dad deserves companionship. I would suggest my Mom; but she is only 67. My Dad is alive, but my Mom should go to coffee or lunch with a nice guy. I know that my Dad is her main priority, but she should still be happy.
Hey, Debbie...hate you are dealing with these issues as well as your other ones. I think one of the most wonderful examples of how to treat the "oddities" of our elder parents and relatives is that of Justice Sandra Day O'Connor and her husband. He has AD and lives in a facility....he has "fallen in love" with another AD patient. Justice O'Connor has no problem with the situation as it makes him happy and he has no idea that she's still his wife. What a wonderful example of making lemonade with lemons.....
Your father is just lonely and looking for companionship. I wish my mother had done that. She had many opportunities after my father died but chose, instead, to be consumed with negatives. Her opportunities soon disappeared as a result - and therefore the rest of the family had to deal with her negativism and eventual prescription drug addiction. (nothing like a 79 yr old woman doing 100 valium a month and a halcyon every night!)
I hope it all works out for you. Just be watchful.
I would have given everything I own, everything I will ever own and half of my husbands stuff if only my daddy would have found "love" again. To see him happy would have been all I would have ever needed.
I would have moved Heaven and Earth to make him happy. And I would have rejoiced had he found a lady-friend.
i am so happy for him because i see that he is happy. josie, which suburb do you live in? we are in highland park. titchou, i was so surprised to see your post! thank goodness for all of these boards. dementia was the hardest thing to go thru. i will and always will be watchful of my dad. he means the world to me.
We live in Orland Park and I agree that experiencing this illness is the hardest thing to go thru. My Dad is still with us but his long/short term memory is very limited. I want my Mom to meet a nice guy to spend time with. My Mom is still young and she would never let anyone take advantage of her. She would always put my Dad first; but she deserves to spend time with others. Highland Park is north of where we live, but my Dog has an internist in Northbrook. I do respond on here with my Mom and she thinks my response is silly. Take care.