Wow Kat... you do have a lot to consider and a lot going on. It is amazing how rapidly things can change after staying the same for so long.
First Alz is nothing more than one of the many forms of dementia. So technically he has both. As is mom's diagnosis, she has sever dementia consistent with ALZ. Dad has Vascular Dementia which is just another type of Dementia. The words are used to interchangeably it's sometimes difficult to straighten them out.
Mom and Dad were moved from home to assisted living when Mom was Diagnosed. She had been Dad's caregiver for years. We have had the same violent outburst from both and both have wandered. It was this that initiated us moving them both to a locked unit. Mom did end up in Geriatric Behavioral med for a while but with the proper medication she was able to go back to the same locked unit Dad was. Later we had to separate them for a period of a few months but they are now back together in the locked unit. It is always something that precipitates the need for change
I am a little surprised that your Dad was sent to the geriatric psych unit involuntarily when Hospice was involved!? I can see the need for a locked facility if he is wandering. But I also know that all of this can be control with medication.
Also Mom was involuntarily committed (a cluster bumble of craziness that was the fault of the hospital) but after her 5 day stay she was went back to the facility without further court proceedings. I guess each state is different.
I do understand the impossible situation of having parents in two different facilities. It will run you to death and cause stress on your parents if they are aware of the separation and not in agreement with it. In my case I tried to move heaven and earth to get them back together. That was Mom's wish. If it had not been for Mom's deterioration at the same time as Dad they would have been in the same facility in separate units. It just so happened that they both failed simultaneously so we were able to put them both in a locked unit.
I also understand your last statement. You get so wrapped up in doing what is necessary you don't take time for yourself to feel the things you need to feel and work through. That will happen when it is over. Embrace it and do what you need to do for yourself at that time.
Take your cue from you Mom. She is the one that has had the burden of care giving (even in the AL facility) and it should be her call where she goes now. She may be ready for a separation to recover her own emotional well being or she may be set on staying beside her hubby and continuing on the path that has been thrust upon her. As long as she can make rational decisions let her decide.
I truly hate that you needed to find us and I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I remember it so well and do understand. Just know that we are here, welcome you to our little corner of the dementia land, and hope you stay for a while. Grab a towel. You will need it. You can cry into it, us it to tie up your worries, pop those that annoy you, wrap it around yourself for comfort, but most of all know we have the other end