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Old 03-11-2010, 05:04 AM   #1
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Nursing home concerns

Hi All,

I do not know what to do. On one hand I have my Mom telling me that she does not want to tell me anything, and I asked her if she was scared to talk to me about the nursing home and she said no. I said are you afraid of me and what I might say or do if you tell me things that are going on in the nursing home and she said yes. I said Mom I know I tend to be overprotective of you, but you are so passive. She said well you embarrass me when you call and I said I am so sorry. What was the last incident that I called and embarrassed you? She said well the other day you called Buffy (Mom's day nurse) and she came in and whisper something to Holly (mom's day aide) and then Holly made a rude comment to my Mom, but my Mom could not remeber what it was about. When we brought my Mom back to the Alz unit after her fall and dislocation of her thumb, Holly tapped her on the shoulder and said next time you will listen to me won't you? My Mom says that she gets dizzy and light headed. I call the nursing home and talk to them and to honestly tell them that I am ignorant to the process of someone living in a nursing home, but I want to work with them as a team. When I have a care meeting or I call and question anything about my Mom (Day nurse and day aide only) They get very upset with me, like what right do I have to question them. The day nurse said that mom is making this stuff up because she wants out of the nursing home and she knows how to work me. As I have stated many times I hate this disease, and I know that Mom is not all there these days she is middle to early late stage. It is so hard because my Mother has never lied to me in my life. Is she telling me the truth and reaching out for help or is the day nurse right when saying that mom is exaggerating. I do not want to let Mom down. Mom has told me of two times the aide has been rude to her, my sister heard the aide be rude to her and niece heard the aide be rude to my Mom. I want to call a care meeting and first tell them that what we say needs to stay confidential and second I do not want the aide around my Mother anymore or I am moving her to a new nursing home. I need everyones thoughts on this, it sure would help. I do not really want to have my Mom moved since she is in the same city as all four of her children. But I do not know if I am over reacting. Help!

Love,
Julie

 
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Old 03-11-2010, 06:02 AM   #2
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Re: Nursing home concerns

Julie, as I just wrote in my answer on another thread, you cannot believe anything a dementia victim says. Sad, but true.

That people are whispering about her and looking at her funny and talking behind her back is all part of the disease. The nurses probably said something about their dates last night! Your Mom may be going through that suspicious phase where everyone is conspiring against you and trying to 'do something' to you, and she is scared. If you cross examine her about who said what and who she is afraid of, she doesn't remember anything of the kind, but accomodates you by making something up.

The best way to insure good treament is to drop in at odd times. Early in the morning, late at night, during lunch. If you go at a predictable time and there is any neglect going on, they will know when to be on their best behavior.

I doubt if there is any misbehavior there. The nurse who said, 'next time you will listen to me' may have meant call us if you need to get up, don't try to walk so fast, etc. However as a worker in an ALZ unit she ought to know that 'remembering what I told you" is the reason these people are there - they can NOT remember what she told them!

Keep an eye on everything, but do not take every one of Mom's complaints seriously or you will go nuts. It is 'normal' for Dementia patients to see people who are not there, to accuse people of stealing their things or even hitting them, to accuse other patients of abuse or even rape. It is not a calculated effort to get to go home as that nurse told you - the dementia patient cannot calculate a plan of action. They would not be there if they could. None of it is planned or calculated, but they try to make sense of their feelings by making things up. If they are scared, someone must have scared them in some way, if they have a pain of a fall, someone must have hit them or pushed them.

I hope things calm down for you. Of course there ARE abuses in some places, which is why I won't say it is impossible. Just keep watch, note what you see. How do they treat other patients? Your own observations are more reliable than your Mom's memories, even memories of 10 minutes ago

Love,

Martha

Last edited by Martha H; 03-11-2010 at 06:05 AM.

 
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Old 03-11-2010, 08:30 AM   #3
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Re: Nursing home concerns

Martha,

I love you and your knowledge of this disease. I guess it just makes it easier on me to know that the person who is talking to me knows about Alz and has been through it.

I was wrong to have questioned my Mom and you are right when I started questioning her she could not remember what was said, she just knew it hurt her feelings.

I have read 90 minutes in heaven and I am now reading the 36 hour day. My Daughter bought me the Shack and I am going to read it next. I think the hardest part is that I can no longer trust what my Mother says, and I am 45 years old and have always had an open and honest relationship with her.

Maybe I am just morning for that part of my Mom that I have lost. But God bless you Martha for taking your time to help others and your knowledge is exceptional.

I called the social worker at the nursing home and she is going to sit down with me and explain more about alz to me, she was very nice when I asked her to meet. The hard part is I know everything you are saying is true, but my mind can just not wrap my heart around it. As always thanks for being one of my Angels as I try to deal with watching my dear sweet Mother dying one day at a time.

Love,
Julie B

 
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Old 03-11-2010, 09:59 AM   #4
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Re: Nursing home concerns

CAJ

on top of dropping in at odd hours and not on a fixed schedule, it doesn't hurt to bring them a bowl of fruit once in awhile, or a vase of flowers to 'brighten the place' or even a nice home-made cake or cookies.

These go a long way to let the caregivers know that they are thought about and are cared about just as much as the patients. I know that they are paid to do it, but it goes long way to have a 'special' one on Mom's side.

Take Care

your loving
CaringSister54

 
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Old 03-11-2010, 10:49 AM   #5
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Re: Nursing home concerns

Julie, Martha has given you great advice. It is not that Mom intentionally lies to you. She is truly being honest with you. The problem is that her perception is so very different from ours. She sees and hears things and they are scrambled in her brain. Her auditory input is probably not functioning properly so she is not understanding what she is hearing but she is putting meaning to it anyway. This is also about the time that the paranoia sets. In her mind every thing she sees or hears is about her when it fact it may have absolutely nothing to do with her.

I had the same problems with Mom. She would tell me things about the staff in AL that I knew for a fact were not true. She would say that they ignored her when the truth was she didn't remember them talking to her. She would tell me they refused to fix the washer when in fact the washer was not broken. She just didn't know how to operate it any longer and didn't know if the dryer was running or not. You open the door and it stops She would tell me of people that said things to her when they were not even at work. If you questioned her about what she had seen or heard it became more and more vague.

So the girls are right. Keep the dialogue going with the staff, learn all you can about the disease, and drop in on an irregular schedule to see for yourself what is going on. Remember that your Mom has a disease that clouds her perceptions and skews her memories. Know that she is being honest with you. She is just telling you what she perceives through the plaques and tangles. It is different from the reality that you perceive

Hope this is helpful and I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, deb

 
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Old 03-11-2010, 02:04 PM   #6
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Re: Nursing home concerns

i hate his disease, also. dont change her to another nh. i wanted to do that with my mom. but i realized it was not my mom talking, but the disease. she told me she was raped and beaten. at first i went crazy believeing her, but then i realized she was making this all up. its so hard to handle this i know. try to change the subject with your mom which i know is hard. from my experience the more patient you are, things seem to be a little bit easier.

 
Old 03-11-2010, 07:22 PM   #7
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Re: Nursing home concerns

I went through that with my mom for a little bit too. When I would come in to see her and the aide would be in her room Mom would say sure they are all nice and smiling now because your here... they weren't that way before.
I knew it was not mom but the disease speaking those words and didn't hold much truth to it. Especially when I spent so much of my time there at all different times and observed so many of the staff with all the patients.

Not to long after mom went through that phase she was telling me they are so good to me here I am in no hurry to go home.

Pauline

 
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