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Old 03-15-2010, 08:43 PM   #1
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Money, Money, Money

My mother took out $100 last week and now she can't find it. I found $40 in another wallet and gave it to her plus $12 so she had $52. Now today we went to Starbucks and she says she has no money and doesn't remember the $52 she had or what happened to it. Sometimes I think she it keeping it for when she wants to do something such as move back to Ontario Canada. There is no one there for her. I'm planning on taking out some money from her bank account (it is joint) and just tell her I have some money. She said the other day if I take out any money from her account that she'll go to the bank and take all her money out. If she asks me if I took the money from her bank account what should I tell her? She is very hard to deal with. All she seems to know is how to yell, swear and accuse me of stealing. I know it is the disease but it drives me She doesn't feel she needs any help. Yesterday I asked her if she would like to go out for lunch with my husband and me. She said "No"!! We went over to see her at her house and she said what are you doing here, I told you I didn't want to see you. The next minute she is complaining she is by herself all the time. I suggested she join a group where they pick her up and take her for the day on outings, meeting people and other activities and she doesn't want to do that. When she says to me I don't see anybody, which is what she says almost every time I see her. What should I tell her. All she says is I want to get the he ll out of here!! Oh boy! This kind of behavior is driving me

Help!!!

 
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Old 03-15-2010, 09:34 PM   #2
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Re: Money, Money, Money

Bear, you have to understand that she truly doesn't have a clue what she wants or what has happened. You can not take anything she says as gospel.

As for the money. She has NO idea where it is or if she ever had it. She has squirreled it away in some book or box or under the mattress. She may have given it to somebody or paid for something she doesn't remember. Bottom line is she has no idea what she has done with it. She just knows when there is not more there for her to see.

The same thing is true for her being alone. Mom would talk to people all day long but forget she saw them. She would tell me nobody had come by her room all day when i had been on the phone earlier with her when the caregivers were in the room talking to her. You can tell her they were there but that doesn't make any difference because she doesn't not remember it and will swear you are lying.

As for her wanting to go anywhere... she will tell you NO. She will tell you that because she really doesn't have a clue what you are asking her to do or concerned that she will not be able to do it. Anything new and different is very difficult for them to tackle because they don't have the ability to remember and therefore it is hard to adjust to new situations. I got to the point I didn't ask Mom if she wanted to go to lunch. I just showed up, handed her pocket book to her and said... let's go.

As for what to say... whatever works in the moment whether it's the truth or not. If you need money to pay her bills then don't tell her. Just do it. If she catches on that some money is missing then tell her it is a banking error and you will deal with it tomorrow. Anything promised tomorrow will probably be forgotten. As for saving money to go to Ontario.... I doubt it. Even if that is her intention she won't find where she put it

Just remember that you can't reason with her. You can't make her see your reality. You just have to two step and side step and listen to her rants.

I would suggest that you talk to her doctor about anti anxiety medication. If she is that upset most of the time then it is not good for her. The medication is not for you but for her because the emotional stress is not good for her. In the long run it will be beneficial to you as well but mostly to her. I would strongly recommend you talk to her doctor.

As for the accusations. That is part of the disease. Since they can't remember what they have said or done or what was said or done to them... then somebody has to be stealing or threatening or ignoring or otherwise being unjust to them. At some point during the disease almost all go through that paranoid stage. Again... anti anxiety medication is your mom's friends.

Hang in there. This stage does not last forever. The Mom that told me how horrible I was, kicked me out of the will, and threatened to report me to the police (which she did once) is now happy to see me and doesn't know money exist

love, deb

 
Old 03-16-2010, 05:28 AM   #3
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Re: Money, Money, Money

My mother lost a lot of money that way. She would go to her senior center with $100 and come back with nothing.She said she paid for her lunch with it .. lunch was a subsidized 75 cents! Finally I allowed her only $20 all in single dollar bills.

My brother's MIL used to hide her SS checks under the LR rug. Time after time they had to report them missing and wait months before new checks were issued. At last they moved her to their house. When they cleared out her things, they found 25 SS checks under the rug.

You may have to tell her bank not to give her any money unless both of you have signed for it ...

Love,

Martha

 
Old 03-16-2010, 07:54 AM   #4
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Re: Money, Money, Money

Bear... just a thought.... if Mom can't keep up with her money is it good for her to be living in an independent situation? Would she know what to do if there was a fire? Would she know what to do if the house filled with smoke? Money issues preceded it but one of my wake up calls was when a computer battery back up was shorted out because Dad plugged the vacuum in it. The charred marks are still on the carpet and the wall. The house filled with smoke. When the neighbor saw the smoke coming out of the door Mom and Dad were IN the house trying to find out where the smoke was coming from. Wandering around aimlessly seemingly clueless to the danger. Yes, it can happen....

For me the money was a minor issue as compared to the potential for harm to themselves.

Love, deb

 
Old 03-16-2010, 08:17 AM   #5
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Re: Money, Money, Money

Getting 2 signers on the account is an excellent idea. You can just tell her that because they've had issues with her account, the bank wants to do it this way. She'll forget but at least it takes the monkey off your back.

 
Old 03-16-2010, 10:53 AM   #6
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Re: Money, Money, Money

Bear...you describe my mom to a tee when you talk about money...she has had the same 60 dollars in her wallet since last fall but yet she needs more because of course she doesn't have any...in her mind at least. She calls to borrow money from me to pay her bills. She is afraid. She doesn't remember that she is safe and cared for and all bills paid by her grandson...when she asks for money we tell her we will bring it "tomorrow". It is truly a day by day thing.

SHe has no say any longer in her finances. She is not capable, so we have taken it over. My son, the person she trusts the most, is on the account with her. She is unable to get to the bank, so we know it is safely out of her hands.

I'm sorry too that your mom is so mean to you...oh boy do I understand that too. But all we can do is take what they give us and hope to get their meds adjusted.

Love, Meg

 
Old 03-16-2010, 01:47 PM   #7
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Re: Money, Money, Money

Hi Martha,

I went to the bank and they said they are not able to tell her that she is not able to take out any money even though they know she has AD and we have the POA and doctor's letters. They say "it is her money". No can do!!

Bearcubs

Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha H View Post
My mother lost a lot of money that way. She would go to her senior center with $100 and come back with nothing.She said she paid for her lunch with it .. lunch was a subsidized 75 cents! Finally I allowed her only $20 all in single dollar bills.

My brother's MIL used to hide her SS checks under the LR rug. Time after time they had to report them missing and wait months before new checks were issued. At last they moved her to their house. When they cleared out her things, they found 25 SS checks under the rug.

You may have to tell her bank not to give her any money unless both of you have signed for it ...

Love,

Martha

 
Old 03-16-2010, 01:49 PM   #8
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Re: Money, Money, Money

Hi Titchou,

The bank will not do this for me. They say they are not allowed to stop her from taking money from "her bank account". They say it is "her money".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Titchou View Post
Getting 2 signers on the account is an excellent idea. You can just tell her that because they've had issues with her account, the bank wants to do it this way. She'll forget but at least it takes the monkey off your back.

 
Old 03-16-2010, 01:54 PM   #9
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Re: Money, Money, Money

Hi Deb,

The doctors say she should be in a "locked unit" but the retirement homes say they cannot take her if she doesn't want to go on her own free will. My mom says she'll kill herself before going into a home.

I took out $100 today from her bank account. When I pay for her groceries and she asks me if I got the money from her bank account what should I say? I cannot tell her "I'm paying for your groceries" because she knows I wouldn't do this with my own money. It is always about money!! Oh boooy!!

Elaine

Quote:
Originally Posted by DGabriel10 View Post
Bear... just a thought.... if Mom can't keep up with her money is it good for her to be living in an independent situation? Would she know what to do if there was a fire? Would she know what to do if the house filled with smoke? Money issues preceded it but one of my wake up calls was when a computer battery back up was shorted out because Dad plugged the vacuum in it. The charred marks are still on the carpet and the wall. The house filled with smoke. When the neighbor saw the smoke coming out of the door Mom and Dad were IN the house trying to find out where the smoke was coming from. Wandering around aimlessly seemingly clueless to the danger. Yes, it can happen....

For me the money was a minor issue as compared to the potential for harm to themselves.

Love, deb

 
Old 03-16-2010, 02:45 PM   #10
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Re: Money, Money, Money

Can she get to the bank by herself?

We tell my mom that we don't use cash anymore..that it is old fashioned and not as safe as just "signing" for it. She doesn't remember that but we keep telling her.

Anytime I take her shopping or to lunch (always to the same places) I let her sign the bill with the understanding that it comes straight from her account. I use her credit card..we don't let her see that card anymore at all...we did at one point make a copy of her credit card and license and had it laminated and slipped that back into her wallet. (we blacked out vital info)
She is not stupid but never did question her "new" credit card and ID.

When I saw her the other day she asked my husband if she had any money...he showed her the same money she has had in her wallet for months and she said that was good in case she had to go to the store. She hasn't been to the store by herself in 2 years!

Listen, none of them want to go willingly to a new living arrangement. We ganged up on her and sent in our secret weapon, her grandson, who talked her into going. If he had not been successful we would have moved her anyway. One thing is for sure, I would have never been able to do it by myself..my husband and son were major contributors. First, because they are not me! And secondly because they are men and she is of that generation where men were to be listened to...

Does her doctor have her on any happy pills? My mom was a bear til she was on a few drugs that helped her mood immensely!

Love, Meg

 
Old 03-16-2010, 03:00 PM   #11
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Re: Money, Money, Money

But you are on her account, right? If so, then just transfer the money out to another account that only has you on it (or has her too but she doesn't know about it) and then spend it for her upkeep. Just be sure to keep an accurate accounting.

My mother didn't have dementia but she was a prescription drug addict so the situation was very similar in that I had to handle some things behind her back and fake her off most of the time. She was so drugged out most of the time that she didn't want to admit she couldn't remember what she did because she was trying to hide the addiction.

 
Old 03-16-2010, 03:10 PM   #12
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Re: Money, Money, Money

In the middle stages of Demantia the person is often trying really hard to present a 'normal' memory to everyone. So you can often get away with saying things like, "now that we have most of your money in a safe place as you asked me to do,.... " and she will not want to seem to have forgotten anything, so she will go along with it. The same with doctor's appointments. ''Today we we are going to the doctor, remember when you made the apointment last week?" and she will probably say, "Yes I remember.'' A little deceptin to make both of your lives easier.

In later stages they forget, and stop trying to pretend they remember, and believe it or not things get easier. They then depend fully on you without continually questioning your judgment or your honesty.

In the end stages nothing at all makes any difference to the patient .. you can say anything and they will agree. And forget 10 minutes later.

Love,

Martha

 
Old 03-16-2010, 09:28 PM   #13
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Re: Money, Money, Money

Hi Meg,

My mother can take a cab or ask the lady next door to take her to the bank. You know that saying "where there is a will there is a way". She made an airplaine reservation without us knowing, until my cousin phoned and told my husband and me. Then we phoned Air Canada and they cancelled the ticket. You never know from one day to the next what she is up to. She says she'll leave without telling us where or when is going. The doctor doesn't feel the medication will help her. There is no way she'll listen to anything I say. It's very tiring.

Quote:
Originally Posted by meg1230 View Post
Can she get to the bank by herself?

We tell my mom that we don't use cash anymore..that it is old fashioned and not as safe as just "signing" for it. She doesn't remember that but we keep telling her.

Anytime I take her shopping or to lunch (always to the same places) I let her sign the bill with the understanding that it comes straight from her account. I use her credit card..we don't let her see that card anymore at all...we did at one point make a copy of her credit card and license and had it laminated and slipped that back into her wallet. (we blacked out vital info)
She is not stupid but never did question her "new" credit card and ID.

When I saw her the other day she asked my husband if she had any money...he showed her the same money she has had in her wallet for months and she said that was good in case she had to go to the store. She hasn't been to the store by herself in 2 years!

Listen, none of them want to go willingly to a new living arrangement. We ganged up on her and sent in our secret weapon, her grandson, who talked her into going. If he had not been successful we would have moved her anyway. One thing is for sure, I would have never been able to do it by myself..my husband and son were major contributors. First, because they are not me! And secondly because they are men and she is of that generation where men were to be listened to...

Does her doctor have her on any happy pills? My mom was a bear til she was on a few drugs that helped her mood immensely!

Love, Meg

 
Old 03-16-2010, 09:32 PM   #14
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Re: Money, Money, Money

Martha,

"now that we have most of your money in a safe place as you asked me to do,.... " My mother will say she didn't ask me.

"remember when you made the apointment last week?" She'll say "you" made it.

You can't win, she always thinks she's right and she tells me I think I know everything.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha H View Post
In the middle stages of Demantia the person is often trying really hard to present a 'normal' memory to everyone. So you can often get away with saying things like,and she will not want to seem to have forgotten anything, so she will go along with it. The same with doctor's appointments. ''Today we we are going to the doctor,and she will probably say, "Yes I remember.'' A little deceptin to make both of your lives easier.

In later stages they forget, and stop trying to pretend they remember, and believe it or not things get easier. They then depend fully on you without continually questioning your judgment or your honesty.

In the end stages nothing at all makes any difference to the patient .. you can say anything and they will agree. And forget 10 minutes later.

Love,

Martha

 
Old 03-16-2010, 10:24 PM   #15
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Re: Money, Money, Money

Things must be very different where you are because Mom and Dad had NO say in being signed into the locked unit. Having their permission to be put in a locked unit makes NO sense what so ever. If they had enough sense to know they needed a locked unit...they probably wouldn't need it. Here all we have to have is the doctor's recommendation and it's a done deal. For a psychiatric unit you have to have the Medical POA sign... but not for a locked ALZ unit. Can the doctor not insist that she be admitted?

And I am shocked that the doctor doesn't think meds will help somebody that is constantly angry due to dementia. I tend to hear that from other countries but not from here. Mom and Dad were both on multiple medications that helped their paranoia and anxiety. I truly can not see leaving a person in emotional turmoil when it can be helped. Is there any way you can get her an appointment with a geriatric psychiatrist?

I do hope you can find some help from somebody... you do have your hands full and it doesn't appear that there is much you can do.

Love, deb

 
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