Like Ken said, you can hire someone to sit with him as needed so you can get out. It can be a professional or it can just be a friend who has some understanding of what's going on. I have my MIL go to day care two days a week. That gives me a change to go to the gym, get the grocery shopping done, have breakfast with some friends, or whatever. It gives me the break I need so I can continue to do this!
I will third that... you do need to continues going out and enjoying yourself. You do need somebody that can come in while you are away. The sooner you begin the better it will be for you both. He may even enjoy having somebody different around and we know you enjoy being out and about
I do understand what you said about your husband and his career. I have dealt with that same issue with Mom and Dad. They were both extremely brilliant people who excelled in everything they did until dementia. Then they didn't understand why others didn't see them the same any more because they didn't understand that anything was different. I like you would say.. it's not stupid it is just a little forgetfulness or you were too busy or there was too much going on. You definitely don't want to highlight their inabilities.
And... we have all had our blow us!! As you said, they forget and tomorrow is a new day to them. So we have to do the same. Not necessarily forget but get past is. Living in the moment does have it's advantages
You are doing well and have a good attitude Wrote yourself a thank you note in your journal. Then yourself for taking good care of your hubby and for taking care of yourself at the same time!!
Oh Aura...I do understand my mother's difficulties but it doesn't mean it can't drive me batty from time to time. One is not exsclusive of the other....
Should we all talk about my broken door and or other's flying pans?
Yep, batty and Alzheimer's often travel in pairs.
While it seems okay to use simple terms sometimes, we certainly DO NOT refer to our loved ones suffering from this horrible, dreaded disease as being 'batty'.
We know what they're suffering from and if you lived through it, are living through it, or know someone who is a caregiver to someone living through it, then you know its not as simple as being 'batty' especially when the sufferer is aware that something is different about them.
Its nice to hear that someone feels I am doing a good job. I know my friends all say they don't know how I am surviving. But they don't see my cry in my bathroom or on my pillow at night.
Yesterday I sold my husbands 1985 Honda Scooter through Craig's List and the fellow came to pick it up today. Don knew we were selling it so I didn't do it behind his back. But he has asked me about 20 times today what we got for it and how much did we buy it for 25 years ago? I have given him a little spiral notebook so I can write stuff like this down and he can refer to it when the question pops into his mind. He says...why can't you just tell me? Whew....I don't know if he understands when I explain that I am only human and when I have to say the same thing over and over to him I get frustrated so this is helping me help him and not get angry. Not sure if that sinks in but he is refering to the notebook now and then.
Now that Spring is upon us I have called to have some help in the yard and with some clean up of our deck. That's another thing he asks me multiple times. What about our deck? What about those grasses in the yard? I wrote notes and stuck them to the window by his chair that I had made those calls.
I was a special ed teacher for 27 years and this is much the same so I am drawing from experience.
Its a beautiful day here today. Finally after such a long cold winter. My spirits are up.We just might take a nice walk together today.
Bonnie, as he digresses he will be less able to understand what is written. I used notes with mom for a while. I was a little shocked to learn that it was Dad that was benefiting from the notes and Mom didn't have a clue what was on them. She just knew they were something important so instead of leaving them where they were she gathered them up and put them away for safe keeping.
I laughed about the scooter conversation. I remember having the same conversation with Dad about his beloved lawn mower...... over and over and over... for about 3 summers. He never mentioned it in the winter but as soon as spring sprung... there was the lawn mower question! On the other hand I have to shake my head about the VAN!!! I never did get the courage to tell him that was sold. It was in the shop for repairs for about 3 years!! Ok.. I just threw my head back in a big laugh there. Yep, it is frustrating in the moment but wen you look back you will find the humor.
William... "they" not batty, they are physically impaired. What it does to me from time to time is make ME batty. Yep, I understand the disease and what it does. But when you are in the trenches day after day, hour after hour, it does get the best of you from time to time. As stated, the blessing in this disease is that THEY don't remember it. It is what it is. None of us wear a red cape and spandex!!! We cry in our pillows, yell at the moon, pull weeds under the starlight, throw things, and otherwise relieve the emotional stress that this disease takes on us. Yep, we understand but we are humans.... I am curious... What experience do you have with dementia William?
Hang in there Bonnie... you are doing well As long as you get that deck taken care of and the grass mowed hehe
I tried notes too...taped them to the wall...it helped for a while. I also gave mom a notebook..but she hid it. It's what she does. She hides things.
Thank heavens we can laugh now...after the fact...about broken doors, flying canes and pans.
And Ken, I hope hope hope the awful memories fade. I'll take your word for it. I would like to know memories of my mom won't be the ones of her calling me crying or yelling....or sitting alone looking lost.
Notebook, yep I gave Mom one of those once. She told me, under no uncertain terms, with her hands on her little hips.... that she would be sure to write down in it anything that she forgot!!! Yep, it was the end of a long moment of frustration for me but now I have to sit back and belly laugh when I think of it.
What I have learned since... to find the humor in the moment and don't want for 2 years to see it
Bonnie, depending on what it is, sometimes the best way to deal with repetitive questions or those obsessive issues (like money!) is to smile and nod and just say, "yes, we'll take care of that tomorrow." I was amazed at how easily that ended my MIL's frustrations over this, that, and the other. She's been completely satisfied with that answer more times than I could count. And like Deb said, tomorrow never comes!
I have been trying the suggestion of just saying "I've taken care of it". He just always wants to know when. No one I hire to do anything can accurately tell me when since it depends on when they finish the job they are on. So...I keep saying, soon. Maybe tomorrow!
Last night I got a stunner. He forgot which side of the bed he has slept on for the last 28 years. He "could have sworn" it was my side. Oh man. This scourge just keeps eating away.
Thanks for all the help. I am feeling not so alone. I am going to a support group next Tuesday afternoon. I'll let you know how that goes.
Bonnie... remember that when he as when... tomorrow is enough. Tomorrow he will ask you again and you can say... tomorrow. Eventually tomorrow will come Then it's on to the next question. We will not eliminate the questions just change them.... until the questions are gone for him.
You are right about the scourge just eating away. I was amazed how many times Mom and dad swapped sides of the bed in the last year. I never knew which side they would be on. It was whatever struck their mind when it was time to go to bed. So at some point you might just need to be that bobble head and trade sides for the night. We do what works.
I am so glad you are going to a support group meeting. Please let us know how it goes. And keep coming here. You are not alone
I will let you know how the support group goes. I am looking forward to it. I will try to just say "tomorrow" when he asks when. I love that suggestion. You are right...tomorrow eventually will come and it will be fine.
What is so difficult for me is that I want to tell him all about everything I am doing and what I decided on this or that and that we need to do this or that and all it does is confuse him more. What I see happening is just not sharing those thoughts anymore and just making comments on the weather, food, how beautiful our house is, or garden ...the comments he makes over and over are just about all there is to talk about anymore.
He asks me about his Will a lot. He wants to see a lawyer and make sure his children are taken care of (this is a second marriage for us. He is 85 and I am 61. His children are grown.). We have been to our lawyer many times over our marriage and all is taken care of...living wills, power of attorney, estate plans...he has no memory of any of our visits. I guess I'll just say "I'll make the appointment" and see where that goes. I'm so glad we took care of all of that before he lost his memory.