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Old 04-21-2010, 08:14 PM   #1
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What to Do!?

Yesterday my mother was angry with me because I told her "I am not taking you to the bank". I think she got over it for the day today but after we went for dinner we took her home and I asked her about going grocery shopping tomorrow and she says I have no money. Every week same thing She doesn't want to put her groceries on her Visa card, she wants $50 to spend on whatever she sees in some store and she wants to get money out of her bank account for the groceries. She will misplace it like what has happened before. There is no way she wants me to deal with her money. No matter what I tell her it is going to make things worse. She plans on leaving her condo and not telling me when or where she is going. I do not have a say at the bank about how much she can take out even with all the papers (POA) etc. She says somehow I'll get to the bank and get my own groceries. No can do. I told her I'll pay for the groceries and she said NO!! She will not give up on going to the bank

What would you do?????

 
Old 04-21-2010, 11:08 PM   #2
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Re: What to Do!?

I would do exactly as I have told you. If she wants to go to the bank I would tell her that we will to tomorrow... always tomorrow. I would not tell Mom when we are going grocery shopping. There is not reason to start that same arguments over and over. When you get there just pay for the groceries and let it be. You are NOT going to change your Mom. She is what she is... stuck in the same place week after week. She is not capable of handling money and it is not responsible to give it to her. So you just do what you have to do without discussion.

You are wanting your mom to do something different and that's not going to happen no matter what you say. It is NOT going to stick in her brain even if she did understand it in the moment. The next time you go back to the same subject you are going to get the same thing. So as I have said before YOU have to change what you are doing. Don't discuss money with her. When she brings it up just nod and say ok. Don't tell her that you are going to the grocery store. Just show up and go. If she throws fits in the grocery store or about going... then go FOR her. When she makes her threats just nod and tell her you understand her frustration. Then let it go. I do know what I am talking about because I have had to deal with both of my parents doing the same thing over money and other subjects for YEARS.

Did the doctor visit with your Mom? How did that go?

Love, deb

Last edited by Gabriel; 04-21-2010 at 11:10 PM.

 
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Old 04-22-2010, 08:44 AM   #3
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Re: What to Do!?

Bearcubs

We all truly understand what you are trying to do. You are trying to deal with your Mom as you always did and expect her to be the normal, everyday person you always had in your life. That's not good for YOU.

She is not the normal person you always had. She's someone totally different. While she recognizes you now, she'll possibly think of you as a stranger in the future.

If you are so worried about what she's doing with the money, then simply do this. Go to the bank with the paper (hear me out!), tell the bank manager you want to open a new account for your Mom, then transfer a large amount of money into it. You're not doing it to hide it from the government or anything so don't put your name solely on the account, but put both your names on it.

Have the statements come to your address not your Mom's. Let her have an amount in there that would allow her to take small amounts out at a time. Or go to the bank, withdraw $50.00 in small bills and drive over to her house and say "okay come on we're going shopping, and oh, I had to go to the bank myself so I have the $50. you wanted so you can pick up what you want".

As Deb said, you're trying too hard to have a conversation with your Mom or a 'normal' conversation or question and answer session and the only one it drives nut about is YOU, so stop it.

My sister was just like you honey. And you're not doing anything wrong, you're just desperate to have your prior life back and its not going to happen.
My sister only had my mother to talk to, only my mother couldn't talk back but she dang well understood everything!

So my mother would want to get out of the house and want my sister to take her to the store or visit someone and my sister would say 'no, we're not going out" and this would upset my mother tremendously. Its a shame, if she only let me know she wanted to do something, i would've done it to the best of my ability but Mom didn't want me around to do anything.

Sister would tell Mom about a doctor's appointment that was -- in reality -- five days away just to have something to say to her. Then she'd get mad that Mom was crying because she didn't want to go OR she'd yell at Mom because Mom would go upstairs and be changing clothes in anticipation of going.

I kept telling my sister to stop doing things like that. It would ultimately upset my Mom but mostly it upset my sister because she'd be frustrated that my mother lost the concept of date and time.

So just listen to Deb whose been there, did it, done that and you'll get through this just fine.

CaringSister54

 
Old 04-22-2010, 09:55 AM   #4
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Re: What to Do!?

Deb,

The doctor's appointment is on May 11th in the morning. I just hope she'll be home and not out for a walk or with the lady next door. Just like today, I phoned her and there is no answer. It could be a number of things - gone for a walk, just not answering the phone, going to the washroom, to the mailbox, taking off to "get the hell out of here" and the list goes on. Who knows what she is up to. I'll go over to her place and see if she is there. Thank you for your help.

Elaine

 
Old 04-22-2010, 09:59 AM   #5
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Re: What to Do!?

Quote:
Originally Posted by caringsister54 View Post



Have the statements come to your address not your Mom's. Let her have an amount in there that would allow her to take small amounts out at a time. Or go to the bank, withdraw $50.00 in small bills and drive over to her house and say "okay come on we're going shopping, and oh, I had to go to the bank myself so I have the $50. you wanted so you can pick up what you want".



CaringSister54
If I tell her I went to the bank and got the money she'll be angry and say "it's my money and for me to give it to her. Then here we go again.Every day is just as bad as the previous one. I'll be happy when she forgets all about money!!!!!

 
Old 04-22-2010, 10:52 AM   #6
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Re: What to Do!?

bear wrote:
If I tell her I went to the bank and got the money she'll be angry and say "it's my money and for me to give it to her. Then here we go again.Every day is just as bad as the previous one. I'll be happy when she forgets all about money!!!!!

Okay Bear dear,
Get yourself a cup of coffee or tea, pull up a chair, and listen!!!!

Oh for Gosh sakes . . .you don't tell her then!
Just put the dang money on a table, shelf, under a picture or whatever~! and when your ready to go to the store and she say's she can't go because she has no money ACT SURPRISED and say "Mom, here's some money, you must have forgotten that you went and got some from the bank" --

this is called DESPERATION FIBBING! Get it? Enough said. I love you kiddo, hang in there.

Your
CaringSister54

 
Old 04-22-2010, 10:54 AM   #7
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Re: What to Do!?

Also what I said in my previous post is to move most of the money so its safe.
Just leave a nominal amount of money in the bank. Your mother probably won't remember how much she had in it.

CaringSister54

 
Old 04-22-2010, 11:59 AM   #8
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Re: What to Do!?

I totally agree with Diane... You are trying to have logical rational conversation with you Mom and that is obviously NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!. So you get the money, put it in an envelope, and drop it on the table beside the door as you come in. No money... here it is Mom. If there is any way to do it without her seeing you, drop it in her pocket book and when she says she doesn't have money in the store tell her to look and be sure. Voila!

What you can't do is expect anything different than what your Mom has given you so far so you have to change the way you are doing it. Be creative. Don't run into her dementia wall if you don't have to. Find a way to go around her and let her think, in the moment, that she is being successful. (even though you know you are doing it for her) You do what you have to do to break the cycle you are on now. It's only frustrating you both. So be creative and remember..... Mom can't change the way she thinks... so you must!

Love, Deb

PS, as for the doctor visit. You can go visit with her before the doctor comes and let him appear at the door. That way you can make sure she is there.

My other question is, is it truly safe for her to be wandering the streets alone?

Last edited by Gabriel; 04-22-2010 at 12:00 PM.

 
Old 04-22-2010, 06:55 PM   #9
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Re: What to Do!?

Caringsister,

She doesn't know how to get to the bank or where the bank is located. She hasn't been with me since March 9th. But I like the part about hiding it but then she'll want to hold onto it.

Elaine

 
Old 04-22-2010, 07:03 PM   #10
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Re: What to Do!?

Deb,

There is a waiting list for 1 year to get into LTC. Therefore she has to live on her own until then. My hands are tied. We just hope for the best and it is in God's hands as to what happens to her.

Elaine

 
Old 04-22-2010, 07:42 PM   #11
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Re: What to Do!?

WOW Elaine!! A year? Scary!! I do have a feeling it's going to be a critical need before a year is up. I do wish you both the best and hope nothing bad happens while the wheels of government turn slowly. Hang in there and keep typing

Love, deb

 
Old 04-23-2010, 05:57 AM   #12
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Re: What to Do!?

Bear

when I re-read the posts two things jumped out at me.

In one you wrote:

If I tell her I went to the bank and got the money she'll be angry and say "it's my money and for me to give it to her

And my thought when I read it was, you just walk into the door and give it to her automatically. Maybe if in the past, you went to the bank, got her money for her and in your feelings and beliefs you held it thinking that's what you needed to do?, well it may have been wrong in her mind.

So continue to go to the bank and when you come in, you give it to her automatically saying here's your money for the week Mom. OR as I said, I think it'll work if you dropped it, put it on a table or counter and then act surprised when you see it like "Oh Mom, look here's some money you left laying around".

--------------
You also wrote:
She doesn't know how to get to the bank or where the bank is located. She hasn't been with me since March 9th. But I like the part about hiding it but then she'll want to hold onto it.

it goes back to what I said --- just give it to her. If you're taking out $100 for your Mom, you don't have to give her the whole $100, just give her $25 or $50.

Since your Mom can't get to the bank on her own, eve by cab/taxi? or a Neighbor? then you may not have to set up that second account and move most of the money.

We only answer the way we read things and writing isn't the best way to convey thoughts or actions.

We're here for you so keep posting but you must act and do as you would a small child. You've got to keep thinking of this person you call Mom as you view a 2 -4 year old. And if you haven't been around children let me tell you two things:

1) they latch onto the stupidiest things so tightly

2) you can't reason with them when they're like this so you have to de-stress by putting them into time out OR changing the subject or activity as fast as you can.

Remember, the person you use to call Mom is now the child and YOU -- my dear Bearcub -- is no longer the cub! but the Mommabear. Be the adult and stop getting nervous about displeasing her because you will always displease her and there's no getting around Planet Alzheimer without doing so.

Your writing to someone (me) who didn't breathe right according to her mother.
CaringSister54

 
Old 04-23-2010, 06:50 AM   #13
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Re: What to Do!?

Everyone is giving you excellent advice. Remember the old adage, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result. Your mother can't change. It's the disease. You can change your reactions to her. It's the only thing that can change.

My mother told me once that what she hated (yes, hated) the most about me was that I could do whatever I had to do. Well, that hated trait came in awfully handy dealing with her drug addiction later down the road. I did what I had to do - even when she called me in the middle of the night because she couldn't sleep without her drugs.

 
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