My otherwise fairly close never a serious argument family has been ripped apart since my mum's dementia was diagnosed. We had offered to build a house with granny flat at the beginning but mumreally did not want to leave the town she had been in for 30 years so after trialling a unit within assisted living then a few days at a brothers house in the same town we found an aged care facility for her. Over the last 2 years although I have done nothing but try and fit in with everything my 2 brothers have become rude demanding and bullying in regard to any family decisions and in effect a fairly happy family has got to the stage where we no longer communicate. I understand that some people cannot deal with grief without getting angry instead but it ia sad enough that we are losing mum bit by bit without losing sibling support too. Although I have lived 100km's away for the last 25 years they were openly hostile that I was not there and they felt they had more to deal with. Anyway just needed to post this and get out those feelings of hurt thnx
It is a sad fact of this disease in so many families Tuesday. Know that you are not alone. The same thing has happened in my family. It seems that this disease brings out the very best and the very worst in people... there doesn't seem to be any middle ground.
I truly believe it is because of the nature of the disease. It is slow and insidious but there is nothing that can be done to change the course of the disease. Humans need hope and some way to make the situation better. This disease deprives us of that. You are right, some deal with it better than others. Some can't look through the hopelessness of the disease and their own bitterness that they can't fix it to see what other are trying to do.
I truly understand how you feel. When my parents were hours away my sister hounded on me repeatedly for what I couldn't do, no matter what I did do or how much I was there. It did cause a rift. No matter how hard I tried to ignore the words it created a distance between us. Now that my Mom is here (lost my Dad in March) the same sisters are never here. But knowing how I felt when they were on my case I refuse to do that to them. Yet the rift remains. We have ended up with two sisters on one side and two on the other side and there is a canyon between us. Communication is scarce and usually deteriorates to negative accusations which is not productive.
All I can tell you is to just keep trying. See your Mom when you can. Do what you can do from where you are. Try to let go of the negative as best you can and have faith in yourself. You are not what you are called. You are who you are and can only do what you can do. Try to be as supportive as you can and hang in there
No one is as close as my brother and I but I can understand how things can spiral out of control. We are lucky..we are each other's best friend. He is a major support system for me...but he lives on the other side of the country and I am here to deal with the day by day horrors of this disease...do I resent it...sure. But I don't resent him. Because it isn't his fault. It is no one's fault. He does what he can whenever and however. He calls me almost everyday. He would come at a moment's notice if it were absolutely necessary. But he isn't here every day. So I deal with it and and the bad days I cry on the phone with him later. (which is a lot lately )
Last night we talked and both hoped that next year at this time we would be toasting our mother's memory. No one understands like the two of us.
I hope you can find some peace when this thing is done. Deb, I wish it for you too. Maybe, hopefully, when it is all over the memories will bring your families back together? Who knows...
We have no hope with this disease so let's have it for peace and harmony later on down the road.
I have one sister that is the same as your brother Meg. She's actually not that far away and when she knows I am going down... she will pick up. She is there in a heart beat when I really need her. She lets me do it but is watching by back. She send me an e-mail last night saying I needed a day at home (and she was going out of town for a couple of days starting tomorrow) so she was going to see Mom today and for me to stay home So I have both sides. I am just tremendously grateful for the one sister I do have watching my back. Like you Meg, we talk on the phone almost daily no matter which one of us has had Mom for the day!
Tuesday, just know you are not alone in this frustration
Thankyou for your very caring replies they have gone along way to help. I do understand everyone deals with things differently I guess I was just a bit heartbroken that my brothers seem to take out their anger on me at a time when we should all be back-up for each other. Am still dreading the day my mum does not know us anymore but will always love and hug her and make her feel she is still a very big and important part of my life.Awwwh it is a long hard road sometimes but as I said people who take time out to empathise are gold.. thankyou x
We are all walking in your shoes Tuesday so we do understand. It's hard to be so far away and not get to see Mom often. I have been in that position. It's also hard when you are there every day doing the day to day. I am in that position now. Neither is easy and each has it's problems. You are right about the fact that it is a time when families should be pulling together but it is actually a time when something small can get blown completely out of proportion because of the stress and tension. I wonder if part of it is the need to blame. It would be better if..... When in fact there is nothing that could make it better
Hang with us. Vent when you need to. I have found listening ears and strong shoulders here and some good advice from those with experience. Not to mention great discussions or the disease and the emotions that swirl around it.
"It would be better if..."
You hit the nail on the head, Deb. It would be better if I wasn't the only one here dealing with it day by day...or, from my brother's point of view..it would be better if he wasn't so far away and could help mom more.
As hard as it is on me I sometimes think how horrible it must be for my brother..and you too, Tuesday, to be so far away and unable to hold her hand or stroke her head to try to calm her or show your love for her.
I have to chime in here Tuesday. My husband's (BR & Sis's)family were very close until MIL was dignosed with Alzm and dementia. One Sis got right behind us (she had to deal with her own MIL) and she has been the "rock for us" Then the other two were nightmere's Things got worse and we finially had to place her in NH after yr & 1/2 my body broke down and I could no longer care for my MIL. My BIL FINIALY came around, but my "know it all, elderservice nurse SIL" blamed my MIL condition on me! So long story short she came to see for herself! Suprise! Shock and reality finially hit her. Since she has been back home she is NOT full of all the advise she once was. However, she is still devisive! And now these two beloved sister and brother aren't talking. My husband tries, but she fills him with all this crap and then goes on her retreats to "heal" while my poor husband is realling from her stabs, jabs and insults! She considers herself an "expert" YOU AREN"T EXPERT until to walk the 1000 miles in the shoes of a caregver!
Saying all of this to let you know it is ok to get upset, mad and cry. Let it out here on the blogs and get the help you need from these wonderful people who have walked in the path you are starting off on.
Get invilved with a local support group too! < edited >
We all have the same commonality. We have either been there and are on the otherside... or we are walking through it (me I crawled!)
Somehow through this process you learn more about yourself then you thought possible. You learn about those that DO care and those that DON"T. And if they don't, leave it behind and go with thoses that do!
Enjoy the times you can share with eachother and give them "GRACE..GRACE... & GRACE.
These are some of the finest people you will ever meet!
And for goodness sake take sometime out for you and relax, of you don't it will consume you!
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