It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 02-14-2011, 05:39 AM   #1
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Troy, Ohio U.S.A.
Posts: 191
CAJ0818 HB UserCAJ0818 HB UserCAJ0818 HB User
OMG - Adult content - Sex drive?

Hi All,

I am sorry I am writing about this, and I am embarressed for my Mom that I am putting these words to paper, but I have no where else to go and I am at my wits end. My Mom, who before Alz was a real lady. But her sex drive is going crazy and she is not afraid to let anyone know it. She has walked to the dining hall completely naked. She has left her bra under the pillow of a man that has been married for 67 years. She told me that she is terrible and I ask her why and she said that every man that walks in the unit she wants to know how big his you know what is? I explained to her that it is just part of the disease and that she is not bad. But yesterday I went to the nursing home and found out my Mom was not allowed to have toliet paper when she goes to the bathroom and I asked why and the aide told me that my Mom has been taking all the toliet paper off the roll and shoving the cardboard part up her vigina? First of all is there something that the nursing home can give her so she is not having these urges? Also I do not know why I keep finding out about these things by chance. Is there some kind of report I can ask for that will tell me this is the kind of behavior they are having with my Mom.

Once again I am sorry for even writing this but I do not know what to do for my Mom. I am her Daughter and never thought I would have to deal with this. But I also realize it is part of life and I do not know what to do.......

I am thankful for any information you can give me.

Love,
Julie

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 02-14-2011, 06:29 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: charlotte, nc, usa
Posts: 7,106
Gabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB User
Re: OMG - Adult content - Sex drive?

Julie, know this is not unusual. Sexual desire was there long before the dementia.... but they do lose the ability to control those desires. I was lucky enough to have Mom and Dad together for so long. The care staff learned to knock on their door and not walk in With singles, there are various ways, appropriate and in appropriate they express this desire. Just know that it is not earth ending and is a phase some go through. Mom is past her aggression.

In the dementia world clothing is option and that probably has nothing to do with sexual desire. Mom will forget a top or the man across the hall will forget his pants but that's all it is. Many times it is connected to discomfort rather than sexual desire. The one shirt Mom would take off has a scratchy tag. I cut it out and cured the problem. My grandmother just didn't like clothes because her skin was very sensitive. Dad would come out looking for his pants.

But your Mom has verbalized her curiosity and the staff has caught her in actions we consider inappropriate. They were right to take the toilet paper holders but your Mom may find something else. One tactic to try is to give her lots of human contact in the form of hugs and cuddling. The need for human contact can be what is needed rather than the sexual contact. I had to laugh yesterday. One of the new men in the unit, non ambulatory and deep in his dementia, commented when I walked by "Now that's a lot a woman!". He was being overtly sexual but instead of being offended I walked over, gave him a hug, and spent the next 20 minutes talking to him. He was thrilled, ate most of his lunch (which was unusual) and was in good humor until I left. I fulfilled his need for contact and contact! Sometimes that is all that is needed.

You just have to be sure they do not hurt themselves or others. The rest you have to just deal with the best you can while trying to give them the human contact and emotional contact that they desire.

As for the staff, they tend to report what is unusual... and to them this may not be that usual. To us it is traumatic because it is our parent but at the same time it is not an unusual occurrence with dementia patients. The desire does not go away just because they have dementia... just the ability to be appropriate with that desire. So be patient with your frustrated Mom. She is truly doing the best she can. And be patient with the staff because what you find as upsetting and unusual... is common place for them.

I would suggest that you have secret conversations about size when she brings it up. Try to feed the curiosity without her acting upon it. If you take the secret out of it, it might help.

I remember a conversation I had with my Dad some years ago. I still laugh. As we were swinging on a beautiful spring afternoon, he leaned in close and ask me who that lady was watering the flowers. I just ask "Why?" He came back with.... "She's cute, I wonder if she will have sex with me?" I had to laugh and assured him that she probably would since that was his WIFE! He looked at me for a moment and then just said..."Well I picked well!" It has an element of humor in it but mostly it was nice to know that after all those years Dad would pick her out still! And they did have sex... until the last few months of Dad's life. Mom lost her desire about the same time Dad left.... which I find a blessing for them both.

Just know you are not alone in this one. I caught two ladies yesterday discussing the man that showed his privates in the commons area of AL yesterday. They were snickering like little school girls. Before I left one of the ladies, who happens to be 90, told me I had impressive boobs. Love was definitely in the air yesterday hehe.... Happy Valentine!!

Love, deb

 
The following user gives a hug of support to Gabriel:
CAJ0818 (02-14-2011)
Old 02-14-2011, 06:50 AM   #3
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Troy, Ohio U.S.A.
Posts: 191
CAJ0818 HB UserCAJ0818 HB UserCAJ0818 HB User
Re: OMG - Adult content - Sex drive?

Oh Deb I love you so much! You have to be the kindest person on this earth. Thanks for calming my fears. I want to help my Mom and I will take your suggestion and give her more hugs and more coversation if that is what she is looking for. Now that my nerves are not all over the place. I have a patient in Mom's Alz unit that just loves me dearly. Everytime I walk in he says there is my girl and I talk to him and he talks about us going fishing someday and I go along with it. It seems to make him happy, and I enjoy putting a smile on him face. You are one in a million Deb! Thank you!

Love,
Julie

 
Old 02-14-2011, 11:48 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: highland park, il 60035
Posts: 2,484
debbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB User
Re: OMG - Adult content - Sex drive?

my mom would also take some of her clothes off. she also went to the bathroom with the door open. wow, i never knew about the hugs and how beneficial they are. we all hugged my mom so i think she was uncomfortable with what she had on. i will let other people know about the hugging. hang in there your mom will settle down. dont be embarresed. this is the disease.

 
Old 02-14-2011, 02:13 PM   #5
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Troy, Ohio U.S.A.
Posts: 191
CAJ0818 HB UserCAJ0818 HB UserCAJ0818 HB User
Re: OMG - Adult content - Sex drive?

Thanks Debbie! We hug my Mom all the time, and I hold her hand when ever we walk. I think Mom might be missing her other Daughters and believe it or not my Dad, who she divorced when I was 15 and I am now 46.

My Dad passed away, but she ask about him all the time and ask me why he does not visit. I just tell her she knows Dad better than anyone and he does not like to visit people, unless they have the coffee ready and there is no place for him to get coffee here. She laughs and says you are so right! I tell her he is doing fine and he says hi and that seems to help for the moment.

Love,
Julie

 
Old 02-14-2011, 05:49 PM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 874
resolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB User
Re: OMG - Adult content - Sex drive?

Quote:
Originally Posted by DGabriel10 View Post

I remember a conversation I had with my Dad some years ago. I still laugh. As we were swinging on a beautiful spring afternoon, he leaned in close and ask me who that lady was watering the flowers. I just ask "Why?" He came back with.... "She's cute, I wonder if she will have sex with me?" I had to laugh and assured him that she probably would since that was his WIFE! He looked at me for a moment and then just said..."Well I picked well!" It has an element of humor in it but mostly it was nice to know that after all those years Dad would pick her out still! And they did have sex... until the last few months of Dad's life. Mom lost her desire about the same time Dad left.... which I find a blessing for them both.


Love, deb
Very sweet story.

Only consolation is that this comes and goes. In all of the 4 years my Mom has been in AL, only one person had to be removed because she became so sexually aggressive with the men. They would find her in their beds in the morning. Otherwise, they tell me it's often brief phases that come and go from the people's lives. I discussed it with them once (it was during the window of the one "problem" woman because she had told the people that if they kept her from the men, she'd find a woman and I knew that would really mess my Mom up.) They said it happens a lot and unless it's a significant problem they rarely tell the families.

Hopefully your mom will be "typical" and will phase out of it quickly.

If your Mom on an antidepressant? If not, and this is a long time problem,
maybe consider trying one. They do tend to cause sexual dysfunction in adults so it might suppress the issue some. Only medical intervention I can think of but I'd wait at least another month before I even gave something significant a thought.

 
Old 02-14-2011, 06:10 PM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: charlotte, nc, usa
Posts: 7,106
Gabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB User
Re: OMG - Adult content - Sex drive?

Resolution, Yes it comes and goes with some loved ones and then it is just gone as they progress in the disease. Having worked in LTC and having ALZ rampant in my family I see it often.

The desire I was talking about was sexual desire. That left Mom about the time Dad started his final decline so I have not had to worry about her aggression with others. It is a bless to her and to us

As for depression medication... she was never depressed a day in her life until she figured out that she was going down the ALZ road that she watched her mother go down. It was her worst nightmare. She told us it was depression but we finally figure out differently. It was full blown ALZ. She fought this disease with every ounce of her remaining self. In the process she spiraled into psychosis so she is not on antidepressants but a cocktail of psychiatric medications prescribed by an amazing geriatric psychiatrist after a lengthy stay in a senior behavioral medicine unit. They have worked beautifully. She has maintained her abilities but lost the hysteria and angst of the past.

I am not touching her meds!!

I would hate to try a med to decrease a natural urge that will pass and can be handled !

Love, Deb

 
Old 02-14-2011, 06:21 PM   #8
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 811
Kali333 HB UserKali333 HB UserKali333 HB UserKali333 HB UserKali333 HB UserKali333 HB UserKali333 HB UserKali333 HB UserKali333 HB UserKali333 HB UserKali333 HB User
Re: OMG - Adult content - Sex drive?

Quote:
Originally Posted by CAJ0818 View Post
Hi All,

I am sorry I am writing about this, and I am embarressed for my Mom that I am putting these words to paper, but I have no where else to go and I am at my wits end. My Mom, who before Alz was a real lady. But her sex drive is going crazy and she is not afraid to let anyone know it. She has walked to the dining hall completely naked. She has left her bra under the pillow of a man that has been married for 67 years. She told me that she is terrible and I ask her why and she said that every man that walks in the unit she wants to know how big his you know what is? I explained to her that it is just part of the disease and that she is not bad. But yesterday I went to the nursing home and found out my Mom was not allowed to have toliet paper when she goes to the bathroom and I asked why and the aide told me that my Mom has been taking all the toliet paper off the roll and shoving the cardboard part up her vigina? First of all is there something that the nursing home can give her so she is not having these urges? Also I do not know why I keep finding out about these things by chance. Is there some kind of report I can ask for that will tell me this is the kind of behavior they are having with my Mom.

Once again I am sorry for even writing this but I do not know what to do for my Mom. I am her Daughter and never thought I would have to deal with this. But I also realize it is part of life and I do not know what to do.......

I am thankful for any information you can give me.

Love,
Julie

#1: I know how painful it must be for you to write this stuff.
I can't imagine what you're going through. What a nightmare.

#2: Your mom is a grown woman. The fact that she was "a real lady" before this disease does not mean she didn't have a high libido before. Maybe she always did, and the disease is merely making her less inhibited.
There is nothing wrong with her having a high sex drive. There is only something wrong with her expressing it in inappropriate ways, ways in which she wouldn't have before this disease robbed her of all inhibition.
This may sound bizarre, but why don't you buy her a vibrator?
She's an adult, there's nothing wrong with her having one. Many women have one.
It's better than her trying to masturbate with unsanitary, potentially dangerous objects such as toilet paper rolls.
Buy her one, advise the staff that you're doing so, and enlist their help in making sure your mother uses it only in privacy.

That's my best idea.
I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Last edited by Kali333; 02-14-2011 at 06:33 PM.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to Kali333 For This Useful Post:
CAJ0818 (02-15-2011)
Old 02-14-2011, 06:51 PM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: charlotte, nc, usa
Posts: 7,106
Gabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB User
Re: OMG - Adult content - Sex drive?

Actually I like your idea Kali It takes into consideration the needs and desires of the loved one while putting it in a frame that is appropriate for her and others. Good idea!

Love, deb

 
Old 02-14-2011, 07:47 PM   #10
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 874
resolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB User
Re: OMG - Adult content - Sex drive?

I'm sorry, I wasn't clear. I just meant that your story was sweet. The rest of the post was meant to be directed to Julie.

Sorry again.

 
Old 02-14-2011, 07:51 PM   #11
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 874
resolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB User
Re: OMG - Adult content - Sex drive?

At my Mom's AL they charge according to how much care the person needs. Each little thing is a "cha-*****" on the bill. I can't help but smile when I think the the billing and cost associated with making sure someone's "toys" are used appropriately and privately.

 
Old 02-14-2011, 08:29 PM   #12
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: charlotte, nc, usa
Posts: 7,106
Gabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB User
Re: OMG - Adult content - Sex drive?

No problem Resolution It's all good and I don't mind explaining when there may be a misunderstanding.

I will have to say you last post made me laugh out loud. I will have to ask Wednesday what the extra charge would be... What a great laugh that I needed!! I wonder how they would charge that to on the billing???

Love, deb

 
Old 02-15-2011, 04:09 AM   #13
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Troy, Ohio U.S.A.
Posts: 191
CAJ0818 HB UserCAJ0818 HB UserCAJ0818 HB User
Re: OMG - Adult content - Sex drive?

Quote:
Originally Posted by resolution09 View Post
I'm sorry, I wasn't clear. I just meant that your story was sweet. The rest of the post was meant to be directed to Julie.

Sorry again.
Thanks resoulotion yes my Mom is on an anti-depressant.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Need opinions: Hiring full-time live-in care OR place in Alz. adult family home? dcsams Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia 21 10-23-2010 12:23 PM
Dementia (adult day care) Chris OB Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia 3 07-24-2010 06:44 PM
stop wanting to drive CCrews00 Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia 17 11-11-2009 12:27 PM
Found an Adult Family Home with a view!! TC08 Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia 53 09-24-2009 03:57 AM
MIL & the Adult Day Care Day angel_bear Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia 18 06-22-2005 08:29 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added




Top 10 Drugs Discussed on this Board.
(Go to DrugTalk.com for complete list)
Aricept
Aspirin
Ativan
Morphine
Namenda
  Reminyl
Risperdal Seroquel
Xanax
Zoloft




TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Gabriel (742), ninamarc (157), Martha H (124), meg1230 (93), angel_bear (68), jagsmu (55), Beginning (51), TC08 (44), ibake&pray (43), debbie g (37)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1136), MSJayhawk (941), Apollo123 (856), janewhite1 (823), Titchou (771), Gabriel (743), ladybud (667), sammy64 (666), midwest1 (655), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:35 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Copyright and Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!