They called us last night at 8 ...THE dreaded call. I was scared but seemed to move on autopilot. She had gone into respitory arrest. They had already called in Hospice and had begun giving her morphine and another drug to dry up the secretions in her throat. When we first got there her eyes were open and she seemed to be afraid. We sat with her, held her hand and talked her through it. With more drugs and time she calmed and closed her eyes. THey stayed closed til 5:30 the next morning...it was then that she opened her eyes .. looked at me and then within moments she closed her eyes again and gently slipped away. I was lucky enough to be holding her hand.
There is a calmness in us all. THere is relief in us all that she is done with this thing!! Of course we hurt but not as much as the hurt of watching her trapped within herself...or of watching the torture and torment this disease brought to her.
Though there is a calmness it is great heartbreak too. I seem to be waffleing back and forth...depending on who I talk to at the moment. I am really tired from not sleeping last night and I think exhaustion is playing a role..
my brother and his wife get into town tomorrow and we will celebrate her life with fun, family, stories, and a birthday party for my son...we'll have chocolate cake and bud light.
I just wanted to let you all know. I'll be back as often as I can in the next few days...in between fielding phone calls and just being with family and friends.
Dear Meg, I am so very sorry. It is hard. The dreaded call, and all the rest. All I can say is your title says it all: she is free. She and my Mom are dancing and flying around in the great beyond, happy to be free of the handicap that restricted both of their lives for a while.
You will always miss her, but you will be more and more able to concentrate on the good and happy times, and forget the bad and difficult times. You were the best daughter she could have had, you fought for her and made it possible for her to get the right care. God bless you, you are in my prayers today and always.
I have not accessed HB for quite a while but today I felt the need to check up on my old friends and fellow caregivers, thinking ''there must be something new and important." Yes, there was.
I am so sorry that your Mom passed away. Please accept my condolences.
Finally she will rest in peace.
I am sure you feel sad and have mixed feelings... You were a great daughter being with her all the time even after she threw you out of her will and all that. You are a patient and loving person. Your Mom was so lucky to have you by her side.
I am so sorry for your loss. You are such a wonderful daughter, and were a true blessing to your mom. I can tell you from all my experience with this illness, that you should be proud of the support you gave your mom, and your mom although walked such a difficult journey, she never did it alone. She is at peace, and now that she is free of this disease, you can be as well. I know you will miss her dearly. The longer I know you guys, the harder it is to read these messages......
Ohhhhhhh Meg.........I opened up the site and saw your title. I gasped out loud! I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes........my heart aches for you........you have been so amazing. Of course your emotions are all over the map - they will continue to be.
Do keep us posted as you are able. I just felt I wanted to go and sit with my DSD today. He slept the whole time, but I just kept looking at him......and whispering to him how much I love him and what a wonderful person / dad he has been to me........
Big prayers - big hugs to you my sweet, sweet friend.......sending angels toooooo
Of course we hurt but not as much as the hurt of watching her trapped within herself...or of watching the torture and torment this disease brought to her.
That is exactly how I felt right after my mom passed. I was sad and hurt that she was no longer here, but I also knew she could not stay here on earth any longer only to continue to suffer.
You are going to experience so many different emotions over the next few days... few months.... few years. Everyday you will feel something different. You will learn how to live a life without your mom here in person, but you will also do everything you can to keep her memory alive.
You were the best daughter to her and she knows that..
I'm so sorry Meg... but she is released from this terrible disease she was trapped with! Free as a bird! Of course it will be hard for you- you never stop missing them, but gradually the pain will lessen.
Celebrate her life with your family- that's a lovely idea. My condolences to you all xx
Meg, you said it all so well. I am so sorry for you loss, the loss that you have have now and the loss you have been dealing with for so long. You are an amazing daughter. You have cared for your Mom with determination, persistence, compassion, and love. You literally left no stone unturned and kept up with every turn your Mom threw your way. You are an inspiration.
Celebrate with your family. Hold them tight. Let the emotions ebb and flow. Remember the good times. Mix the tears with laughter and smiles. Know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Chris, Thanks for asking. This one has hit me especially hard. Thelma and Louise.... Meg, you and your Mom will always be close in my heart
my thoughts and prayers are with you. i read your post and every feeling you have is what i experienced with the loss of my mom. hang in there and i am sorry to hear about your mom. you are strong. love, debbie
We have come together to sing her praises and otherwise. It was not all fun and roses!!! We talked some of the awful stuff that went on..we talked about having to move her from one place to another as she progressed and how difficult it was. We talked about the aids who came to love her over time and sobbed over her body....as I comforted them. I didn't know I would be so controlled.
Maybe the overwhelmng grief will come later or maybe the thought of her being through with it trumps all other emotions! I am so glad it is over for her!!
If there is a G*D in heaven, she is there and I will beleve that and it is pretty comforting. I will believe there is a celebration there as well as here and she is the center of the attention...which of course she loved!
Of course the tears erupt here and there...but they are the kind of tears that are maintainable. Not uncontolled. That is surprising to me. I never thought I would be able to talk on the phone to so many people and be able to do it....talk. But I have been. Today though I have to call one of my elderly aunts and tell her. It will be difficult news for her to hear. It will be difficult news to tell.
Friday evening I found myself saying...My Mom is dead....My Mom died today...it all sounded so surreal. I say it now...still odd sounding....but I know it is true since I was holding her hand as it happened. I watched her go.
It has been wonderful to have all this family around...the 5 grandchildren included. We have been busy and will have company almost all the way through August. In September it will be quiet here and I will have time to myself to see how I am then. But I will guess I will be fine as she has taught me to be by her example.
Today there is more gathering of more people (and food ) . More fun stories...and more tears I am sure.
To all of you, I so appreciate all you have done for me to get me through the hardest times. All the information....all of the hand holding and butt kicking and tears wiped and towels gathered . This is how I got through with some sanity intact. By coming here. I hope to use the information I learned...through trial and error ...and pass it on to others who come this way.
I so appreciate the words of comfort and advice on what what lies ahead.
Deb, one half of Thelma and Louise has gone on to pave the way for the other...my mom is up there hoisting one with you dad ...maybe he'll take her for a drive in that flippin van...but don't tell your mom that just yet!! We don't want to get her started.
Martha, Chris, Ken, Diane, Lil Deb, Deb and deb...and all the others who are part of the graduating class of this disease...I now am an alumni with you and hope to follow in your footsteps. To find my way to the new normal that is out there for us.
Okay...now I have made myself cry typing this so I will go blow my nose.
Later...and love, Meg
The following 3 users give hugs of support to: meg1230 Martha H (07-31-2011), patw27 (08-06-2011), polina (07-31-2011)
.... Blowing my own nose.... Beautifully said Meg. I too waited for that onslaught of uncontrollable emotions but it has never come. Relief and a sense of peace mixed with a manageable missing was what I found. Even today there are a few tears but they are good. The thought of your Mom with Dad and waiting for my Mom is where my mind went as well.
Roll with all the emotions, tell all the stories, share with all the family, and most of all give yourself time to heal. Grab hold of the joy and celebration and know that the tears are good as well. Take it all in... your new normal will present itself.
Most of all know that you stay in my thoughts and prayers.