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Old 08-03-2011, 02:08 PM   #1
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Hard to Cope

I am having a very hard time with my mom. She is still asking me all kinds of questions, wants to go shopping every time I see her (and her legs are sore) but she just wants to go any way. She says if she sits it is worse. My mom always has an answer to whatever I say. I am crying every day and the thought of knowing she is in the nursing home and can't go out just tears me up inside. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. Whenever I do talk on the phone to my relatives they always say the same thing over and over again. I'm getting to the point where I don't want to talk to them. Today the nurse phoned me and she said my mom isn't going to the diningroom and is eating her meals in her room. She just started this the past few days. I saw her yesterday and now today she told the nurse she wants to see me. There are other things I need to do and also I feel I need a day away to get the strength to see her again. If she phones me to come and see her and I have other things to do that day what would you do under those circumstances? How do you keep on going? It is never ending. I'm tired, exhausted, crying every day etc. I hate that my mother has this horrible disease. I wish it would all go away.

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Old 08-03-2011, 02:39 PM   #2
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Re: Hard to Cope

Dear bearcubs,

I am so sorry that your Mom relies on you so... It seems she does not use the caregivers in the home. Is it a locked unit for memory loss? It is group care but there should be activities and outings. Weekly outings are nice and she needs to join the peers.

The other thing is, I know this is hard, have you always tried to please her and goes there every time she asks for you? I suggest that you may want to tune down a little bit and "ignore" her request. Maybe gradually she will join the peers, However if she is introvert, then it may be hard. Does she forget a lot? You can tell her that you went last time. She may not remember you came. The other possibility is she forgot you came and so she asked for you again and again.
One thing that is tricky with dementia elders is, they will repeat their requests again and again but you need to ignore it when you cannot go at all. You need to give yourself a break.

Sometimes the home may tell you to hire some one-on-one caregiver to help out for 2 or 3 hours in some days per week. I don't know about her stage so it is up to you.

If you are really so stressful, please give yourself a break. She may say heartbreaking stuff but if she forgot about last time, she would make you feel guilty to come again like you never came before!!

Maybe if you don't fulfill her requests all the time, she will have a chance to get to know the caregivers in the home. She may try to join the peers with dining or outings.

Take care,

Last edited by ninamarc; 08-03-2011 at 02:43 PM.

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Old 08-03-2011, 02:52 PM   #3
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Re: Hard to Cope

Hey Bearcubs -

SO sorry you're having a rough time. I feel for you - so very much. You said you don't have anyone to talk to. Come here and let it all out That's the beauty of this board!

I've come back to it because I realized my stress was building to intolerable levels and I needed to be able to talk / share / vent with others who I know understand.

I'm sending you a HUGE hug!! Take very good care of you. I know it's hard......

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bearcubs (08-03-2011)
Old 08-03-2011, 04:08 PM   #4
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Re: Hard to Cope

My mom use to be a very sociable person before she got this disease. Now she doesn't want to socialize much. Once in a while she will. She really isn't interested in the activities or outing unless I'm with her. I phoned her today to see what was up because the nurse called me and said my mom wants to see me. When I phoned her she said she didn't speak to any nurse. All was fine. I told her I will visit with her tomorrow. She said she is working. I told her I'll come any way. If she is there good, if not I'll come back later. She was happy with that. Thank you for your thoughts.


Old 08-03-2011, 05:30 PM   #5
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Re: Hard to Cope

Elaine.. it is the disease. You can't make it go away for it is what it is. Mom did the same things in AL. She didn't remember my visit, requested that I visit again, then when I called her she didn't remember that request. She would said I shouldn't come. Then she would call and want to know why I was not there. As I have told you before, you do not have to honor every request she makes. It will drive you bonkers because her request are ever changing depending on the moment. And no matter what I did it was not satisfactory. So I started visiting when I thought it was right for her and for me. If you need time off then take it.

A decrease in socialization is a symptom of the disease. It is difficult for her to know what to do and what to say. It is easier to just call you and stay in her room. That is when I backed off on the daily visits and went to every other day, then every third day. I ask the staff to take her to activities and outings even if she initially said no. In the world of dementia, no is not no. It is saying I don't know what you are talking about or I don't know how to do what you ask of me. Mom began to truly enjoy the evening activities involving music and the afternoon bingo sessions. As long as your Mom has you to lean on and depend on, it is easier to just call you than to do the unknown.

So dry up your tears. On the days you have other plans then do what you need to do. Mom will wait until tomorrow or the next day. She has no time line and will have no idea how long it has been since you were there. I actually took two weeks and went to Hawaii! When I returned Mom didn't have a clue I was not there yesterday ... and she was much more settled in her new home than when I left.

Love, deb

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