Deb.."we come here and throw it all on the table".
That made me laugh...it is true but it made me laugh....I just about threw the whole darn table a few times!
And, TC, don't be depressed about being depressed...it will only make it worse....
I mean, sheesh...no wonder any of us get depressed....this ain't no party!
Love, Meg
Last edited by meg1230; 09-24-2011 at 05:46 PM.
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Why stop with the table... throw out the chairs too Then we can all sit on the floor with a bottle of sweet wine.
TC... we all have our down days. This disease will drag you just as far as you let it. Throw in the rest of life and it's truly not easy. Yes, we all have our down times and there is nothing wrong with that. It is the downs that makes the ups so very good. And the ups will come again. That is what you have to remember. For as bad as it seems it will get better. It is that hope that truly gets me past those low moment. Knowing I can deal with whatever it is for as long as necessary... knowing that at some point it will be better. With that in mind I can focus on making it better instead of how bad it is. I'm not always successful but with practice it happens more and more.
Good for your friend. A true friend is one that will be honest with you and you will listen. They are rare and you are blessed. We all need somebody that loves us enough to be honest
Love, deb
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I am sorry your step Dad had been through bad NH for 6 months.
We are lucky that we found a very good memory unit - a residential home for memory impaired in Vermont. We looked and looked and almost gave up. We did see some bad homes in IL and some good ones. There are horrible NH and we didn't even consider them.
It takes a long time to find what we wanted and we were on the waiting list for 9 months. A good home sometimes has a long waiting list!
Sorry you have no other good NH nearby. I sure think it is possible that your stepDad will stay where he is as long as the caregivers/owners are consicentious and will do the right thing.
Good luck,
Nina
Last edited by ninamarc; 09-25-2011 at 08:25 AM.
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So - it's been an interesting week. My mom called me last weekend to tell me that one of the patients who was at the skilled nursing facility where my stepdad had spent some time (2 different 100 day medicare stays after hospitalization) had died.
My mom has become friends with the wife, and really wanted to pay her respects, but it was too far for her to drive, etc etc. So guess who took her?? Yup - me. And here's the weird part: of all the funeral homes / cemeteries, etc, yup - it had to be at the one where all of my family is laid to rest and where my parents will be as well. I have spent plenty of time out there this past year pre-planning for my folks. To have to go out there for a funeral for someone I barely knew was......not exactly fun. To sit there with my mom in the chapel and wonder........when will we be out here for our family.........was just not a pleasant thought.
I've wanted to write to you all all week about this. Kept telling myself "no Jan - don't - they're tired of hearing you vent", but......here I am!! Venting yet again. I've done my best to shake it off - to remind myself it was a favor to my mom (and she has thanked me several times for taking her - although I saw how much it shook her up and wondered if I did the right thing by taking her??).
I really am looking for the bright spots in life - though I'm sure it doesn't sound like it as of late. My crappy health hasn't been helping, but I am happy to say I seem to be turning a corner in that department! Changes to my thyroid meds do seem to be helping my energy levels, so that is a positive.
Although I continue to walk through this "fog" as Meg called it - I am seeing changes in myself. I think because this disease is so *big*, and losing my stepdad who has been so central in my life, I find joy in the little things. Spending time with my dogs is one of the most healing and joyful things for me. Although my rescue has turned my household upside down (!!), he's one of the best things that has happened to me.
Don't know if I've shared the story of him - the short version: I had pulled up to my vet clinic to get bad news about both of my Australian Shepherds. A man pulled up right next to me. We entered the clinic at the same time. I saw this adorable dog looking very scared in his arms. He told the clinic staff he had been trying for a week to catch this dog. The dog was so afraid to approach a human it took some yummy canned food and a week of persistence on the man's part to catch him.
He had stopped at the clinic to have the dog scanned for a microchip. No microchip - no collar - after filing all the appropriate reports and waiting the 30 days, "Jack" has become a member of my household. He has not been an easy dog as he was definitely abused - never housebroken - never trained at all. But.......what a love. And I realize as I'm writing this......though I've been plenty frustrated at times.......he's been worth every moment. He's laying right next to me as I write this, and my other sweet Bella dog is near me too. Such comfort.......such unconditional love!
Life is so unpredictable. We like to think of the aspects that we want / desire - we want love - we want fulfillment - we want purpose - we want happiness. Hopefully we get those aspects - but then there's also sorrow - disease - cancer - loss - struggle - loss of purpose. Right now I'm not looking for any big answers, as it's all too difficult to make sense out of. I'm doing my best to find comfort and a smile in the little things, and get through the big, difficult patches as best as I can.........
The following user gives a hug of support to TC08: luyingjie (01-24-2012)
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Do you really think it was just a coincidence that you were at the same funeral home .. maybe it was the universe gettng you ready for that next trip there. A dress rehearsal, of sorts.
And gee...please don't thnk you can't come here and whine....it is what we do best when we're not here pretending like we have all the answers. Hah!!
We are nothing if not a soft place to fall for one another.
We are a caring group...or we wouldn't be here in the first place...we care for our parents/spouses and we care for little lost animals. "We care for".
We should all get tshirts with that slogan. Or we could embroider it on our towels.
And looking for the bright spots...gotta do it! They are all over..all around us. Keep looking and they will show themselves.
And as for looking for answers...well, that one made me laugh. I was always looking for answers. I was lucky some days to even know the questions!
Love, Meg
Last edited by meg1230; 09-30-2011 at 11:36 AM.
The following user gives a hug of support to meg1230: luyingjie (01-24-2012)
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Maybe your Mom needs an outing. Just think your Mom is the one dealing with your stepDad everyday seeing him and making sure things are working out OK in the home.
Perhaps both of you need to find some nice place to go. Sorry the funeral home was not a good choice, but I guess your Mom probably needs to have some social gathering. Maybe she thinks this will come one day too. Does not hurt to prepare for it. I sure hope you guys have the final planning - not everyone likes to do that...
Try to see that your Mom is also in stress like you. She must have felt worse since he is her spouse.
TC... This is where we come to find the support we need, a place to vent our feelings, and as Meg said a soft place to fall. This is where you find those that get it! When our thoughts get all jumbled up in the good and bad, right and wrong, up and down, we can just come here and sort it all out the best we can or know that it will be ok.
I am sure going to the same funeral home and cemetery was not first on your priority list but it was what your Mom wanted to do and you were there for her. Don't question it... you helped Mom and I am sure you helped her friend as well. And in many ways you helped yourself. Not all of life is pleasant. There are many times we have to do things that are uncomfortable. But each time we do we find a little more strength. Then you go home, look around, and see the blessings that are right there in front of you. Your new rescue is a blessing that was meant to be and a comfort after a trying time. It's all about balance. The good will carry you through the rough times.
Many times it is how you look at something and the thoughts you carry with you. Focus on what you did for Mom and her friend rather than what the future may bring. Focus on your blessings at home. Hold the best of what you can close.... whine about the rest and then put it to rest. You have done two good things (taking Mom and the rescue). They will bought bring light to your life
Yep, life is unpredictable for sure. If somebody had told me 15 years ago I would be where I am now I would have laughed and declared it a joke. But here I am. It's not what I imagined but it's what I have. What's next? I don't know. What I do know is that I have handled life so far, through good times and not so good times, and I can continue to do whatever I need to do. I see the same in you. Each of us have survived to this moment and we will go on... and on... if necessary.... with a little help from our friends
Throwing you a stack of pretty towels for your puppy's bed. What a blessing for you!
Hi Tc--hope you are feeling ok today.As I was reading your post one sentence kept going round and round in my head--"There are NO random events".I sometimes look at my life and see how everything ties together and that happened because this happened and I had to go through this way in order to get where I am today. I used to spend too much time worrying if what I did was right or wrong and what if.....no point! It`s just LIFE. I don`t believe for a moment that you ended up in that place with your mum by accident just like you did not end up at the vet at that time by accident.There are NO random events.All events are pieces of the puzzle and they are needed to complete the picture.If you spend a lot of time churning over what happened yesterday or last week,you`ll miss the joy of today.Today is all any of us have so let`s make the most of it.And move on to the next experience.Love and hugs to you,mom,and doggie!
Thanks all for the thoughtful replies. Yup - sometimes it's more than I can make sense of, but it is true that I gratefully can come back to my home, my dogs, and rest.
We all do the best we can. What more is there? Right now I am enjoying a great cup of coffee, and the company of my dogs Jack & Bella. This is a good moment in time. I do wonder if I will someday look back on all of this and be able to see that it 1) made me stronger or 2) broke my spirit in some ways.......yet, even out of broken spirits comes strength, so there's the answer.
That's the answer TC... whatever we walk through makes us stronger in some way. Struggles are usually the ones that bring the greatest satisfaction in the end. I'm with Avio. I learned that second guessing the past and worrying about the future just takes away from the joys we can find today. In the future you will look back and say...."Whew, I made it " .... then it's on to the next adventure.
Yep.. I have made it through the other side of this disease and it has made me stronger.
Example: Today I was taking the leaves out of my mother's beloved dining room table. You'd think the thing was made of gold, she loved it so much. Anyway, I went to the drawer to pull out a clean table cloth and happened to see a Christmas one. I commented, simply..."Well, it'll be Christmas soon"...and that was it. From out of nowhere. It almost buckled me. It sucked the wind right out of me. Truly I thought I would go go my knees but I didn't. I caught my breath ...took a few minutes and put the clean table cloth on.
It is the unexpected that is hard to handle but just like dealing with the disease, it is the unexpected (and yes, sometimes the expected) that we grapple with...always bobbing and weaving our way through it all. We are pros!
Oh Meg.......sorry that happened today. Yes - I agree - the unexpected times really get us. I visited my stepdad today, and found myself looking - well - staring at him - I do this sometimes when I'm with him - and saying to myself over-and-over-again "he's sick - he's sick." That must sound silly - but it's like sometimes I really have to t-e-l-l- myself.......it's not like he's not right there in front of me - in such a diminished physical and mental capacity that I could *miss* it
I'm keeping a close eye on my mom too. Nothing new - she has lapses of memory - we've had a neuro workup on her - but I'm just keeping my eyes open. Never a dull moment..........
Sorry your Mom has memory problem. Sure hope the doctor can help her. You don't need more problems...
It is true if you look into his eyes, the step Dad is not the same person like before. Yet he is still there - the personality and habits and etc. The memory is gone. He may not know you and etc.
My FIL likes to work so much that the family has become his colleagues in his dreams.
He forgot his son's childhood and forgot his elder son from another marriage. (That son is in Europe and never viistied.)
He even forgot to drive us crazy about work... He no longer demands that we "work" and talk about his old work anymore. Yet I can tell if he remembers, he will. Well, the desire and wish are there and he just cannot carry out. The good memory is gone too. But the funny part is he looks nice because he does not demand that much anymore. It does not make any difference to me because I know who he is. I would not think of him as a different person but I do know that he has lost many familiar things there...
He is still the same person, but he forgot it all... Sad...
I get it TC. Your brain knows it but your heart is just not ready to accept it yet. It's not that you forget it but that you wish so hard it wasn't so. Knowing and accepting are not the same. This disease, with it's ups and downs, lends itself to disbelief. Yet it is and we eventually have to come to grips with the reality... or go batty! I also understand having two at a time. It will tear you in two directions at once when going in just one is hard enough. Hang in there, make sure to take time for yourself and your puppies. You have made it this far and you will go on
That's it Deb - my brain knows, my heart doesn't want to accept it.....I had a great talk with my stepdad's caregiver yesterday. Her mother was recently diagnosed with the same type of dementia that my stepdad has......so now she is relating on a whole new level
She commented how much more difficult it is dealing with it with her own mom than with her residents. I looked at her and said "because it's your parent." We sat there in silence, just nodding "yes" to eachother.....I have felt bonded to her before, but I feel even more bonded to her now. I told her how grateful I am to her and how I know they do an excellent job of taking care of my stepdad. It truly is the best care he's had.
I can honestly say I love this woman! I will be forever grateful to her for the incredible care she has taken of my stepdad and the peace of mind she has given me.
So I got a call from my biological dad this morning. It's my birthday today so I knew he would be calling to wish me a happy birthday. He didn't sound like his usual upbeat self though. Turns out his doctor wants him to have a CT scan. The doctor has taken a couple of x rays of my dad's chest (concerns about being short of breath), and he's not satisfied with what he might be seeing. It's so strange to hear my dad - well - upset........so I'm taking him to his appointment this Thursday. Tomorrow is stepdad to the eye doctor and Thursday is my dad for the CT scan. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise that I'm not working right now??
The following user gives a hug of support to TC08: ninamarc (10-03-2011)
So sorry now you have to drive your own dad too. This is a lot in your hands! You are right, you now have to be full-time caregiver probably!!
Sure hope your Dad may just need medications. It is so hard. I got my own parents and my FIL so that is 3 parents too. Fortunately I have enough with my FIL and I only need to visit my parents who have my other sisters' divine help.
Then we can all sit on the floor with a bottle of sweet wine. 
