It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 11-06-2011, 08:27 PM   #1
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 243
bearcubs HB Userbearcubs HB Userbearcubs HB Userbearcubs HB User
Need Help!!!

When I visit my mom in the nursing home and it is time for me to leave, my mom always says to me I hate it here, that she wants to move to live with her mother whom she believes is living and she says to me how would you like to live here or in a place like this and I have tried to tell her the good things but all she can think of are the bad ones. What can I tell her because she doesn't know she has dementia and she thinks she can go live on her own. If I tried to explain the situation to her she would just be angry and not want anything to do with me. Ideas please.

 
Old 11-06-2011, 09:17 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: charlotte, nc, usa
Posts: 7,135
Gabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB User
Re: Need Help!!!

No, you can not explain your reality to her. It will only make things worse. You can tell her what you see and she is going to continue to see what she sees. It is just like somebody telling you that the sky is red. You look up and it's blue. Yep, you would argue with them. Your mom only sees what is in her mind.

There was a time when my Mom did the same types of thing. I took several approaches. I wold let her complain a while and then say.... "I am so sorry your feel that way, we will see what we can do about it tomorrow."... then leave. Or I would elicit the care staff to distract her while I left. Please do NOT make a big deal of leaving. Just tell her you have to go to the store, to a meeting, to anywhere that is neutral and then leave.

Your Mom wants to go live with her mother who is not longer living. That in itself tells you that you can not reason with her. You do need to know that it is not the place that she is rebelling against but the cloud of confusion in her head. No matter where she is that will be with her. So no guilt because she is there. She is where she needs to be... she just doesn't know it. So do it all the easy way and don't try to explain to her. Just go as quickly as you can with out extended conversation

Love, deb

 
The following user gives a hug of support to Gabriel:
bearcubs (11-07-2011)
The Following User Says Thank You to Gabriel For This Useful Post:
bearcubs (11-07-2011)
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 11-07-2011, 08:04 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
ninamarc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Canada/USA
Posts: 1,703
ninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB User
Re: Need Help!!!

Bear,

I am so sorry your Mom hates it. My FIL loves his new NH but when he was home alone, he didn't like it. Every time we visited him, he loved it but when we left, he was not happy. He always wanted to "come with us". He said he belonged to his son about work (he has never been in the same field with my husband; it is his own illusional wish.) It takes a few days for him to forget about it and moved on with the caregivers.

Now he has so many things to do and so many caregivers who pay attention to him in his new NH, so he loves it. He even blamed us for not knowing how to cope with his walking problem. he cannot walk and he needs help to put him on the walker and he barely can use the walker. He needs lots of help to put him on the wheelchair from the walker (he holds on to the walker to balance himself.)
My FIL is into the reality so he never talks about the imagined home. He always asked someone to take him home when he was home alone. He knew that he was alone although there were caregivers 24/7.

In your Mom's case, you really cannot reason with her anymore. If she can sense a little reality, then she would only get mad/frustrated about it. If she has no clues about the reality, she would think you are crazy and she would never admit she is sick. My FIL never admitted he has AD although he knows his brain has something wrong. No one likes to admit that he/she has fatal disease.

You may want to distract her or ask the director and discuss what is the best care plan so she would feel happier. Maybe she needs certain activities and etc. Hiring a part-time one-on-one caregiver can help too.
You need to find out what would make her happy. Gardening? Reading? watching some shows? Try to find out what she really wants and show her those things so she can be distracted. Later on, she will forget more about it once she is used to the NH in 3-6 months.

Good luck,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 11-07-2011 at 08:05 AM.

 
The following user gives a hug of support to ninamarc:
bearcubs (11-07-2011)
The Following User Says Thank You to ninamarc For This Useful Post:
bearcubs (11-07-2011)
Old 11-07-2011, 09:31 AM   #4
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Washington state
Posts: 467
TC08 HB UserTC08 HB UserTC08 HB UserTC08 HB UserTC08 HB UserTC08 HB UserTC08 HB UserTC08 HB UserTC08 HB UserTC08 HB User
Re: Need Help!!!

Hey Bear -

So sorry this is happening. I'm with Deb - say anything that is neutral / neutralizing when you need to exit. You'll check into that.......you'll see what you can do......I like the idea of engaging her / distracting her with a caregiver as well.

I hurt for you - this is a tough one. My stepdad doesn't fight us when we leave him, he just seems resigned to it, which also makes me very sad. I usually time my visits so that I can stay until his dinnertime. The owners / caregivers actually asked us when we first moved him there not to stay around during mealtimes as it is difficult on the other residents in the family home. Usually my last glance of him is him sitting in his wheelchair, with his bib on getting ready to eat. It can just kill me sometimes........this man who was so strong.......so capable........

Try not to make a big deal out of leaving - I know - easier said than done - and let us know how it's going - {{{hugs}}} Jan

 
The following user gives a hug of support to TC08:
bearcubs (11-07-2011)
Old 11-07-2011, 12:09 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: charlotte, nc, usa
Posts: 7,135
Gabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB User
Re: Need Help!!!

One of the things I have done lately Bear, rather than saying "Bye", is to say "I'll be back!". Remember, they have no time frame. I will come in, find Mom, walk with her a few minutes or talk to her, then say "I'll be back" and go do whatever else I need to do. Then I will go back to her and visit a while longer. If I have to go to the bathroom I will say "I'll be back" with a smile, leave and come back. That way when I have to leave for the day I just say "I'll be back" and go. Over time she expects me to be back and it's ok.

Occasionally, like yesterday, I said "I'll be back" and she hotfooted it after me. I did a big loop and went right back into the commons area. I found her a snack, sat her down with her back to the door, said "I'll be back", and she smiled as I walked away.

There are times Mom will blurt out something she doesn't like and that always gets an "I know it's frustrating, so I'll check on that and deal with it". Rather than denying her emotions, go with them. Let her know you empathize and will fix it... even though you know you can't At least she may feel better which will make you feel better. What you can't do is convince them that they are wrong.

Love, deb

 
The Following User Says Thank You to Gabriel For This Useful Post:
TC08 (11-07-2011)
Old 11-07-2011, 12:13 PM   #6
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Washington state
Posts: 467
TC08 HB UserTC08 HB UserTC08 HB UserTC08 HB UserTC08 HB UserTC08 HB UserTC08 HB UserTC08 HB UserTC08 HB UserTC08 HB User
Re: Need Help!!!

Couldn't have put it any better than Deb did - I will add what I say (and what I've gotten my mom to say as well) - "see you soon"!

 
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to TC08 For This Useful Post:
bearcubs (11-07-2011), Gabriel (11-07-2011)
Old 11-07-2011, 12:44 PM   #7
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 243
bearcubs HB Userbearcubs HB Userbearcubs HB Userbearcubs HB User
Re: Need Help!!!

My mom has been in the nursing home for 16 months. She isn't interested in any activities or being friends with anyone. She says they have their own friends and she thinks everyone goes out.

 
Old 11-07-2011, 12:48 PM   #8
Facilitator
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 14,851
Titchou HB UserTitchou HB UserTitchou HB UserTitchou HB UserTitchou HB UserTitchou HB UserTitchou HB UserTitchou HB UserTitchou HB UserTitchou HB UserTitchou HB User
Re: Need Help!!!

I agree - I would just tell her that you'll check into it and leave it at that.

 
Old 11-07-2011, 03:58 PM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: charlotte, nc, usa
Posts: 7,135
Gabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB User
Re: Need Help!!!

Bear, that is not unusual. She has lost the ability to socialize. She does not understand what they are doing or saying or why. Much of what she sees and hears feeds the paranoia that comes with the disease. If left to her own she will stay in her safe zone... with you... and make you feel guilty (if she can) for not moving her somewhere else or staying with her. Yep, I have been through this with my Mom Perhaps if you go with her to activities for a while it might help her. I found that when I took Mom she would end up enjoying herself. If I ask her to go, she said NO NO NO!! Always with the excuses of how horrible everybody and everything was. But if I just took her hand and said... come on! she would go with me. Once there, with a little encouragement, she would participate. Not all the time but sometimes and anything is good. It's worth trying.

Love, deb

 
The following user gives a hug of support to Gabriel:
bearcubs (11-08-2011)
The Following User Says Thank You to Gabriel For This Useful Post:
bearcubs (11-08-2011)
Old 11-07-2011, 07:22 PM   #10
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 8
breakfree27 HB User
Re: Need Help!!!

Never did I think that I would be in the position where I could give advice, let alone understand any of this.

Bear, I, like others here, know your frustration and sadness all too well. Reading the others' posts, I really can't add much, but wanted to show my love and support and let you know that you are not alone.

One thing I do now when leaving my Mom, is I check my cell phone for a text (which isn't there, obviously), and I say, "Oh, <so-and-so> is ready to be picked up, so I'm going to go get him/her and I'll be right back!" (said with a smile, and very nonchalant)

Another thing I do frequently is like TC08 says, and time my visits just before her meal times. I just say, "Well, Mom, since you're eating lunch, I'm going to go downstairs and grab a bite to eat, and be back"...She is totally fine with that.

I also understand the feeling of our loved ones asking for deceased relatives. The first question my Mom asked me the other day as I approached her was "Where's your brother?" (My brother committed suicide in '98). I said, "Oh, he's at work and will be here after"...She was satisfied with that answer.

It is totally heartbreaking. I HATE this disease!

 
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: breakfree27
bearcubs (11-08-2011), TC08 (11-08-2011)
The Following User Says Thank You to breakfree27 For This Useful Post:
bearcubs (11-08-2011)
Old 11-08-2011, 02:18 PM   #11
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: highland park, il 60035
Posts: 2,484
debbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB User
Re: Need Help!!!

there are many ways to leave and everyone of us has done it. its so hard. with my mom i tried to use the aid my mom loved and it worked. only on the days the aid worked. it broke my heart. just take deep breaths because there is no choice. you will be ok.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to debbie g For This Useful Post:
bearcubs (11-08-2011)
Old 11-09-2011, 08:10 AM   #12
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
ninamarc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Canada/USA
Posts: 1,703
ninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB User
Re: Need Help!!!

We now sometimes just leave my FIL at mealtime - he pays attention to his mates at the table. Sometimes he fell asleep and we just left. He forgot about us coming already. It would help if he forgets more about this. The more forgetful your Mom is, the easier to leave her. Sometimes we don't say goodbye but sometimes we say goodbye. My FIL sometimes would say please come back happily.

Hope this helps,
Nina

 
Closed Thread




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added




Top 10 Drugs Discussed on this Board.
(Go to DrugTalk.com for complete list)
Aricept
Aspirin
Ativan
Morphine
Namenda
  Reminyl
Risperdal Seroquel
Xanax
Zoloft




TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Gabriel (756), ninamarc (157), Martha H (124), meg1230 (93), angel_bear (68), jagsmu (55), Beginning (51), TC08 (44), ibake&pray (43), debbie g (37)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1164), MSJayhawk (997), Apollo123 (896), Titchou (832), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (757), ladybud (745), sammy64 (666), midwest1 (665), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:56 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!