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Old 11-21-2011, 01:29 PM   #1
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Questions

My mom wanted to know all about her money e.g. bank accounts, going to the bank etc. She said "tell me the truth" and when I told her she got angry just like I thought would happen. When she keeps on talking about her money and going to the bank, I have told her "another day" and so on. I get so stressed out with all the questions. Is there anything new I can tell her because I am running out of things to say and I don't like telling her the same thing all the time. We always have to deal with money. When we go to the dentist, hairdresser, shopping it is always about money and alway will be. My mom keeps asking to go shopping and I keep putting her off but I know it would be nice for her but very stressful for me. What can I say to her about going shopping? If we go she "always" wants to buy something and starts talking about going to the bank to get some money. Oh boy!!!!!!!!!!! Ideas on how to handle this issue about money. Money can be a good thing and also

 
Old 11-21-2011, 03:55 PM   #2
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Re: Questions

Just keep doing what you are doing. Direct her with other activities within the facility, promise tomorrow, assure her you will check, give her excuses, and divert some more. Yes, it seems like you have to do this over and over and over. You do have to do it over and over and over. Yes, it is frustrating but it is what needs to be done. There will be a day when she will no longer ask. This will not happen until she loses more of her cognitive abilities so just be thankful she can ask

Your questions are about money, mine were about the van. Where is the van? Who has the van? Was the van stolen? Why can't I drive the van? You need to get the van back here immediately! Day after day, phone call after phone call, conversation after conversation, and even letters about where is the Van? This went on for about 2 years!! Yes there were days I got frustrated but there was nothing that could be done because there was no way we could let them drive. I just had to keep diverting, making excuses, and promising for another day.... yep for 2 years. After a while you just get used to it. Then one day the questions stopped. Mom could not longer use her words and had lost her ability to communicate and Dad was too sick to care. There are days now I would love to have to field those questions again.

There is nothing wrong with saying the same thing over and over. Your Mom is asking the same questions because she didn't remember the last conversation. If she can't remember asking before then she doesn't remember your answer... and you can use it again

The worst part is the emotional tug these types of questions have on us. We wish Mom could shop and manage her own money, and go to the bank, and know how to deal with every day live... even know how to drive... but that is not what we have to deal with. Shopping is not just stressful for you, it would be stressful for your Mom. As much as she thinks she wants to go, when she gets there she will be overwhelmed. So you promise for next week, knowing next week will never come. It is the best not only for you but for you Mom as well. You know that shopping leads to money questions. This is because Mom just doesn't understand or remember. So why take her where there will be more questions?

Leave a few dollars in her wallet. Promise to take her another day. Assure her that all is well with her money or you will check on it for her later. They get her a bowl of ice cream, a cookie, or a piece of chocolate. Take her for a walk or sing a song she will know the words. Yep, just keep doing what you are doing ... and enjoy the ice cream!

Love, deb

 
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Old 11-22-2011, 06:45 AM   #3
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Re: Questions

Bear,

This is nothing new. My FIL used to ask about money too. He even asked my husband on Oct. 4 about money but we told him don't worry about it and he was fine. Well back in 2004-2009, it is not so simple!! My, it had been painful to us! He took all of the blank checks, I mean all of them, and he thought those were cash and he put them in his pocket! We had to take them away by taking out some and eventually took it away and he thought the caregiver took it. He wanted to fight for it but he forgot it in a week! He remembered for 2 or 3 days and it was like hell. He didn't believe in my husband who put him off and he insisted he wanted to do something himself... He asked for cash so we gave him $20 or less. He even hided his checkbooks/money under his pillow. He put them in the pant's pocket and put it under his pillow so he could remember...

The worst part was about his own will. He and his late wife made the will in 1996 and he became a widower in 2004. He got worse because he thought he needed to give his late wife's money to his home country to his elder son before he dies. He almost wanted to sue us thinking we didn't do anything and that we "changed" the will??? We have no way to change anything. My husband is the trustee for all of these things. My FIL has always been crazy about finances. In other words, he does not understand it whatsoever - only his late wife knew.

It was difficult. We tried everything to distract him. Thank God, he no longer cares about it literally. In the beginning, he ordered vitamin himself and some computer CD himself... We had to cancel its membership and took away his debit card... For at least 2 or 3 years, he got his debit card and it was a mess.
He paid the water bill twice and he changed the phone plan twice and I went crazy changing the payment method to online.... It was terrible. I hate him for that!

It depends on each person. You may want to distract her and give her some cash. However, if she is very alert, you may need to allow her to make small mistakes... Later on she will forget about it.
You still have to take away her debit card and checks in case she pays too much.

Good luck,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 11-22-2011 at 06:53 AM.

 
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:10 AM   #4
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Re: Questions

Ninamarc, My mother lives in a nursing home so she is not able to go out on her own. We look after all her finances. This is the part that is hard because when we tell her she gets angry and she says she wants to go to the bank and get it straightened out. The problem with money is it is always on her mind. Something you want her to forget and she doesn't. It is ongoing. When I take her to the hairdresser, she'll say we should have gone to the bank to get some money. I don't want to upset her by trying to tell her that I'm looking after it because she gets so angry. It drives me crazy.

 
Old 11-22-2011, 07:38 AM   #5
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Re: Questions

Bear, if the hairdresser charges $20 then slip a $20 in a pocket book and give it to her before she goes in. When she ask about the money tell her to look in the pocket book. The money will be there. To cover up the fact that she "forgot" she may not bring it up again that trip Or, you can get a debit card for her account. Hand her the pocket book with the debit card when it is time to pay. Then make sure she leaves the pocket book in the car when you take her back. That way she will think it is ok, at least in the moment I did this with Mom grocery shopping for a couple of years. I also put a few dollars in Dad's wallet so it was there when he looked. You just have to be creative.

Love, deb

 
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:45 AM   #6
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Re: Questions

Quote:
Originally Posted by bearcubs View Post
Ninamarc, My mother lives in a nursing home so she is not able to go out on her own. We look after all her finances. This is the part that is hard because when we tell her she gets angry and she says she wants to go to the bank and get it straightened out. The problem with money is it is always on her mind. Something you want her to forget and she doesn't. It is ongoing. When I take her to the hairdresser, she'll say we should have gone to the bank to get some money. I don't want to upset her by trying to tell her that I'm looking after it because she gets so angry. It drives me crazy.
My FIL is now in a NH as well. However, he no longer wanted to have any debit card or pay anything before he left his old house. He still asks about cash or money in the NH but since the home charges it on the paper monthly anyway, he needs no cash or cards. Once in a while, someone gives him fake money/paper money and he was OK with it. He no longer knows about banking and etc. Now if the hairdresser cuts his hair in the home, he does not care because she charges it to the account only. No cash and no messy business.

For your Mom, I think she is still in earlier stage so she knows about the banking.
Probably you can tell her everyone in the NH is the same. No need to worry about paying it now. Tell her they just charge it and she will pay later. Later on she may not remember she has to pay for it!

Take care,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 11-22-2011 at 10:45 AM.

 
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Old 11-22-2011, 08:00 AM   #7
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Re: Questions

Thank you ladies for the great tips. I know other people have been or they are in the same shoes as me. As always, I can come here for help and advice. Have a wonderful day!!

Luv Elaine

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Old 11-22-2011, 08:17 AM   #8
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Re: Questions

Hi Elaine,

When my mom wants to go shopping, I always tell her that we'll certainly do that, just as soon as:

a) the weather is better
b) they finish repaving the parking lot
or
c) the big sale starts next week

One of those three usually takes care of it. Don't worry about repeating yourself--it may drive YOU crazy, but they don't remember that you used the same excuse yesterday.

I found some play money online and printed it out for Mom. Both sides are the same and it's obvious to anyone else that it's fake, but it looks real to her. She uses it to "tip" the staff at the nursing home

Another thing with my Mom was her keys, so I bought some blanks at the hardware store in various shapes and sizes, put them on a key ring, and she carries them in her purse.

Hope this helps a little--hang in there!

~Kren

 
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:57 PM   #9
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Re: Questions

Kren,

Thank you for the ideas and suggestions. I'll try this and hopefully it will work for me too!! Have a wonderful day!!!

 
Old 11-25-2011, 09:36 AM   #10
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Re: Questions

bear, my mom also worries about money, but not as much as yours, while in the hospital when dinner comes she always wants to pay for it, I have repeated so many times that I can not remember, ohoh. I always tell my mom to tell them to put it on the tab, even the nurses ask now if she wants to put it on the tab and she now replies, yes and add something little for yourselve..works like a charm she now tells everybody the same thing, put it on the tab.... even the person cleaning the room or making the bed..

hugs judy

 
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