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Old 12-09-2011, 08:10 AM   #1
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Am I causing my mom stress

I am starting to wonder if I am causing my mom stress. My daily visits with my mom at the hospital usually consist of being there before dinner around 3.30 and then staying until aroun 7.00 ish,this has been my hours since she broke her hip oct13/2011. omg almost 2 months now. A couple of times after i leave my mom has had what is best discribed as a tantrum.yelling about going home, scream and crying. I always leave when she is distracted by something and always tell her that i will return after such and such, but like i said it is getting harder and harder. The nurse mentioned something about my mom getting to reliant on me being there???? I have got in the habit of waiting in the waiting room out of site for around 1/2 hour before i leave to make sure she is okay. yesterday they called me in, I got there around 10ish, takes me about 30 minutes at the fastest, 45 when the light are not in my favor , my mom was not letting them get her cleaned up for the day, clean clothes, change her depends ect. she was just not having anything to do with them, took me about 5 minutes after i got there to accomplish this. i am feeling that the nurses are taking advantage of me in this aspect and that this was truely their job and they should have figured it out, i don not mind being called in any time of day or night if my mother is stressing out and they really need to calm her or something like that, but because she would not let them help her without causing a scene, i am just not sure....
so on one hand they think my mom is too reliant on me, making me feel awlful, and on the other they want me to do their job.... okay where is the happy medium here?????

Last edited by jagsmu; 12-09-2011 at 08:20 AM.

 
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Old 12-09-2011, 02:05 PM   #2
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Re: Am I causing my mom stress

One of the many questions with no definitive answer!! You are trying to put rational logical cause and effect on a situation that is irrational. Mom's melt downs after you leave may or may not have anything to do with your visit. I would suspect it is caused by sundowning and not by something you are doing. That is the time of day when they are the most confused. Your visits may be delaying the melt down and actually making it better (or at least shorter). You may very well be her security. But she may be distressed because you are gone. It's not dependence as much as just knowing you are no there.

As for the care givers calling you in the morning... is this a facility that is trained in dementia care?... or just regular hospital staff? If they pop in on Mom, she's not ready to cooperate, and they push her, she is going to rebel. If they continue once she is upset it is only going to get worse. They say Mom is being feisty when in fact that don't have a clue how to deal with her and it is their problem not Mom's. She's reacted appropriately related to her dementia.

They should go in up beat, not in a hurry, talk to her, let her know what they are going to do, and try to involve her in her care based on her abilities. If she refuses, back off and try again later or with another care giver. Never demand or become hostile with them. If they get in a fight with dementia... they will lose! ... or you will end up there Mom's caregivers know not to wake Mom up. As soon as she gets up, they give her medication. Then they give her about 20 minutes to adjust to being awake and the meds to take effect. Then Mom's favorite care giver goes in and coxes her through her morning routine. Works every time. But if they shake her and wake her and start ripping off her clothes she will fight them. Wouldn't you if somebody you didn't know came in and started undressing you? They can not explain to Mom what is happening because she can not process what they are saying like a mentally alert patient. Untrained staff doesn't understand this difference.

So you probably need to look a little deeper to figure out what is going on Don't blame it on your visits or Mom's temperament until you know the before and after and what happens if it is different.

What you can't do is take a guilt trip. Guilt is reserved for a time when you deserve blame. There is no way you deserve the blame for Mom's acting out, her temperament, the inability of staff, or because she has a brain disease. You are doing the best you can in a bad situation. That is all anybody can ask of you so leave the guilt trip for those who need it

Love, deb

 
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Old 12-09-2011, 03:14 PM   #3
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Re: Am I causing my mom stress

i agree. i do not think its you causing stress because there is no rhyme or reason to this disease. the nurses need to do their job. i always visited my mom and it was torture to leave. but some of the aid came to my rescue and got her interested in something so i could leave. i never got any phone calls from the nursing home. check everything out and cherish being with her when you can.

 
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Old 12-12-2011, 10:39 AM   #4
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Re: Am I causing my mom stress

It depends on the situation. Although most of the time, it is the home or hospital's responsibility to make sure the patient is content and stable, sometimes I feel the family may be one factor. Not that I think you did wrong or anything. I think given your Mom's hip situation, you need to be there. The only thing is you may want to behave a little different so the nurses can help her without you. Otherwise you are not wrong.

In my experience, we do at times cause my FIL some anxiety. First of all, we are not there all the time. He is used to the caregivers and nurses there. We are not used to help him to move, for example. So he thinks we endangered him when transferring him from the chair to the wheelchair. he has pride, so when I did lots of actions to help him eat his lunch by turning the dish or moving the fork or spoon, in the end, he got ****** off and put his fork down with noise to show his anger (he cannot express well anymiore.) So we leave him alone when he eats his pureed food with spoon and ignore it if he makes a little mess.
If I mentioned he cannot walk in front of him, he got upset.
So what we do is to observe what the professionals do there and respect their steps and we don't impose on him our way without consulting the directors.

Otherwise my FIL likes our company but I feel bored since we don't talk anymore. So I played with their puzzle in the activity room and etc.

Certainly you need to be there to make sure the nurses do the job, but you also need to give them space to allow her to get used to the nurses when you are not there.

Some well-known nursing homes do tell the family to stay away for weeks in the beginning so the person can get used to the new people.

A hospital is different but I guess the caregiving part may be the same. However if the nurse is not doing her job, then it is also the nurse's problem.

Hugs,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 12-12-2011 at 11:00 AM.

 
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