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Old 01-19-2012, 06:42 AM   #1
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I need to vent

It's been such a horrible night, and this time not due to my mother. Well, not enirely. Some how my step father managed to rip his entire toe nail off and his is diabetic. We couldn't get the bleeding to stop and there was blood everywhere. And he's the stubborn sort, so of course we couldn't get him to agree to go to the hospital.

My step dad has recent' started "seeing" a woman and I wasn't sure how I felt about it. I know we didn't plan on my mother getting sick and I know he needs companionship just like anyone else. But last night I truly fell in love with the woman, If it hadn't been for her, I don't know what I would have done. She was the only person I could think of to call and she was here and helped with my mother and helped me clean up all the mess and get my step father in bed. She even called a friend of her's who is a nurse and got us step by step instructions on what to do.

So, yeah, it was a LONG night. Thankfully my mother did sleep, so I'm semi well rested today. But for the next week I am going to be basically the sole care giver during the day until my step father's "friend" gets off work. But she's promised to be here every night until he is up and around again. It is amazing the people that God puts in our paths. I am so thankful for her right now.

 
Old 01-19-2012, 07:17 AM   #2
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Re: I need to vent

You never know when help is put in your path Sometimes it does not come in the form we think or wish. But we have to be grateful and accepting of wherever it comes from. Don't you just love stubborn men!

We as children get a bit twisted about somebody else "seeing" our parents. It is a little difficult to wrap our brains around. Yet you are right, everybody needs companionship and support from somebody. Your step dad picked your Mom and from what you know now he picked well again Remember that caring for one does not eliminate caring for another. This lady may well become a great asset to you now that the ice has been broken.

Watch that toe carefully. As you know infection is prevalent with diabetics. There may come a point when you can't give Dad a choice. Just keep your eyes on the toe for a while

Yep, there are bad nights. Sometimes blessings show up in the middle. There are nights we are tired and frustrated and thankful all at the same time. Just hope for a better day today

Love, deb

 
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Old 01-19-2012, 07:41 AM   #3
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Re: I need to vent

I am glad you have her to talk to about your Mom. Well this is a tricky area.
The fact is your Mom is very sick and confused... I don't know about her stage but she will get worse with dementia... Down the road, it will be hard and long...
We have done this for at least 7 years since late 2004 with my FIL. He has severe Alzheimer's now.
Well, he had a girlfriend in the beginning after his late wife died in late 2004.
In a way she helped my FIL and made him a new upper denture. However she is not one that is easy to get along with and she was also selfish that she wants someone to look out for her (her sons are in other states.) She was more worried about herself.
She does not want to talk to my FIL on the phone anymore after he got sicker... So now my FIL moved out of state and won't see her anymore. She gave him one dinner in her house and etc. Kind of good and bad... In the beginning, she sided with my FIL to talk as he was thinking we did wrong about his wills... (Nothing was wrong - he just forgot about the wills and the rules.)
He wanted to marry her but she said he was too sick and wanted to manage his money (my husband does it) so my FIL turned her down. Now she does not want him anymore...

It seems to be like a love-hate relationship. It depends on the woman's personality.

I sure hope your stepDad's friend can help out. Yes there is a little bit of gray area here about morality. But it is about Alzheime'rs and dementia. When it comes to dementia, it is totally another story.

Hugs,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 01-19-2012 at 07:55 AM.

 
Old 01-19-2012, 10:01 AM   #4
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Re: I need to vent

Thanks for the encouragement. I really do like this woman and the fact that she genuinely cares about my mother helps me. Last night was very hectic and while I was dealing with my step dad, she took it upon herself to make sure my mother got her dinner on time and that my children got their dinner and baths. She jumped right in as part of the family. Yes, there is a morality issue, but the way I see it, at this stage, my mother is really no longer "here". I know my step dad loves her as much as he always has and I know he would never do anything to hurt her, but I understand needing someone "special" in your life. So I do not fault him, especially now that I've gotten to see "who" this woman really is.

As far as infection in my step dad's toe goes, I am keeping the bandages clean and dry and keeping triple antibiotic ointment on it. It has been oozing just a bit this morning, but nothing to be alarmed over. I am keeping a close eye on it though. And I have already informed him that if I feel he needs to go to the doctor, I will not put up with any arguing, lol. He's known me for nearly 15 years now and he knows when I mean business, lol.

Again, thanks for the encouragement and support. After the night I had, I need people who truly understand how hard this road can be. Hugs to everyone!!

 
Old 01-19-2012, 11:15 AM   #5
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Re: I need to vent

Just know you are on the right path and we are all here with you

Love, deb

 
Old 01-19-2012, 12:03 PM   #6
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Re: I need to vent

Angels certainly come in all forms, don't they?

That she stepped up says a lot about her. And that you can accept her says a lot about you.

Someone extra to help ...worth a million bucks.

Love, Meg

 
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Old 01-20-2012, 07:04 AM   #7
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Re: I need to vent

Sorry about your stepDad's toe. I sure hope it is OK now. However if he refuses to go to the ER to deal with it, how would he take care of your Mom? Probably you could consider taking over the care for your Mom. It is common that the adult kids take over because the spouse has a hard time to deal with it.
Glad that his friend can help.

Take care,
Nina

 
Old 01-20-2012, 12:33 PM   #8
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Re: I need to vent

I actually already have taken over most of the care giving of my mother because my step dad is not spring chicken, lol. He does the small things my mom won't allow me to do just yet, such as washing her privates or helping her wipe. His toe is doing much better and we are keeping a close watch on it. He has agreed to have it looked at if I feel like it is not healing fast enough or if i think there is something wrong.

 
Old 01-20-2012, 04:11 PM   #9
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Re: I need to vent

Sometimes it is a slow process to take over for a parent. Only you know who fast or slow to move. Each situation is different. Mom was perfectly capable of taking care of Dad until her Alzheimer's decreased her abilities. Yep, it was a process, one piece at a time. That way you don't belittle them and take away their dignity along with their independence. It sounds like you have a good grasp on your reality so just keep doing what you are doing

Love, deb

 
Old 01-20-2012, 05:08 PM   #10
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Re: I need to vent

One day at a time, right? LOL. Today has been so/so. Mom hasn't been too awful difficult other than trying to take her pizza into the bathtub with her, lol. It was quite funny. I was running her tub while she was finishing up her lunch, and, well, she decided eating in the tub suited her just fine. My youngest, who is not in school yet, says "That's not fair. You don't let me have my oh-oh's (cheerios) in the tub!!" How do you explain that to a four year old is what I'd like to know, lol!!! So, yes, it was entertaining to say the least. Now I face the task of helping my step dad get washed tonight since he can't get his foot wet just yet. (I called his family doc this morning). Pray for me, I know he's going to be difficult, lol.

 
Old 01-20-2012, 06:54 PM   #11
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Re: I need to vent

Considering the first rule of dementia care giving is "Don't Argue"... you have to let Mom eat Pizza in the tub! I will admit that was one of the best laughs I have had today. Tell the little one that Mom had ONE piece of pizza so he can have ONE OO in the tub It's all about being creative and finding the humor. One day at a time....

Oh and with Step Dad throw in some guilt trip. I have all this to do for Mom and worry about you too? I'm not beyond being a little devious! I do hope his toe heals well and quickly. And Mom has a nice day tomorrow!

Love, deb

 
Old 01-20-2012, 09:01 PM   #12
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Re: I need to vent

Ha ha! I just read this, Deb, and I so did use the guilt trip method. Worked like a charm. So they are both clean and in jammies. My little one got to have a cookie in the tub, which in turn meant the older two got to have a cookie in bed since they take showers, lol. But it all worked out well. Midgets are sleeping, stepdad is watching tv and Mom is....wait for it....pacing. But at least she's winding down. I estimate I'll get to bed by 2. Thankfully tomorrow is saturday and I'll get to sleep in just a bit....maybe. Night everyone!!

 
Old 01-21-2012, 05:06 AM   #13
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Re: I need to vent

We have to use what they give us and roll with the flow, laughing as we go. There are smiles to be found I'll take the cookie in the tub over crumbs in my bed

Love, deb

 
Old 01-21-2012, 02:31 PM   #14
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Re: I need to vent

hi sleepless. you sound a lot better! pizza in the bath tub sounds good..............

 
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