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Old 01-30-2012, 04:12 PM   #1
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Thankful for my short visit

I'm back home after visiting my dad. It was very productive and interesting. I brought home about 3 lbs of paperwork to go through. More work but after I'm done with the calls I know it will be well invested time. I am the proud new owner of a Smith and Wesson 40 caliber handgun. My dad fired a hole into his floor. Long story but suffice it to say my brother and I were both in the room and he thought the gun was empty. We also removed a rifle which my brother has at his home for the time being. My brother set the smoke alarm off and my dad wondered through the house trying to figure out what the noise was. The smoke alarm went off on its own one day and he again tried to locate the source of the noise. Dad is still home and made the statement to his investment lady that once he can no longer drive he will move here. For now that has to be enough for me. It would be a horrific fight if I pushed to move him now and outside of the fire alarm issue he is fine at home.
I talked to my older brother and asked why he was so hell bent on having my dad move there. He said because Dad had said he wanted to move there. After explaining that if it were another illness necessitating a move I would find it reasonable but with Alz I felt Dad would be unhappy there he said we would talk more. Guess no one pays attention to me when I say this is what's happening. Either way, for now Dad is safe and very happy. I set it up with the FBI while I was there so that if he goes to purchase another handgun (he wants one) from a dealer his background check will be flagged. I have more weird calls now that I'm taking care of dad. LOL
Hope this finds all of you happy and healthy.
Love, Lee
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Old 01-30-2012, 06:56 PM   #2
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Re: Thankful for my short visit

Taking the guns is a very good move Lee. Something that dangerous needs to be out of the house. I did the same thing when Mom and Dad were at home. Dad was ok with the long guns being gone but didn't like losing his pistol. I eventually took it back to him... minus the firing pin Looked great, worked great... just won't fire the bullet! There was that one day... I am very very glad the firing pin was 100's of miles away. Flagging the data base was a great idea.

Perhaps this has prompted you and your brothers to all get on the same page. Open honest discussion needs to take place so all of you will be a unified team when it comes to dad.

Just be very observant of what is going on with Dad. You already know that he has no clue what to do when the smoke alarm goes off. Be careful of waiting for a medical professional to take away his license. I do hope you have a network watching him so you will know when to change his status. But I am glad you are feeling better than you were before your trip That is important for you!!

Love, deb

 
Old 01-31-2012, 02:53 PM   #3
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Re: Thankful for my short visit

i agree having the gun should not be in the house. i hope this brings you all to the same page. good luck

 
Old 01-31-2012, 09:29 PM   #4
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Re: Thankful for my short visit

It sometimes seems the hardest part about figuring out the next step in these situations is dealing with siblings! I'm glad you were both able to take care of the firearm situation. I know in our family that's been a tough one.

My Da was a decorated police officer for 35 years, as well as an avid hunter. (we live in the North where it is how we supply our family with food for the winter!) Right now the guns are well taken care of in the family home, and the key to the cabinets are in my brothers compentent hands. So far Da hasn't asked about the guns, but i'm sure one day he will.

Deb, your idea of taking out the firing pin is genius! I may have to suggest that to my family as well. It may sound silly, but having his sidearm clearly makes Da feel more comfortable. It's what he knows, and a feeling he is familiar with, i suppose.

 
Old 02-01-2012, 06:23 AM   #5
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Re: Thankful for my short visit

it makes it so much easier if all sibblings are in agreement. So many families have been torn apart because of the dessions that have to be made and usually only one in the family is strong enough to carry them though. Glad you had a good visit. I am with the rest get rid of the guns....

 
Old 02-01-2012, 02:07 PM   #6
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Re: Thankful for my short visit

At least Dad now wants the brother's help. It is better than refusing to realize his problems. I am glad you removed all the guns. It is best to put the guns elsewhere in another house so he has no way to play with or try to reach them.

About the move, if he had to move now, let him. Yes, the less move the better, but if he had to move to the brother's, he had to. It is better that Dad is not alone.
If you are sure you can help Dad, move him. If you can help your brother to let Dad stay where he is now, it is OK too. Don't think you will do better. It is a hard thing to live with Dad. Your brother may be doing the best.
Yes, get all the documents to help the brother. Work with the brother to help Dad.
It is the important thing. Don't move himn unless you are sure Brother cannot help Dad.
Please note that your young kids may need your attention and Dad will take away your 24/7 attention.

Hugs,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 02-01-2012 at 02:09 PM.

 
Old 02-07-2012, 09:46 AM   #7
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Re: Thankful for my short visit

I feel like an idiot. LOL I forgot that I had already posted about the gun. So there is a new reply on another thread. I like the idea of removing the firing pin but scared my dad would take it and try to have it fixed. He hasn't mentioned the guns.
As for my brother, he lives in New Mexico so no matter what, my dad will be moving. My little brother that went with me lives in Kansas. There is just no one close enough. But my older brother and I share POA and I hope we have come to some sort of level ground. I do feel like I can bring my dad in and have been in contact with various home health care agencies as I realize that I will need help.
I love all of the responses and the honesty in them. Please keep them coming. I don't know much about this site so don't really see much anyone else is posting. Maybe someone can give me a little guidance so I can keep up with your stories also.
God bless each of you!
Love, Lee
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Old 02-07-2012, 08:20 PM   #8
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Re: Thankful for my short visit

I use the top list to navigate.... where it says "HealthBoards Message Board > Health Issues > Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia > and then the thread you are on. When I have finished on a thread I just click on "Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia" to take me back to the main page. The unread threads should be at the top of the list with open envelopes beside them. Once they are read the envelope will close. You can see the titles, who started them, and who responded last. It takes practice, trial and error but you will get it

You did tell that something happened with the gun but didn't go into the same detail so it was just a continuation of the story not a repeat Luckily Dad always had my hubby fix his guns. We did take them for a while but he repeatedly ask for them back. That is when the idea of the removed firing pin popped up. We knew if he ever realized it didn't work he would call us to get it fixed. He never did. As long as Dad is not asking for his guns then just keep them. Don't try to fix something that is working at the moment

It is easier to deal with Dad if you have the POA. It is also easier if everybody is on the same page. Communication and compromise is absolutely necessary. I do hope all of you can stay in unison! It's rare but can be done

I ended up with Mom and Dad because I did the leg work in advance and had a plan of action. When it came time to move, I had everything in place to move fast. So get your ducks in a row. Many times the others will let you move forward if you have the plan.

Love, deb

 
Old 02-07-2012, 08:38 PM   #9
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Re: Thankful for my short visit

I'll try the navigation tomorrow. Thanks! I can only get here from my email. LOL Dad will not get his guns back no matter what. And if he ends up purchasing the 22 he has talked about, I will make sure it is removed as well.
The consensus among people who are intimately involved in all of this sibling stuff is that my older siblings will not fight whatever I choose to do because they either a) don't want the responsibility or b) are looking for a reason for everything to be my fault. Kind of depends on who I'm talking to. Either way, I've made it clear that I will fight to make sure Dad is in the best place possible and will put my feelings aside in that fight. It is rare for me to become very passionate about something but when I do I am a force to be reckoned with.
I hope that we can stay on the same page but if not, it will be nothing new.
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Old 02-07-2012, 10:28 PM   #10
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Re: Thankful for my short visit

If I am not mistaken, will check with hubby, if your report to the local law enforcement that your Dad is incapable of owning a gun, they will flag the registry and he will be unable to buy a pistol. I didn't have that problem because the pistol Dad had actually belonged to his Mom and it was the ONLY one he wanted.

You sound a bit like me Keysey I have always been the agreeable one that didn't makes waves. I rarely found anything to be passionate enough about that I didn't compromise. But with this situation.. back off!! I have proven, even to myself, that I was made of sterner stuff than anybody suspected! Now I am in it to the end. I am sure that there are hard feelings in my direction but that's ok. With four involved somebody is always on a different place hehe

Love, deb

 
Old 02-08-2012, 07:41 AM   #11
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Re: Thankful for my short visit

I'm not sure if it is possible for police to flag. The sheriff where my dad lives said he had never heard of it. Keeping in mind, it is a little teeny tiny town. But he put me in contact with the FBI NIX program and I called them. All they needed was a fax from my dad's doctor with an official diagnosis of Alz and his background is flagged. Pretty simple, actually. That only keeps him from purchasing from a dealer, though. :/
In my family I am the second youngest. My whole life my older brother has treated me like a child. Since he is 22 years older than me, I suppose I must seem that way to him. So whenever I put my foot down things get touchy quick. This is really the first time I can remember that things have gotten so nasty between the four of us. And you know what? Tough. Dad needs to be cared for and things must be thought of in advance. For a while there I thought their anger at me had to do with denial, and I guess maybe it still could. But now I think it is just annoying them that I won't agree with them. Oh well. LOL
Love, Lee
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Old 02-08-2012, 10:26 AM   #12
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Re: Thankful for my short visit

If you are the only girl then it makes sense. Women caregivers are more sensitive and responsible for caregiving. I am not saying guys don't but traditionally women with mother nature know better about caregiving.
It also depends on the relationship between father and son. Father-son relationship sometimes is rigid. e.g., my FIL claims he has close relationship with his sons. But really, what he has done is to have my husband serve his own need of career talk. He didn't care to see his other son in another country (money can help.)
As the result, my husband is not very sensitive in terms of caregiving, but he is responsible enough and he is a good son. But he does not do well in terms of caregiving and that kind of stuff.

Hugs,
Nina

 
Old 02-08-2012, 10:52 AM   #13
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Re: Thankful for my short visit

The family danamics is really put to the test, it is so wonderful when everyone is on the same page, my sibblings have left all of it to me with lots of support in every action I have taken. Sometimes I do wish that they would take the burden off my shoulders but i like you have found I am made of sturner stuff. I was always the one to calm everyone down the peace maker. At first they all had their ideas of what to do and how to go about it and I just told them to get their asses down here and help them selfs. Once everyone got the idea that what I say goes, all smoothed out and we worked together. lots of hugs to you, we are coming to the end of the journey and it is as hard, even harder now as it was in the beginning. make sure you keep posting and let your feelings run free on this board, we are here, and we have been there.

love judy.

 
Old 02-08-2012, 12:21 PM   #14
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Re: Thankful for my short visit

I agree that this disease will strain any family dynamic. One steps up and the rest do their thing. My thoughts... join me or get out of my way! I am the oldest but always the peacemaker.... until now. Yes, some siblings do deal thought denial but others work off past baggage and perceptions of the one that is doing the work I'm truly believe that my stamina and abilities have surprised some!!

I did have prior experience and knowledge to draw from having worked in Long Term Care. One sister has told me repeatedly that she doesn't need my "expertise"! OH well At this point I have one sister that is helpful when I truly need her. One that doesn't make it difficult and I can call on her but she truly prefers to be out of the chaos. One that would pick me apart if I let her. I do keep them all well informed. I don't care if they respond or how they respond. I listen but it is my expertise and knowledge of the situation gives me my choices and leads to my decisions... not opinions.

You were way ahead of me on the gun thing and you are right it only stops him from buying one from a dealer. Beyond the federal, each state has their own rules and regulations. Here you have to have a permit with a background check to buy a pistol but not for long guns. It is up to us family members to be vigilant where firearms are concerned. I have said this many many times before.... sometimes we have to do what they NEED us to do and not what they WANT us to do

Love, deb

 
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