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Old 02-11-2012, 03:13 PM   #1
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Unhappy Banking

Hi Everybody,

I'm back with the same dilemma. My mother thinks she goes out grocery shopping and does everything that I do. She said to me the other day. What if I go out and I don't get back to midnight and I can't get into my apartment? She thinks she lives in an apartment and meanwhile she is living in a long term care facility a.k.a. Nursing Home. Thursday she asked me "when are you going to take me to the bank"? I was writing something in my calendar and pretended I didn't hear her and changed the subject. This is my problem - every time we go out to get her hair cut go shopping etc. she says she has to go the bank. I told her I'll go to the bank for her. Oh no, she wants to go but I can't take her because she'll want to withdraw some money and there isn't anything I can do about it. If she knew I have control of her accounts she would yell and scream at me and I don't want to see her angry or myself getting upset. She says she wants to transfer money from one account to another. I know this is fabricated. I can't put any money in her purse because if she loses it, well then the money will be gone. I told her I'll give her some money when we go out but she doesn't want that either. I said I'll go to the bank to save some time. No No No!!!! I tell her the bank is closed today, I don't have the bank books, they are doing inventory etc. etc. She doesn't forget this because it if "very important" to her. I'm at my wits end. Any other ideas would be most helpful. I don't know what else to do.

Thank you

bearcubs

Last edited by bearcubs; 02-18-2012 at 10:46 PM.

 
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Old 02-11-2012, 04:04 PM   #2
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Re: Banking

Bearcubs, you are doing exactly what you need to do for your Mom. Yes, you are going to have to dodge and weave and give the same list of excuses over and over and over. If you hit on one that does not work well to differ her then don't use it again. If you find one that works then use it over and over and over. Your Mom doesn't remember so it is ok. You are the only one that get annoyed by the repetition You don't have the books with you and the bank is closed are two good ones. Tell her you will come get her on Monday and take her. She will not remember it. Yes this is something that was and will remain important to your Mom. It is not something new and recent but something that is well ingrained in her long term memories. Your excuses and diversions are new and her lack of short term memory is your friend because you can just keep replaying those same old reasons.

Because it is ingrained in her long term memory it is not going away any time soon. It is just something you are going to have to deal with repeatedly. There is no way you can explain the reality of the situation to your Mom and have her understand. You do not need to tell her that you are taking care of it all because she knows she needs to do it. Trying to rationalize and explain to her doesn't work. Just tell her the banks are closed and you will go on X day. No, you will not go that day with her but you will tell her that day, if she ask, that you will go on X day in the future. Eventually she will get to the point that she will not mention it as often or at all... but that may be a while down the road.

Mom talked about money incessantly for months. It did help to put copies of statements with account number blacked out where she could find them. They don't have to be current, just something that will satisfy her. I gave Mom an old expired credit card to carry around... just in case. I gave Dad some $1 bills. Yes, some got lost but if it made him happy, so what? He had a $5 bill he paid for meals with. The care managers would put it in his pocket before meals, he would pay for his meal, and they would put it back before the next meal We wore out that $5 transferring it back and forth for a year. He also had a wallet with an expired credit card in it. Check and see if she knows the difference between real money and play money. There are several in Mom's unit that carry around play money now. Eventually they stop talking about money... usually after they lose most of their memory and lose part of their ability to communicate. But even then, occasionally, they will mention it again.

Ignoring it is ok if she just mentions it and then lets it go. If she is insistent then address that fact that you know she is worried about the money and that you will take her to the bank at some point in the future because the banks are close. That validates her feeling and gives her hope for the future. You know that future will never get there but in her mind, the current moment is all she cars about. The next time you can do the very same thing

Love, deb

 
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Old 02-11-2012, 08:16 PM   #3
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Re: Banking

Deb, I will try your suggestions and hopefully it will work. All I can do is give it a try and hope for the best. Thank you for always helping me. Hope you are having a great weekend. I'll let you know how this works out for me.

Elaine

 
Old 02-12-2012, 07:41 AM   #4
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Re: Banking

Quote:
Originally Posted by bearcubs View Post
Hi Everybody,

I'm back with the same dilemma. My mother thinks she goes out grocery shopping and does everything that I do. She said to me the other day. What if I go out and I don't get back to midnight and I can't get into my apartment? She thinks she lives in an apartment and meanwhile she is living in a long term care facility a.k.a. Nursing Home. Thursday she asked me "when are you going to take me to the bank"? I was writing something in my calendar and pretended I didn't hear her and changed the subject. This is my problem - every time we go out to get her hair cut go shopping etc. she says she has to go the bank. I told her I'll go to the bank for her. Oh no, she wants to go but I can't take her because she'll want to withdraw some money and there isn't anything I can do about it. If she knew I have control of her accounts she would yell and scream at me and I don't want to see her angry or myself getting upset. She says she wants to transfer money from one account to another. I know this is fabricated. I can't put any money in her purse because if she loses it, well then the money will be gone. I told her I'll give her some money when we go out but she doesn't want that either. I said I'll go to the bank to save some time. No No No!!!! I tell her the bank is closed today, I don't have the bank books, they are doing inventory etc. etc. She doesn't forget this because it if "very important" to her. I'm at my wits end. Any other ideas would be most helpful. I don't know what else to do.

Thank you

bearcubs
Elaine,

Deb has said it well. It is different for everyone. My FIL with severe stage still asks if he has enough money. But we handle the money now. Back home in 2004-2008, he was asking for cash and he took many blank checkbooks thinking they were cash and slept with them! We took away the checkbooks and etc. We finally took away all his finances. My FIL can no longer go out to a restaurant because he is wheelchair-bound but he does not talk anymore during the outings. Basically given severe stage, he is home-bound now.

Some people give the patient some fake bills. It depends on how bad her memory is. If she does not remember well, you may give her some cash or fake money. Sounds like now she still tries to go to the bank.

Is it possible that you can reduce the trips? I know you want to take her out, but if she stays at the home, she may not be tempted to ask about banking. I am not saying don't take her out, but if it bothers you so much, you may want to keep her at the home without taking her out for grocery or outing for a while. Also, if you take her out, maybe you should go to the park directly. No more shopping. You see, shopping reminds her banking!

Also my FIL's home has a hairdresser who comes twice a week. Is there any hairdresser in the home? You may want to keep her at home where she is familiar. Again, I am not saying don't take her out. You see, the patients somehow can no longer be outside without being confused. If you can calm her down, it is Ok. But if you can't, it is best to keep her in the home where she is calm.



Good luck,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 02-12-2012 at 07:45 AM.

 
Old 02-12-2012, 09:46 AM   #5
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Re: Banking

Going out needs to be evaluated on a constant basis to see what the loved one with Dementia can tolerate. In our world of reality we need and want to get out. It gives us pleasure. What we have to remember is that the demented brain does not work as ours does. What gives us pleasure can cause distress in our loved ones. Even if it is something that they think they might want to do, it can cause distress when they get there and realize they are incapable of handling the situation or the stimulation. You not only have to watch their reaction during the trip but also after the trip. We have to transcend our wishes and figure out what is best for them.

I recently went on a "field trip" with Mom's facility. We had taken this lady out to breakfast and she did well. We go in, sit down, eat, and go back to their home. Eating is familiar. At breakfast she is hungry and focused on the familiar breakfast foods. She seems happy and well adjusted in the facility and her family encourage further outtings. So let's take that one step further and take her on an afternoon outing to visit a local point of interest. Well it didn't work well at all. "I have to go to the bathroom!" Ok... I took her. We got back to the group and.... "I have to go to the bathroom!" By trip number 6 I realized she was seeking stability because the large open spaces, crowds, and unfamiliar area was beyond her abilities to cope. There were repeated comments letting me know she was "ready to go". There was also pacing and even one episode of resistance. We managed but it was not a good experience for either of us. When we returned to the facility her down hill spiral continued late into the night. It was the next morning before she settled back into her familiar routine.

Yes, it is nice to "get them out". But we have to figure out if it is good for them or good for us! We have to look at behavior during and after to see if they enjoy the outing or if it is stressful. Remember that acting out and irrational behavior is often their way of communicating distress. It is not directed at us or at staff... it is directed at something that is making them uncomfortable!.

Love, deb

 
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Old 02-12-2012, 11:18 AM   #6
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Re: Banking

Elaine,
Hope you find some use of the suggestions given. They sound good to me but I am not at this stage yet. I am thankful for the different things I read because I may have need for the ideas in the future. I am saddened that people are going through these different things. Best of luck. At the end of the day, remember that you are doing all you can for her. She is a lucky woman. xoxo
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Old 02-12-2012, 11:45 AM   #7
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Re: Banking

i so remember how difficult that was with my mom. hang in there and hugs to you. debbie

 
Old 02-13-2012, 06:45 AM   #8
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Re: Banking

I just want to add that the elderly gets confused sometimes in a cafe or restaurant. For example, when my FIL walked into the Starbukcs in 2008, he went to the milk right away and wanted to pour it out thinking it was coffee. When other people paid for their purchases, he yelled at me "Go get it!" as if they were our orders... Later on we just could not take him out for coffee. We can buy one for him and take it home.

One time the caregiver brought him to Starbucks again and she paid for his order (We gave him some cash.) Somehow $5 was missing or she paid with it. My FIL came home yelling at her saying she stole the money! We still don't know what is happening and the home care nurse thought the caregiver did some trick.
Whatever that was, my FIL just could not handle buying coffee alone.

So sometimes you need to avoid this situation. I paid for the dinner for him ahead of time once so he would not yell at the bill saying how to pay!
You may want to pay her hairdresser ahead of time so you can just leave with your Mom without her worrying about the bills.

Take care,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 02-13-2012 at 06:47 AM.

 
Old 02-13-2012, 04:02 PM   #9
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Re: Banking

Nina, when I don't take my mom shopping she says we haven't gone in a long time. I know she loves to go out because when we take her out she is soooo happy just as long as my hubby is with me and it is a Sunday. For some reason she doesn't ask about going to the bank when he comes to visit with me. I'm taking her out tomorrow to the mall so I'm hoping we have a good time and as far as the bank concerns go I'll just have to make up something again. This is soooo frustrating. If I don't take her out she is not very happy but when we go out she is like she is on cloud 9. Oh well what can you do!!
Thank you for your posts. It is so good to know I have somewhere to come and vent.

 
Old 02-13-2012, 05:11 PM   #10
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Re: Banking

Maybe tell her it is Sunday but your husband couldn't make it?
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Old 02-13-2012, 05:32 PM   #11
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Re: Banking

As long as Mom has a good day it's ok. Even if she ask about the bank make up something. Stores are open on Sunday but not the bank! As long as she is on top of the world... they go with her. Don't worry about the little incidental questions that come up. Brush over them and talk about those cute dresses.

I do hope it is a good trip for you both.

Love, deb

 
Old 02-13-2012, 07:26 PM   #12
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Re: Banking

It depends on why your Mom feels that she does not want to talk about banking when your husband was there and also it was Sunday - a day without work or bank.
You could try to find out what triggers your Mom to ask about banking and try to distract her. For sure if she sees how you pay for the goods, she will be interested!
Avoid sensitive timing for banking/paying... Pay ahead of her or pay without her there.

Do go out with her and be creative. We still took my FIL to Starbukcs later in 2009/2010 and we just avoided the milk stand and we paid ahead of time or distract him and etc.
It can be done. Just find out what triggers her and do something about it.

I don't think these elders stop asking about money as it is with them in their daily lives.
Just create the situation where she does not have to think about it.
Even if she talks about it, just say OK it is Sunday, the bank is closed or whatever... Tell her she has enough money. Give her some cash like $20-$40.

Make sure she is happy - maybe some ice-cream or coffee in the mall. Watch people come and go. Comment on how pretty that girl is or how handsome that man is and etc.
Distract her. Actually you are the one that buys and she will only do the windowshopping.
This way everyone is happy.

Good luck,
Nina

 
Old 02-15-2012, 08:05 PM   #13
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Re: Banking

Her question now is "when are you going to take me to the bank"? If I put her off she says to me "you always say the same thing". When we go to the mall she wants to go to the ladies department. By the way, we were suppose to go shopping Tuesday and I didn't feel like going so I thought if my mom asks about going shopping I was going to tell her I didn't have the car. But lucky me she didn't ask and then she asked me later in the afternoon "when are you going to take me to the bank"??? Oh boy!!

 
Old 02-15-2012, 09:00 PM   #14
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Re: Banking

Bearcub... this is where her brain is stuck and you just have to keep evading as you have been doing. Yes you always say the same thing in her mind. This is where she is in the disease and you just keep doing what you are doing. You could take her to the bank and let her play with all the money there then tomorrow she would swear she had not been and want to go again. Yes it can be frustrating but just remember that it is the disease that does not let her understand or remember. You just have to divert and redirect her when she ask... over and over and over.

My Dad was stuck on having his van. He wanted the keys in his pocket and the van in the parking lot. Of course he could not safely drive so he could not have the van. It was being repair, it was being detailed, it was always somewhere other than there. This went on for 2.5 years!!! If he lost his keys it was chaos. I had several sets of keys (none of which went to his van but all on the same key chain). I would replace the lost key and if it turned up I added it to the box of spares. I had heard it so many times that when he died I made sure his keys were in his pocket before the casket was closed. Now I remember it with fondness

Just know you are doing what is right and good for Mom and keep doing it! You are not going to erase this wish from her mind nor talk her out of the necessity of the trip. Just keep diverting and redirecting!

Love, deb

 
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Old 02-15-2012, 09:24 PM   #15
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Re: Banking

Hi Deb,

I will be visiting with my mom tomorrow. If she asks about the bank I'll try to do what you suggested. I'm hoping I have the strength to keep this up. I know I have to for my mom, but it is so very sad and hard on me. I need a hug.

Thank you again,

Luv Elaine

 
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