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Old 03-11-2012, 12:49 PM   #1
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Good news

I wanted to make sure and share this with you all. It's a great first step and hopefully, the beginning of a new road for my siblings and I. I posted on Dad's care page yesterday that I believe Dad needs to move here no later than the end of our family reunion (end of June). I let them know that I realized it was different from what we discussed prior to the Alz diagnosis and also that some were just realizing the true problems. At the end I said I wanted to make sure everyone was given a chance to voice their opinions and I would take silence to mean a vote for Dad to move here versus NM. My sister posted twice last night affirming that she is fine with Dad moving here, my little brother called and said he is going to be silent. LOL He's a goof. And my older brother called today and said the more he has thought about it, the more he thinks Dad would be best here. I was over the moon! Things have really gotten to a better place with all of us communication wise. I know the journey is still long and winding and there are likely going to be issues but for now, I'm beaming. Thank you all for listening to me vent over the past months. I'm a firm believer in sharing the good and the bad.
Love, Lee
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Old 03-11-2012, 01:59 PM   #2
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Re: Good news

All right! Congratulations!!

Are you going to fly with him? For sure you have to fly with him. If you want, you can ask the airline for a wheelchair to speed up the process. If he can walk fine, it is OK. It depends on his stage. If he is in early moderate stage, you don't need another person to help. When we moved my FIL who was in late moderate stage, he needed 2 persons at the airport. He got very upset at the airport so he had to hold my hands all the time. Of course, people do look at him knowing he was sick. My FIL was funny and he asked if he could go to outer space! He enjoyed the 2-hour flight itself.

Also do ask for the front seats in case Dad gets confused. We got first-class seats anyway. (We were recommended by the home that he should sit in the front.)
Usually the airline is nice about it.

Good luck,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 03-11-2012 at 02:01 PM.

 
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Old 03-11-2012, 02:08 PM   #3
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Re: Good news

Dad refuses to fly, with or without someone. The plan is for me to drive him back. Now I have to get everything in order. I've been rearranging my house to make it easier to navigate. He sleeps in a recliner in the living room now and he can do that here or have the master bedroom. There is room for wheelchairs, etc. and I have a plan in mind for putting a hospital bed in when the time comes. We have 2 bathrooms downstairs so there should be no need for him to go upstairs. As we have a 3 year old and stairs there are already gates at the top and bottom.
My older brother and I got to talking about what to do with Dad's houses once he moves. Dad's neighbor has expressed interest in purchasing Dad's family home but my brother thinks we should look at it as a business transaction. Dad's homes are in an area that they could easily become commercial and my brother wants to take out the emotion and look at possibly going that way with the homes. I hate to see Dad/Grandma's house out of the family but realistically, none of us can afford it or maintain it. So...I told my brother that when Dad moves here 1) I won't have time to deal with all of that and 2) he would likely be better able to maneuver selling the homes. He agreed to do that. Whew! Two monkeys off my back in one day? It feels so good!
Now to start getting Dad in a moving mode. I am working with his doctors to have them retest him with their mini-cog and so forth and have asked that they stop telling him he is fine. He isn't fine.
My older brother wanted to know why we couldn't just put something in place to keep Dad in his home until he didn't know where he was. I told him I want Dad to have some time to try and adjust to his new setting here with us. My brother said, "That makes sense."
I think I have fallen into a black hole with everyone in agreement and getting along but I like this black hole. LOL
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Old 03-11-2012, 02:30 PM   #4
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Re: Good news

Driving is OK too. Make sure your Dad has someone with him on the road so he does not get lost.

You don't really need the hospital bed yet. Not for a long while. My FIL still uses his own new regular twin XL bed in the home. You may need the diapers or water-proof mattress cover later. I think a hospital bed is for hospice and he has a long way to go!
My FIL no longer knew his old house when we moved him. We were able to move him since he just wanted to be with my husband to "work". He left his home because the home care was exhausted (24/7) and he was too sick and confused with his neighbors.
If you move him to your home, it is better now because this way he can still connect with you guys. My FIL moved to the home in time because he could still talk to the staff and connected to them. Now he does not talk but the staff know him. It makes a difference that you know the person first.

About the house, note that an empty house is liability and the neighbor may have something to say if you don't sell to them. We got simialr problem and we had to fix the old house or it would have been too cheap as a tear-down house. We spent some money to fix it and now we sold it with a right price (not as high as the one before 2008 crash.) Boy we had such crash with the neighbors! Note that the neighbors may not have your best interest in heart as they have no idea about your dad's finances.

Good luck!

Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 03-11-2012 at 02:35 PM.

 
Old 03-11-2012, 04:02 PM   #5
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Re: Good news

I'll be driving him so he won't have to worry about driving or navigating. I don't think the neighbor would push for us to sell to him but that will be my brother's problem.
I figure the bed will be a long way off but still figured now was a good time to figure out where I would put it. Anything I can plan ahead is something I don't have to do down the line.
Now I have to really start getting these doctors to help me out some. My siblings will all start talking to my dad here and there about moving down here. Can't hurt to have him know we are all on the same page. His siblings are already behind me and I just have to let them know that there has been an agreement.
My son asked me if Papa is going to move here. I told him yes but not sure when. He smiled a huge smile and said he can't wait.
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Old 03-11-2012, 04:55 PM   #6
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Re: Good news

What great news It is a special moment when everybody is finally on the same page and you can move forward forward without the pension and drama. I had to laugh about your brothers calling. I agree but I don't want to put it in writing! You have to love it.

How far is the trip to bring Dad back? It is a good idea to have a second person with you driving back. It's not that Dad will be driving or navigating. He can just be ornery and temperamental. I remember the 3 hours trip with Mom and Dad here. Dad read road signs... every single one of them! Mom slept for a while. Once we stopped Mom slipped off in one direction and Dad decided to go back to the car. After that it was a fiasco until we finally arrived here. I am so glad I had my sister with me. Yes there were two but I could not imagine doing it with even one alone. And Dad needs to e in the back seat. Dad tried to "help me drive" by grabbing the steering wheel. On and bring plenty of snacks and entertainment.

Between the siblings and the doctor on board hopefully this will work out a lot easier than you thought several months ago. There is a light at the end of this tunnel and it is not a train!!

We have Mom and Dad's house on the market... STILL! The housing market in that little town is so depressed We also have a neighbor that wants to buy Mom and Dad's house. Right now they are also trying to sell theirs. I would love for them to have it. But... You have to put it on the market and see what it will bring. It's about Dad and having what is needed to take care of him. I'm just glad your brother will take that responsibility. Kudos to him! Magic is in the air....

Yes there will be bumps in the road but it sounds like, for now, you have this situation under control. For that I am so very happy for you.

Love, deb

 
Old 03-11-2012, 08:11 PM   #7
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Re: Good news

Deb, it is really funny now - every neighbor seems to want to buy an old house? Why? Because the market is low so they want to buy it cheap. It is not in our interest! So we fixed some and sold it with better price.
The other neighbor is even funnier - she cannot sell her million house so she put it on others. She would say my FIL's old house was too old and not worth half of the price we asked for and etc. Just because they didn't sell their house before the crash in 2008. They put in lots of money to fix it before 2008 and they are not willing to sell it low. But they want to sell it. So they are not happy and they always picked on us about repairs and surveyor and etc.
Thank god we have no more such neighbors to deal with.
It is harder to sell if the house is not our own. We were just the helpers for my FIL and late MIL. My husband is just the trustee.
Thank God it is over for us.

Deb, I hope your parents' house will sell - sometimes fixing it helps.

Hugs,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 03-11-2012 at 08:13 PM.

 
Old 03-11-2012, 09:00 PM   #8
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Re: Good news

The house is fixed Mom made sure of that. She actually had the outside painted twice since she forgot the first time It has new windows, the kitchen has been updated. It is known as the "best house in the neighborhood". It is cleaned out, cleaned up, fixed up, and ready for a new family. The house is not the problem. It is the housing market where the house is. Nothing is selling because nobody is moving there. It is in the middle of an older housing section so there is no other use for it. Actually it is on the market for a very reasonable price... we just need a buyer. Because Mom is unable... selling the house has fallen on us to do. I am sure it will happen... just wish it was sooner rather than later.


Love, deb

 
Old 03-12-2012, 08:52 AM   #9
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Re: Good news

We were lucky that there were 2 offers in Jan. The house is located in a primary area with close distance to the subway and train. Northwestern Univ. is within walking distance. It is close to lake Michgan by walk. It is just an old area. High property taxes. Yes it is a good area but we could no longer afford to keep this empty house. It does better to serve a family. The new buyer works at the university so he can walk to work.

The price is not like the high one before 2008. It was not like $800K anymore. We sold it with $600k. The realtor said the bubble is gone and it would take 20 years to go back. Or never. It may even drop this year. IL is slower than Calif. to recover after 2008. If we lived there, we may have kept it but the tax is too high. It is not our house anyway. It was never meant to be given to my husband. So we feel we have done well for my FIL on this thing. My FIL no longer knows about this. Back in 2008, he thought he sold the house and was living in a NH which was his own home!

Nina

 
Old 03-12-2012, 09:52 AM   #10
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Re: Good news

My older brother claims to not use the computer much but says he gets my messages. I'm just glad he is communicating something other than negativity. The trip back is about 22 hours. Long trip but we will be bringing some furniture. If it all works out the way I'd like, I will be travelling back in a caravan of sorts. Hubby and kids in one vehicle, Dad and I in another. Thank you for sharing that advice about travelling. Dad loves road trips so hopefully, it will go pretty smooth. I had to laugh at the "magic is in the air". Sure feels like it.
The market for houses where Dad lives is not great. It's a tiny little town. Frankly, it would surprise me if we get the houses sold in less than 5 years. He also owns a property that he kept animals on and has a pond. I think that will be easier to sell.
I have some calls to make today. Need some answers from some docs. Waiting for their lunch hour to end and then, getting down to some serious business.
Hope the house sells soon, Deb. That will be a weight off your shoulders.
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Old 03-12-2012, 11:38 AM   #11
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Re: Good news

About driving, I am glad your dad likes to drive. My FIL was so sick that if the caregiver drove him for more than 30 minutes in a strange road to him, he would open the door while the caregiver was driving! Really. Back in 2008, the driver had to tell the other caregiver to close the door!! The doctor moved to a new place and my FIL had no idea on the road! He was worried where he was going. He could not go anywhere more than 30 minute drive. First of all, he hates travels and never went back to his home country after 45 years,, secondly, the road is strange in his mind - not the one he is familiar with nearby... Flying was shorter - 2 hours - than driving. No way my FIL can go through 15 hours drive!!

The issue with the patient is, your Dad would get lost in the motel, not by driving. If you leave him alone once, he could go to a store and get lost. This is what we are talking about. Don't be surprised in the middle of the night, Dad says where are we? I am going home!!
Hope he does not get worse in his mind on the road.

Good luck,
Nina

 
Old 03-12-2012, 01:55 PM   #12
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Re: Good news

That trip will be a challenge Keysey. Hopefully your Dad is early enough in the disease to be a little more cooperative. Dad did the open the car door thing a few times later in his dementia. Mom can't figure out how to open it now but never tried in the past unless the car was stopped. You just have to be vigilant. One thing I did learn, most cars lock and you can't open the door until the car is put in park. I never put the car in park until I was ok for Dad to open the door.

You do need to be aware that Dad is going to be more confused as you travel because of the unfamiliarity. It brings out the worst. There is a door alarm that you can put on a hotel door which might be a great purchase before you stay in a hotel. That way you would be alerted if Dad opens the door in the night. It also helps to put on the night latch since they are unfamiliar with those. If one of the kids is on a rollaway... put it in font of the door It is all about being aware and creative.

The housing market where Mom and Dad's house is located is nonexistent. It is in a small town in a mainly rural area. Several local industries have relocated or closed down so there is more outflow than inflow of people. There is a glut of houses with no buyers. It has already been on the market for 3 years. We don't expect to get the pre bubble price. At this point we just want to sell it for something because it needs a new family to love it. We also have a second piece of property there which is part of the "farm". Right now it is rented for farming so it is self sustaining. We plan to just keep that for the time being.

Your brother claims not to use a computer often? WOW!! I didn't think there was anybody that was not e-mail attached these days. Work e-mail, personal e-mail, everything and everybody has an e-mail address or two or three. Even your phone will click in your e-mail these days. I'm with you. Doesn't matter how he got the message and responded.. I am just glad it was all positive

Love, deb

 
Old 03-12-2012, 04:17 PM   #13
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Re: Good news

Lesson learned...don't take a drink while reading posts. I almost spit my drink out when I read what you said about my brother not using a computer. So funny. He did actually use the care page today. Makes you wonder. But all is well on that front. I think we have it all set up for a four way conference call this weekend. Need to get some things talked out.
Thank you for all of the ideas about travelling. Maybe I'll put Dad in the minivan with me and the kids and I'll stick him in the backseat. The doors will not open unless it is in park and even at that I have to unlock them. I'll have to try the passenger door while it is in drive. Not sure if that will open or not. My husband can drive the truck. I love the idea of putting a rollaway in front of the hotel door, kid on it or not. I'll just get one anyways. You guys are so wonderful. I can't repay you but please know I'm so thankful.
I guess I'll just take what I know and apply it to the best of my ability. For the rest, prayers work. My siblings coming to an agreement are proof of that!
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Old 03-12-2012, 07:15 PM   #14
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Re: Good news

I have had to clean my monitor a few times after drinking and reading! I am sitting here with a smile. Just knowing how far you have come since your first post is a blessing. Yes, there is magic in the air. Heck, I even have sister agreement on a settlement we have been working on for 2 years now. I guess in all the chaos and drama that is this disease you search for any little glimmer of good you can find huh? It's all about hanging on to the good and letting the rest go.

Hope it stays on a positive note for a while....

Love....... Deb

 
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