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Old 03-18-2012, 01:32 PM   #1
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Time for the moving conversation

Well, it has been decided. My siblings are all in agreement with me that Dad needs to move here after the family reunion at the end of June. Whew! Of course I will be the one to inform Dad of this. So I'm running conversations through my mind. Trying to figure out how to say, "Dad, you have to move here." I would love any input on ways to make this easier on him. Thanks!
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Old 03-18-2012, 05:46 PM   #2
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Re: Time for the moving conversation

A few things to remember. Don't start the conversation too soon and don't expect him to remember what you have discussed. Even if you hit a good day, have a logical conversation, and get agreement, he might not remember it tomorrow and it will more than likely be long gone a month from now.

Your best bet is to make it his idea. Give him reasons he needs to move there without throwing demands in his direction. "Wow, wouldn't it be neat if you could go to the boys ball games?" "I have missed you and would love to spend some extended quality time with you!" "It would be so much easier on you if I was close by " You have a while so you have time to work on it. I you just say "Dad, you are moving in with us!" you are going to get a stubborn negative reaction. Remember he doesn't really understand that there is something very wrong. So use what he gives you to come up with 20 reasons he would love living near you.

And be prepared for that stubborn backlash of NO! If the conversation turns negative then end it and try again next week. Just remember to keep it all upbeat and positive. Don't make it appear that you are taking away his independence but giving him an alternative that is better. If you give him power and control over the decision you are leading him to he will accept it so much better.

I do hope it goes well... and KUDOS on getting everybody on the same page A job VERY well done!

Love, deb

 
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Old 03-18-2012, 05:55 PM   #3
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Re: Time for the moving conversation

I have been trying to give him ideas about why it would be great to have him here over the last few weeks. Tomorrow I will call our local bowling alley to see about senior bowling leagues since he loves to bowl. He can go to the beach with us in July. I told him I have a great audiologist lined up for him so we can get him hearing better. Maybe I am moving in the wrong direction. I was going to just let him know that when I drive away after the family reunion he would be coming with me, permanently. I guess my thinking was that, obviously, he will be upset and it would give him time to figure out what to bring. The agreement with my siblings is awesome. I think I'm not looking at this from Alz world as far as the move after reading your response. Ugh!
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Old 03-18-2012, 06:40 PM   #4
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Re: Time for the moving conversation

He will not see the validity in what you are saying if he things you are taking away his independence for a reason he doesn't understand. He sees no reason not to stay status quo. Going to the beach, getting hearing aids, finding him a bowling league for his visit with you are actually all great. What you don't want to do is give him an ultimatum. If you put your foot down and say you are going with me and you are going to stay permanently, you will probably meet with resistance. If you have to do it that way you can but there may be an easier way.

Your chore is to make him want to go home with you. Don't make it permanent to start with. Just for a trial to see how it goes. Of course you know it is permanent but he doesn't have to know that up front. Remember, you are not dealing with a rational logical thinking adult. Even though he may not be rational and logical he does need to have some control in the decision making process... even if you sway it just a bit!

There is a great book... "Moving A Relative With Memory Loss... A Family Caregiver's Guide" byt Laurie White and Beth Spencer. You might want to check it out It deals more with a move to a facility but the same principals apply to a move to your house.

Love, deb

 
Old 03-18-2012, 06:58 PM   #5
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Re: Time for the moving conversation

I'm so glad I posted this before our conversation. Dad has told me a lot to be "straight" with him. I guess I was about to be too straight. Thank you for the suggestions and for the book title. I will definitely check it out.
It's funny how just when I think I have the answer I find the need to rethink it. So thankful for the advice and guidance here.
Love, Lee
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Old 03-18-2012, 08:00 PM   #6
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Re: Time for the moving conversation

I ordered the book. Thanks again, Deb!
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Old 03-18-2012, 08:56 PM   #7
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Re: Time for the moving conversation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keysey View Post
Well, it has been decided. My siblings are all in agreement with me that Dad needs to move here after the family reunion at the end of June. Whew! Of course I will be the one to inform Dad of this. So I'm running conversations through my mind. Trying to figure out how to say, "Dad, you have to move here." I would love any input on ways to make this easier on him. Thanks!
It seems your Dad is in earlier stage. So it depends on the situation.
When my FIL was in early moderate stage, he refused to go to an AL saying his friend and son had the conspiracy to put him there. However, when he was aware of this disease earlier (in 2 months) he thought he needs to go to this expensive NH. Later on in late moderate stage he no longer understood. For sure he would not want to go to a NH. We had to come up with some reason. Sorry it is not straight. It is also his own thought that tricked him. We only said he "came with his son". So he moved. He assumed he was to "work with his son" in "our home". We were vague about it. It is in fact a NH for him and he would just be closer to us so we can visit him easily.

Along the way he assumed so. OK, once he arrived, the first day he saw something funny. He asked us to pick him up as "you promised". Well we gave him a few weeks. In the end, he loves his NH and claimed that he works there. He even asked us to move there too. He also asked his elder son to do so (that son is in Europe.)

I have to say that we cannot be honest because they will never accept it as they have no idea how bad their conditions are. White lies but it is good for his own sake. My FIL was sicker at home until he moved to this new home.

Good luck,
Nina

 
Old 03-18-2012, 10:30 PM   #8
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Re: Time for the moving conversation

It is true that you have to know your loved one and the stage of the disease they are in before you decide how to tell them about a move. If it is very early in the disease and they can make good decision still then by all means talk to them. But at the point when most are moved out of the home it is because they can no longer understand their situation and think rationally.

That is why I recommended the book. It goes into detail about each stage of the disease and different attitudes of the patient. Then it gives good advice on how do handle the situation once you determine what you are dealing with.

I made the recommendation I did to Lee because of all that has been said about her Dad here I do believe he is in a place where he needs input but he doesn't need to be guided to the right decision Control is a key issue. If they think they are controlling their destiny they will do better than if we take it away completely... even if we have to be a little bit deceptive in the process .

After the early stages straight up is a bit difficult because of the thinking fog they carry with them through their thought process

Love, deb

Last edited by Gabriel; 03-18-2012 at 10:31 PM.

 
Old 03-19-2012, 01:45 PM   #9
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Re: Time for the moving conversation

I think your best bet is to make it seem like it is his idea, even if he thinks he is coming for just a visit, there can be all kinds of excusses once he is with you why he can not got home YET. The house is being repainted, the house is being carpeted, the boys are putting in new windows, what ever he will be receptive to is what you use. To make your dad feel useful would be great, perhaps you can take a short course and he can watch the kids kind of, or you need help taking them to their basegame, Our loved ones are not stupid by any means, they are just entering a fog bank and their reasoning is tilited... Make plans with dad for a visit and write it on the kitchen fridge, the dates on a big calander and keep telling dad how much you are looking forward to him traveling with you home from the reunion... that his help will be envaluable with traveling with kids....

many hugs to you
judy..

 
Old 03-19-2012, 02:42 PM   #10
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Re: Time for the moving conversation

One thing for sure is Dad has to go there on his own with his own idea and wish. He has to move to your place with expectations.... He may very well want to stay with you. My FIL loved to stay with his own son. So this part is not the problem. The problem may be about his own house and belongings. His gun and etc...
Whatever you do, in the end, he will have to have his own idea and it does not matter if the idea is correct. My FIL got it all wrong. But he moved anyway. The important part is that Dad is willing for whatever reason. How about a summer vacation for Dad!

Hugs,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 03-19-2012 at 02:43 PM.

 
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