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Old 04-15-2012, 03:27 PM   #1
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Mum passed away...

I just wanted to let you ladies know about Mum. I know it is ages since I posted here, but I have frequently come here to read for reassurance & have found it such a comfort.

Mum became unconscious on Good Friday & she never woke up again. She finally slipped away a week later. We are all devastated but relieved at the same time. Her last weeks must have been painful for her- she didn't know who we were, or who she was. She gave Dad a black eye because she was frightened of the strange man. The staff had to sedate her in order to get her to take food or even water. She also kept hitting out at them too- & she use to be such a docile lady.

What a horrible disease Altzheimers is! The funeral is on Tuesday & we are so worried about Dad! He is 92 & has mild vascular dementia himself. He has had a double blow because his younger brother died on exactly the same night- would you believe that! He also had dementia..... So we will be at Mum's funeral on Tuesday & his funeral on Wednesday. What a week!

My husband is doing the Eulogy at Mums- he is made out of tougher stuff than I am! Our main focus after this week is over is to be there for Dad.

Many thanks for the stories, advice & for just being there! Mind you I will still be around for a while I think.
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Old 04-15-2012, 03:39 PM   #2
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Re: Mum passed away....

I'm SO very sorry for your loss, Bubblegirl.

 
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Old 04-15-2012, 05:22 PM   #3
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Re: Mum passed away....

I am so sorry for you loss bubblegirl but celebrate the life that was your Mom's. Yes, it is an exhausting process and no matter how ready we are, we are never really ready.

You Dad has been through so much with his brother and his wife on the same day! With two funerals this week he is going to be physically and mentally exhausted. With the Vascular Dementia, it is only going to be worse. I do understand your need to focus on Dad. But you also need to focus on yourself as well. Please give yourself time to grieve and heal.

Know my thoughts and prayers go with you and your Dad this week for the strength and courage you will both need... and there after as you both recover and adjust to your new normal.

Love, deb

 
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Old 04-15-2012, 08:03 PM   #4
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Re: Mum passed away...

I am so sorry that your Mom passed away and also your uncle! How terrible. Your Dad must be devastated. I can tell you this will make his dementia worse. I sure hope Dad will make it through. Dad cannot live alone now so hope you guys will comfort him.

Take care,
Nina

 
Old 04-16-2012, 12:36 PM   #5
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Re: Mum passed away...

Let me offer my condolences to you for the loss of your mother. I so understand the sentence you wrote that you are devastated but relieved. So true. It is a tragic blessing for it to be finally over.

I am so sorry for your father. Though diagnosed with Alzheimer's, my mom was still going on trips with us and leading as close to normal a life but after her sister's death, her dementia became so much worse. It was more than she could handle. So prepare yourself for your father's reaction to the sorrow of the double loss.

I wish you strength and peace in the days to come.

Love, Meg

 
Old 04-17-2012, 12:23 AM   #6
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Re: Mum passed away...

Quote:
Originally Posted by bubblegirl View Post
I just wanted to let you ladies know about Mum. I know it is ages since I posted here, but I have frequently come here to read for reassurance & have found it such a comfort.

Mum became unconscious on Good Friday & she never woke up again. She finally slipped away a week later. We are all devastated but relieved at the same time. Her last weeks must have been painful for her- she didn't know who we were, or who she was. She gave Dad a black eye because she was frightened of the strange man. The staff had to sedate her in order to get her to take food or even water. She also kept hitting out at them too- & she use to be such a docile lady.

What a horrible disease Altzheimers is! The funeral is on Tuesday & we are so worried about Dad! He is 92 & has mild vascular dementia himself. He has had a double blow because his younger brother died on exactly the same night- would you believe that! He also had dementia..... So we will be at Mum's funeral on Tuesday & his funeral on Wednesday. What a week!

My husband is doing the Eulogy at Mums- he is made out of tougher stuff than I am! Our main focus after this week is over is to be there for Dad.

Many thanks for the stories, advice & for just being there! Mind you I will still be around for a while I think.

 
Old 04-17-2012, 12:28 AM   #7
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Re: Mum passed away...

Dear Bubblegirl, so sorry for your loss of your Mother and Uncle , there is alot on your plate. So Sorry you have to go through all of this, take care of yourself and try to get some rest and allow your self the time to grieve your loss. Every ones time period is different, god will see you though this be strong for your Dad he will need you now more then ever. You will be in my prayers God Bless You and your Family hugs Jean

 
Old 04-18-2012, 04:53 AM   #8
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Re: Mum passed away...

Thank you everyone so much for your support & understanding- it is so very comforting! We have just returned home after the 2 funerals & at the moment the main emotion is that we are so very worried about Dad. He insisted on attending the funerals but looked frail & sad... We will need to watch over him carefully in the coming days, & weeks - even months. This is so hard as we live interstate- about an hour away by plane. We'll be down there a lot as you can imagine & making daily contact with his nursing home.

We had a "viewing" of Mum & I expected it to be so upsetting, but actually she looked so peaceful & somehow that was a great comfort after the terrible torment she suffered at the end stages of her life.... Alzheimer's can be so cruel & I do hope that they can find some answers to this horrible disease soon.

We also had an Aunt pass away form it about 2 years ago, but she was quite peaceful- she got more & more forgetful & vague, & towards the end she just wasn't really there.... but she wasn't so tormented or stressed - to us anyway, but who knows what was going on in the mind....

Sorry to ramble on but so many people are suffering from it, it would seem. A lot of the reason is that people are living longer I suppose- due to medical science. After all one must go because of a reason in most cases & not many of us are lucky enough to live healthily to a ripe old age & then just slip away painlessly during sleep. Wouldn't it be lovely to not suffer so.....

Sorry, & thank all you again! You will never know how much your input helps!
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Old 04-18-2012, 06:50 AM   #9
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Re: Mum passed away...

Bubble, it is good to hear from you. Glad the services went well and you were able to find some comfort at your Mom's services. Yes, you will need to watch over your Dad for a while until he adjust to the new normal... but you also need to watch over yourself just as vigilantly until you adjust to the new normal. Did Mom and Dad live together? If not, he will not be expecting her there all the time and that may help.

Wish we did know the reason for the apparent explosion of this disease. Wish they would come up with not only a cure but a way to prevent the disease. There is nothing like it and so much more awareness needs to occur. So much more research needs to occur.

Ramble on bubble Your thoughts are valid and need to be expressed. It is good to express ourselves and bring with it peace of mind. Know I will keep you and your Dad in my thoughts and prayers as you both find peace.

Love, deb

 
Old 04-18-2012, 03:59 PM   #10
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Re: Mum passed away...

Yes, they did live together. They went into care together at the beginning of last year-she went into high care & he went into low care, but for the first few months they shared a room together & it worked quite well. Then as Mum's condition deteriorated they had to be put in separate rooms, but were still able to eat together & sit with each other for a while every day. Lately though Mum couldn't even recognise him & became so violent... He has been lost for a while & we feel desperately sorry for him.

When Mum was unconscious at the end- nearly a week, he would try & wake her. We were trying to help him understand how ill she was but he just wanted her awake & couldn't grasp the idea. It must be so hard for them at this age, but as you say, the vascular dementia will make it even harder for him, & will also make his behaviour more difficult for us to determine.
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Old 04-18-2012, 04:22 PM   #11
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Re: Mum passed away...

Mom was further along than your Dad. She was in and out of Dad's room as if he was sleeping. The morning he died the staff dressed her and took her out of the room. She never did grasp that Dad was no longer there. We made the decision not to take her to the services because she had no grasp of what was happening. In a way, I think it was easier that she was so far into her dementia when he did die. It was actually easier on her not to know.

You will only know how Dad will react after it happens. I do hope that his facility has a plan in place to keep him busy and engaged. That will help. The Vascular Dementia can make it harder or easier for him. Only time will tell. I hope his memory lets him "forget" rather than get stuck in the grief. Strange what we wish for with this disease huh?

Know I will continue to keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, deb

 
Old 04-22-2012, 11:03 AM   #12
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Re: Mum passed away...

Hi Bubble -

I haven't been on the board in awhile, so am just catching up. Please know I am so very sorry for your loss.....losses, actually. How we as caregivers get through this disease with our loved ones, I don't know.

I wish you peace and strength for you as you go forward into what Deb calls your "new normal" (love that phrase). Do take care of you! I know how hard that is to accomplish, but all of this takes such a toll. We do indeed need extra rest, extra comfort. Please let us know how you are doing. I lost my stepdad in January and continue to come back to the boards to get and hopefully give support.

 
Old 04-22-2012, 04:14 PM   #13
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Re: Mum passed away...

Thank you ladies! I am just starting to relax a bit- I find that I am waiting for the phone to ring- sleeping with one ear open....... This is because there have been so many phone calls during the past months- particularly since this last Christmas after Mum got very confused & violent. It has become a habit to be alert to any changes that may have happened with Mum & the subsequent phone calls that followed.

Of course we are worrying about Dad now & the distance always makes it hard, but so far he is coping well & we will get to see him again soon. We phone daily & though he has early vascular dementia, he is still able to talk to us on the phone quite rationally- he is just so very sad....

What a difficult stage of life this is! Thanks for being here & listening.
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Old 04-22-2012, 05:11 PM   #14
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Re: Mum passed away...

I am glad you are doing as well as you are Bubble. I have often wondered how well I will relax then it is all over with Mom. I have been at this since l998. I sleep with one ear listening for the phone and ready to run out the door at a minutes notice. I am not home for more than 1 or 2 days a week. What do you do when that's all done and over! I am learning from you!

I do understand having one that follows to care for. After Dad, there was still Mom to be concerned with. I spent the day taking care of details of his services, and went right back to the facility the next morning to be sure Mom was ok. I do believe in a way it helped to continue... but there was no time to relax and reset. So use this time you have now when Dad is ok to renew yourself for the next chapter.

Glad Dad is doing well at this point and hope you both continue to do well in your new normal. If Dad's sadness continues it might help to ask his doctor for an anti depressant in the short term. Yes, he is going to grieve and sadness is expected... but don't let it become debilitating over time.

Love, deb

 
Old 04-22-2012, 09:06 PM   #15
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Re: Mum passed away...

Bubble,

Your Dad may feel better if he takes antidepressant. I think the death is a great impact on him.
When my late MIL passed away, my FIL was not diagnosed with Alzheimer's yet but she knew that he had dementia. Right away, my FIL forgot about emails. At first, I thought he wanted to quit for a while on the computer, then I realized he totally forgot about emails and internet. He still remembered computer back then. It was a big shock to him and he had been through some difficulties because she did everything finanical and homely for him. He just sat there working on his old project or imagined that we worked with him. (He was retired but he still wanted to write reviews.)

The family physician gave him antidepressant and it seems to help. I think one reason that he survived that is that he happened to have a friend who was a new widow as well. So they were friends with each other. That had helped a bit. Later he was too sick to continue this relationship.

It may help if he lives near the kids. If he is alone in his home town, why not consider moving him to where you are. This way it is easier to take care of him. I am sure he has no need to stay behind now that she is gone. My FIL felt the same way; she was gone so he wanted to stay with us.

Hugs,
Nina

 
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