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Old 05-08-2012, 02:11 PM   #1
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Lucy is at it again

Many people with early cognitive impairment are sweet and docile. Why can't I have one of those??? After a disastrous weekend, I thought I might settle into maybe a bit of a respite. But noooooo.... Lucy just called me. She drove herself up to Toronto and consulted with a second cosmetic surgeon, who agreed to do the procedure in 2 weeks.

I feel like shackling her ankle to the bed post to keep her still. Then I will be hauled in for spousal abuse and wrongful imprisonment. The tabloids will have a field day and sell lots of papers. And she will still be running amok creating havoc. Sigh.......

 
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Old 05-08-2012, 03:05 PM   #2
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Re: Lucy is at it again

Quote:
Originally Posted by Luau View Post
Many people with early cognitive impairment are sweet and docile. Why can't I have one of those??? After a disastrous weekend, I thought I might settle into maybe a bit of a respite. But noooooo.... Lucy just called me. She drove herself up to Toronto and consulted with a second cosmetic surgeon, who agreed to do the procedure in 2 weeks.

I feel like shackling her ankle to the bed post to keep her still. Then I will be hauled in for spousal abuse and wrongful imprisonment. The tabloids will have a field day and sell lots of papers. And she will still be running amok creating havoc. Sigh.......
Are you in Canada or the States? You need to talk to her doctor who "will do" her cosmetic surgery. What is she doing? Botox or wrinkle? Fat? Eyes?
A cleaning lady only comes a few times. So Lucy needs full-time caregiver next to her. Well, I see that she will insist going regardless...
Discuss with the new doctor and tell him Lucy is sick. Ask Lucy's GP to talk to the surgeon so they would know this is not for real. At least I don't think someone with dementia can cope with the stress of surgery...

Sorry about this.
Nina

 
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Old 05-08-2012, 06:09 PM   #3
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Re: Lucy is at it again

Oh my.

It sounds like Lucy needs a full time caregiver and cannot be trusted alone anymore.

Also, just call the doctor and tell him the situation.

Probably time to revoke the license, hide the keys etc.

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Originally Posted by Luau View Post
Many people with early cognitive impairment are sweet and docile. Why can't I have one of those??? After a disastrous weekend, I thought I might settle into maybe a bit of a respite. But noooooo.... Lucy just called me. She drove herself up to Toronto and consulted with a second cosmetic surgeon, who agreed to do the procedure in 2 weeks.

I feel like shackling her ankle to the bed post to keep her still. Then I will be hauled in for spousal abuse and wrongful imprisonment. The tabloids will have a field day and sell lots of papers. And she will still be running amok creating havoc. Sigh.......

 
Old 05-08-2012, 09:06 PM   #4
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Re: Lucy is at it again

Call the new doctor and cancel the surgery. FYI, the effect of anesthesia on those with dementia can be detrimental causing more cognitive decline. Then break the car. Take the battery cable off, take the spark plug wires off, flatten two tires, or lose her keys in your pocket. She is running a muck because you are letting her continue as if nothing is wrong when there is obviously something very wrong. Call her primary physician and explain that this is critical and does not need to wait. Make sure that he knows, before the appointment, all that has transpired. If necessary tell her that any surgery has to go through her primary physician and she has to have a complete physical to make sure she can have the surgery. As long as she is left alone at home she is going to fill your life with chaos and you have to find out what the problems is before you will know what to do about it.

Love, deb

 
Old 05-09-2012, 04:38 AM   #5
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Re: Lucy is at it again

Less than 24 hrs later, I am happy to report that impending crisis has been averted. Managed to convince her that attending son's crew regatta on that day is more important than having procedure. She agreed to delaying the procedure until end of the year.

The problem is that Lucy has footprint on both sides of the border. We live in the U.S., a stone's throw from Canada where she grew up and spend most of her adult life. Our primary health care is State side from my insurance, but she maintains her OHIP. Beginning the past couple of years, whenever she gets a diagnosis or recommendation she doesn't like, she hops back across the border to OHIP. Her primary state-side medical doesn't overlap with OHIP and they don't share information, and I am not a part of the Ontario system. I didn't even know who she was seeing until yesterday! So of course, her primary doc is totally unaware of this.

I am at a loss to care at this moment. Even if I quite everything and be home 24/7, she will still do exactly whatever she wants, regardless of what I say. If she thinks I am not going to approve, she hides it or lies to my face. She has fearsome tantrums when crossed. The problem is compounded because her current cognition and mobility are high enough so she is highly independent and mobile. I don't expect any caregiver will be any more effective than I. This self-centered, ill-tempered, judgmental person is only a shadow of the beautiful individual she was 7 - 8 years ago. I am truly at a loss. I do the best I can, and keep all balls in the air.

Last edited by Luau; 05-09-2012 at 04:42 AM.

 
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Old 05-09-2012, 07:54 AM   #6
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Re: Lucy is at it again

I know you are not going to like this response.

BUT

I am going to give it to you anyway.

You are letting the inmate run the asylum.

As long as you continue down that path, your life is going to be one constant whirlwind of madness trying to contain a mentally afflicted person within a normal life. Not only will your life be a shambles but she will not be getting the appropriate treatment that she needs.

THIS APPROACH WILL NOT WORK NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY.

You say this person is your wife. I think you are obligated to get her the evaluation and the care that she apparently needs. For her sake and also for yours and your family's.

It is very very very VERY difficult - one might almost say torturous - to get the right things done in this situation.

But it is possible.

I am very sorry that this lot fell to you. But either you must make it happen or if you are "at a loss to care" you must divorce her and relieve yourself of the obligation but you cannot just leave the situation high and dry by doing nothing. Not to put too fine a point on it, but there is really no in between course.

Reach out to her doctors on both sides.

Reach out to mental health services - for her AND for you, because the stress is obviously wearing on you and you have to understand what mental situation she is up against so you can learn to separate the person from the disease.

Contact an elder care attorney PRONTO to find out what your legal options are.

Contact an accountant because you are going to need your financial house in order.

Put in granny cams.

Attach a GPS tracking device to her possesions.

Monitor your phones to check up on her.

If she is not safe at home and a caregiver cannot control her then consider a temporary placement - commit her if necessary for her own safety. Sometimes that could be the best thing that happens because they get a full evaluation and you have the time to make the best decisions.

I know what I am saying sounds extreme, but you are going to have to reach your arms around this gator and wrestle it to the ground and the sooner you do it the better.

When someone suffers a mental change of any kind, the sooner you take action the better for everyone involved.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Luau View Post
Less than 24 hrs later, I am happy to report that impending crisis has been averted. Managed to convince her that attending son's crew regatta on that day is more important than having procedure. She agreed to delaying the procedure until end of the year.

The problem is that Lucy has footprint on both sides of the border. We live in the U.S., a stone's throw from Canada where she grew up and spend most of her adult life. Our primary health care is State side from my insurance, but she maintains her OHIP. Beginning the past couple of years, whenever she gets a diagnosis or recommendation she doesn't like, she hops back across the border to OHIP. Her primary state-side medical doesn't overlap with OHIP and they don't share information, and I am not a part of the Ontario system. I didn't even know who she was seeing until yesterday! So of course, her primary doc is totally unaware of this.

I am at a loss to care at this moment. Even if I quite everything and be home 24/7, she will still do exactly whatever she wants, regardless of what I say. If she thinks I am not going to approve, she hides it or lies to my face. She has fearsome tantrums when crossed. The problem is compounded because her current cognition and mobility are high enough so she is highly independent and mobile. I don't expect any caregiver will be any more effective than I. This self-centered, ill-tempered, judgmental person is only a shadow of the beautiful individual she was 7 - 8 years ago. I am truly at a loss. I do the best I can, and keep all balls in the air.

 
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Old 05-09-2012, 10:08 AM   #7
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Re: Lucy is at it again

Lula, Suzy is right, you are letting the inmate run the asylum. You speak as if she is a rational thinking cognitively aware person on one hand and then acknowledge her impairments on the other. You are surrendering to her will before you even begin. From experience I can tell you, at some point you will realize that you are the one who has to control the situation and not just mop up the aftermath. To be honest... you aint seen nothing yet!

You are not the only one with a strong willed determined independent cognitively impaired love one. My little 5 ft Mom was and still is a force to be reckoned with!! She spent her life breaking new ground and making a difference. She was known for her stubborn determination in the face of all obstacles. She was the power lady before her time. It served her well until cognitive impairment. What cued me in to the possibility that something was wrong was the lack of judgement she displayed while charging ahead. My loving compassionate Mom was raging against everything, including my Dad who had Vascular Dementia. I watched her do things that she would have never done in her right mind and then be proud of herself. Her determination made changing course the equivalent of changing the track of a ballistic missile (description came from my Dad!)

..........This self-centered, ill-tempered, judgmental person is only a shadow of the beautiful individual she was 7 - 8 years ago. ....... BINGO! That is what this disease does to many as it eats away at the brain. On the one hand you know what is happening and on the other you are still resistant to what is happening. No, you can not control the disease but you have to take control of the situation. It's not easy!! But it is possible.

What I had to do was put the thoughts of my loving compassionate Mom in the past and grab hold of the fact that a disease had rearranged her brain. One of the insipid things about this disease is that our loved ones appear to be so normal. There are elements of truth and rational thinking in what they do but it becomes so fringed or even centered in irrational thinking that it become destructive. They actually mechanics of driving is forged in our long term memory and they hold on to that. They hold on to the need for independence and mobility is independence. What they lose is the ability to react rationally to an immediate situation. They can propel a ton of metal down a road but they can't stop it if somebody runs out in front of them because they can't process that immediate situation. That is why driving is so very dangerous. Cosmetic surgery is not an outrageous idea but the obsession to jumping from one doctor to the other without informing, consulting or taking off to buy yet another dog without consideration of the consequences is typical if left to their own abilities. They have no ability to foresee outcome and consequences. It was my Mom that bought a car, wrote a check for it, and never moved the necessary money to the checking account. It was my Mom that hit a parked car and had a hit and run warrant out for her. It was my Mom that dumped her garbage in the neighbor's yard because she didn't like what they were doing. It was my Mom that gave $250,000 to a B rated insurance salesman that she met in a restaurant! It was my Mom that fired her life long doctor when he suggested that she had something more than depression. She actually went into his office and made a scene that is still talked about in town 7 years later!!! It was my Mom that remodeled her kitchen and bathroom, had the amazing original Pondarosa Pine Paneling painted, and had the outside of her house painted twice in a year. Your wife's obsession is dogs, Mom's was updating and upgrading the house to the point of ridiculous.... I could only wish for a dog!! It was my Mom that refused medical intervention of any kind. There was absolutely NOTHING wrong with her. It was the rest of us that were crazy. It was me that pulled her kicking and screaming to the diagnostic appointment. I got the diagnosis (there was no doubt) and within hours she had forgotten what the doctor said and was once again in denial. I was the one that put the care giver in the house. I watch that fall apart and then had to make the decision to put Mom and Dad in AL. All this was complicated because my Dad was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia in 1998 so I had two running a muck. The daughter that is supposed to be obedient and respectful had to do things that were not in my daughter job description!

In the beginning you think you are alone and the only one going through this chaos. In reality every family member that grasp the reality of the situation and is thrust into the roll of dealing with someone with dementia goes through the same thing in some way or the other. Yes, some are easier and some are more difficult but the fundamental problems are the same. We have to take control of the situation and not let out loved ones with dementia run the show no matter how "normal" we want them to be.

Suzy is right... get moving proactively and not just reacting to the immediate crisis she creates. She will create more chaos than you can fix if you don't get ahead of her.

I am truly sorry you are having to deal with this situation and I will tell you that I found the early stages the most difficult. You will have to change everything you have known to get a handle on this situation.

Love, deb

 
Old 05-09-2012, 06:25 PM   #8
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Re: Lucy is at it again

Suzy and Deb gave you great advice. Whether it's AD or something else, you're identifying behaviors that are extreme. Don't let the fact that your wife may look the same on the outside affect your rational recognition that something is very wrong. You're just reacting to situations that she creates, instead of getting to the heart of the problem that is making her act that way.

Get a diagnosis, whatever you need to do to get her to get a full physical. Many posters have recommended either making a doctor appointment before the doctor sees the patient to identify the problems, or providing the doctor with a log of behaviors. (You already mentioned a psychiatrist and others). Some posters over the years have described problems with getting the doctors to listen to family members at this stage....it may be difficult.

You can't just keep complaining about your wife's behaviors without finding out what you're actually dealing with. If it's a form of dementia, it's just going to get worse and worse. A time will come sooner than you expect when you won't be able to leave her alone while you go for a run, or let her drive a car (exposing you to huge liabilities).

If you saw your wife losing weight and knew she had a lump somewhere, wouldn't you insist that she get it checked out? Wouldn't you try to help her get treatment, whether or not she agreed with you? Wouldn't you get her medical care? If you think she may have a disease of the brain, it's exactly the same thing.

Once you have a diagnosis, you will be able to look ahead to your future and your options for controlling the situation. The beginnng stages are very tough, but there are support groups, medicines, trained caregivers, etc. Your wife might even surprise you and be able to understand a diagnosis if she's as congnitively aware as you say.

Last edited by Beginning; 05-09-2012 at 06:31 PM.

 
Old 05-09-2012, 07:05 PM   #9
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Re: Lucy is at it again

I hear what you all are saying, and I do agree with you. Really. The key is getting her diagnosed. In that regard, I think I mentioned earlier that I had an hour long talk with her doctor this weekend, and he is on board. He will be the bad guy and force her to an MRI, under the consequence that he will notify Dept Motor Vehicles if she cancels one more time. Her sons are going to fly in from their respective coasts on that day and make sure she doesn't back out.

Please be mindful that this serious downturn was in the last two weeks, which has me totally reeling. The last canceled MRI, the last canceled neurologist consult, the sudden picking up of another puppy, the getting lost in another state, the fight with our housekeeper and former friend, the Toronto and the cosmetic surgery. All this happened in the last 2 weeks. I am probably missing a few items here. Yes, I have been totally reactive, because I just can't keep up.

Tonight has been a doozy. She started picking a fight, first with my son, and then with me. With my son, she was lecturing him on why he is not studying for the class that he received a D last semester. She went ballistic when son informed her that he never received a "D" in anything, and he actually received a "B+" in the class in question. She stormed to her room to find the report card to prove that she was right and how he could "lie through his teeth". Turned out, of course, that the report card proved son was right and she was wrong. I give my son a lot of credit for his self control, because I know he was not happy when his integrity was called into question. I finally got him excused and he went to his room to study. Then she tried to pick a fight with me because I didn't take enough of the dish that she prepared onto my dinner plate. Something about how I have always hated her cooking and something about my lack of spine not to just say so, etc. etc. There is more, including references to my manhood and such, but my point of posting here is not about complaining.

Even though you all suggest how I need to cope, and what I need to do.... however, tonight, it was all I could do to simply keep my mouth shut and not move out right then and there. On similar bad night, and tonight was especially nasty, I wonder if keeping my vows about "sickness and health" is really worth it. I'd move heaven and earth for her, but not when she treats me this way, where I and my son are at the receiving ends of her anger and delusions. Now, a couple of hours after dinner and she retreated back into her home office, things have calmed. And I wondered. If she keeps up this sort of behavior, I am going to have to send her into a care facility much sooner than necessary. It is that, or I am just plain leaving. I just cannot take it, and I do not want my son to take it. I have no charity left tonight.

Good night, all you really great people on this forum. You guys have really, really been great.

Last edited by Luau; 05-09-2012 at 07:16 PM.

 
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Old 05-09-2012, 08:20 PM   #10
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Re: Lucy is at it again

Luau, along with diagnosis will come recognition that this is a disease which affects the brain. There is medication that can control the behavioral outburst, her anxiety, and anger. For me at least, you are in the worst of it. With diagnosis comes a reason for the behavior and it does change the perception.

No, you nor you son need to just take this behavior. But walking away is not going to fix the problem either. It is nothing personal towards either of you. She will be out of control with or without you. You just have to get her under control. This may mean medication. It may be a visit to a behavioral unit. It may mean a care facility sooner rather than later. But it all starts with diagnosis.

In the mean time a few hints. Unless it is life threatening try not to argue with her. Don't get into long discussions or explanations. At this point it doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong, you are trying to survive until you can get control. If she swears the moon is green just say uh huh. Berated for that D... then I will go study and leave. You didn't take enough at supper... sorry and let it go. This sounds a bit off to you I am sure but in her mind she is right as rain and you are the one that is off your rocker. Her perception is as real to her as your perception is to you. The difference is she seems to be functioning with a damaged cognition which warps her perception. But you will never convince her of that. If it is dementia then her social behavior, ability to predict the outcome, and empathy are also impaired so she will rip you down and there is little you can do that will phase her. I wish I knew how many times I was accused of something only to say... "I'm sorry Mom, I will try to do better next time!" Was I wrong? Absolutely not. I knew that but to keep the peace I accepted whatever blame she laid on me and kept going. The knowledge that what was being said came from an impaired mind made the difference. It's not about who is right, it is about survival.

At the same time you have to get her to the doctor and restrict her ability to create havoc. I was serious about breaking the car. The days of full disclosure seem to be over. You say and do what you have to do to keep the peace and get what you need done. The less she is confronted the better life will be.

At the same time you have to understand that if she does indeed have dementia then her world has been turned upside down. She is looking at a world that is strange and unpredictable to her. She is not reacting in a familiar way either. This is all new, strange, and scary to her as well, but she doesn't have the capacity to understand and express what she is truly feeling. Because of this she is lashing out at things and moments. Her targets have been the cleaning lady, you, and your son so far. When you look through her eyes a bit it is a little easier to find sympathy in all the chaos. As bad as it is for you... she is the one who is stuck in that chaotic world and can not get out.

Hang in there... I know it's a struggle right now to keep your head above water but you will make it ... one way or the other!

Love, deb

 
Old 05-10-2012, 03:42 AM   #11
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Re: Lucy is at it again

I understand your frustration, and the pain of "for better or worse." I've been married but unmarried for 10 years now. Eventually I may even be a caregiver for more years than we were married before Alzheimers. No one ever plans or wants to live their lives this way. It's horrible, stressful, lonely and very sad.

There will be many times when you wish you could just leave the situation and have a normal life. Wanting to be happy again is completely understandable. I'm NOT saying that you will do this, but there are people who do abandon their spouses or parents when someone is diagnosed with this. One of my husband's daughters couldn't deal with it and disappeared from his life. There are many patients in the nursing home who get no family visitors anymore. In the years that I've been on the board, I recall a few adult children reporting that their parent's spouse had turned a mother or father over to them. If that's the situation you find yourself in, please do whatever you can to still provide support to the person who becomes your wife's caregiver. But before you go down that irrevocable path, do your research into the disease and whether or not there is any way that you can manage it with available resources. You have to live with your decision, and the example that you set for your son.

You may determine that your wife is a candidate for assisted living, instead of a skilled nursing facility (nursing home). BTW, I also understand your frustration with her use of cross-border health care. (We're visiting someone at UB this weekend.)

Whether for spouse or a loved parent, we have all cried on this board. We have all had our ups and downs. Eventually we even find humor in the situation, and laugh at things that happen in crazy dementia world. You will be amazed at the number of your coworkers and other people you know who have been touched by this disease, who will come forward to help and talk to you if you find out that your wife has dementia. It's a big, big club.

Last edited by Beginning; 05-10-2012 at 04:17 AM.

 
Old 05-10-2012, 04:56 AM   #12
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Re: Lucy is at it again

The problem with being in the role of the caregiver to someone who is extremely belligerent and the person is your spouse, is that she knows exactly which hot buttons to push. last night, Lucy was in one of her extreme manic, disagreeable phases, and all she wanted to do was to get me to lose my cool. When she zeroed in on my son, it was one area for which I have very little tolerance. Last night, the fictitious or at best, highly distorted recollections and accusations were a bit too much.

Episodes like last night have happened before. they will happen again. I have survived previous episodes, and I have survived last night. hopefully morning bring some sanity, and it is a gloriously bright sunny morning. Life goes on……

 
Old 05-10-2012, 07:33 AM   #13
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Re: Lucy is at it again

Luau... we have all lost it from time to time... we are human after all Yep, they do know exactly how to push your last button. That is not just reserved for spouses. Mom knew exactly what button to push to cause me to flip a fit. When she would attack my Dad (who had Vascular Dementia) I felt just as you did last night when Lucy went after your son. It's that hold me back before I scratch you eyes out feeling! Experience and knowledge is your friend. The more you know and the more you experience the more able you will be to deal with the situations as they arise. The first few times it happens you do go into attack mode. But with knowledge, practice, and rational thinking you learn to deal with it in a different way. It is never easy but you become stronger and more adapt. We are the ones that have to adapt because they can't. And while you are talking to the doctor about her condition please bring up anti depressants, anti anxiety, and anti psychotic medications that will lessons these episodes. When is her doctor's appointment? Remember to request a memory test along with that MRI and a referral to a neurologist. Yes it is stressful, annoying, frustrating, and you just wish it would stop but so far you are hanging in there. You are doing good and know we are all behind you...

Love, deb

 
Old 05-10-2012, 08:04 AM   #14
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Re: Lucy is at it again

Early stage is very difficult. When my FIL was still in early moderate stage, we were frustrated by his behaviors. He was not diagnosed yet. He changed the phone co. twice and I had to quickly change the method of payment. He ordered this vitamin from the phone order but he never finished the vitamin and he still bought it at least 3 times. In the end, he forgot to take them. The vitamins were also hard to take for him (he chews pills.) He also ordered this computer help by phone and it was monthly order. I had to cancel it when he forgot it all.
He was very good at the phone so he used the phone to order things like that.

He almost wanted to sue us for the will change stuff. He hit on women thinking a lady will marry him. He thinks the neighbor is like a condo associate and can give him money!!
We are fortunate that he does not go around being busy since he retired and was at home with the caregivers. I know it is hard. He didn't allow the first caregiver to even clean his dirty bathroom. We had to wait until he forgot everything right away and cleaned everything behind his back. He forgot to wash his hands and asked my husband why he needs to wash...
He tried to fix the house and left the tools outside in the kitchen. He didn't vacuum but he covered the carpet up with dirty rug!!
He just could not be alone.

For Lucy, you may have to wait for her to become more forgetful. In the mean time, please give her a part-time caregiver. You seem to be afraid to set the principle with her. Just tell her you want to do so. No arguing but you may suggest that the neighbor thinks she needs help. Or say that the dogs need more sitter.

Hugs,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 05-10-2012 at 12:21 PM.

 
Old 05-10-2012, 11:12 AM   #15
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Re: Lucy is at it again

You know, every modern legal system and religion has mechanisms in place for ways to deal with a situation of a mentally incapacitated spouse.

Some are able to stay despite how painful it is, some decide to move on once the appropriate framework has been put into place (treatment, finances, etc.)

My point is there are options for you eventually.

But in any case, any spouse right now in your situation would have a moral obligation to get this person under treatment and at least diagnosed before those important decisions are made. A two week sudden mental breakdown is not the time to decide you are going to just leave or the right time to decide if you want to keep your vows because of how she is treating you right now.

Yes, even if she is behaving horribly you have to at least get a diagnosis before you can decide to leave or put her in care. Once that is all done then you can think about your life and options.

With mental illness sometimes you do have to humor the person, you can no longer debate and discuss with them because... well, "they're mental". It is frustrating because so often they seem to be OK and just have turned into a horrid person but you have to get past that feeling in a hurry - at least temporarily you must detach your emotions from this otherwise you will not be able to make the right decision. I know the few months of chasing down my aunt's crazy actions wore me and my sister to an absolute frazzle. So it is not that I am being unsympathetic. I know this is terrible for you and I know it is very hard to take. That is why some counseling from mental health services would be good for you too.

RIght now long discussions and trying to reason with her will do nothing but wear you out and make things worse. Expecting rational behavior will only make you more upset. The rational behavior has to come from YOU, not her, and that includes just 'taking it' for a while until you figure out what you are up against.

If you have a family or friends nearby who can take your son for a while that might be a good idea.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Luau View Post
I hear what you all are saying, and I do agree with you. Really. The key is getting her diagnosed. In that regard, I think I mentioned earlier that I had an hour long talk with her doctor this weekend, and he is on board. He will be the bad guy and force her to an MRI, under the consequence that he will notify Dept Motor Vehicles if she cancels one more time. Her sons are going to fly in from their respective coasts on that day and make sure she doesn't back out.

Please be mindful that this serious downturn was in the last two weeks, which has me totally reeling. The last canceled MRI, the last canceled neurologist consult, the sudden picking up of another puppy, the getting lost in another state, the fight with our housekeeper and former friend, the Toronto and the cosmetic surgery. All this happened in the last 2 weeks. I am probably missing a few items here. Yes, I have been totally reactive, because I just can't keep up.

Tonight has been a doozy. She started picking a fight, first with my son, and then with me. With my son, she was lecturing him on why he is not studying for the class that he received a D last semester. She went ballistic when son informed her that he never received a "D" in anything, and he actually received a "B+" in the class in question. She stormed to her room to find the report card to prove that she was right and how he could "lie through his teeth". Turned out, of course, that the report card proved son was right and she was wrong. I give my son a lot of credit for his self control, because I know he was not happy when his integrity was called into question. I finally got him excused and he went to his room to study. Then she tried to pick a fight with me because I didn't take enough of the dish that she prepared onto my dinner plate. Something about how I have always hated her cooking and something about my lack of spine not to just say so, etc. etc. There is more, including references to my manhood and such, but my point of posting here is not about complaining.

Even though you all suggest how I need to cope, and what I need to do.... however, tonight, it was all I could do to simply keep my mouth shut and not move out right then and there. On similar bad night, and tonight was especially nasty, I wonder if keeping my vows about "sickness and health" is really worth it. I'd move heaven and earth for her, but not when she treats me this way, where I and my son are at the receiving ends of her anger and delusions. Now, a couple of hours after dinner and she retreated back into her home office, things have calmed. And I wondered. If she keeps up this sort of behavior, I am going to have to send her into a care facility much sooner than necessary. It is that, or I am just plain leaving. I just cannot take it, and I do not want my son to take it. I have no charity left tonight.

Good night, all you really great people on this forum. You guys have really, really been great.

 
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