It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 05-08-2012, 07:20 PM   #1
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Kitchener, Ontario,
Posts: 32
keaner HB Userkeaner HB User
Need advice please

Hello, I am constantly viewing, and appreciate the support and info without having to post in some time. Now I am looking for some advice.

I am the sole remaining living caregiver for my mom with high mid dementia. She is currently living in a secure retirement facility in Ontario. She has been there for 3 years. She has a walker, is mobile, 80 years old, no short term memory, looking for her parents who have been gone along time, thinks I am her daughter one day and her sister another. Makes little conversation only responding to what I say. She can eat independently, but is incontinent and requires depends all the time. She does not remember to go to the bathroom and requires much Queing.

I have red cross coming into her room each morning and bedtime to help her with washing, cleaning herself and dressing. But, she can refuse their help. Because she is in a retirement facility they que her, but are limited in the personal care. She gets her meds and three meals each day. this facility is doing the best they can and I have the support of ccac to help in her advocating.

Last night I visited her prior to dinner and she smelled terrible of urine. She was confused about being wet. She was lacking personal hygiene in her dressing and body. I am really concerned that this is not the place for her anymore. I had her assessed in December for the same reasons and that is when red cross was put into place, but it is not enough, in my opinion, or not working. I contacted both my dementia counsellor and ccac and mom is having another assessment for care next week. I want her moved to long term care where she will get the personal care that she needs. I have her on the waiting list, for 3 years, and if she is assessed and qualifies I was told that she will become a priority.

I have done my homework. The only place on my list is wonderful for her. I am just truly concerned about the affect it will have on her moving her. I think it will be hard for her but weighing the personal care improvement it is worth it in my opinion. Both these facilities are in my city and I can support her.

This is soooo hard. I know this path will not be easy...and only gets harder, but when do you know that you are making the right choice when it is all up to you.
I have good support from the Alzheimer's association, attend their workshops and have group support their and a personal counsellor to help me too. All are in agreement, but guilt, sleepless nights and this heavy loud brings many tears and questioning of my judgement.

Wouldn't it be nice if wishes really came true...for all of us.

Guess advice might not be what I wanted, but a few understanding caring ears.
Thanks to you all for listening. What a terrible journey for all of us!

Sherry

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 05-08-2012, 08:35 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: charlotte, nc, usa
Posts: 7,186
Gabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB User
Re: Need advice please

Sherry, you came to the right place. You know in your mind what you need to do. You have done your home work, crossed the Ts and dotted the Is. You have good advice from many sides. Yet it is so very difficult to admit in your heart that Mom had deteriorated to the point that this is needed. You are doing everything you need to do for Mom yet you can't fix what is wrong and I think that is where the guilt comes from. It's not from what we have done or what we can do.... but from what is impossible to do. Admitting that Mom needs a higher level of care is admitting that we can't keep her from deteriorating further which is what we wish we could do. The struggle is between the mind and it's reality and the heart and it's fantasy of being able to stave off this disease. We do struggle with the reality of what is vs what we wish could be. We feel we have failed in stopping what we know we have no control over.... when in fact we are doing the very best we can and what needs to be done.

Mom will be better off with a higher level of care. She is not maintaining well where she is. The additional care can only benefit. You know this and you have stated this yourself. So that is the thought you have to reinforce in your mind until your heart catches up. Remember that any change (good or bad) is stressful because you are headed into the unknown. Just know that this change will be beneficial for Mom.

I do understand because I have had to make many such moves for Mom and Dad. Moving them in AL and out of their home of over 50 years was a tough one. Moving them from AL to the locked unit was difficult as well. Having them both approved for Hospice was particularly sad. But the one thing I can say, as hard as those choices were, I do not regret a single on. After the fact I realized it was for Mom and Dad's benefit and I had to learn to deal with my emotions related to their deterioration. My best advice is... you know when it is right! Then let it be !

Love, deb

 
Old 05-09-2012, 04:08 AM   #3
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Kitchener, Ontario,
Posts: 32
keaner HB Userkeaner HB User
Re: Need advice please

Gabriel, thanks for replying.

I hear your advice, comments and experience and truly appreciate it.

For me, I think when I write it down, I can vent, listen to my own words and yes, then, I do realize that it is time. So very true that our hearts are the last on board for us.

Thanks so much for the reassuring it means more than you realize!

Sherry

 
Old 05-09-2012, 08:13 AM   #4
Registered User
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Bedminster, NJ
Posts: 142
Suzy0513 HB UserSuzy0513 HB UserSuzy0513 HB UserSuzy0513 HB UserSuzy0513 HB UserSuzy0513 HB User
Re: Need advice please

Hello.

It is a bummer you are going through this with your Mom.

It is upsetting when we think they're settled and doing well and then something changes.

But it sounds like something has changed with her, and her current facility is just not equipped to help her anymore. You are right that she needs to bump to the next level of care.

If you have found a good place that can take her, I would move forward without hesitation.

Yes, it may be hard for her at this stage, but, you don't have a choice. Take all the steps you can to make the move smoother and be prepared for any possible aftermath. The facilities usually know to expect some adjustment problems and are prepared for them.

It is somewhat like medicine with side effects. Sometimes we know we need the medicine even tho there may be some unpleasant side effects. The move to the right level of care is the medicine and the adjustment problems are the potential side effects. They are unpleasant but you still need the medicine, regardless.

Every move or stage with my aunt has been emotionally difficult, even when you KNOW it is the right thing, it is still so hard and you feel so bad.

Usually in life when you make a sound decision, you feel good about it.

But in these situations, making sound decisions often leaves us feeling bad! That is just the situation that we have to deal with and find a way to take comfort in knowing that we did our best.




Quote:
Originally Posted by keaner View Post
Hello, I am constantly viewing, and appreciate the support and info without having to post in some time. Now I am looking for some advice.

I am the sole remaining living caregiver for my mom with high mid dementia. She is currently living in a secure retirement facility in Ontario. She has been there for 3 years. She has a walker, is mobile, 80 years old, no short term memory, looking for her parents who have been gone along time, thinks I am her daughter one day and her sister another. Makes little conversation only responding to what I say. She can eat independently, but is incontinent and requires depends all the time. She does not remember to go to the bathroom and requires much Queing.

I have red cross coming into her room each morning and bedtime to help her with washing, cleaning herself and dressing. But, she can refuse their help. Because she is in a retirement facility they que her, but are limited in the personal care. She gets her meds and three meals each day. this facility is doing the best they can and I have the support of ccac to help in her advocating.

Last night I visited her prior to dinner and she smelled terrible of urine. She was confused about being wet. She was lacking personal hygiene in her dressing and body. I am really concerned that this is not the place for her anymore. I had her assessed in December for the same reasons and that is when red cross was put into place, but it is not enough, in my opinion, or not working. I contacted both my dementia counsellor and ccac and mom is having another assessment for care next week. I want her moved to long term care where she will get the personal care that she needs. I have her on the waiting list, for 3 years, and if she is assessed and qualifies I was told that she will become a priority.

I have done my homework. The only place on my list is wonderful for her. I am just truly concerned about the affect it will have on her moving her. I think it will be hard for her but weighing the personal care improvement it is worth it in my opinion. Both these facilities are in my city and I can support her.

This is soooo hard. I know this path will not be easy...and only gets harder, but when do you know that you are making the right choice when it is all up to you.
I have good support from the Alzheimer's association, attend their workshops and have group support their and a personal counsellor to help me too. All are in agreement, but guilt, sleepless nights and this heavy loud brings many tears and questioning of my judgement.

Wouldn't it be nice if wishes really came true...for all of us.

Guess advice might not be what I wanted, but a few understanding caring ears.
Thanks to you all for listening. What a terrible journey for all of us!

Sherry

 
Old 05-09-2012, 06:06 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: highland park, il 60035
Posts: 2,484
debbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB Userdebbie g HB User
Re: Need advice please

i so know how hard this is. i think you answered your own questions. hugs to you and keep venting. we are all here for each other.

 
Old 05-10-2012, 12:03 AM   #6
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Charleston
Posts: 5,548
Harry HB UserHarry HB UserHarry HB UserHarry HB UserHarry HB UserHarry HB UserHarry HB UserHarry HB UserHarry HB User
Re: Need advice please

I suggest that you try to make contact with your Mom with music that you use to shear and old photoes ---It just may help both of you. You know you are doing the proper things physically for her well being but the personal touch may need a boost--- I believe God has a PLAN!!

I wish you well---Harry

Last edited by Harry; 05-10-2012 at 12:09 AM.

 
Old 05-10-2012, 08:31 AM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
ninamarc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Canada/USA
Posts: 1,703
ninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB User
Re: Need advice please

She needs a locked memory unit and people in the NH have to know how to deal with a person with dementia. Red Cross may not know how to cope with dementia.
My FIL is in a NH for memory impaired. We are moving him to another wing for sicker people now. He has to be fed and needs more attention.

Your Mom needs more caregivers and attention. The ratio of caregiver and residents is important (it is 4 to 1 in my FIL's NH at regular hours.)

I don't know what you mean by secured retirement - You mean the regular retirement place with a gate or management?

I thinks she needs a nursing home for memory impaired.

Regards,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 05-10-2012 at 08:31 AM.

 
Old 05-10-2012, 11:37 AM   #8
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Lexington, KY
Posts: 1
Gail57 HB User
Re: Need advice please

Just wanted to know what color of white did u close for your teeth

Thank you,
Gail

 
Closed Thread




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:21 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!